Title: The Seduction of Sirius Black
Summary: Harry needs advice. Topic? "How to go about telling some one just how crazy you are for them". He goes to Sirius, who doesn't know that his oh-so-expert advice is about to be used on him…
Pairings: Harry/Sirius, Remus/Sirius (past), Remus/OC
Disclaimer: characters aren't mine, just borrowing them for a bit. Never fear, I promise to bring them back safe, if not mildly corrupted. Hehehe….
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AUTHORS NOTE: I KNOW! It's been FOREVER! But I have an excuse……… Um, we'll get to that later. I'm going to hurry up and finish this story before I get lynched. This will most likely be the 3rd to last chapter. Hopefully, if every thing goes as planned. Which it never does.
Ch 6: Red Raspberries and Empty Ice-trays
Remus had just got done putting dinner in the warmer when he heard the doorbell ring. He glanced at the stove clock. 7:05. Right on time Remus thought as he took off his oven mitts and smoothed down his shirt. He was wearing a simple black button up top over a pair of loosely fitted dark blue jeans. His hair was pulled back in a low messy ponytail, and his face shined pink with that just-scrubbed cleanness that only a brillow pad could produce (1).
He had invited his friend Dave over for dinner. Partly because Remus secretly thought he was really cute, but mostly because he needed someone to share the tremendous joy and laughter that was sure to come with Sirius' elaborate scheme. Keeping something like that to your self was just plain selfish.
Only problem was, Sirius didn't much like Dave. Remus suspected it had something to do with to fact that he was crushing on Dave during the final rocky stages of his and Sirius' relationship, and that Sirius blamed him for their break-up for a long while afterwards. But Remus honestly thought Sirius had gotten over that. He sure had; it wasn't as if they still had more than friendly feelings for each other…But for all Remus knew, Sirius was just holding one of his weirdo grudges. Dave could cure cancer and Sirius would still hate him. On that note, Remus checked his reflection in the back of a spoon, aka: made kissy lips (2), smoothed his shirt down once more, and made his way to the door.
He stepped back, smiling, as he opened the door to a face full of Dave. His smile switched from one of greeting to one of lust as Dave smiled back. He had deep red curly hair that fell to about the bottoms of his ears, and a thin build similar to that of Sirius, but a little more muscular. His eyes were a hazel blend of green and light brown, and were slightly covered by the two curls that fell in front of his right eye, and the one that fell into his left. Remus noted that every time he tossed his head, the curls shook, but always fell back in to their original placing: two in front of his right eye, one in front of his left…
"Can I come in?" came Dave's deep baritone. Remus snapped out of his quite obvious trance.
"OH!" he cleared his throat. "Yes, of course." He took a step back wards.
"I brought you something," Dave held out a large sized box of assorted gourmet Honeydukes chocolate, tied with a red ribbon. "I remembered how much you liked chocolate," he went on as he stepped in. "I went out and bought it for you after you invited me over."
Remus nearly melted. "Your wonderful." He gushed. Then donned a look of horror when he realized what he had just said.
"Its only polite." Dave said. He held out the box of chocolate.
"Thank you," said Remus. He took the box from Dave's hand, and, at a loss for what to do with it, replaced it with the spoon and started back towards the kitchen.
Dave looked at the spoon, at Remus, then back at the spoon, shook his head, and followed him into the kitchen.
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"OUCH!" Sirius screamed. He was straightening his hair, when all of a sudden he found the top of his right ear trapped between the plates of the flat iron (3). He quickly dropped the iron, and jumped back before it landed on his toes. Leaning forward, he examined his ear in his vanity mirror.
/It looks like crisped bacon/
Shut up. It does not. It hurts like a mother though
/Like a what/
A mother
/What-? I'm not even going to ask. But you've got to admit it. Your ear looks like bacon/
It does not !
/It fried like bacon/
So? That doesn't mean I'm going to up and take a bite out of it
/Bacon ear/
Shut up
/So, how does it feel/
How does what feel?
/Having a ear that looks like bacon/
Fuck you
/I would, but I don't really trust the capability of your hands right now/
Sirius scowled into the mirror, but that made his ear throb even more. The burn was getting darker, and it burned even more when he ran his fingers across it.
