"Just remember, it's none of your business," Richard said.
"He's wearing the same clothes."
"Chris, you two are broken up—"
"He never said that."
"I think when he asked out Wayne, that was a pretty big clue."
Chris glowered at the door Wayne had just exited, on his way for a bathroom break. He sighed and took a drink of water. "I can't believe he'd do that."
"Which one of them?"
Chris snorted. "Wayne will do anything that moves."
"Yeah, no kidding." Richard groaned. "Our lives would be so much better without Wayne."
"I hate him."
"Me, too."
Chris cast a glance at Alejandro, who was fixing his bandanna in the opposite corner. It was impossible to even guess what was going through Alejandro's mind; he didn't look blank, but he no longer looked agonized, either. He was just focused on learning the choreography.
"I'm going to talk to—"
"Bad idea, Chris," Richard interrupted.
"He slept with Wayne to hurt me, so we're even—"
"Uh, no. Chris, he's still mad, this will take time."
"But if I could just talk to him and get through to him, he'd have to understand. Everything would be okay, if I could just get through to him!"
"Chris…" Richard sighed. "Things are messed up, and they don't just… magically get better. And he has a right to be pissed, you know."
"Yeah, I do. It wasn't all my fault, though." He glared at Richard, who shrugged.
"I owned up to my mistake. I apologized."
"So did I!"
"Shh, you're making a scene," Richard hissed. "It's easier for him to forgive me; he didn't care about me that much. He loved you."
"He never said that."
"Yeah, well, I never said it to Shawna. Doesn't mean it wasn't true."
"Well, I'm not Shawna and I'm not the one who slept with… With…"
Wayne stepped back into the room. "So, we all rested up?" No one answered, and he shrugged. "Okay, well, let's get to it. Chris, we'll go through the last section again—"
"I got it."
"You were still off by two beats, it's okay. You know the moves, it's just the timing—"
"I said, I got it. We can move on."
Wayne shook his head. "I'm kind of in charge here, and you really don't have the timing; everything will fall apart in the next section if you guys aren't together. Trust me, this is what I do."
"Among other things."
"You know, if you have something to say to me, just say it. I'm sick of you acting like a spoiled little kid when you're supposed to be a professional."
Chris stared at him for a second, then caught himself quickly. "Well, where do you want me to start?" he demanded. "Was it when you slept with Shawna Rivers, who the whole world knew was in a relationship with my best friend?"
"It takes two to tango, Chris."
"Chris," Richard said quickly. "I don't want to—"
"No, I want to know what he thought he was doing. Is it professional to sleep with your coworkers? Employers? Does that meet your standards of professionalism, Wayne?"
"Who I sleep with is none of your business. And yes, I slept with Shawna; it was her idea. Sorry, Rich."
"Please, stop—"
"—and yes, I slept with Alejandro."
The silence at that was tangible. Everyone stared at Alejandro, and Chris could see how uncomfortable Alejandro was.
"Okay," Nick said, jumping in to the quiet, "well, we've all said some things here that are a little too far, but why don't we just get to work?"
"All I said was the truth," Wayne said coldly. "And Chris, I am a professional. It's just that some people here actually get the choreography, and I don't have to baby them. If you want me gone, I'll quit; I don't need this job. I have other gigs."
Chris started to answer, and CJ jumped in. "No, that's fine, we know that. You can tell things here are a bit weird, but we're here to work, anyway, so it doesn't matter. Let's go."
Wayne nodded, and finally Chris did too. But he was staring at Alejandro, who was staring off at nothing. Maybe he was reading too much into it, but Alejandro also looked a little bit… guilty.
"Hey, Wayne," Alejandro called, as Wayne headed to his car.
"You want a ride home?"
"Uh…" Alejandro shook his head no. "Sorry, I just… things got worse than I thought they would. I'm sorry to stick you in the… the middle like that."
Wayne shrugged. "Didn't bother me any. Chris never liked me, and it was good to get the whole Shawna problem out in the air. So… you and Chris?"
"There is no me and Chris."
"There was until recently, I gather?"
"Yeah."
"Well." Wayne chuckled, and gave him a pat on the back. "You want to make him madder? I'm free tonight."
"No," Alejandro said quickly. "I—that is—I'm sorry, it's not your fault, I just wasn't… I wasn't ready to start… To see anyone yet. It's too soon and it would destroy the band."
"You don't need 'em."
"Yes, I do," Alejandro said. "I just… Things are bad right now, but when I stop hating Chris they'll get better if I don't make them worse. I'm sorry I… I led you on."
Wayne almost choked, laughing. "No problem. You're a cute guy, Alejandro, I had fun. And… I'll see you all in a few days. Hopefully Chris will have cooled off."
"Yeah… bye."
Wayne shrugged. "If you change your mind, give me a call."
Alejandro didn't answer, just watched Wayne drive away, then looked back to the porch, where CJ was waiting. CJ had agreed to drive him home, when he'd said he didn't want a ride with Wayne.
