Standard Disclaimer. I do not own FFX or the characters in it. They are owned by Square-Enix. I do own this story, and my original characters. The title of this chapter comes from a song that was performed Tina Turner.
It took most of a day for Tidus to defeat the Chocobo trainer enough times, over enough courses, to fulfill the conditions for both challenges. The weapon, which he managed to win before lunch, they were able to retrieve from the northwest corner of the Calm Lands. When he held the mirror up to the mandala on the rock and the opening thus revealed turned out to hold a sword that just seemed to be made for him, he was even more eager to return to face the trainer for more races. But winning the sword Caladbolg turned out to be much easier than obtaining the sigil, which took the entire afternoon. By the time Tidus had the Sun Sigil in his hands, and was able to determine that it matched the sword, he was beat. He left it to the others to worry about whether or not they would find weapons for every member of their party.
But by the time they returned to the ship, Tidus was in high spirits, as were most of the others. But Auron had found the day, just watching, extremely annoying, and needed to blow off a lot of steam, so he marched toward the room set aside as a gymnasium. As she headed for the shower, Mercy felt a little sorry for whoever or whatever ended up as her husband's sparring partner this afternoon. That unlucky soul is going to end up with some serious bruises, she thought.
As she washed the dust out of her hair, Mercy thought about Tidus, and Yuna. She knew there was something that she was missing, or something that she didn't understand. And she knew perfectly well that if she tried to 'meddle' too much, Auron would eventually hear about it. Tidus will just have to deal with this on his own, she sighed, as she stepped out of the shower, combed out her hair and put on her robe. She had just finished tying the red silk around her waist when the door chimed, and she was astonished when she opened the door and found Yuna standing in the hallway outside, her hands knotted together nervously.
"Yuna, please come in!" Mercy cried, motioning the girl to enter the room. "I was just thinking of you," she finished, grinning.
Yuna stepped hesitantly into the cabin, then raised her eyes to meet Mercy's. "May I…speak with you privately for a few minutes?" the summoner asked hesitantly.
"Auron is down in the training room," Mercy reassured her, "looking for someone for a practice bout. Today just wasn't a good day for him. He hates standing on the sidelines," his wife volunteered.
Yuna smiled a little at that remark. "He may find Kimahri down there, for the same reason," the summoner confessed. The two women exchanged a look of complete understanding.
"Please, sit down. Tell me what's on your mind." Mercy moved to the bed, and sat down, folding her legs underneath her. Yuna looked around her with considerable discomfort. The younger woman had been trying very hard not to notice the huge bed, but it dominated the room. She had already seen that it was unmade, the sheets and blankets kicked to the foot of the bed, the pillows misshapen by use, and that a black robe had been casually thrown across one side of the sheets. Yuna blushed. As she sat down gingerly on the edge of it, she faced the other side of the room, and saw the dresser there, with an old bracer of Auron's leaning almost drunkenly against Mercy's music machina on its top, both of their backpacks piled in the corner, and Mercy's boots on the floor. It was all too intimate, and Yuna suddenly felt extremely uncomfortable. She started to get up, to leave. "I apologize," she began in a small voice, "I shouldn't have troubled you."
"No, Yuna, please," Mercy begged. "You came to me for a reason. I want to help you," she finished, placing a hand gently on the girl's arm.
Yuna stared down at the hand on her arm for a moment, then looked up to meet the woman's eyes. She knew she had nowhere else to turn. "I came," she hesitated, "to ask you a personal question." Color flooded her cheeks again, and she stared down at her twisting hands in her lap.
Mercy dismayed, thought, first Rikku, now Yuna, but kept any reservations to herself when she responded, "If you think there is anything I know that will help you, fire away. I'll be happy to answer your questions. Go ahead, Yuna. Ask me whatever you want," she prompted in a gentle voice.
Yuna met her eyes, swallowed nervously, then asked, "Mercy, what is love?"
Mercy closed her eyes. To herself, it seemed like just a second. A kaleidoscope of images, thoughts, feelings, flashed through her mind, but she said nothing of them. Instead, she looked into Yuna's eyes, read the younger woman's face, and said, "Why are you asking me, Yuna? You already know the answer."