"I need to get some ice for this," he said to himself. He tied his hair back, to prevent it from rubbing against his ear and irritating it more, and set off towards the kitchen.
He walked down the hall to the stairs, stopping to remove an enormous wedgie. The underwear that had come with the costume definitely answered the question Remus had asked him earlier: No, the costume was not the right size. But there was nothing Sirius could do about that; he didn't trust to use magic on an article of muggle clothing, and it was way to late to go back to the store and dig through the warehouse of costumes again. Besides, Sirius had a suspicion that Remus had hidden the car keys from him.
/Look at the bright side, the costume is definitely tight enough to show off your non-existent curves to Harry at dinner/
But Sirius ignored the Snape-like voice in his head. Now standing in the middle of the staircase, he could hear Remus talking to someone. A male. And it wasn't Harry.
I recognize that voice
/So go see who it is/
Sirius edged his way down the stairs, tiptoed through the living room, and stopped beside the opening that divided the living room from the kitchen, back flat against the wall, arms spread length wise on either side of him.(4)
/This feels like mission impossible. Do you hear the James Bond theme playing from somewhere/
Shhhhhhhhhhhh
Sirius rearranged his position, so that his stomach was pressed against the wall, and slowly poked his head around the doorway. Remus was bustling around collecting Items for tea, and was talking to a red headed guy that was sitting at the table. Bill? No, as he rotated his head around to crack his neck, Sirius saw that it definitely wasn't Bill. But he definitely looked familiar. What other non-weasely redhead did he know? Hmmm. Sirius stopped thinking to listen to their conversation.
"So you and Sirius bought this house together?" Dave was asking. He accepted his tea with a 'thank you' as Remus Sat across from him with his own cup.
"Yeah. Along with his, well, our godson Harry. There both upstairs somewhere." He took a careful sip of his still hot tea.
"Are you back together?" the red headed stranger asked. He also took a sip of his tea.
How does he know about that? Sirius wondered. Did he go to school with us? He frowned. This guy's identity was on the tip of his tongue, but he just couldn't place it.
"No, we're just really good friends. He has his own, um, love interests." Remus smirked, and Sirius resisted the urge to stick his tongue out at him, even though he knew Rem wouldn't see him.
"So you're single then." The stranger sounded interested.
"Yeah," and Remus looked it. "Are you?"
"Yup." They both smiled.
Sirius had the feeling that he shouldn't be listening to this. But the need to find out just whom this man was over took the urge to go back upstairs. And a sudden sharp pain from his ear reminded him that he still needed to get his ice.
"So what have you been up to since school," Remus asked. So he had gone to school with them.
"Well, I opened up my own robe shop in central Romania. Business is pretty good, so I travel a lot. "
"Oh Dave, that is so wonderful. We'll have to come visit your store sometime. Sirius could do with some knew robes."
Sirius scowled from his now squatted position on the floor. Then something clicked. Dave…Dave…DAVE! Dave McIntosh. That big shot goody goody that stole Remus away from me in 7th year!
/Oh please. You guys were already half broken up/
So? That didn't mean that he was fair game for anyone who wanted him
/Um…didn't it/
Of course not. I didn't even know they were still in touch. Figures, that Dave always was a playboy. He probably only wants to get in Remus' pants
/Gee. Sounds a lot like some one I used to know/
Really? Who?
/…Never mind/
Whatever. I want him out of this house!
/Why/
Because I don't like him
/Why/
'Cause I just don't
/So you hate him for 'stealing' away Remus, who you weren't even going out with anymore at the time. And now that I think of it, they never even went out. So basically you just hate him just to hate him and you're using Remus as an excuse/
Basically
/I love how you realize how dumb you're being, yet your still not doing anything to change it/
Why should it? I have a right not to like people
/Not when you don't have a reason not to like them/
Who made up that rule?
/It's in the big unwritten book of unwritten rules. You've never read it/
No
/Figures. Anyway, just don't go doing anything stupid. He's never done anything to you/
But Sirius was already on his feet. He smoothed down his tank top and rearranged his pajama bottoms, once more pulling his costume-panties out of his ass, and tiptoed into the kitchen.