"Ready to go?" CJ asked.
"Uh… One minute, I have to do something."
CJ raised an eyebrow, but didn't say anything as Alejandro let himself back into the house. Chris was right inside, standing guiltily by the window. Alejandro rolled his eyes; he had figured Chris was watching, but didn't realize he'd be so blatant about it.
"So," Alejandro said.
"Oh, so now you're talking to me?"
"Only temporarily." Alejandro shifted a little bit, feeling uncomfortable. "Look, I just—I want you to know that Wayne…"
"Is a dick? I figured that out without sleeping with him."
"I was going to say that I was sorry. I just wondered what it felt like to be you for awhile, and to be able to do things like that without thinking, or caring, what it would do to the people around me. But I'm not like that, and I just feel dirty, and I don't like him. So I'm sorry."
"Like…" Chris stared. "Like, sorry-sorry?"
"No. Sorry I went out of my way to hurt you, and sorry I sunk to your level. I don't have anything else to be sorry about. If you recall."
"Well, Jesus, I appreciate you lowering yourself for long enough to talk to me. I guess that means you're dumping me, huh? Nice of you to finally say so."
"I thought it was pretty clear, but, well, you never were the bright one." He paused. "Wait, that hurt you again, didn't it? Gosh, Chris, I'm sorry."
"You're a real jerk, Alejandro. I didn't think you were, but I guess I was stupid about that."
"I'm the jerk? You—forget it. This is stupid, I don't want to fight. I'm sorry I slept with Wayne. I still hate you. That's all I had to say."
"If you hate me, why are you sorry at all?"
"If you cared about me, why did you sleep with Richard?"
"I was drunk!"
"And I was mad. Now it's a calm kind of loathing. I'll see you tomorrow."
Alejandro didn't wait for him to answer this time, and started towards the door. Chris hesitated, then, "Wait, Alejandro—please. I just want to—I feel so bad and I know that doesn't make up for what I did, but I do."
"Good," Alejandro said, over his shoulder.
"What do I have to do?" Chris pleaded. "I'd do anything to fix this, anything, you know I would. Please… I need you."
Alejandro hesitated, his resolve crumbling, but then he remembered the sight of Chris in bed with Richard, too drunk to even notice him in the doorway, and shook his head. "Some things you just can't fix."
Chris was silent. It seemed as though there was nothing left to say. Alejandro didn't wait for him to try. He squared his shoulders and walked outside.
"Dammit, Chris!" CJ said, but the words were too tired to have any real bite to them. "A month we've been doing this. A month!"
Instead of responding, Chris tilted his water bottle to his mouth and took several deep gulps.
"Why can't you get this?" Nick asked. "The steps aren't that hard!"
"Look," Chris finally said, still out of breath, "I'm doing the best I can and… Oh. Yeah. My part's harder than yours, besides the fact that I have to sing at the same time. You want to switch places with me?"
"You? Give up attention?" Nick muttered.
"It's not my fault that no one pays attention to you except Ryyyyyyyaaaaaan, and no one pays attention to him in his band either!" Chris snapped.
It was a lucky thing for Chris that CJ was nearby. Had he not caught Nick in mid-lunge, Chris would probably have wound up black and blue.
"Okay, guys," CJ said, still holding onto a struggling Nick, "I know that we're all tired and frustrated and everything, and we're sick of rehearsing, but we really need to try to hold onto our tempers."
"I'll hold onto my temper when he learns to shut his mouth," Nick snarled, but he did stop struggling.
"I'll shut my mouth when you stop bitching at me about every single time I'm a teensy bit off the beat," Chris replied.
"A teensy bit? You call that a teensy bit? You nearly killed Richard with your flailing!"
"Hey," Richard called from the other side of the stage, "leave me out of this. I'm none the worse for the wear."
"Yeah, see?" Chris said. "Richard's fine. No one but you guys would even notice if I'm having a little trouble with the dancing."
"They'll notice for sure if you fall off the stage again."
"That only happened once, and it was because you kept pushing me!" Chris countered.
"We really don't have time for this," CJ said, "since we open tomorrow."
Neither Chris nor Nick listened to him.
"I wasn't pushing you. I was where I was supposed to be, and you were off."
"I was like two inches from where I was supposed to be."
"Maybe next time I'll push harder," Nick said.
"Jesus Christ, Nick, what did I do to you? You've been a—you haven't cut me a break all month and I'm sick of it!" He shook his head in disgust. "I get that I messed up, okay, and it messed up things around here. But the only person who has the right to treat me like that is Alejandro, and he's not, so you should back off and get over it."
"I have the right to treat you however I want—"
"Hey," Alejandro said, finally getting involved. It had been a month, after all; he didn't like getting involved in anyone else's fight, but since Chris had brought it up, all the stress between band members had happened because of their break up. Nick seemed to be even more angry than Alejandro was; Alejandro could only assume that it was because Nick had tried so hard to get them together. But even so, he didn't have the right…
"We should get back to work," CJ said.