"Because I am uncertain what to do, and I hoped that you would advise me," Yuna replied in a slightly shaky voice.
"Why me?" Mercy asked, uncertain herself now.
"I have no one else to turn to," the younger woman replied simply. Yuna's eyes fell upon the black robe lying across the bed, and then she met Mercy's eyes again. Yuna realized that Mercy was wearing a robe, a red one, and that this black one…must be Sir Auron's. She blushed. She didn't want to think through the implications, not in any detail, but at the same time, she knew that those implications were the reason that she had come to this woman for counsel.
Mercy tracked Yuna's gaze, saw the blush, and, without thought, reached out and touched the sleeve of Auron's robe. I understand now, Mercy thought. I know it's hard for you to think about. Well, I can't blame you; I don't exactly want to know the prurient details about you and Tidus, either. I just want there to be some. But you figure that I must know something, if I've managed to stay with Auron for five years. Lulu is alone for some reason, and Rikku knows less than you do, which is a goodness considering her age, and there truly is no one else. I think we both wish there were. Mercy took Yuna's hands in hers, and shook them lightly, to get Yuna to look up at her again. "Yuna, if you want my help, then you need to tell me your real question."
Yuna's eyes flicked downward again, then back up to meet the other woman's. "It was much simpler before," the summoner confessed. "I knew that…I would receive the Final Aeon, and that I would…die…at the end of my pilgrimage. Now...there are so many other considerations."
"What are you worried about?" Mercy asked, puzzled. "I'm afraid I don't understand about these other…considerations."
"What do you mean?" Yuna replied, equally confused.
The older woman began patiently, "Remember, I'm not from Spira. My perspective may be different from yours. When I was seventeen, and I was in your situation with a young man, the only…considerations…I had to worry about were whether he loved me as much as I loved him, what would happen if any of our parents found out, and what would happen if I got pregnant. What am I missing here?"
Yuna sat, mentally reeling, wrapping her mind around the concept that, of course, Mercy would have had a life before she met Sir Auron, and that life might have included another man. It just took a little getting used to.
Mercy decided to continue, interpreting Yuna's silence to mean that they weren't really connecting yet. "You do know that Tidus loves you very much, don't you? I hope he's told you that himself. He can't be that big an idiot," she muttered.
Yuna smiled brightly for a moment, and Mercy was instantly reassured. "I know that he does," Yuna agreed eagerly. "And yes, he has told me."
Mercy continued then, almost to herself. "At seventeen, I'd have been worried about my parents, but Spira is a much harsher world. You're both considered adults. You don't need anyone's permission." Mercy saw Yuna's eyes fall again. "And unfortunately all of your parents are beyond worrying about any of this."
"You and Sir Auron, you are Tidus' foster-parents," Yuna replied in a quiet voice. "He would still want your approval, I think."
Mercy laughed. "Don't worry about Auron's approval. I don't know the details, and I definitely don't want to know, but there were at least a couple of times on your way up to Zanarkand that the two of them 'arranged things' so that Tidus could spend time alone with you." Mercy's eyes danced with amusement at the shocked expression on Yuna's face. Didn't expect that of Auron, did you girl?
"Do you…approve?" Yuna asked her, and Mercy wanted to applaud her for her directness. I wonder, she thought, did Tidus tell you, or did he keep his secret?
"I approve very much," Mercy answered, equally direct. "More than anything else, I wanted him to find someone like you." Mercy watched a small, triumphant smile flicker across the girl's face for a second, and she realized, he told her, and finally, it's over, he's grown out of it. This is the way it's supposed to be. I got something right, or at least, not wrong. Aloud, she said, "I just wish I understood what these…considerations…of yours are. I can't advise you if I don't understand. I don't know anything about what your society might or might not approve of, for example. Auron and I lived together for two years before we were married. There was a lot of gossip where I worked, and some of it was rather cruel, but there was really nothing unusual about our arrangement. What would people think, here?"
