Standard Disclaimer. I do not own FFX or the characters in it. They are owned by Square-Enix. I do own this story, and my original characters. The title of this chapter is from a song originally performed by Genesis.
As Auron pelted down the path away from the sending that Yuna was performing at the cliff's edge, he tried to take comfort from the continued slight weight of his wife's body in his arms, but was unable to find much reassurance, her form was too limp, in spite of the bumping he knew she must be enduring. He refused to look down at her, for fear of what he might see, and continued to run.
But as his steps turned down the road where the cannons had once stood, he felt something tug lightly at his collar, and he risked a downward glance. Mercy's eyes were still closed, but he could see them move behind the shut lids, as if in normal sleep. Her fingers were attempting to grasp at the edges of his coat, causing the pull at his collar that he had noticed a moment before. His steps slowed to a shambling walk, as relief weakened his knees. His gaze swept over her repeatedly, searching for pockets of swirling pyreflies, or missing body parts, letting himself breathe again when he found neither. He angled off the road, away from the edge, toward the inside rock wall. When he reached it, he turned and planted his back firmly against the stone. Then her lashes fluttered open, and her eyes focused on his, and the air went out of his lungs and the starch out of his knees, and he slid down the wall, still cradling her in his arms.
"Auron," she whispered, still somewhat dazed, "what happened?"
He stroked his hand down the side of her face. His fingers shook, and he pressed them more firmly against her skin to stop the tremors. "Yuna's sending," he answered gravely. "You were nearly caught in it."
A confused expression crossed her face. "You always made it seem like the sending would be a good thing. Auron, it was agony! It felt like dying all over again." He took a breath, as though he was going to interrupt, and she placed her fingers over his lips to stop him. "Let me finish. It was worse than that. The first time, it was a quick painful flash, but this was endless, slow torture." She was angry, she felt like Auron had deceived her about the whole sending business. The entire Farplane and sending thing always made her a little crazy, but this was too much for her to handle, and she was taking her feelings out on the nearest available target, her husband.
Auron was contrite. He did feel some guilt, but not in regards to this part of the matter. But first, he needed to defuse some of his wife's anger and hurt. "My lady, the sending is only painful if one resists, as we did."
"Then you…" she began, finally reaching up to touch his cheek.
"Yes. But I have had more…practice at resisting Yuna's sendings. She almost sent me in Guadosalam, outside the Farplane," he admitted ruefully.
She closed her eyes for a moment, gathering her thoughts and emotions. "I'm sorry," Mercy began. "I shouldn't have snapped at you." She rubbed her cheek against his shoulder in apology.
"But I am at fault," Auron admitted, sounding apologetic. "I misjudged the strength of Yuna's sending. We should not have been standing so close."
"Enough," his wife broke in, in a passable imitation of his own sharp tone. Then she spoiled the effect by laughing softly. "There is more than enough blame to go around, love. Let's just quit shoveling it on ourselves, okay?"
He didn't answer in words, not at first, he just gathered her close in his arms and held her tight. Then he whispered in her ear as he rocked her gently, "I love you, my lady."
Her lips against his ear as she sat in his lap, she whispered back, "I love you, too," and pressed her face into the hard, muscled solidity of his shoulder.
As he held her, he faced the truth behind his precipitous actions at the cliffside. I acted without thought, in order to save her from going to the Farplane now, instead of a few weeks or months from now. No, I acted in order to save myself from being forced to continue without her for a few more weeks or a few more months. And if I had not managed to save her, what then? Would I have followed her? His thoughts hesitated for an instant's reflection, but only for an instant. Yes. I would have acted equally without thought, and walked into Yuna's sending. Just as I went to 'avenge' myself on Yunalesca, all those years ago. I have not changed. If someone, Kimahri most probably, had stopped me, I would have continued on, now as I did then, existing through my days until I reached the end. But my instinct would have been to have gone with her, if I could not save her. He cuddled her against his chest, stroked his hands down her back and arm, and felt her response, her arms tightening around his neck, her hands in his hair, her butt wiggling in his lap, against his groin. He felt the sudden, intense desire to make love with her, right there, right then, to prove to himself that she was truly all right, and truly still with him, to celebrate that they had cheated the absolute finality of death one more time.
She felt the evidence of his growing desire, and lifted her head to look into his face, and read even more into his expression, sleepy-seeming eye drifting from her lips to her breasts, parted lips taking rapid breaths, hands stroking down her back and over her buttocks and hips. She licked her suddenly dry lips and heard him groan softly. He closed his eye and pulled her head down against his shoulder, trying to block temptation from his sight. He knew that if they started now, in the current circumstances, stopping quickly would be between difficult and impossible. Having the others find them thus occupied would certainly either provide its own explanation for their departure from Yuna's sending, or at least distract them from it, but would also afford more embarrassment than he was willing to endure, unless there were no other options available.