"Why bother?" Nick muttered. "We can run the show again, but he's not going to suddenly know his choreography."
"I know it fine."
"Then why do you always mess it up?"
"That's enough," Alejandro snapped, and Nick fell silent, but didn't look happy about it. Alejandro turned to Chris. "The problem is the middle of the song; you get off and can't recover, so by the end you're… Several beats behind," he said diplomatically.
Chris didn't answer; he didn't know what to say. It was the most Alejandro had said to him at any one time in weeks.
"Let's go through that middle section," Alejandro said. "And figure out where you get off, okay? We can still fix it."
Chris hesitated, then nodded. "Don't tell me you're going soft."
"I'm tired of everyone screaming all the time," Alejandro answered. "And screaming hasn't fixed anything, so…"
Chris nodded, and Nick grumbled but nodded. Richard walked over to join them, and Alejandro looked back at their stage manager. "We're going to run just this one—slow, no band. Okay?"
"Whatever," the very tired manager answered. "I'll have everyone take twenty."
"Thanks." Alejandro turned to Chris. "Let's go to the end of the first chorus and do that verse and the bridge. It's somewhere in there."
Chris nodded again, and they all took their spots. Alejandro moved them through it very slowly, and in slow motion Chris was fine. When they sped up, Alejandro caught his misstep immediately; there was a quick combination where he never managed to land on the right foot and it got him half a beat off going into one of the jumps; jumping too quickly screwed him up on the landing, and recovering from the landing had him off completely.
"One thing at a time," Alejandro said, taking a deep breath. "Let's do it again."
"Hey," Chris said, stopping Alejandro as he headed towards the parking lot. It was impossibly late at night, and they'd finally finished their very last run through of the concert set. Thanks to Alejandro's patience, Chris had actually gotten the dance number correct, finally.
"Hey," Alejandro said tiredly.
"You heading home?"
"Uh… yeah." He shifted his bag to his other shoulder.
"Yeah, me too… Tired."
"Yeah."
"So, um, I just wanted to… I guess say thank you. For helping me tonight."
Alejandro shrugged. "You needed it." But he half-smiled as he said it.
"I know I did. I just… Man, Nick was driving me insane and I hate it when he's right because I can't do any of these stupid dances and… yeah, well. Anyway. Um, just, thanks."
"No problem." He paused. "I, uh, should get going. Before I pass out from exhaustion."
"Yeah, me too. 'Night."
"'Night."
Alejandro started to walk off again, and Chris started laughing. "Hey, Alejandro!" he called.
"What?"
"You realize we just kind of had a conversation."
Alejandro gave him a sarcastic thumbs up, and Chris grinned.
"What? It's the first time in a month, that's noteworthy!"
"Mark your calendar, Chris. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Yeah, good night. Get some good sleep, we have an audience tomorrow!"
Chris could see Alejandro shaking his head, either in bemusement or… something else… but Alejandro didn't seem angry, finally. It had only taken a month.
Two weeks in to the tour, Chris finally seemed to know the choreography as well as the rest of the band. Performing for an audience always helped him concentrate, and two weeks of doing shows had drilled the dance into his head. Even Nick had stopped griping about it.
Alejandro was thankful for that, if nothing else. He was sitting off on a couch at the side of a crowded room, a wine glass in his hand, but he wasn't really drinking it. It was one of the record label's parties; they weren't always fun, but the band was required to show up. So were most of the other major names on the label, though the Uptown Boyz had gotten out of it—the gossip said that Sean would quit the band if he was forced into a room with the V-Tones. Ryan had shown up on his own, though. Not that Alejandro was surprised. He and Nick had disappeared almost an hour previously, and though Alejandro was curious about where they had gone, he really didn't want to know, since he was pretty sure of what they were doing there.
"Whoo, you look hot in that tux Alex."
He looked up to see Shawna Rivers holding a martini glass and wearing a barely-there green dress. "Thanks," he said. "You're a little drunk," he added.
"Well, there is an open bar," she answered. "Anyway, I hate being sober when Richard is around."
"I'm sure he feels similarly."
"Did he really go to rehab?" she asked, flouncing down on the couch next to him. "'Cause I heard he was so heartbroken over me he had to go to rehab."
"I don't think they have rehab for broken hearts."
"I hear you could use one of them, though." She poked his shoulder and giggled.
"You're trashed," he said.
"Well, yes. It's so much more fun this way!"
"If you say so."
"See, you don't look like you're having fun and I know you're not drinking anything. I'll go get you something."
"I really don't want a drink," he said, and gestured with his wine glass. "Anyway, I'm set, thanks."
"Please," she scoffed. "God, these parties are depressing. A bunch of suits trying to kiss up to other guys in suits and a bunch of celebrities who are all drunk."
"Well, you could break that pattern by not drinking," he suggested.
