Title: The Seduction of Sirius Black
Summary: Harry needs advice. Topic? "How to go about telling some one just how crazy you are for them". He goes to Sirius, who doesn't know that his oh-so-expert advice is about to be used on him…
Pairings: Harry/Sirius, Remus/Sirius (past), Remus/OC
Disclaimer: characters aren't mine, just borrowing them for a bit. Never fear, I promise to bring them back safe, if not mildly corrupted. Hehehe….
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AUTHORS NOTE/CHAPTER SUMMARY: All right, our favorite non-existent pair is almost ready to show what great lengths that they would go to, to get the other to notice them. Will everything end smoothly, or will yet another mistake set them back?
Ch 5: Sauce, Asses and Eyeliner
Harry closed the door to the bathroom behind him as he placed his towel on the edge of the sink.
"I'm tired of rumors started
I'm sick of being followed
I'm tired of people lyin
Sayin what they want about me"
/Why are you singing that horrible song/
I dunno sitting on the edge of the tub, he turned on the tap, sticking his left hand under the running water as he twisted the knob with his right. I kinda like it, and it's stuck in my head anyhow- He pulled the shower knob, stood up, and pulled his shirt off over his head. Might as well sing it
He wiped his hands off on his shirt before he flung it in the direction of the bin, doing the same with his boxers. He danced and twirled over to the cabinet under the sink, pulled out a hairbrush and shampoo, and proceeded to dance around the bathroom.
"Do-do-do dodo dodo, do-do-do dodo dodo, do-do-do dodo doooouuuhhhhhhh!" /BangFlump/
He slipped on his abandoned jeans and slammed into the door, hitting the same shoulder that he had hit just a few days ago.
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Remus, cutting board and spatula poised over the bubbling pot over the stove, glanced up toward the ceiling as he heard a thump and a strangely tuned yell sound from upstairs.
Should I? He was thinking of going to check on whom ever it was that had made the noise, when another "FUCK!" was yelled. Not He finished scraping the veggies off into the pot, and carried the board over to the sink.
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Harry bit his tongue as he gripped his shoulder. He started to slide down the wooden door, but a very sharp prick to his backside caused him to shoot back up again.
"FUCK!" Harry grabbed his left butt cheek, where he could feel the tip of a small piece of wood lodged deep into his skin. Of all the fucking places to get a sliver
/Now what have we learned today/
That we need metal doors? Half twisted around to look at his ass, he prodded the space around the sliver, wincing every time he got to close to the tip.
/That's right, Lindsay Lohan IS evil/
Maybe it'll come out on its own he thought as he gingerly tried to squeeze it out, with feather light touches, and even that hurt.
/You're just afraid it will hurt/
Am not!
/Pussy/
Am not!
/Are to/
Am not!
/Prove it/
Fine then!
Harry limped back over to the cabinet, where he found a small nail clipper. He got onto his knees, reaching behind him with both hands: one hand found the sliver, and the other prepared with the clippers to tug it out.
/Ready/
I guess
/Hehehe ahem …1…2…/
3!
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
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"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" came the muffled yell through his door. Sirius jumped, sending the different eyeliners that he had been matching to his outfit flying across the floor.
That was Harry's yell!
/ No doubt about that. It almost sounded like the one from your dream last night /
Yeah… You think he's naked?
/God Sirius! Go see what the hell's wrong with the boy before you start having thoughts about his naked body! Geez/
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"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" came the sudden yell from overhead. Remus jumped, causing his spatula to flick upwards and splash his face and shirt with sauce.
"Son of a-" Remus muttered, grabbing a towel and wiping his face semi clean. He attempted to do the same with his shirt, which resulted in him smearing the sauce and making a bigger mess than he had started with. "Crap." He glared at the ceiling, flung the towel in the direction of the counter, and set off toward the stairs, the spatula that was still in his hand leaving a trail of sauce behind him.
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Sirius rushed out of his room right in time to see Remus marching up the stairs, sauce covered spatula in his right hand and pissed off expression on his face. They kept walking to meet at the door. Sirius took a second to get a good look at Remus: the sauce spots that were still all over his chin, the book-sized stain in the middle of his shirt.
"Miss your mouth much?" he asked.
Remus opened his mouth as if to say something undoubtedly witty, couldn't think of anything, and shut his mouth with a huff. "What the hell is he doing in there? " he asked to change the subject, putting his left hand on his hip. "He's disturbing the delicate stirring of my sauce."
Sirius gave one of his patented 'what-the-hell-are-you-talking-about' looks, complete with eye roll, then gave three knocks to the door. "Harry?"
"Ouch, crap, OUCH!" came the muffled sounds from behind the door. There was some shuffling, then the distinct sound of the lock being pushed into the door handle. "I'm, squeak, I'm fine!" There was a thump against the door. Sirius jumped back, Remus raised his eyebrow.
"What the hell just happened?"
"I dunno, I think he just passed out."
Remus breathed a sigh of impatience. He gave the middle of the door one forceful smack with the palm of his hand. There was the sound of bare flesh smacking heavily to the floor, along with an 'Oomph'.
"I think he may have been leaning against the door," Sirius pointed out. Remus ignored him.
"Potter!" he yelled. "What the hell are you doing in there?" Sirius pushed him out of the way.
"Are you alright Harry?" Remus pushed him back.
"My sauce is burning!" we wailed. Sirius stopped.
"What the hell is it with you and that damned sauce?"
Remus looked to the ground. "I want it to be perfect." He pouted.
Sirius muttered something along the lines of 'fucking psycho'. Remus glared and crossed his arms, smacking himself in the face with his saucy spatula.
"Harry?" Sirius knocked again, but softly, as though any loud banging might set him off again. "Are you alright kiddo?"
