The Best Laid Plans of Mary Sues

by Anam Cliste

When Mary Sues invade Middle Earth, Canon Characters have to fight to save their friends from the horrifying weapons of Mary Sues.

The Best Laid Plans of Mary Sues
DISCLAMER- I own nothing except (shudder) the Sues. You can have the
Sues for mangling purposes but ask nicely first. Then you can mangle
them to your heart's desire. Thank you.

Chapter 1- The Most Dastardly Plan

In the great space of the imagination of all fanfic authors, there was
a great plot hole labeled "Rejected Mary Sues". Inside this plot hole
down a long corridor to the right was a meeting room. Mary Sues were
entering the room in hordes. There were hobbits, elves, women, and
other species of Middle Earth. All stunningly beautiful and all filled
to the brim with the dreaded hormones of … love.

The wide overdramatic doors opened into a large room that resembled a
meeting room in some respects. Tables were in the front with a large
stage and a podium and projector screen dominating the middle. On the
wall were doors with certain signs on them such as "Legolas Shrine"
"Hobbits Shrine", "Destroy Luster Relationship Target Area" and one
oddly named "Restricted Lab". Sues now were taking their seats at the
tables divided by luster affiliation. Sues were eyeing each other.
Alliances were made but they were never friendships. Backstabbing was
common. Then the lights dimmed and one lone light shone on center of
the stage.

A tall woman stepped into the light from the wings of the stage
curtains. She had long wavy golden hair past her waist; deep blue-green
eyes, flawless skin, tight, tailored clothes of silver and gold
material and an Elven cloak graced her fair shoulders. Rings,
necklaces, and bracelets of all shades and colors glinted in the light.
She was… Laurewen, Golden-maid. She began to speak into the mic, her
voice golden and clear.

"Well, we are all here at this meeting to talk about our favorite
subject, our lust objects." The Sues cheered but died down when she
started up again. "We need a plan and with my superior intelligence, I
have devised plan." The projector screen began to come down but it came
down too fast and there was a hollow thonk on Laurewen's perfect head.
She fell but then quickly caught herself. She stood up, not a hair out
of place.

"I'm fine, I'm fine," she said looking flustered, "On with the
presentation!"

Dramatic music started and then slowly died. The projector screen now
read- The New And Improved Luster Grabbing Plan! Laurewen snapped her
fingers and a remote appeared in her hands. Uncanonical magic was
common. The next slide appeared.

"Well, the basic of the plan is to kidnap those canon characters that
stand in our way."

The Sues looked at each other in delight. Real targets for the Destroy
Luster Relationship Target Area! Perfect smiles smirked evilly.

Laurewen continued and another slide with the title of Legolas and
Aragorn. "For Legolas we are going to kidnap Gimli. While they are
really not…together, he is the lone obstacle to kidnap Legolas. Any
question?"

One Sue stood up, flipped her long silver hair, and asked, " How are we
going to get him?"

Laurewen smiled. "Leave that to me. Any other questions?" No one
volunteered so she continued. " Next we have Aragorn. We shall be
kidnapping Arwen for this part of the plan as she is supposed to be
marrying him."

She clicked the remote and a new screen appeared. At the top it said
The Hobbits.

"The hobbits will be interesting because they involve the most
difficult character to kidnap, Gandalf." The picture of Gandalf
filtered in. "He protects Frodo in some senses and he needs to be out
of the way. Then we need to capture Rosie for Sam, Diamond for Pippin
and Estella for Merry. Any questions on the hobbits?"

One girl stood up and simpered, "Why will it be so difficult to kidnap
Gandalf?"

Laurewen looked at the ceiling as if searching for inspiration there.
"Because he can see through our disguises for what we are. We will need
extra careful planning for Gandalf."
Another click of the remote had the next page, Faramir and Eomer.

"Eowyn is the last obstacle to Faramir and Eomer. She is Faramir's wife
and Eomer's brother so she can be disapproving and extremely defensive.
She will also be difficult because she will put resistance to any type
of capture." There the slide show ended and the lights flickered on.
"Any final questions?" Laurewen turned to face the group.

Hands went up. Laurewen pointed to one. "What about Boromir?"

Laurewen looked pleased with the good question. "Since he has no
obstacle besides his father Deno…whatever and when plan to use our
updated technology to nab him after he is away from his father and
before he dies."

The Sue looked pleased and sat down. Another voiced her question. "Are
we all going to Middle Earth to kidnap them or are just some of us
going?"