Husky-voiced, he breathed in her ear, "We should camp away from the others tonight," he nibbled at her shoulder, "if possible," he tacked on, remembering duty, somewhat belatedly.
"Mm-mm," she hummed back affirmatively, pressing her lips against his neck.
He leaned his head back against the rock wall, and fought for control, or calm, and tried to think about raging blizzards, and what they should say to their companions when they came hurrying down the path in the not too distant future. He forced himself to keep his hands still on his wife's back, just to hold her and be grateful that she was still with him, and to try to let everything else wait until a more appropriate time.
"Auron, what's the problem?" Mercy's voice interrupted his empty thoughts.
"Our departure from the sending was somewhat…precipitous. We will need to make some explanation," he stated.
"I get it." She laughed, as if at a joke. He looked puzzled. "We need to tell a story," she explained with a smile.
"Yes. And I do not have a story for this occasion," he admitted. "I do not believe the truth would be…advisable…under the circumstances."
"Probably not," his wife agreed. "Let me think a minute."
"Think quickly," he urged. "I do not believe we have much time left."
"I know, we'll do something simple." She scrambled off his lap and sat on the ground with her back to the wall. "Take off one of my boots and pretend to examine my ankle when the others get here. You can even be a little unhappy about it if you want."
"You will pretend to have injured your foot?" he inquired with some sarcasm.
"No, I will pretend that you thought I injured my foot, that way there doesn't actually have to be evidence of any injury," she answered brightly. He looked more than unhappy, he seemed somewhere between stunned at her audacity, and angry at the part he would have to play in her little charade. She took one look at the expression on his face and continued, "You'd better let me do most of the talking."
"You do this sort of thing often?" he grumbled, as he slid off her right boot and sat down with her foot over his thigh.
"Only to get out of really awful meetings," she responded cheekily, "but I usually faked a headache for that. The ankle trick was for boring school trips." She grinned at him, but his sullen expression did not lift. "Auron, lighten up. I think this is our best shot."
He was unable to suppress his answering grin. "Did it work? Were you able to escape from the 'boring school trips', as you called them?"
"Until my parents got wise to me, yeah. This should work once." She paused, listening. "I think they're coming. Try to follow my lead, will you? I think I know how to play this."
"As you wish," he replied, staring down at her foot as he wiped the grin off his face.
The rest of the summoner's party spotted them as soon as they turned down the path, and Yuna hurried over to them, trailing her remaining guardians behind her. "Sir Auron, what happened? Mercy, are you injured?" the summoner asked breathlessly.
"It's all my fault," Mercy answered. "I must have been moving my feet in time with your dance, and I guess I put my foot down on a rock or something, because I started to fall. It must have looked more serious than it was, because Auron caught me before I could recover myself…"
"Or hit the ground," Auron muttered under his breath, just loud enough for everyone to hear.
Mercy continued as though her husband hadn't spoken, "and carried me off. I didn't know whether a loud argument would disturb the sending, so I didn't start protesting until we started down this path."
"I am amazed that you did not hear her," Auron interjected.
"But there's nothing wrong with me," Mercy protested now, as if continuing their argument. "I think I might have turned my ankle a little, but it's no big deal, I'm sure."
"Can you put any weight on your foot?" Yuna inquired, her initial unfocused anxiety now transformed into a professional healer's concern.
"I'm sure I can, but Auron wouldn't let me get up and find out. He's been sure that something must be wrong, and he kept trying to find it." She cast her husband an exasperated look. "Somebody help me up," Auron stood and offered his hands to her, and she shook her head. "Somebody else help me up, and we'll see." As Auron continued to hover at her side, Tidus bent forward and offered her his assistance. She stood easily on her booted foot, and flashed Auron a triumphant grin, put her stockinged foot down and then suddenly lifted it again hurriedly and clutched at the nearest available supports, Auron's arm and Tidus' shoulder, as she let out a string of curses, half of them in the Zanarkand gutter slang that only she, Tidus and Auron understood. Tidus smiled at the shared memory, even as he winced a bit at the strength of her grip. Auron thought that she was carrying out the charade much too far, until he looked down and saw the drip of blood on the ground below her foot. His feigned concern turned very real, and slung his arm around her waist to support her.
"Does your ankle pain you that much?" Yuna asked in alarm.
"Not anymore," Mercy replied through clenched teeth. "I just put my bare foot down on a rock. I think it's still in there. Shit!"
"Sir Auron, please set Mercy down so I can heal her," Yuna requested.
"Somebody check the damn ground first," Mercy grunted through clenched teeth.
In the end, it was a relatively minor matter for Yuna to remove the small sliver of chipped stone and heal the wound on the bottom of Mercy's foot, and the party was able to resume their journey with relatively little further delay. Mercy found herself somewhat chagrined by the entire episode. That will teach me, she thought, to fake a foot injury. These things have such a nasty way of coming true. I will definitely not try that trick again.