"Yes, but then I'd have to deal with all of the suits hitting on me. At least when I'm drunk I can tell them they're hideous and they assume I'm just an alcoholic, not a bitch."
"Which you… are?"
"You think so? I don't think so, but Richard thinks I am."
"Well, you did cheat on him." It occurred to Alejandro that he'd never really had a conversation with Shawna before, and that she was drunk enough to make talking to her rather interesting. At least he didn't feel like he had to watch what he said so closely.
"God, when is he going to get over that?" she scoffed. "I mean, god."
"It's not something he can just get over," Alejandro said.
"Please. If Richard wanted to, he could forget it in a heartbeat. He's a showbiz person too, he knows how that works. He just likes feeling all superior to me. Such a prick, he always was. Even when we were kids. God."
"You know, I really don't feel comfortable discussing this."
"Which is why you need to loosen up, you didn't even notice that I called you hot." She rolled her eyes. "Most guys would be, like, all over me by now."
"Sorry, I don't swing that way."
"I know, you and Chris, right? Who'd you sell your soul to to keep that out of the papers?"
He shrugged. "We managed to be pretty discreet."
"Well, you're not flaming like Nick, but, like, god."
"Yeah. Like… god," he repeated.
She laughed. "See, you're funny, you just take things too seriously. Like Chris." She rolled her eyes. "I hear he and Rich…"
"I don't want to talk about that."
"I can't believe Rich slept with him, I mean, ew, I mean, no offense. He's just not Rich's type, he likes hot blondes." She giggled and tossed her hair over her shoulder.
"I'm pretty sure that Chris qualifies as a hot blond."
"Well, yeah, but he's so young. And, like, so… he's worse than me, even."
"Worse at what, exactly?"
"Aw, you're defensive, that's so cute. You're still hung up on him, aren't you!"
"You're not still hung up on Richard?"
"God, I am so over him."
He raised an eyebrow.
"I am, why doesn't anyone believe me? Jeez, does a girl have to get married to prove she's over someone? God."
"Were you planning to get married?"
"You asking me?" she answered. "'Cause Rich and Chris would both freak out and that would be, like, hilarious. And you're gay, so you could cheat on me, and I'm not, so I could cheat on you, and we could, like, gossip about our boyfriends. Aw, Alejandro, let's get married."
"How trashed are you, exactly?"
She giggled. "Not as trashed as I sound, promise. A girl can want companionship, can't she? All I want is someone to talk to. God."
Alejandro was pretty sure that if she said the word 'god' again, he was going to kill her, but instead he shrugged. "Well, you're Shawna Rivers, I'm pretty sure you can talk to anyone you want."
"Oh, so not true. I can talk, sure, but no one listens, they're too, like, hung up on me being Shawna Rivers. Like, no one cares what I say, they just pretend because I'm me."
"Did Richard listen?"
"Yes, like, for hours. He just let me talk as long as I'd sleep with him after. And Rich is pretty hot, so, whatever. At least he pretended to care."
"I'm sure he cared," Alejandro said. "I mean, he… He was crushed when you and Wayne…"
"Yeah, I feel bad," she said. "I mean, Wayne's so… He's hot and all but he just made me feel kinda… dirty, and not in a fun way."
"Oh, believe me, I know."
"Yeah? You know? You and… You and Wayne hooked up? God!"
"I'm sorry, Shawna, I'm not really very religious but could you maybe fixate on another word?"
"What?"
"Never mind," he sighed.
"So you and Wayne? Like, you had sex?"
"Yeah."
"Oh, hot. I thought you were, like, a virgin."
"Uh… nope."
"How many?"
"What?"
"How many?" she asked. "And groupies don't count, come on. You're the first person who's, like, talked to me in forever. Come on, I won't tell."
"How many…?"
"How many guys have you had sex with? Duh, Alex."
"Um… Two?"
"Wayne and Chris? That's so cute!"
He nodded bitterly. "Yeah, that's exactly what it is. Cute."
"So like, why did you and Chris break up? I heard you two were, like, gonna move to Massachusetts and adopt three Asian kids or something."
"Boy, did you hear that one wrong." He laughed a little and took a sip of his drink, feeling a little bit better. Shawna may have been drunk, but she was fun; at least she wasn't playing mind games and he didn't have to guard every word he said around her. And there was something a little bit fun about talking about his ex-boyfriend. Just a little. He wasn't proud of that, though.
"So what's the deal, then? You two weren't head over heels?"
"We were… I was."
"So what, he dumped you? Brother, you can do better."
"Uh… thanks, but actually, I dumped him."
"Good, you can so do better. God, you're cute." She giggled. "Why'd you dump him?"
"Um… You're kidding, right?"
"No, come on. Like, everyone said you two were made for each other."
"Who said that, exactly?"
"You know, people. I hear things. From people who know people. Chris's hair dresser. Oh, and Ryan told me."
"And Ryan would have heard from Nick, right, I'll have to remember to discuss that with him later."