Yuna tilted her head to one side, considering her answer. "On Spira, it would be tolerated, mostly because you are," the girl looked down awkwardly, then met Mercy's eyes again, "older," she finished awkwardly. Mercy ran a hand through her sable and silver hair. "Most people are married by the time they are my age," Yuna continued quickly. "They are usually formally promised to one another by the time they are fifteen or sixteen. Promised couples are allowed a great deal of…license," she blushed, "together, even before they are married, but not until then. Lulu and Chappu were different because…"
Mercy held up a hand. "Wait, who was Chappu?"
"Chappu was Wakka's brother. He and Lulu were promised to each other, but they waited while she studied her magic, and then he joined the Crusaders instead." Yuna stopped suddenly, and sniffled back a tear. "He died in Djosé, fighting Sin with the Al Bhed. It was…almost a year and a half ago now. We all grew up together. Wakka, Lulu, Chappu, and I, with Kimahri watching over us." Oh, no, Mercy thought. What I saw…Wakka's face, when I was singing, 'I'll be there when your broken heart is on the mend.' I'm almost afraid to even think it. Poor man, I think he's in love with the girl who was supposed to marry his brother. Stunned, Mercy motioned with her hand for Yuna to continue with what she was saying.
"Lulu and Chappu were different because they waited so long to marry, and then they never had the chance. I was studying in the temple, training to become a summoner, so I didn't let myself become involved with anyone," Yuna finished lamely.
"Or you didn't meet the right person," Mercy responded. "You know that Tidus won't know that any of this is important to you, if you don't tell him?" Yuna nodded. "But this isn't really a big part of it, is it?" Mercy asked, studying Yuna's face. "Yuna, please tell me they know how to prevent pregnancy here on Spira? Please tell me that's not it," the older woman begged.
Yuna began, "There is a potion," then she gasped as the implications of the other woman's question struck her, "You mean you don't know? Haven't you…didn't you…shouldn't you?" the summoner's voice ground to a stuttering halt as she tried to frame the horribly embarrassing question, and failed utterly.
"No, Yuna, I don't know," Mercy started, her voice a little shaky. How do I put this? How do I even begin to get around this…hole I just dug myself into? "I don't need to know. Because…Auron told me everything, when we first became involved with each other. We made sure…that I could never get pregnant…not ever. Such things could be done in Zanarkand…and the effects are permanent." Everything I just said is true. But everything you just assumed is a lie. I'm sorry, Yuna.
Yuna saw anguish on the other woman's face. "But Mercy, the white mages here might be able to reverse the effects," she urged. "You could find out. You and Sir Auron will both still be young enough to have children, after all of this is over," Yuna offered sympathetically.
On a sudden impulse, Mercy reached out and put her arms around Yuna, drawing her into a brief hug, and the girl hugged her back. For a few seconds, Mercy let herself feel the pain, then she pulled some composure out of somewhere and plastered it over her face, and let Yuna go. "Thank you for that. You made my day." Mercy smiled. "My Zanarkand was obviously a considerably kinder and gentler place than Spira. I'm ten years older than Auron, and it would be unwise for me to have children, even if it were possible to have the procedure reversed at this late date. But I appreciate the thought." Her smile wobbled a little for a second. Yuna opened her mouth as if to speak, and Mercy put a hand up, motioning her not to say anything more on the subject.
Mercy paused, took a deep breath, and dragged her mind over everything Yuna had said, and dismissed it all. There was nothing there to explain anything of what was going on between her and Tidus. What could be holding her back? What am I missing? What holds anyone back? Mercy took Yuna's hands again, and stared into her eyes. "Yuna," she began, a very serious note in her voice, "what are you afraid of?"
Yuna's eyes closed, and her head fell forwards for a moment. Mercy released one of her hands, and slid a finger under her chin, to lift it up again. "You don't have to tell me anything, you know. But you do have to admit it to yourself."