They descended to the level below, the clanking and grinding of the machina that bore them downward seemed to be even more noticeably tortured in the gathering darkness. Mercy overheard Rikku talking with Tidus. "You know, it's a good thing Yunie's done with her business up there. I don't think this machina's gonna last much longer."
"Me neither," Tidus replied. "It sounds like it's pretty much done for."
Mentally, Mercy agreed with them. This lift wasn't good for too many more trips, not from the sound of it. She turned to Auron, who had also heard the conversation. "I am grateful that it has lasted long enough to see us back down. When we went up I was not certain that it would," he said in response to her unspoken question. "We will camp next to the platform, against the rock face there. It is an easily defensible position."
She looked into his face. The moon was coming up clear and just past full, and his expression was easy to read. She licked her lips, and felt his eye track the movement of her tongue, saw his jaw lock, heard his breath hitch and resume, just a little faster. She knew she was hanging on to self-control by her fingernails, and he clearly wasn't doing any better. She'd nearly died today, and then she'd tried to take his head off, and then they'd practically staged another fight. Near-death, aggression, adrenaline, and now all of it had turned to sexual energy. She knew they'd been ready to jump each other earlier, and that was before that last, staged fight. Now it was worse, or better, depending on perspective, except they wouldn't reach an inn until tomorrow night. Not soon enough. He'd said something earlier about camping away from the others, and she wondered if that had something to do with the importance of the defensibility of their campground. She sincerely hoped that would make them easier to spare for one night. He stared into her eyes, his gaze hot and hungry, and the mirror of her own.
As they disembarked from the machina at the base platform, he caught her wrist, and growled softly against her ear, "I must speak with Kimahri. Do not unpack with the others." Then he strode off to confer with the Ronso.
As she assisted the others with the setup of the camp and the preparation of the evening meal, Mercy found herself tracking the position of Kimahri and Auron as the two warriors considered the security of the campsite and examined the surrounding area. She tried to guess the direction their decision was taking, but it was impossible. I cannot tell which of them appears more impassive, Auron or Kimahri, she mused. They seem to be brothers under the skin. But they keep walking back and forth over the same ground, studying the perimeter. I wonder if Auron is having second thoughts about this idea of camping away from the others. I certainly am. It seems at best self-indulgent, and at worst, foolhardy, or possibly dangerous. We are supposed to be responsible adults; we could try acting like it, for a change. But I keep forgetting, he has been the responsible adult on this journey for months, long before I arrived. Maybe he's getting tired of constantly playing the part, even if it is second nature to him.
She waited expectantly as Auron broke away from the Ronso and headed in her direction. She walked towards him, her impatience getting the better of her. "Well?" she asked, as soon as she reached his side.
"We will take the first watch. Then we will leave and make our own camp," he said in a low voice. "There is a platform at the north edge of this plateau that descends into a narrow shaft. I suggest we see if that leads to anyplace…suitable." As he spoke, his gaze continued to roam over the campsite, still clearly concerned about the safety of their companions.
His obvious distraction made her ask him the question that she had been asking herself a few moments before. "Auron, is this really such a good idea? You're clearly having second thoughts, and, well, I am, too," she confessed. He looked down sharply, his eye now focused unwaveringly on her face. She threaded her fingers through his, and continued, "Not that I'm not interested in running off with you tonight, but…it does seem pretty irresponsible. We'll be fine, but are we compromising everyone else's safety, just to indulge ourselves?" Her voice ran down, and she realized that she was blushing furiously. The whole idea of whether or not it was safe to escape to have a tryst with her own husband somehow seemed very embarrassing, and very arousing at the same time.
Auron's voice seemed almost distant as he began his reply. "Most summoners have only one or two guardians when they reach this place on their pilgrimage. Yuna will still have five guardians after we take our leave tonight. And fiends are generally less powerful, the further they are from the ruins of Zanarkand. There are places that are exceptions, but this is not one of them." He took a breath, then spoke firmly, delivering judgment. "If the five guardians who will remain with Yuna tonight are not sufficient to keep her safe in this place, even after so many months of journeying, it is best to learn that now, while we still have time to prepare." Then his gaze turned warm, and his voice became huskier, "and besides, do you truly believe that either of us will get any sleep if we remain with the others?" He finally smiled then, a slow, sexy grin that told her exactly what he was thinking, that he would rather leave with her right now, a smile that reminded her of exactly what they could do if they were alone, and why she so much wished they didn't need to wait.
She smiled back, and teased, "Do you really think we'll get any sleep if we camp by ourselves?"
He chuckled in agreement. "Possibly not. But this way, the time will pass much more…pleasantly."
Rikku's voice broke in to their private world, shouting, "Hey guys, dinner's ready!" so they turned back to rejoin the others and get something to eat before they started their watch for the night.