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"Are you alright kiddo?" Sirius asked.
Great. 'Kiddo'. He's kicked back into parental mode again.
/Well you do sound like your trying to kill yourself in here. All that screaming. Honestly, have you no consideration for the other people in this house/
Consi-. I'll kill YOU! All of that screaming was YOUR fault!
/Oh yeah, cause I put that clipper in your hand and made you jam it up your ass/
I didn't /jam/ it
Harry touched the ass in question, wincing uncontrollably as his fingers made contact with the broken flesh. It turned out that he hadn't had as good a grip on the sliver as he thought, which resulted in him ripping off quite a bit of flesh with the sharp steel edges of the clippers. He did manage to clip off the protruding edge of the sliver, but that now meant that there was an irretrievable piece of wood lodged deep into his backside, and there was no way for him to grab a hold of it to pull it out. Oh yeah, and he had a patch of skin missing from his left butt cheek.
/Oh I'm sorry, not jam. Create-a-second-hole. That's better/
I should have used tweezers.
/You should have let Sirius do it/
The thought of Sirius made his ass contract. Ouch!
/Weirdo/
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"Harry?" Sirius knocked again, but softly, as though any loud banging might set him off again. "Are you alright kiddo?"
There was a long pause. Sirius was just about to knock again when the door opened just enough for Harry to poke his head out. "Yes?"
"Um, are, are you alright?" Sirius asked again.
"Never better," Harry replied, wiping his sweaty bangs out of his face. Remus pursed his lips. Sirius looked confused.
"Then what was all the screaming about?"
"Scr-screaming? What-what screaming? I didn't hear any screaming." Harry stammered.
"The screaming that came from this bathroom not more than 10 minutes ago. What, was it sounding from my ass?" Remus asked.
Harry groaned. He stepped back and closed the door a little more when he saw Sirius come forward a little, a look of concern on his face. He quickly recovered himself.
"Oh! That screaming. Hehe. I was, um, practicing my singing! Hooome home on the raaaaannge. Where the-… /Ahem/." He quickly cut himself off at the looks on their faces.
"So, your not, dying." Sirius said slowly.
"Nope, dying free. In fact, I'm not dying so much, that I'm more alive than I've ever been in my entire life of being alive! Watch!" He attempted to demonstrate his point by jumping up and down. He did the first part quite well. It was the coming down part that was the problem. The pressure of him coming down on his injured buttocks made his knees buckle, which resulted in him falling straight backwards. You can imagine what happened after that.
"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"
Sirius jumped back, knocking Remus over, who grabbed on to Sirius' shirt and pulled him down with him. They landed in a tangled heap. "Get off of me!"
"No you get off of me!"
"Let go of my hair!"
"Get your elbow out of my side!"
"Those are my underwear!"
"…"
"…"
Sirius pushed himself up and brushed himself off while Remus rearranged his underpants. They turned back to the bathroom door, where they could hear the sounds of slight sobbing from the other side.
"Harry?" This time it was Remus. "Are you sure you're alright in there?"
A muffled 'yes' could be heard from somewhere near the floor.
"Your sure?"
"Yes."
"So it would be alright if I went back down stairs and finished my sauce?" He ignored the glare he was getting from Sirius.
"Yes."
"Good." Sirius pushed him out of the way.
"I'll be in my room. Shout if you need me alright?"
"Please don't." said Remus wearily. But Harry didn't seem like he was listening anymore.
Remus turned to Sirius. He folded his arms (the spatula was sticking out of his pocket), jutted his right knee, and looked at Sirius with his lips pursed. Sirius arched a brow.
"I'm mad at you." Remus declared.
Sirius stuck his hand in his pocket and pulled out the two eyeliner sticks he had been holding before he ran out of his room. He held them out in front of Remus.
"Red or blue?" He asked.
Remus rolled his eyes and started to head back towards the kitchen.
Sirius turned and started to walk back towards his room. Before he got there, a very loud yell from down stairs could be heard.
"FUCK-A-DUCK!" Remus had discovered the trails of sauce that his spatula had left from the kitchen to the bathroom.
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/What the hell was that/
Who cares? Sirius closed his door behind him.
Stupid Remus. 'My name is Remus Lupin, and I'm a big fat stupid Remus wolfie head.'
/That was such an amazing impression. I could have sworn he was right here in the room with us/ Sirius scowled. /You know, you really shouldn't make that face, it's not very attractive on you/
Sirius went to his vanity mirror and made the face again. I think it's fine
/You look constipated/
Sirius poked his bottom lip out, made it tremble, and made puppy-dog eyes.
/Now you look like your crying cause your constipated/
Sirius turned away from the mirror. "This is ridiculous."
/Yup/
"And a waste of time."
/Sure is/
"…What was I doing again?"
/Finishing your outfit so you can go down to dinner and woo Harry with your amazing memory/
"Oh…wait!"
/What/
"…Nothing…"
/That is, if Remus hasn't poisoned your dinner/
"Why would Remmy poison my dinner?"
/Cause he's mad at you/
"Oh yeah. But I didn't do anything."
/Of course not/
"…I'm so confused!"
/Its alright, just finish your outfit and then we can have a cookie, sound good/
"Alright." Sirius moped back to his bed. The clock on his night stand glowed 6:23 in big green numbers.
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A/N: I DON'T OWN LINDSAY LOHAN! I just have this thing against that song. Long story. Anyhow. Sorry for the long wait. I didn't realize it had been that long. I felt like making this a silly chapter. Plus it didn't tie in with chapter 6 too well. I was high on happy gas when I was writing the ending of this chapter, can you tell? Anyhow, R/R. Love ya! Kisses!