A Conversation: Lana and Clark
"… I need a hurricane to empty out this place, seem it's the only way to salvage any sense I have left to move on. I'm waiting, to hear your voice again, and lighten up this heart, and I'm holding on to stupid memories, but I see you in every little thing…"
"Clark."
"Hello, Lana."
"Your mom said you've been up here since… since… She said that you've shut yourself away up here," She searches his face, while he avoids her eyes. "Clark, I know that you're big on secrets. That you're never really comfortable talking to anybody about what's bothering you… well at least not with me… Look. You know this isn't healthy. You know she wouldn't have wanted you to do this."
"Lana, I can't… I don't want to talk about it."
"Stop it, Clark!" frowning, she starts pacing the floor. He turns around and continues to stare out into the darkening sky visible from his loft window. "Why do you always make everything about you?"
Startled, he turns around to face her again. "I don't-"
"Yes you do. It's always about you, Clark. You make everything your fault. If I didn't know you better, and I do, despite you not trusting me with all the secrets you seem to insist on hiding, I'd say you're arrogant, and have a major hero complex." Lana stops pacing, and looks at Clark. Unconsciously, she crosses her arms defensively. "Clark, you can't save everybody. Not all the time. Not me. Not Lex. Not your parents. Not Chloe. You can't always be responsible for our actions, Clark. It's our life."
"I know that, Lana," his voice hardening, he continues. "But is it so wrong for me to keep the people I love from harm?"
"No. No. But you're not a super hero, Clark. Things happen for a reason, both good and bad-"
"Chloe's death has no reason, Lana." He says harshly.
Attempting to blink back tears, Lana shakes her head. "No. Chloe's… She… It shouldn't have happened. But it's not your fault, Clark. You couldn't have stopped what happened."
Looking at the tears trailing down Lana's face, Clark feels his own eyes brimming with wetness. He turns and drops down onto the couch that has been his bed the last few days. He bows his head, eyes closed and pressed down on the knuckles of each hand, trying to stop a dam from overflowing.
Lana sits down next to him, unsure if he'd appreciate comfort, but feeling the need herself. Hesitantly, she reaches over and rests a hand lightly on his shoulder. She feels him becoming tense at her touch and snatches her hand away.
Almost inaudible, Clark whispers, "I miss her. There was Pete, and there was her. Pete's gone, and now, so is she." Lifting his head and rubbing hastily at his eyes, Clark gives Lana a quick glance, before looking away again. "I'm losing all my friends, Lana."
"I'm still here."
"Are you? For how long?" At her silence, Clark shakes his head. "Even before you left for Paris, you were gone from me. I know that was my choice. So let me blame myself for that. But I did miss you. I missed you everyday. And when you did leave, I never thought you'd come back. I was happy for you though, Lana, happy that you'd finally escaped. I knew that wherever you were, you were happy."
"I missed you too, Clark." She says honestly, surprised at his uncharacteristic openness.
"Maybe. Until you met Jason." Clark says quietly.
"Clark…"
"I know, I'm sorry," sighing sadly, Clark continues. "I guess he's a lot I'm not. He's reliable, and he doesn't keep things from you. He's travelled the world. He can take you to places you've always wanted to go. He can take you away from here."
"We all have our secrets, Clark. Even Jason. There are things I know he doesn't tell me. About his life, his family." Lana rubs at her eyes. "I don't know what makes me interested in guys who like keeping secrets. Or maybe I'm just not the kind of person people like to confide in. Even Whitney hid his dad's heart condition until almost the end."
"Lana, there's nothing more I'd like to do than to tell you everything. I just can't-"
"Can't or won't, Clark?"
"It won't make a difference anyway."
"Maybe not. It won't bring back Chloe. It won't make Lex be the man we all want him to be. It won't stop him from being the man he has become. Maybe your truth won't help find Lois, or stop all the strange things that happen in this town. But it would still be good to know everything about you, Clark."
"It won't make you stay…" Clark says, looking into her beautiful green eyes. At her surprised look, he stands and walks over to the window, looking at the scattered stars across the sky. Eyes unconsciously, and without much success, searching for a star familiar enough to be Krypton. "You're going to leave anyway."
"What?"
"I said you're going to leave anyway." He turns to face her.
He stands there, the light of the moon streaming past him into the loft. His shadow reaching across the floor towards her. Lana is reminded of another night a lifetime away when she woke up against her mother's grave, to find a tall boy with strong shoulders and wings made of stone, watching over her from a distance. The boy had turned out to be Clark standing in the shadows of an angelic statue.