Their shift passed without incident, so when the time came to wake Kimahri and leave the immediate area, they both had fewer misgivings about separating from the others. Rather, Mercy was filled with feverish anticipation about the night ahead, and when she caught Auron's eye, she saw that he did, as well.
The descending platform was not very far from the perimeter they had patrolled while on watch, and their progress was not impeded by the presence of any fiends. The machina smoothly lowered them into an area that was a cross between a pocket-sized canyon and a grotto; in the dark it was impossible to tell whether it was natural or artificially constructed. But as they stepped off the platform, they could see that the only ways in or out of the place were the platform they had just used and a dark opening about six feet away from them, that led either to a tunnel or to a cave. Either way, they could not set up camp here without determining whether they could expect any 'company' to come from that seemingly empty doorway.
Mercy looked up at Auron, and he nodded to her in acknowledgment. She stooped and picked up some rocks from the ground, as he drew his sword and readied it over his shoulder. Then she pitched the rocks into the entrance, aiming in different directions in an attempt to disturb as many potential inhabitants as possible. And disturb them she did. By the time she had her swords in her hands, six Mi'ihen Fangs had boiled out of the darkness, searching for whatever had wakened them. The Fangs were no challenge to the two swordfighters, and fell quickly. Auron thought that the dire wolves in Zanarkand had been much more difficult opponents, since they excelled at fighting as a pack, and these fought only for themselves.
Adrenaline still rushing through her system after the brief but intense fight, Mercy looked over at Auron with an expression that was at once both appraising and challenging, and so steamy hot that he could have sworn he felt his own blood burning. He hoped like hell there were no more fiends, because he wasn't sure he could fight in his present condition.
Mercy was battling the impulse to just push him against a wall and climb his body, easily recalling more than a few occasions when she had done exactly that. The only thing stopping her was the thought that there still might be something else inside that opening, and once they got started, it would be really annoying to be interrupted. She looked him up and down again, and licked her lips. She was really tempted to risk it anyway. "Umm, I supposed we should check that out first," she finally managed to say, still staring.
"Yes," he answered back, slowly. One-word answers were all he had left.
"After you," she said, as she motioned to him to precede her through the black entrance. "You've got the big sword," she finished suggestively.
Annoyance, frustration and desire flashed through him like heat lightning. He was incapable of a verbal reply, the only possible response he could imagine was to take her against the wall, and he, too, was concerned that there might still be enemies yet to face. He shook his head and muttered something unintelligible under his breath as he moved toward the low archway, but he silenced himself before he actually bent his head to pass inside.
On the other side of the empty doorway, he stepped out of the way of the entrance, and cautiously straightened. Even at his full height, neither his hair nor the tip of his sword resting on his shoulder touched the ceiling. As Mercy came to stand at his side, he tilted his head back, and observed that the roof seemed to be a few inches above his head. Since there were no fiends rushing to attack, he tested the distance above him with his hand, as he had learned ten years previously that his ability to easily judge distances and depths had been lost with his eye.
Mercy stepped forward, attempting to determine their surroundings in the dim light. "Auron, we're in a cave," her voice echoed slightly.
"I had hoped as much," he replied calmly. "How large?"
"Not very, I think. Eight by ten, at most." She took another step away, and stood nearer to the middle of the little cavern. "My eyes have adjusted. I don't see any other openings besides the one we came in. No little tunnels, so no little visitors. We're safe here for the night." She moved to the wall and let her pack from her back with a grateful sigh, and removed her swords from her belt.
"Yes." The implications of that safety warmed the dark night. They were alone. Nothing could reach this valley, unless it crept past the camp above. And nothing could creep past Kimahri's guard. He moved to the side of the cave, propped his sword against the wall, and pulled his pack from his back. Then he turned to his wife, and pulled her into his arms.
"Earlier this evening, I believe you said something about our being irresponsible?" he questioned her, his voice a rough caress as he placed light, teasing kisses around the edges of her mouth between each word.
"I must have been out of my mind," she murmured, as she started to unbuckle his belt.
"Then you no longer wish to be…responsible?" he continued to tease, as his palm rubbed over her breast.
"Later, much later," she answered, tossing his belt to one side. He chuckled at her answer, and then grabbed her ass in both his hands, and lifted her up against him. As she wrapped her legs around his waist, he dropped to his knees in the sandy soil, bringing her down with him. It was a long, long time before either of them was even responsible enough to unstrap one of the bedrolls.
She thought at first that she was dreaming. One of the hot, sweet dreams that had sometimes come to her when she slept alone on the blasted plain of the ruined Zanarkand. She dreamed that Auron was there, his body a solid haven behind her, surrounding her with warmth, and love, and protection. His arms around her and his legs tangled with hers, his lips open against her shoulder, trailing kisses up her neck. But when his teeth closed around her earlobe in a sharp nip, she realized that she was not dreaming at all, that the sensations were very real, and that the crazy man was trying to wake her up.