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"Yeah, Sirius' robes are absolutely atrocious. I've been trying to get him to get new ones for ages." Remus was saying, when something behind Dave caught his eye. Sirius was carefully walking up to Dave, looking as though he was about to haul him up by the scruff of the neck and haul him out. Remus groaned.
Son-of-a-bitch. No. No no NO. Sirius, so help me god if you run this beautiful boy out of here I will have to kill you Remus thought as Sirius got even closer. Sirius seemed to since his thoughts, because he stopped in his tracks and looked up at Remus. Remus made a dismissing gesture with his hands as if to say 'Get the hell out'. Sirius looked offended.
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How dare he? Sirius thought. He pointed angrily at the oblivious Dave, who was stirring his tea with his spoon, as if to say 'What the hell is he doing here?'
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Remus seemed to have understood his meaning. How dare he? Remus thought. This is my house to! I shouldn't have to screen my company just cause he has his panties up his ass! He folded his arms and sat back in his chair as if to say 'I'm not going anywhere, and neither is he'.
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Sirius opened his mouth, out raged. This was his house to! He shouldn't have to be exposed to obnoxious people just because Remus had some silly crush! Man, my panties are really going up my ass he thought.
/Prolly wouldn't be a good idea to pick them out just now/
Yeah, prolly not
He pointed his finger at Dave, then in the direction of the front door, and then back at Dave as if to say 'I want him out of here!'
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Remus rolled his eyes, and then flicked Sirius off as if to say, well, the obvious.(5) Remus glanced back at a surprised Dave, who had looked up just as Remus stuck up his finger.
Remus searched for a quick recovery. "Um, like my nail polish?" he asked sweetly. Dave turned around to find Sirius' finger pointed in his face.
"Um, hey Sirius." He said. "Didn't hear you come in."
Sirius glowered at him. "You stay out of this, boyfriend napper." He snapped.
"Oh for the love of-" Remus started, standing up, but Dave beat him to it, donning a look of dawning understanding.
"Sirius. I would like to put this entire thing behind us. Start over. I'm willing to be sorry for what ever it is that I may have done, if you'd be willing to forgive me." He stuck out his hand.
Sirius lowered his accusatory finger. /Now you really have no reason not to like him/
Shut up. How do I know I can really trust him?
/Um, maybe because he never did anything to lower your trust in him in the first place/
Didn't I say shut up?
Sirius took his hand. "Fine, but I'll be watching you."
There's no way I'm letting him get his grubby little paws on Harry
And with that, Sirius dropped his hand and walked over to the freezer to take out the tray of ice. He got a plastic baggie, cracked the ice tray, poured the entire contents of the tray onto the baggie, and then tied it up. He then carried the empty ice tray back across the kitchen, and placed it back into the freezer.(6)
Remus watched him. "Aren't you going to fill the tray back up?"
"No"
"And why not?"
"Because I know you're going to do it."
"And what makes you think that?"
"Because you always do." Sirius wrapped a towel around his bag of ice and put it to his ear. Both Remus and Dave gave him a 'what the hell' look, but neither of them said anything.
"And what if I decide than I'm not going to do it this time?"
"You will when you want some ice."
"And what if you want some before I do?"
Sirius shook his bag. "I already have some."
Remus made a face. "That's gross."
"What? At least I don't have to make anymore ice. I'll share with you if you want."
"I'd rather make my own than drink from your eary ice bag, thanks." He got up to get the empty tray from the freezer, and brought it to the sink.
"Told you he'd end up doing it." Sirius said to Dave as he passed him on his way to the stairs.
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Harry was in the bathroom closest to his room. He was reading the back of a box of hair dye.
Luscious raspberries:
Guaranteed to give your hair the colour and shine of ripe red raspberries, or else we'd imagine you'd be very pissed off!
If you have is blonde to light brown hair- leave on for 25-30 min
If you have dark brown to black hair- leave on for 30-45 min
(Timing may vary depending on the length and thickness of hair)
Harry had bought this on his shopping trip with Draco. He remembered Sirius muttering something about 'sexy redheads having his babies' when they were watching Bill try on a pair on jeans in a muggle department store, but he didn't think Sirius had meant for him to hear that. He'd never mentioned it, just in case. But either way, Draco said that red hair would look very good with the outfit that they had bought. The one that Harry still wasn't exactly sure he wanted to wear.