"Oh, just spill it." She punched his arm playfully. "This is so great, we're like girlfriends."
"Except that I'm a boy."
"Well, yes, obviously. I could totally be your faghag."
"Or we could get married to throw the press off."
"You wanna?"
"I was kidding."
"Me, too. So spill it, you and Chris broke up, because…?"
"You don't know? For real?" She shook her head no. "Um, you said yourself. Chris… Richard… Sex… Ring a bell?"
"Yeah, so?"
He stared.
"What?"
"Um, Chris had sex with Richard while he and I were together."
"And?"
"And… that's what we call 'cheating' and 'unforgivable.'"
"Please. It's Chris. What did you expect?"
"I expected him to be faithful to me."
"That's so cute." She tweaked his nose. "That's like, Richard. God, he expected so much from me. I'm not perfect, you know."
"I got that impression, yes. But there's a difference between being prefect and… and hurting someone you supposedly care about."
"Yeah, but you knew what you were getting into. Like Richard knew, he never should have freaked. God, I could kill him for wrecking things between us."
"He wrecked things? You slept with Wayne, and he wrecked things?"
"Um… yes? I wanted to just forget it, but no, Richard had to go be all offended, like it meant something or something."
"When someone you're in love with betrays you, that means something."
"Oh, sweetie," she cooed. "Let me explain something to you, about me and Chris, and Richard when he's not trying to be all morally superior." She rolled her eyes. "He's hot, but so self-righteous, god. And he's just like me and Chris beneath it all."
"What do you mean?"
"Alejandro, come on. You've seen Chris. Haven't you seen him, like… preening? Like, the boy can't look away from the mirror for three seconds. I bet he watched the mirror when you two had sex."
"Excuse me?"
"Well, I bet he did. The thing is, honestly, that's not his fault. He grew up, like, surrounded by people who always said they adored him, who, like, only cared about looks and stuff like that, you know. It's not exactly normal."
"No kidding."
"But, like, it's like being a princess. In a tower, right?"
"What?"
"So everyone says they love you all the time, no matter what you do, so you don't, like, that is, no one tells you, no, you shouldn't do that. And when people get pissed off at you, they just disappear. Poof, just like that. 'Cause the whole world is about you."
"The world isn't really about… you," he said.
"Well, yeah, it is, and Chris's world is about him, and Richard's world is about him. That's the way we are. I mean, Rich likes to pretend he's so normal and all, and I know I'm all screwed up, I mean, god, I divorced my mom. But Chris doesn't even realize most of the time, he thinks everyone's like him."
"That still doesn't give him the right to… to betray me."
"Yeah, but, like, he didn't realize what he was doing. He wanted Rich that night, he got Rich, he didn't realize that it meant he couldn't have you, too. And if you didn't know that about him, you must not be as smart as he says all the time. I mean, it's kind of obvious."
"He and I had a relationship. That's about two people. Two. Not just him."
"Yeah, well, the most normal relationship Chris has been in was on TV, and even that was, you know, TV. Totally fake. He doesn't know how to be in a relationship. He probably doesn't even know why you dumped him."
"Believe me, he knows."
"Yeah, but does he get it? God. It's like Richard, he expected all this stuff from me. Like, from day one, he wanted it to be real and I just don't do real."
"You'd rather be a princess in a… styrofoam tower? It's all just fake."
"Yeah, I know. But at least I'm a princess. And like, if Rich had done that to me, whatever. He's almost as bad as me underneath it all. I'd have been like, whatever, and we'd have moved on. But no, he has to make it in to some big deal."
"You really don't think it's a big deal? Because Chris knew. He knew how I felt, and if he didn't feel the same way, he was lying to me; and if he did, he should have known better."
"So, like, if you're all so in love with him or whatever, why'd you let him go?"
"He cheated on me."
"Yeah, but you love him. Jeez, lighten up, Alex, god. Either love him or don't but don't blame him for you not getting it."
"I'm not the one who—" He stopped and composed himself. "Well, thanks, Shawna, this has been… enlightening."
"Aw, don't go run off, who else am I gonna use to keep the perverts who work here away? God, one of them totally tried to feel me up at the bar. Like, ew."
"I think you can take care of yourself, somehow. Just try talking to him next time, I bet his head will just about explode." He stood up. "Anyway, it was nice… it was interesting talking to you, we should do it again sometime."
"Yeah, totally."
He finished his wine and left the glass on a table as he walked away, looking for Chris. It wasn't hard to pick him out of a crowd, given how few real blonds there were, and he was standing over by the bar, having a drink and talking to one of the suits. Alejandro had no real idea who any of the executives at the party were, even though they kept coming up to congratulate him on the record and tour sales. No wonder Shawna had wanted to get away from them.
He ordered another drink and waited for Chris to start to sound awkward, like he was trying to find a polite escape from the conversation. Alejandro cleared his throat and walked up. "Hey, Chris, I've been looking all over for you." He turned to the suit. "Sorry, it's a band thing, nice to meet you."