She slitted her eyes open, found that it was still black night inside the cave, and shut them tight again. She snuggled back against her husband, and tried to drift back to sleep.
Auron felt her body relax into sleep again, but he knew what she was doing, and he was having none of it. Just because she needs less rest than before, does not mean she is any more willing to arise early than she ever was. He smiled to himself at his musings. Becoming unsent has not changed her basic nature. She still hates to get up before she is ready. He shook her gently, and spoke softly against her ear. "We should get up now," he informed her quietly.
"Why?" she finally muttered back, sleepy and disgruntled. He knew that to be her usual morning mood, if awakened too early, or after too little sleep, as was the case on this occasion.
"We should return to the main camp before the others awaken," he replied. He felt himself tense at the sound of his own words, and willed his body to relax again. I pray she does not ask me why we must return so early. My reason…is shameful. But then, so were my actions last night. We should not have left the others. It was selfish…and self-indulgent. I am astonished that Kimahri agreed to let us go. He felt his face burn with embarrassment at the thought of his discussion with the Ronso the evening before, and the transparency of his reasoning. I was a fool, last night. But it is easy for me to see that now…now that I am certain she is all right. I spent enough of the night reassuring myself about that…thoroughly…in every possible way. He smiled momentarily to himself at the memory, then frowned again. But now, I would prefer to return to the others before everyone is aware that we left in the middle of the night, and stayed away for most of the night. Again. This time so far away that we could not hear if there were any trouble. I am uncertain if it is my pride or my dignity that I am attempting to protect, or simply that I am trying to spare myself the embarrassment. Or I may just be a bigger fool than I first thought, and they will all find out eventually in any case.
He decided that she must be too sleepy to realize that his request did not make sense, because her next question seemed to come from a completely different direction than his thoughts. "Auron," she started, her voice still blurred with sleep, "how much sleep did we get? I still feel awfully tired."
"About three hours," he answered, as he pressed a kiss into her hair.
She felt his mouth turn up into a grin, and heard something suspiciously like lazy self-satisfaction creep into his voice. She thought he sounded much too pleased with himself, and she wondered why, especially at this unholy hour of the morning, and after his considerable tension a few minutes before. She scooted around to finally face him, and found him grinning, for no reason that she could determine, at least at first. But then the fog cleared her brain, and she finally asked, "That last time wasn't a dream, was it?"
His grin grew broader. "I never said the three hours sleep were continuous." It seemed like answer enough.
She remembered completely, now. They had begun just as they had in her dreams, just as he had this morning, his body folded completely around hers from behind, except that during the night, his mouth really had been open against her skin, kissing, licking, sucking at her neck, her shoulders, turning her head so that he could fill her mouth with his tongue, and his hands had been everywhere, cradling her breasts, rolling and plucking her nipples, skating down her belly and between her legs, stroking her intimately. She had been relatively passive, believing that it was just a beautiful dream, and he had let her continue to dream, clearly confident that her body would respond to him, whether she was fully awake or not. And he had been right. She remembered writhing against him, ready and eager for him to fill her, and he had gently moved her legs apart and thrust into her from behind, his long fingers still caressing her in front, and the explosion in her body that seemed to suck her dreams down into sweet, sticky darkness when he pushed her over the edge. The last thing she remembered was his breath, shallow and fast against her neck, and the slap of his skin as he pumped into her and cried out her name.
He watched her as she remembered. Saw her eyes sweep over him as she recalled every detail of their middle of the night lovemaking. He remembered it as well. The memory, combined with her naked form lying beside him, aroused him fully. She looked down at the evidence that was pressed into her hip, and then looked up again into his face, a mischievous smile on her lips.
"Are you sure you want to get out of bed right now?" she teased him, as she reached down and wrapped her hand around his shaft. Then she stroked him with her thumb, and he bit his lip to suppress a groan. "Are you really, really sure?" she asked again, but in spite of the sexual torment she was inflicting on him, he heard something serious in her voice.
He stared back into her eyes, trying to focus his scattered wits. He realized that she knew exactly why he wanted to return so early…and that this was her answer. And possibly a reminder of what he would not be getting for quite a while if he decided he would rather get out of bed, after all. And that he was a fool. He had made his own bed, last night when he decided to leave the camp. He might as well lie back and enjoy it. He placed his own hand over hers, pressing her fingers tighter around him. Then he lifted his hand to the back of her head, tilting it so that he could kiss her deeply. "I am certain that I do not want to leave this bed right now," he finally rasped, just before his mouth covered hers again.
Some time later, her limbs were filled with a pleasant lethargy, and she was trying desperately not to fall asleep. She thought about the morning, and the night before, and the night before that, and the one before that, and then she started to giggle. "What is so funny?" her husband asked hazily.