The summoner's eyes opened, and stared back at her, and she finally began to really talk. "My father…my father loved my mother so much, that when she was killed, he started planning for his pilgrimage. He didn't want to go on living without her. He loved me…but I wasn't enough. Nothing else was enough, not after she was gone." There were tears running down her cheeks now, and she let them fall, she didn't even try to stop them or wipe them away. "I saw what happened to Lulu, after Chappu died. Lulu had always been a little grumpy, and sharp-tongued, but Chappu could always make her laugh. She was happy. When he died, she turned cold, and brittle, and sometimes even mean. Part of her died with him. She hasn't been the same since then." Yuna paused then, to sniffle so she could breathe more easily, then she went on. "When we were at the Farplane, Tidus told me about his mother. When Sir Jecht came to Spira, Tidus' mother missed him so much that she got ill, and died of a broken heart." Yuna stared at Mercy with red-rimmed eyes. "Don't you see?"
"Tell me what you see," Mercy asked, soothingly. I'm afraid I do see, and I don't like the view.
"How can you not understand?" Yuna cried. "I saw how much pain Sir Auron was in, all the way to Zanarkand. When Tidus told me about you, he said that he missed Sir Auron as much as he missed you, because Sir Auron was so different without you. Now that you are here, I can see what he meant. It is more than just that he is happy, it is as if he has returned to the world because you are with him." Yuna took a breath. "And when we fought Yunalesca," she shivered, "and you fell…he almost threw his life away…because he was afraid he had lost you again."
Mercy closed her eyes in thought. That's what I was afraid of. Every example she can think of, of romantic love, erotic love, carnal love, goes to hell. Love mixed with sex equals death for one partner and pain and endless grief for the other. Except for us, and we keep teetering on the edge as it is. No wonder she ended up at my door. "What are you afraid is going to happen to you and Tidus? There is no Final Summoning, so your chances are no better, and no worse, than anyone else's at this point."
"What if something were to happen to me, in battle? I don't want Tidus to act as Sir Auron did. If waiting until after all of this is over will keep us from getting more involved, will keep that from happening, then it is worth it," Yuna said with conviction.
That ship sailed a long time ago, girl. "Yuna, what do you think Kimahri would do, if you fell in battle?" Mercy asked, seemingly out of the blue.
"What…what does that have to do with it? We're not discussing Kimahri!" Yuna shouted, almost furious at the change of direction.
"No, we're discussing love. Kimahri loves you. He loves you in the same way that I love Tidus. If you fell, Kimahri would be tearing pieces out of whatever got you within three seconds, and I'm not even sure he'd bother with a weapon." The older woman smiled sadly. "And Tidus would be right beside him, because he loves you, whatever you decide to do or not do about it. Yuna, whatever you're trying to prevent, it's already too late. It's probably been too late for a long time." At that, she smoothed her hand over the girl's wet face, and pushed her hair back behind her ear. "I know you're afraid of what happens if you lose each other, and one of you is left to mourn." Mercy paused, considering how much to say, then began to say it. "Yuna, Auron and I always knew we would only have five years. We always believed that there was no way I could make it to Spira, that Sin would tear me apart if we tried. I expected to die. And Auron knew that he would have to come back here alone. When we met, he could have turned away, before it was too late. He chose to stay, knowing our time would be short, uncertain whether I could reach the Farplane." She tilted Yuna's face so their eyes met. "I believe that, even if you had asked him that day Tidus told you everything, when Auron knew for certain that I wasn't in the Farplane, he would have told you that if he were given the choice, he would do the same again. He thought the joy was worth the pain." Mercy let her hands drop, hoping that she had made her point.
"Would you…do the same again?" Yuna asked hesitantly. "Would you…make the same choices you did?"
"I wouldn't skip a single thing," Mercy told her, with absolute conviction. "Not even the fights." She laughed softly at herself. "And a few of those were…something." Her eyes went misty, remembering. "But I highly recommend the kissing and making up part, afterwards."
Yuna shook her head a little, trying to clear it. Then she covered her face with her hands, trying to wipe away her tears, and trying to give herself a chance to think a little behind the screen of her fingers. She had said so many things that she had never admitted to anyone before. And she had heard so much that she needed to absorb. It was all…too much right now. She let her hands fall into her lap, and then she stood, wiping her hands on her skirt to dry them. "I…need to go away…and think for a while. I hope you understand," she said shakily.