He steered Chris away and to a corner where Chris couldn't bolt, and no one could really interrupt them. "…Hi," Chris said, sounding confused.
"Hey," Alejandro said. "Do you… have a minute?"
"If you can keep those guys away from me, yes, absolutely. God, they're creepy, I think one of them was trying to grope me."
Alejandro blinked. "Well, that was a little déjà vu," he said.
"What?"
"Nothing, just… I was thinking."
"Shocking. You never do that," Chris said, and it was clear from his voice he was trying a little too hard to joke around. But Alejandro understood.
"I know, so I unleashed the mighty power of my brain on, you know… our situation. And Shawna provided some surprising insight."
"Shawna? Really?"
"No, not really. Well, kind of. A little. Anyway, what I was thinking was…" He hesitated. "Look, I can't lie. You hurt me really, really badly. Worse than I'd ever been hurt before."
Chris's face fell. "Look, if you're just going to scold me, I already know. I suck at life, I can't keep a relationship, I'm a horrible person. That's been made more than clear, so, please. Don't."
"What I was saying was that I can't lie about that, and it means I can't… I can't trust you like that again. I don't ever want to hurt like that again. But I really miss you… As a friend. As someone I can joke with and talk to and… all of that. And I miss the band being friends and not wanting to kill each other."
"Yeah, you and me both. We're almost as bad as the Uptown Boyz, I swear."
"I wouldn't go that far. But…" He shrugged. "I'm done being mad at you. I want to be friends again."
Chris grinned at him. "Well, it took you long enough. I missed you, too."
"But just friends," Alejandro reminded him.
"Yeah, it's probably safer that way. I wouldn't want to go through all of that again."
"You think we would? Honestly?"
"Well, I wouldn't sleep with Richard again, no. But let's be real. I'd screw it up. I screw everything up."
Alejandro raised an eyebrow. "You're waiting for me to say that's not true, aren't you?"
"Too much to hope for so soon?"
"A little bit."
"Well, it was worth a shot." Chris laughed. "I'm glad you're… doing better. Do I really have Shawna to thank for this?"
"She's a little drunk, I doubt she'll remember in the morning."
They lapsed into an awkward silence, which Alejandro supposed was only to be expected, considering that they'd barely spoken for over a month.
"So…" Chris said finally. "You can let me out of this corner now."
"Oh, right." Alejandro stood aside so Chris had a little more breathing room, and they stood side by side for a minute.
"Well, this is weird."
"Just a little."
As they were standing silently, neither one quite sure what to say, someone else sidled up next to Chris. Alejandro recognized her a little; she was one of the several Shawna-wannabes the label had signed in the wake of Shawna's popularity. He didn't remember which one she was, but Chris seemed to.
"Hey, you're Chris Ivers," she said, smiling playfully.
"Look at that, so I am."
"I love your music. And I like your moves."
"My moves?" he repeated, smirking. "On the dance floor or off?"
"Well, I haven't seen them off the dance floor… yet."
"You sound eager," he said.
"I feel a little ill," Alejandro muttered to himself.
Chris laughed. "Don't mind Alejandro, he just doesn't know how to have a good time."
"Not like you?" she said.
"Nothing like me. We'll, uh, catch you later, Alejandro."
Alejandro just stared as they walked off. It wasn't that he was jealous, exactly, it was more that he didn't think even Chris could be that insensitive.
Somehow, Nick and Ryan had managed to sneak into Nick's hotel room without being noticed. They knew it was sheer luck, and they'd have some interesting explaining to do to get Ryan out the next morning, but Nick was pretty sure they could manage it. And it would be worth it to get to spend a night together like a normal couple.
CJ threw open the door to Nick's room angrily. "Okay, I've had it," he snapped.
Nick sat up, sweaty and shirtless, clutching the covers. "Uh, a little busy here, CJ!"
"Yeah, whatever. Hi, Ryan."
"…Hi…" Ryan said from under the sheets.
"Could you maybe come back later? We're kind of… in the middle of… You know… Get out?"
"Whatever, Ryan can give you head any time, I'm having kind of a best friend crisis here that you're supposed to care about."
"Well, for one thing he can't, and for another… Ten minutes, seriously, I swear."
CJ shook his head. "It's because I'm your ex, isn't it? Ryan, he's not worth it, I promise."
"CJ. Swifty. Go. Away."
"Oh, harsh."
"Leave!"
"I haven't managed to kill the mood yet? …Ryan didn't suffocate down there, did he?"
"CJ!"
"God, the look on your face right now is brilliant. Ryan, you should see this. And come up for air, fella, this might take a few minutes."
"I want you to know that I genuinely hope you never have sex again."
"Well, considering the people you've been fixing me up with, it looks like you might get your wish. Can I sit down now?"
The sheets rustled and finally Ryan emerged at the head of the bed. "If we let him talk, will he go away?"