IIIFlash back to the hot-topic dressing roomIII
"Draco, I really don't think I want to wear these." Harry wined in complaint to the faux leather hip-huggers he had on. He twisted around so that he could see his ass in the mirror.
"What's wrong with them?" Draco asked. "They look fine to me."
"There way too low cut." Harry said. "I can't bend over with out a good 4 inches of the crack of my ass showing."
A store assistant was checking the dressing stalls for left behind articles of clothing. He stopped at Harry's cubicle just as he was finishing his sentence. "I don't see no problem with that honey." He said with in a very flamboyant accent. "More power to you." He snapped his fingers twice and resumed the checking of the stalls.
Harry, appalled, pulled Draco into the stall and yanked the door shut. "What?" Draco said.
"What the hell is the matter with you? I didn't realize the door was open."
"You didn't feel that breeze run down the crack of your ass?" Draco smirked.
"I hate you."
"No you don't." Draco looked over at the wall, and pulled down from the hanger a g-string that was stretched as if it had been tried on by a person twice its size. "Here," he said, holding it out to Harry. "If you're so worried about a little crack action, wear this under your pants. I bet Sirius would like it"
"Even if that wasn't totally disgusting, I don't think I have room for anything else under these tight ass pants."
There was a knock at the door. "Don't ch'all be getting busy up in there, 'cause I got to clean that up when 'yall get out." Said the flamboyant man.
"Lets get the hell out of here." Harry said. He quickly changed into his own pants, grabbed Draco (who gave the man an innocent smile as they rushed past him), and hurried to the register.
"And I'm driving." Harry said as they walked out of the store.
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Harry hadn't found any other suitable under wear that would work under the pants, so he had opted to go commando. He would just have to super glue the sides of the pants to his waist. Giving his attention back to the box in his hand, he started to feel the nervous squirm in his stomach again. He had followed the directions for applying the dye to his hair, and had covered it with a plastic bag. That had been a little more than 2 hours ago. He had taken a little nap to take his mind off of the still searing pain of the wound on his ass, and had awoken only when he felt an incessant burning in his scalp. He remembered the dye when he touched his head and felt the crinkle of the plastic bag, and had run to the bathroom to consult the box. That had been 5 mins ago.
/You idiot. How could you fall asleep with out setting your alarm clock/
I forgot! Harry moaned aloud. He brought himself to his bathtub, pulled down the showerhead, and kneeled on the ground, fiddling with the tap until the water warmed.
"It won't he that bad Harry. I promise. It won't…I hope." He pulled the shower plug and watched the water spray down the drain for a moment, steadying his breath, before he reached up and pulled off the plastic bag. A smell like burnt rubber and ashes immediately filled the air, and Harry stifled another groan as he bent over the tub and brought the stream of water to his head.
He kept his eyes tightly closed the entire time, washing the dye out of his hair, shampooing several times before the smell seemed to wash down the drain with the water. He groped blindly for the taps to shut the water off, and grabbed a towel from the rack, wiping his face before he tied the towel turban style around his head. As he stood up, he noticed several large lumps of what looked like stringy sud-covered spaghetti in the tub. He put on his glasses and realized with several skips of his heartbeat that that sud-covered spaghetti was his hair . He brought his hands to his turban with a look of horror on his face.
It didn't, it couldn't have, it wouldn't have…
Slowly, he pulled the turban-towel from his hair, and screamed bloody murder.
/It did/
He fainted.
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"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" THUMP was heard from upstairs. Dave started and looked at the ceiling. He made a move to get up, but Remus placed his hand on top of Dave's to stop him.
"Don't bother." He said to Dave's very confused look. "Can I get you some more tea?"
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He woke up about 3 mins later. His ass cheek felt as if it had split open again, but he ignored it as he jumped up to look in the mirror. He put a trembling hand to what was left of his hair. It had come out in patches, and had broken off in places, and to make it all worse, the lovely shade of red raspberry it was supposed to be had over developed in to a horrid shade of crap-green.
"This cant be happening to me." Harry mumbled. "I have to be at dinner in," he looked at the clock. "35 minutes. My hair is supposed to be red. RED!" He turned towards the mirror and glared at his awful reflection. "Red!" He pointed his finger at his head. "Turn red!" Another patch felt out into the sink. He growled. "What am I going to do?"