"Clark what are you trying to say?" she asks. As her eyes gets used to the shadow across his face, his blue eyes becomes visible. Clear, bright blue. Troubled and unsure - afraid. Clark? Afraid? Lana stands, and starts to walk towards him. Clark takes a step back.
"What if I tell you I'm responsible for your parents' deaths?"
Frowning in confusion, Lana asks, "Clark, what does my mom and dad have to do with this?" then impatiently, she waves her arm at him, "There. You're doing it again, blaming yourself for something that's impossible to be your fault."
Remembering a nightmare he once had, Clark swallows his fear and makes his mind up. "I arrived in Smallville on the day of the meteor shower." At her puzzled look, he adds, "The meteors came with me, Lana. All the way from there." At this he gestures behind him at the sky and the stars.
"You're not making sense. Look, if you don't want to tell me, just say so Clark, and I'll drop it, and never bring it up again."
"I'm adopted. I'm not from this town, or this country. Lana, I'm not from this planet."
"Clark! Enough!" she glares at him for a moment. "You know what, I think I should just go. I don't know what's come over you. Maybe it's grief, maybe it's just another wall of weird thing… I'm gonna go."
"Wait. No. Please, Lana." One moment he was by the window, the next he was in front of her, arms stretched out blocking her from the stairs.
"Hey. How did you-" she looks over at the window then back at Clark.
"Lana you want the truth, then please listen." With pleading eyes, he walks past her back to the couch, willing her to join him. The compulsion to tell her everything becoming stronger than the fear of her reaction.
"... I felt the faint trace of thunder, but there's no sign of rain anywhere. No there's no sign of you anywhere."
Midway through his confession, Clark is unable to sit still. Too conscious of Lana right next to him. He stands and walks back to the window, his words flowing softly out into the night. Behind him Lana listens with grief, disbelief, amazement, fear, but mostly a touch of hurt. Finally, and all too soon, Clark – the same boy she had grown up with, and yet a different person now, turns and looks at her. The fear in his eyes still a surprise.
"Why didn't you tell me before, Clark? Was I not good enough to know?" she asks quietly.
"I don't remember my parents, the people who sent me here. I don't remember the place I came from, or travelling from there to here. I don't even remember Mom and Dad finding me. But Lana, I remember being in the truck a few days after the meteor shower, Mom trying to keep me still on her lap. And we drove by your aunt's house, and you were there sitting on the front steps of the porch. Waiting. And you looked so sad. Later on… Much later, I found out why you were so sad." Shaking his head, Clark asks, almost pleading for her understanding. "How could I tell you about who I really am, Lana?"
"I don't know Clark. I don't know…" she sobbed.
And her crying broke Clark's heart again. He rushes over, kneeling in front of her. This time it is him who is unsure whether to touch her or not.
"I'm sorry, Lana. I'm so sorry," he tells her sadly. "I wish-"
"Oh, Clark. It's not your fault." Lana interrupts through her tears. "You had no choice. And your parents… Those who sent you here didn't have a choice either. I guess… I just wish…"
Clark sighs and pulls her into his arms. Glad that she let him. Relief washes through him as she allows herself to be comforted, thereby comforting him too. "If I could change it all Lana, I would. If I could bring back your mom and dad-"
"I know Clark. Nothing else would make me happier. But still, you are here… You were sent here for a purpose. And it all makes sense now. How you always seem to save everyone. If you weren't here… I don't know what life would be like. It just wouldn't be the same."
He sighs again, still afraid. Still unsure. He sits on the couch and lifts Lana easily onto his lap.
Lana looks at him through her wet lashes. "So I guess boys in your planet are pretty strong huh?"
Attempting a smile and a light-hearted tone, Clark quips, "I don't know. I'm the only alien I know." Lana chuckles. Her eyes lighting up, and her dimples appearing. Clark watches her face with wonder. "Lana you're so beautiful."
She looks up at him, still smiling. When she sees his face go red, she laughs again. Then for a moment forgetting everything else, she leans forward. And her lips touches his, remembering. The memory of their love passing from his breath to hers and back again. Healing them both.
And as they part, Lana feels Clark smile. "No matter what happens Lana, whoever we end up becoming. Together or not. I will always love you."
"… Hold me even though I know you're leaving
and show me all the reasons you would stay. It's just enough to feel your breath on mine, to warm my soul and ease my mind. You've go to hold me and show me now…"
Songs by Mindy Smith – Hurricane & One Moment More.