"Yuna, you don't answer to me," Mercy told her. "I just hope I helped you a little bit. That's all."
"You've given me…a lot to think about. But I should go." Yuna stood up straighter now. "Thank you…for everything," she said, as she turned and walked toward the door.
Just before she reached the door, Yuna turned back. "I have…one more question," she began slowly. "You said that you would…do it all again. But…do you have…any regrets?"
Mercy ran her hand back through her hair again; the nervous gesture intended to give her a chance to gather her scattered thoughts. She met the younger woman's eyes, and cut the words out of her soul. "Yuna, when you lie awake at night, and look back, well, what gnaws at your heart isn't the things you did, not usually, because you know how those choices turned out. Regrets are mostly made up of the things you didn't do…and the chances you were afraid to take." Mercy paused, took one more calming breath. "I don't regret a single second of the time that Auron and I have had together. But I regret…I regret every night of those five years that he was in Zanarkand, that we each spent alone." Yuna saw the pain in Mercy's face, and understood that the other woman meant every word. The summoner nodded, then she turned and left the cabin.
Mercy continued sitting on the bed, staring at…nothing at all. Then she shook her head, thinking, what did I just do? Lords and Ladies, I talked…way too much. I can't imagine what Auron would say if he knew about this…this…conversation Yuna and I just had. So, I won't tell him. Well, she demurred, not unless he asks me, anyway. I won't lie to him, either. She got up and started to pace around the room, as she went over in her mind everything that she and the young summoner had said to one another. What's done is done, she sighed, massaging her aching temples. I only hope I didn't just make things worse. But I wish I'd kept my mouth shut about her maybe getting pregnant. I didn't need to go there. Her thoughts reversed directions. I didn't need her to go there. That ship was lost at sea five years ago. No, ten years ago, when Auron…died. And what kind of parents would we have made, anyway, she argued, trying to convince herself.
Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the door sliding open. She turned and saw her husband stride into the room, his coat, belt and armor over his arm, a towel around his neck, sweat staining his shirt and his face flushed with exertion…and triumph. He dropped his burden in a pile beside the door, and threw his glasses on top. She saw the predatory gleam in his eye as he looked her over, and knew that he was aware that she naked underneath her robe. "Who did you fight?" she asked lightly.
"Kimahri," he answered, as a broad smile split his face. "I won this time," he added, explaining his jubilant mood. He didn't beat Kimahri very often.
"I should get some potions. The last time you and Kimahri sparred, he cracked two of your ribs." She turned away, and tried to walk over to their packs. He took one step forward and caught her wrist, pulling her close, wrapping her in his arms, holding her wrists together behind her back. She was suddenly enveloped in his scent, the tang of his sweat, the scent of leather, from the places where his armor had rubbed against his skin, the exotic spicy aroma that seemed to come from his pores, and the heat of sexual arousal that was filling the room. Her head began to spin, and she gratefully went along with the sensation, letting him be the aggressor this time, knowing instinctively that he needed that, as much as she needed to be swept away.
"I am fine," he growled against her ear. "And I don't need any…potions," he finished, as he pulled the tie that closed her robe. A little roughly, he pushed the silk over her shoulders, and it dropped down to her breasts, trapped between their bodies. He dragged in a harsh breath, and forced himself to let an inch of space come between them for just long enough for the flimsy cloth to fall back, caught by his hand confining her wrists. His free hand splayed over her butt, as his lips crashed down on hers. As he plundered her mouth, he let go of her wrists, cupping her ass in both hands to lift her against him, his erection hot and hard against her belly, even through his clothes. She clawed at his back with her nails, knowing it would send him over the edge of what little control he had left. With a harsh cry, he swept her up into his arms, and began to carry her toward the bathing room. As his kisses continued to devour both her lips and her brain, her last clear thought was, we have each other, always. That is enough. A tiny voice whispered in the back of her mind, it has to be. She let her head fall back, and he began to suckle her breast, and she let the voices drown.
End Chapter Thirty Two