/You could go to Mexico/
It was then he began to feel the pain in his ass from falling on it for the 10th time that day. He put the palm of his hand to it and winced. "I need to get some ice for this."
/No, you need to get a wig/
Harry covered his head with another bag, and walked down the stairs, careful not to jar his ass cheek, but he ended up doing it anyway. By the time he got down the stairs, his ass hurt so much he was limping. He held it with both hands as he limped awkwardly past the table where Remus and Dave sat with out even noticing them.
When he got to the freezer, he pulled it open with his left hand (his right still firmly attached to his cheek). He attempted to lift the ice tray, but found that he had trouble getting it out. When Remus refilled the tray and put it back on the freezer shelf, some of the water had sloshed over the sides, freezing the bottom of the tray to the shelf. Well of course Harry didn't know this, and, thinking that the tray was just being stubborn, took hold of the tray with both hands and pulled hard. The task of yanking the tray up was accomplished; the only problem was that a section of the freezer shelf had remained frozen to the bottom of the tray: A box of frozen peas had come flying out of the freezer and burst open against a wall, a turkey had fallen to the floor and was now rolling its way down the hall, and Harry was now completely drenched with the not quite frozen contents of the ice tray. He burst into tears.
"You are so paying for those peas." Remus said, drawing Harry's attention to them for the first time. The fact that someone had just witnessed that amazing display of stupidity made Harry sob even harder. He threw down the ice tray/broken freezer part and ran out of the kitchen.
Dave watched a pea roll across the floor, then turned to Remus. "Your family is weird as hell."
"I know," Remus took a sip of his tea. "That's why I'm moving in with you."
Dave, if possible, looked even more confused.
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20 mins later, Sirius had finished his hair, makeup, and costume (which proved to be even tighter than the underwear).
There. It doesn't look that bad Sirius thought. He lifted his leg and pulled his underwear down again.
/You can not do that all night/
I wont be able to. I'll be sitting down
/I'm sure you'll find a way/
Ready to go?
/Are you sure you want to do this/
Why? Don't you think I look good?
/……Go down stairs/
But-
/Just, go/
Humph
Sirius turned out his light and waddled down stairs. When he got to the kitchen, he struck a pose (right arm up, left arm down, legs spread). "How do I look, gentlemen?"
Dave spat his tea clear across the room.
Remus put his hands to his mouth. "Oh…Dear god."
Sirius looked around. "Hey, why are there peas all over the floor?"
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/There's nothing more you can do/
I can't go down stairs like this
/Then don't/
But if I don't, they'll come looking for me
/Then go downstairs/
Lot of help you are
/Look, just go. I'm sure Sirius has a thing for half bald men with huge asses/
My ass isn't huge
/It's too huge for those pants/
Draco said they were supposed to fit like this
/Draco lied to you/
Shut up. All right. I'm just going to go. Maybe they won't notice?
/Oh, of course not/
Of course not
/'All I want for Christmas is my hair to grow back, my hair to grow back, my hair to grow back. All I want for Christmas is-/
SHUT UP!
Harry shut off the light to the bathroom and went down stairs. He could feel his pants sliding down already. He stopped before he went into the kitchen.
"Come on Harry, you can do this. Just don't mention it, and they wont notice it." He took a deep breath, and walked in.
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Cliffie! Hehehehehe. Sorry once again for the long wait. The next chapter wont take so long, I promise this time. Alright, notes from the story:
1) Has anyone ever scrubbed their face with a brillow pad? It makes your face very smooth, albeit as raw and red as hell.
2) Don't tell me you've never done this. EVERYONE has done this, be it in the back of a spoon or a toaster or your dads shinny head (if he's bald).
3) I did that this week. Hurt like hell. Didn't look like bacon though.
4) I do this all the time when my friends and me are running from security guards in our schools hallway. I sing my own theme song though.
5) Just incase you don't know, to flip someone off means to give them the middle finger. And if you didn't know that, hopefully you get the joke now.
6) I do this all the time. Drives my parents nuts. Kinda funny.
So, there, chapter 6. I should have some new one-shots out before the next chapter of this story. Only two chapters left! Hope you enjoyed:)