"I promise," CJ said.
"I'm going to go shower." Ryan kissed Nick quickly. "Feel free to join me when you're done here."
CJ glanced around and noted the undergarments on the floor. He raised an eyebrow and waited for Ryan to get out of bed. Ryan glared at him, grabbed a pillow, and used it to shield himself as he stalked to the bathroom.
"I really hate you, CJ."
"No, you don't. Well…" CJ cocked his head, considering. "Maybe you do. Are you trying to set me up with morons and zombies? Because so far, I have yet to go out with anyone who can form a complete sentence other than, 'Hey, you know Chris Ivers, don't you?'"
"You interrupted me and Ryan," Nick said slowly, "to complain about your crappy dating life?"
"Yes, because if I'm not getting any, buddy ol' pal, I really don't care if you aren't, either."
"Nice to see you have compassion for your fellow man."
"Look, all I want is a normal person. Is that so much to ask? Don't you know any of those? Someone who isn't cross eyed and has most of his or her own teeth and little to no silicone implanted anywhere, who can count to ten and go for a minute and a half without mentioning Chris or Richard? Is it that hard?"
"If it's so easy, why don't you find someone yourself?"
"Because every person I talk to immediately wants to know Richard's phone number. Are you doing this to me on purpose because I'm your ex? Seriously."
"You are paranoid."
"Yeah, well, that doesn't mean I'm wrong, does it? Because this has gone past coincidence."
"You're imagining things. Just loosen up, you'll meet someone. Now, if that's all, I have a very hot boyfriend in the shower and I'd like to go make the fact that you interrupted us up to him."
"You're so selfish."
"You're a freak."
"I'm serious."
"You didn't even knock when you got here."
"Well, you didn't lock the door." CJ groaned. "Do you know when the last time I had sex was?"
"It was two nights ago with a groupie."
"Okay, do you know when the last time I had sex I cared about was? Like, with you. You cursed me! I swear to god! Ryan, watch out, he curses people!"
Ryan answered something from the shower, but CJ couldn't make out the words. He didn't really have to; the general tone was enough.
Nick sighed. "Look, I'm doing the best I can. I'm not trying to set you up on bad dates, and I'll, like, get references for the next one. If you still want me to find a next one."
"Well, yeah, of course."
"Okay. Is there anything else I can do for you, or can I go…" He nodded urgently towards the bathroom.
"Well, if you wanted to pal around and watch a movie or something—"
"Get out."
"Going… Bye, Ryan! Nick, seriously, I'm lonely."
"I know. We'll find you someone, don't worry. You're my best friend, I won't let you down."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
"Okay." CJ took a deep breath. "I'm going to go watch Skinemax and see if I can con one of the girls from room service into anything."
"Okay, have fun with that. I'm going to go shower."
"Thanks for that mental image, Nicky. 'Night."
"Goodnight, CJ."
CJ let himself out, and this time he distinctly heard the sound of the door locking behind him.
When Chris got up the next morning and walked into the suite's common room, Alejandro was already up. He was dangling his spoon in a bowl of Cheerios, but didn't look like he'd eaten too much.
"'Morning," Chris said.
"Yeah."
"So you have a good night last night?"
"Not really."
"Sorry." Chris shrugged. "I mean… those parties suck."
"No kidding."
"You and Shawna looked awfully snuggly, though. Does Richard know?"
"If Richard thinks there's even a vague possibility of me doing anything with his ex, you know, girlfriend, he's deluded."
"Whoa, I was teasing, chill out."
"Well, don't."
"Okay… Fine. Are you okay? I thought you said… back to normal and stuff."
"Yeah, well, I may have spoken too soon." He dropped his spoon into his bowl. "I'm not hungry. Catch you later."
"Wait, hang on!" Chris called. "What, last night you said we were fine and this morning you're… not fine."
"We weren't fine last night, Chris. We were… We couldn't talk, not that you noticed."
"It was the first time you'd talked to me in a month and a half, I was startled! Of course it was weird. Come on, let's just… keep moving on. It'll get better."
"Sorry, I just don't think I believe that."
"Well, you did last night. So…" He trailed off. "What happened after I left?"
"You really don't get it, do you?"
"No, obviously I don't. What… What the hell did I do? I tried to be nice, we were getting along, we were happy, and now you hate me again, so what gives?"
"It wasn't after you left, Chris," Alejandro said, taking a deep breath. "It was you leaving."
"Um?"
"With… Whoever she was. You just ditched me to go get laid."
"Well it's not like you and I were going to be heading off to the bedroom, so what does it matter?"
"What, it only would have mattered if we'd slept together?"
"You broke up with me, Alejandro. You broke up with me, then you said we're friends, so why does it matter that I went off with someone else?"
"Did you miss the part of the conversation where I said I really was afraid you'd hurt me again? That if it wasn't for the fact that you ripped my heart out we'd still be together?"
"What?"