"The next time Tidus calls you 'old man', I will probably fall down laughing," she replied. He could feel her shaking with amusement, as she lay curled against his side, her head resting in the hollow of his shoulder.
He was silent for a moment, then he suddenly understood the innuendo, and chuckled softly. "Please, do not. I beg you." His chest was still rumbling with pleased laughter as he continued, "My dignity would not survive the explanation."
"And do you care so much about your dignity?" she inquired, a serious note entering her voice.
"Not as much as I once did," he replied, soft but now grave. Then his tone lightened as he continued, "Let us say, then, that this particular explanation would make me blush with embarrassment."
She rolled up on one elbow, and looked down into his face. "Love, that particular explanation would make everyone blush with embarrassment." She thought a minute. "Except maybe Kimahri." Then she turned her head and glanced at the mouth of the cave. "Hey, I think there's getting to be a glimmer of light, or maybe less dark, outside. I think now it really is time to get a move on."
He sat up, and saw for himself. "You are correct. It is time to go."
This time, they really did get out of bed and pack up their small camp. It did not take them long to dress and prepare to return to their companions. As they stood on the lifting platform while it ascended to the level of the main camp, Mercy finally asked her husband a question that had been bothering her since the day before. "Auron, explain Operation Mi'ihen to me, would you?"
His voice was distant, and somber, as he began, "The Crusaders and the Al Bhed hoped that they could destroy Sin with machina, but it was a vain hope…"
She broke in impatiently, saying, "Auron, I didn't mean the participants. Why they tried is obvious. Horribly sad, but totally understandable." She paused, hesitating as they stepped off the platform onto firm ground, then continued walking toward the main camp as she went on talking. "I meant their leaders, Seymour…and Kinoc. Why did they do it? They were maesters, they must have known it wouldn't work."
Auron spoke slowly, considering his words carefully. "Seymour did not become a maester until just before the operation took place." He paused, then finally said, "But Kinoc…I…do not know."
"Kinoc's position, you told me that he was the leader of the Crusaders, right?"
"Yes," he answered, trying to guess where she was leading.
"This operation, it was a big thing, wasn't it?" He nodded. "It must have taken a lot of planning, then. As the leader, Kinoc must have been involved in that." She looked at Auron for confirmation, and he nodded again. "I wonder why he did it, knowing all along that he was lying, planning for something that couldn't possibly succeed." Auron looked stricken, he hadn't quite considered his former friend's participation in the logistics of the operation in that light. "I wonder," she mused quietly, "if he planned it from the beginning, or if it was some Crusader's bright idea that had caught on somehow, and by the time he heard about it, he had to get out front and lead it, otherwise he would have felt like he had 'lost face' from not being in charge of it?"
"I still…do not know," Auron repeated, slightly dazed at the direction his wife's thoughts had taken.
"Or perhaps the Crusaders were already in too deep, and there was just no way he could get them out of it without revealing the maesters' secret knowledge, so he had to let them stay in," she speculated. "But what was Seymour's part in all this?" she probed again.
"I believe that he was still trying to make a name for himself when it began," her husband said, more sure of himself on this subject. "He was not yet a maester, and wished to have his name attached to the venture, just in case it succeeded, but in such a way that he could disavow it if it failed." His tone was sarcastic as he continued, "And I think he was Kinoc's rival, and wished to keep an eye on him, as well."
Recalling the entirety of the one time he had met with his old friend when they had not been trying to kill one another, Auron stopped walking, and stared sightlessly up at the sky.
"Auron, what's the matter?" Mercy asked, concern clear in her voice, as she laid her hand on his arm.
"I was thinking of Kinoc," he answered distantly. "When I saw him again…he had changed so much in ten years. I could not believe that my second-in-command was buried somewhere inside that fat little priest. But when he asked me if I had seen Zanarkand…his voice was that of the man I once knew." He paused, swallowed hard, then said, "I don't know."
"What don't you know?" she asked quietly, puzzled.
He stared into the distant past. "I don't know if I could have saved him, if I had stayed," he answered, in a flat monotone.
"You are determined to blame yourself for something this morning, aren't you?" she replied hotly. Then she wrapped her arms around herself and kept her mouth clamped shut while her thoughts buzzed, hurt and angry. Damn you, Auron! If you'd stayed here, we'd never have met, you fool! What are you thinking? Are you thinking? Sometimes, Auron, your single-minded focus makes me want to go after you with my swords! And Lulu thinks Wakka isn't too bright…little does she know. She finally calmed down enough to think more rationally, and realized what must be behind his thoughts of saving Kinoc. He hasn't let go, because he never really let himself grieve, in spite of what he said in Macalania that afternoon. He no good at letting go.
