A/N

nebbyj: Of course! I'm an equal opportunity whumper. :-)

tko: Don't worry about Dr. Schwartz. He's got a thick skin.

jennamagig: He's pushing himself to the ultimate, all right.

Belisse: I should probably be disturbed that I whump people so hard, but I'm not! So there.

Out of Phase: I believe the phrase is, "It's going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better." :-)

Emma: Between Carson, John, and Rodney, I bet Elizabeth is going nuts.

Pike2: Run away! Run away! (I also sense a bit of South Park, there.)

MandyK: Not sure how I came up with that line, but it's definitely one of my favs.

potterfan: I don't think there's going to be a direct sequel to this one per se, but I will definitely be returning to this version of Atlantis again. As for Weir and Sheppard, I decided to focus on Carson in this story. A follow-up "ship" story is a definite possibility.

daffydonald: Dude, I'm writing as fast as I can! Gotta keep up the day job, too. ;-)

Espiritu: I don't think he was thinking. Purely visceral reaction

All right. This one was actually pretty hard to write, and I'm not sure how it came out. It probably would sound better if I had written it while stoned, but as it is I was only massively sleep-deprived. :-) Let me know if it works for you.

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"Perna?"

The woman smiled serenely. "This is the form your mind has chosen for me. Others have seen me differently." For just a moment, Carson saw a brown-haired woman in a conservative blue suit, then the same woman in a waitress' uniform. Then she appeared as Perna again.

"Uh, this may be a stupid question, but who are you?"

"I am."

Carson decided he was hallucinating. "You... are," he said slowly. When she did not respond, he exhaled loudly. "Let's try something a little easier, shall we? Where are we?"

The woman smiled again, as if she knew how frustrated he was becoming. "We are in between steps on the path."

Easier? Not so much. Carson snapped, "Can't ye talk in straight sentences? And don't give me some nonsense like 'Understanding comes slowly.'"

She remained silent again. After fidgeting for a moment, he said, "Well?"

"You instructed me not to say it."

Carson silently counted to ten. One would think that after dealing with Rodney, a Zen-like apparition would be nothing. One would be wrong, though. "Look, Perna --can I call ye Perna?-- I have to get back to my work. I have two friends depending on me."

Perna looked at him sadly. "Perhaps you need to lay down your burden for a little while."

A spark of recognition glimmered in Carson's mind for a moment, then slipped away. "But we're wasting time here!" he cried.

"Time cannot be wasted. Its passage can only be accepted or fought."

"Right! I give up. I have no clue what you're talking about. Can you explain, in words of one syllable, what the devil you mean?"

"Only when there is understanding can the healing begin. And the beginning of healing is hardest."

Carson seized on a word he could comprehend. "Healing! Michelle and John need healing. They could be dying! Me, I'm fine."

The being he saw as Perna suddenly morphed into Teyla. "Healing is not possible if the need is not understood," she said in what Carson thought of as her "Earth-mother" voice.

"Aye! I understand, all right," he said bitterly. "I understand that they're just lying there while you and I have a wee chat. I understand that I'm too weak and stupid to help them!"

"Your conclusion does not follow from the antecedent."

Carson gave a short laugh. "No? What else would you call it? I was just sent to bed like a schoolboy, and then collapsed in the control chair. My God, I've got to do something!"

"Why?"

"They're my friends, woman!" he yelled, horrified.

"I sense there is more." The woman morphed back into Perna.

Carson was suddenly aware of his body again, and was able to see. He and Perna were in the middle of a Highland meadow. Rocky crags rose in the distance, and sheep grazed contentedly around them. He suddenly felt worn out, and sat down on a large rock with a sigh. The scene reminded him so much of home that his heart ached. "Something else... Aye. Maybe it will finally make up for everything I've done."

Perna sat on the rock next to him. "What have you done to deserve a death sentence?"

Carson gave another little laugh. Now he knew he had to be hallucinating. "Oh, I'm dead, am I? Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse." He sat there brooding for a long time. "If you were really the woman you look like, you'd know," he whispered.

"Enlightenment is something for which all beings strive."

Emotions that had been pent-up for a long time suddenly exploded. "Well! Where to start? Maybe with the fact that I'm one of the greatest mass murderers in the history of my planet. I created a drug that killed thousands, half of all those who took it! Or maybe with the fact that I used a dying man, because he begged me to, despite knowin' that he'd likely suffer. Oh, and let's not forget the time I came this close to cheerfully blowing Major Sheppard and General O'Neill out of the sky! Take your pick!" Carson ran down, then shook his head. "Bloody hell, I'm startin' to sound like Rodney," he muttered.

Perna watched cloud shadows move across the meadow. "And of course you forced everyone to take the drug. Just like you held a gun to the head of the dying man."

Unbidden, Carson recalled the scene in front of the Wraith's cage on Hoff. Merell had removed his robe and was heading into the cage. He had grabbed Merell's wrist in a desperate grip. "You don't have to do this," he'd pleaded.

"No. But they couldn't have known what they were getting into!"

"To deprive someone of free will, even for the most noble of reasons, does not serve their interests."

Carson sat for a minute. A lamb had wandered over and he gently stroked its fur. It butted his hand when he tried to stop."Okay. Even if I accept that, which I'm not sure I do, what about the drone weapon? Obviously part of me wanted that to happen, or it wouldn't have been so blasted hard to shut down."

"Empathy is a double-edged sword."

"Lass, that's coming from way, way out in left field."

"In understanding the feelings of others, your own become more powerful."

"You're blamin' this on my patients?"

"You see people at their best and their worst, and care passionately about both. To internalize and reflect their feelings is the mark of a true healer."

Carson blushed a little at the compliment. "It's hard not to be affected by people. But given the chance, my mind chose destruction. Why?"

"It is a question often asked, but seldom answered. The light and the dark are inseparable. It is a wise man who acknowledges this and is vigilant."

He nodded. Despite all the good he knew he'd done for people, he also knew that he had his demons. For everyone's good, he would have to exorcise them. Suddenly, the nagging sense of familiarity that had been in the back of his mind burst into realization. "I think I'm knowin' who you are, now! I've read the reports. Can you help them, John and Michelle? If not to recover, then to... Ascend?"

"Each follows his own path in the end. You cannot save everyone."

Carson knew it for truth. He would continue to lose patients from time to time. But he would learn from each one, and maybe that would be salvation enough.

"Well, then. Am I supposed to Ascend? Is that why you're here?"

The being who had taken the form of Perna smiled. "Your journey on this part of your path is not yet complete. But I think we will meet again."

The meadow disappeared, replaced by a view of the infirmary ceiling. Carson felt pain in his chest where defibrillator paddles had been applied. He looked around to find himself connected to machines, with every conscious person in the room staring at him. John and Michelle still looked deathly ill. For a long while nothing could be heard in the roombut the beeping of a heart monitor, the hissing of a ventilator, and the sound of a man weeping.

TBC