"This isn't going to work," Alejandro said. "I don't think that we're going to be able
to be friends."
"Why not?"
"Because—because every time I see you, it hurts! I thought it would stop but it didn't, and you just left with some girl who only wanted to sleep with you because you're a star, and you did it right in front of me, and you were pretty damn blatant about what you were doing, and it hurt. And it still hurts. And as long as you and I are both here, we can't be friends, because if we're friends I expect you to care a little bit, and to not make me feel like this!"
"We broke up!" Chris repeated. "We—we broke up. You made it very clear that we were just friends. What do you want from me? You want me to be a monk so we can be friends? You want me to refrain from talking to girls, and for that matter, from boys who aren't in the band?"
"Richard was in the band," Alejandro snapped.
"So you want me to stop talking to anyone who's not you?"
"I don't—I don't know! I just don't want to feel like this anymore. And every time I see you—I can't even look at you without thinking of you and Richard, or you and—and whoever it is you're running off with at the time—and it just hurts!"
"Alejandro, I… I never want to hurt you. I still… I would still… You think it doesn't hurt me?"
"What?"
"You coming up to me and saying, 'I miss you, I care about you, let's be normal, no, just friends.' And then I have to pretend that I'm being friendly when all I really want to do is…"
"Is what?"
"What do you think, genius?"
"I don't know what to think."
"Do I seriously have to spell this out, Alejandro? I am not over you. I am not even a little bit—I love you. I have loved you for months and never said it, and I screwed up and I have to live with that every day. And you think it doesn't hurt me to just be friends with you? I—Every time you say 'good morning' to me, I want to—I want you and I have to pretend I don't. You think that doesn't hurt!"
"Of course it hurts," Alejandro said quietly. "But if you loved me, why did you…"
"How many times do I have to say, I was so drunk I didn't know what I was doing, and we'd had a fight so I was angry and upset, and Richard—all I knew was that he was making me feel better. If I'd realized what I was doing, I wouldn't have!"
"Well, that's just not good enough." Alejandro shook his head. "Because if that's what you do for a minor fight, what about the big ones? What would we have done then?"
"I don't know," Chris said miserably. "I just—I just don't know. I messed up so badly and I lost you, and nothing will ever bring you back, will it?"
"I think I was wrong last night," Alejandro murmured. "Maybe we shouldn't be friends. It hurts us both too much."
"Maybe you're right."
"Then… Goodbye, Chris. I really…" He swallowed. "I really miss you."
"Me too."
After that, there was nothing else to say. Alejandro left the room, and Chris stayed, and neither one tried to stop the other.
Warming up for their show that night was about the worst thing Chris had ever experienced. He wasn't even angry anymore, just miserable. Now Alejandro knew everything, even what Chris had tried to keep hidden, and Alejandro still wanted nothing to do with him. And there wasn't a damn thing he could do to change it.
He didn't feel warmed up when they went on stage, and though he did his best to be upbeat for the audience, all he really wanted was to curl up alone in his room and be miserable.
The worst was the ballads, the love songs. People always complimented him on how well he emoted during those, but singing about losing his true love was hitting a little too close to home. He just concentrated on the audience and tried not to remember that the smooth bass voice was Alejandro's.
He managed to keep it together through the show itself and sat by himself during the break before the encore. He downed a bottle of water, changed his costume, and pulled his knees up to his chest.
"Everything cool?" one of the stage techs asked.
"Yeah, fine," Chris mumbled.
"Great, you're on in thirty. You should…"
He nodded and stood up to join the rest of the band, preparing to take their places for Nobody's Puppet. But he'd come to hate the song; there were just too many memories tied to it. Alejandro understanding how he didn't want to be a puppet anymore. Alejandro convincing them to sue Pulitzer. Alejandro helping him learn the dance, even when he didn't want to speak to Chris.
Thoughts of Alejandro clouded his head as they started. The screaming fans couldn't even drown them out. He got through his verse, the chorus, and Richard's verse, and they went into the bridge.
He landed on his left foot at the end of the first combination and realized it abruptly. He started to go into the jump, felt that he was off the beat, tried to compensate by getting his feet down quicker, jammed his ankle and his leg gave out.
The music went on, but Richard's singing stopped abruptly. Chris lay there, hearing the silence that had enveloped the whole arena.
"Chris!" Richard half-screamed, and it echoed through the speakers.
Chris looked down at his ankle. There was no blood, which was a good sign, but when he tried to wiggle his toes he couldn't feel them. He blinked a few times, and everything felt unreal.
Then a security guard was there, and a stretcher. "I'm sorry," Chris mumbled over and over, even after they'd taken his headset away and there was no way for anyone to hear him. And he didn't even know who he was apologizing to—the fans, the band, Alejandro.
He shut his eyes and figured that physical pain was as good a cover as he was likely to get, and felt his chest tighten as the first tear fell. "I'm sorry," he said again. "I'm just… I'm sorry."