Her one outburst left him with the absolute certainty that she had understood exactly why he had originally wanted to return to the others so early this morning, but he wasn't able to follow the swift current of her thoughts now. He was only aware that he had said something to hurt her, however unintentionally. But when she finally spoke, she returned to his comment about Kinoc, not to her own hurt. "Auron, I never asked before, but tell me now. I know you left because you refused to marry the priest's daughter. But why did you refuse?" She started talking more rapidly than usual, firing all the questions at him at once, still a little afraid of the answers, and scared that if she paused for breath, she'd never finish. "You told me once that you turned her father down, but you never said why, and I never asked. Now I'm asking. Was she…pretty? Did you even know? Had you ever even met?"
He met her eyes, then, knowing that he needed to answer her questions with his attention fully focused on her, and not on the past. But it took him a few seconds to begin, to search his memories for an image that had faded long ago, because it had mattered little to him at the time. "Yes, I had met her a few times. Her father was a priest of the temple, after all. She was…pretty enough, I suppose, but I do not remember her very well." Mercy stared at him in complete surprise at that remark. She had always thought that the girl's looks would have been his primary consideration. He hastened to continue his explanation. "She had been raised to…serve her father's ambitions above all else. He wished to become a maester; I believe to someday challenge or more likely succeed Mika as Grand Maester." Mercy smiled crookedly at that last comment. "I see the irony in that now, but he certainly did not, then," Auron replied in answer to her unspoken but obvious thoughts about whether Mika would ever have retired. Then he went on with his story. "Ten years ago, I was to become a captain of the warrior-monks. I had no greater ambitions, but many believed that I would rise higher. This priest certainly did. He intended for me to marry his daughter, and use me and whatever influence I might have among my brethren to further his ambitions. I saw him as corrupt, more a politician than a priest. I refused." His voice turned bitter. "I did not know that the temple was already more corrupt than he could ever possibly have been."
She thought for a moment, then said softly, "So, the only way you could have stayed, would have been to have accepted a corrupt bargain? If you had been willing to do something that you would have thought of as selling your soul to keep your place, you could have stuck around?" He was jolted out of his self-recriminations by the quiet force of her argument. "Auron, under those circumstances, you couldn't even have saved yourself," she finished simply.
He nodded, silent acknowledgement that she was correct. Then she wrapped her arms around him, and his eyes squeezed shut, and he let her hold him, and he let himself mourn for his old friend, the man he had lost ten years ago, when he had chosen his path.
When he finally loosened the tight lock of his arms around her, he only shifted his hands to cup her shoulders, and looked down into her eyes. "We should go," he said earnestly, but he did not make any move to do so.
"Yes, we should," she agreed, quietly, waiting patiently for him to let out whatever was still on his mind.
"Thank you," he finally whispered softly, as he brushed her lips with his own.
She brought her hand up to touch his cheek, rubbed her thumb over the corner of his mouth, drawing it up into a half-smile. "You're welcome." She smiled up at him. "Anytime you need a good, swift kick, I'm there." But in spite of her words, her tone was soft and loving.
His half-smile turned into a true one. "We really should go. Someone should be preparing breakfast by now."
She looked over his shoulder at the dawn-filled sky. "I sure hope so," she said brightly. "Let's go." This time, he released her, and they set out towards the others, and that hoped for breakfast.
Tidus was the first one to spot them, as the others were busy cleaning up from the night before or preparing breakfast. But his boisterous greeting to Auron of "Hey, old man, what have you been up to all night?" made everyone glance up at the returning guardians. Yuna and Rikku both blushed as they resumed their morning tasks, and Wakka stumbled awkwardly, trying not to think at all for several seconds. Auron cast what he hoped was a quelling glare at the impudent young man, then turned his gaze to his wife. Mercy's eyes were nearly dancing in amusement, and he could see that she was biting the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing out loud. He was forced to compress his own lips in a thin line to prevent himself from actually doing so. The tiny sputter he heard escape her mouth nearly undid him.
But Lulu forced all thought of laughter from both of their minds. Her old anger rose and she burst out, "How dare you sneak away for the entire night? And you call youself guardians? What if we had been attacked during the night? What if something had happened to Yuna? Your duty is to protect your summoner, not…"
Kimahri broke in, his bass voice overriding all other sounds, "Yuna have five guardians during night. Sir Auron and Kimahri decide to test guardians. Must know if five guardians enough to protect Yuna." Kimahri stared down each member of the party. "Guardians must know that any can protect Yuna. Yuna must face Sin. Yuna must win. But all guardians may not face Sin, may not be there when Yuna win." Then the Ronso glanced quickly at Auron and Mercy, and Auron realized that Kimahri had agreed the night before, not because of any argument that he had made, but because of the one that he had not, that he and Mercy might have been sent the day before, by chance or by his following her. Kimahri continued, "But test was not good. No fiends last night. Must try test again."
Lulu had stared with her eyes blazing with righteous indignation during the Ronso's entire short speech, but kept her mouth firmly shut. Even in the worst of her anger, she knew better than to challenge Kimahri. But as soon as Auron strode away with Kimahri to discuss their march for the day, and Mercy was alone and searching for breakfast, Lulu grabbed the older woman by the arm and pulled her aside. Being forced to suppress her rage in the face of Kimahri's announcement made it burn that much hotter as she confronted the swordswoman. Mercy stared down at Lulu's hand on her arm, and the mage withdrew it, still having enough sense not to risk a physical confrontation, but Lulu's words hissed through her teeth as she began speaking angrily. "I was actually beginning to think better of you," the mage began. "That was incredibly selfish, not to mention thoughtless, leaving for the entire night. What if we had been attacked? What if something had happened to Yuna? You are supposed to be guardians. Why couldn't you have waited until we reach an inn tonight?" Lulu finally wound down, temporarily out of breath.
Mercy wasn't quite sure what to say. She was horribly tempted to just shock the poor woman, and answer that they really couldn't have waited another minute, let alone another night, and then watched her turn purple. But she realized she felt a little sorry for her. The situation had clearly gotten way out of Lulu's control, and she just didn't know how to handle it. So, instead of being rude, she tried to answer nicely, by saying, "Lulu, you heard Kimahri. It really was a good test. Except for the fiends not showing up, I mean. I admit, I suspect that Auron's arguments for doing it were probably specious at best, if not downright lame, but the idea was actually valid. Kimahri wouldn't have agreed to it otherwise, and you know it." Mercy smiled at the mage then, and waited for her to respond.
Lulu continued her attack, "You still should not have gone. It was irresponsible, and self-indulgent. Don't either of you have any self-control?" she finally wailed.
"Weren't there times when you and…Chappu…didn't have any self-control?" Mercy shot back.
Unprepared for this question, Lulu actually started to answer. "Yes, there were times…but that was different. We were…young." She stopped, stricken by what she had just revealed, and by the implied insult she had just levied.
Mercy replied in an amused tone. "And because we are not young, you think it must be different for us, is that it?" Mercy laughed gently. "Lulu, with the right person, the fire never burns out. Knowing how good it will be makes the fire burn brighter, and hotter," she paused. "If you are lucky. Very, very lucky."
"But control," Lulu began, then paused. "What about self-control, and self-mastery, and staying in control and being in control and keeping control? I am a black mage. An integral part of casting elemental spells is gaining and maintaining control, of oneself, and of the elements that one wishes to command. But your actions last night in leaving, exhibited no self-control. I do not understand this."
"Ah, now we come to the heart of the matter," Mercy sighed. "You make me glad I'm a fighter, and not a mage. When you fight, it's much simpler. There are times when you fight, just like when you love, that you have to know when let go, when you have to give in to the passion, in order to win. If you try to control everything, if you never give in to the fire, never let your instincts take over, you always lose."
"Is that your excuse, then?" the mage asked disparagingly. "You gave in because you are fighters? That is nonsense. You must take me for a fool." Lulu spat out, angry and disappointed with the other woman.
"No, I put that badly. Please try to understand," Mercy said, sighing wearily as she tried to reach out and lay a hand on the other woman's arm. But Lulu flinched away with a sneer, and the swordswoman let her arm drop to her side. "Lulu, we left last night because…Kimahri agreed that…we were not needed here. And," Mercy paused then, and locked her eyes with the mage's, "we needed each other. Yes, we let go of our duty for one night. The reason is one I thought I would not have to explain to you, of all people. I would have thought you learned it the day Chappu died." Lulu gasped in astonishment, unable to understand why this woman kept talking about Chappu. The mage stared back, and eventually shook her head in confusion. "Lulu, don't you understand? We had a chance for a few brief hours of joy, and we grabbed them and we'll have no regrets later about the chance we missed. Life is too damned short to ever do anything else."
In a desperate, haunted whisper, Lulu choked out two words, asking a question, and pleading for confirmation. "No regrets?"
"One, always," Mercy answered back, swift and sure. "I wish we'd had more time."
End Chapter Thirty-Eight
Author's note: Apologies are due because of the long time between updates. My life has been in an uproar since the first of the year, and it has seriously cut in to my writing time, and I chose to (hopefully) maintain the quality of the story, rather than just pump out quick but uninspired chapters. For those who are interested, since January, I have, planned my wedding, gotten married, gone on my honeymoon, looked for a new job, actually gotten a new job, and am now in the process of helping to pack up our household so that my husband and I can move ourselves and our 4 cats from Anchorage Alaska to Tallahassee Florida over Memorial Day weekend, since that is where my new job is. I do intend to finish this story, and I hope to get back to a more reasonable writing schedule as soon as we find a place to live and life gets a bit more settled. Thanks for your patience! I sincerely hope you think this new chapter was worth the wait.