"There will a Fellowship of Nine of us to kidnap the lust object
obstacles. There is a list posted but to avoid stampedes and even worse
makeup or hair being messed up," Laurewen shuddered, "I will read out
the list. When you name is called go towards the Lab. I'll fill you in
there."

The Sues looked at each other. Only nine were to be picked. Laurewen
had no favorites and it could be anyone.

Laurewen produced a list and began to read of names. "For the capture
of Arwen and the one that will win Aragorn is Luthien." The girl smiled
broadly and headed towards the lab while other sighed and sobbed.
Laurewen waited until the crying and sighing died down and began again.

"For the hobbits Frodo will be taken care of by Vanyia, Pippen by Lily,
and Merry by Amethyst and Sam by Crystal." All were hobbits except Vanyia
who was part elf. The four girls stood up and headed towards the lab.

"Boromir is assigned to Simone, Eomer by Rohiwen and Faramir by Kylia." The two stood up
and walked towards the lab. They had the distinction of being the only
twin pair of Sues at the gathering. There were murmurs from the crowd.
That only made eight! Who was the ninth girl to be chosen?

It dawned on them that the only luster affiliation that had not been
chosen was Legolas! The Lego lusters began to chatter excitedly. They
might be chosen. Laurewen began again and the noise died down.

"There is one more that will go. The Sue that has the honor of Legolas
shall be… me!" Her face was now glowing while others looked shell
shocked. "This ends the meeting. See ya'll." She walked gracefully
towards the lab while the dejected Sues walked back to their Luster
shrines to grieve.

Meanwhile in the lab the eight other girls were waiting rather
impatiently when Laurewen swept in. The lab was not brightly light so
she flicked the switch and light flooded into the lab. It was a largish
room with two computers sitting in the corner. A large, often-inaccurate
Sue map dominated the room with little pinpricks of red light
illuminating where the Lust objects where and black for the obstacles.
There was a stainless steel with beakers of liquid labeled- Seduction
Perfume and Fearless Cologne. No Mary Sue was complete without her army
of perfumes. On the last wall was a glass door with silvery light
coming from it; there were nine bulging packs next to the door.

"Well you heard the basics of the plan but I'll fill you in further.
But first we need Maria." Laurewen frowned at the last word.

Maria was a sad story to the Mary Sues. She had once been a beautiful
girl named Arwena with a willowy frame, long golden hair, and stunningly crystal blue eyes. She could have seduced all of Middle Earth to fall in love with her and
her beauty, her charms, and her talents. But one day she read the Great
Evil, the words of that old guy Tolkien. She realized the error of her
ways and she turned into a normal, Tolkien loving girl. Because of this
she also gained wisdom and changed her name back to Maria. But before she could spread her wisdom to all, Laurewen had had her imprisoned and her wisdom used for wickedness. She could have expelled her for her old ways but she was her twin sister
and one cannot banish your sister.

She rebelled but constant slapping beatings, and other abuse made her
what she was. She was a normal, intelligent girl surrounded by almost
impossible beauty and uncanonical people. Now she was the girl that
helped the Sues do their wickedness. What could she do? She was broken
physically and emotionally.

Laurewen went to a closet door in the far corner of the lab, inserted
the key, and opened it. Inside the closet was a bed and a bookshelf
wedged inside. A girl was curled up on the bed, reading The Return of
the King. All the Sues averted their eyes. The girl looked up as the
light came through; she had developed the ability to read in the dark.
Her lip curled.

"What do you what sister?" The last word was almost spat at Laurewen. There
was a crack as Laurewen slapped her hard on her cheek.

"You will respect me!" Laurewen hissed malevolently at her sister. "Get
over to the map and explain the plan!" Maria went begrudgingly over to
the map and pushed a security code and submitted two ID scans. The map
came into focus.

"We have positions on all your lust objects," The Sues completely
missed the sarcasm in the girl's voice. "I can set the portal to the
appropriate time and places. You can go when you are ready." She turned
to Laurewen. "I suppose you told them where they are going?"

Laurewen shook her head. "I'll do so now. Set the portal for Boromir, Eomer,
and Faramir first."

Maria turned to the door. There was a panel on the side and she set the
position accordingly. Laurewen turned to Simone, Rohiwen, and Kylia.

"Well this is it. Simone you will be accompanying Kylia and Rohiwen to Rohan to
kidnap Eowyn. She will put up a resistance so take her at night. You don't have to worry about that weirdo Denothore or whatever his name is." She
hugged each one in turn and then stepped back from the doorway. The
girls stepped into the doorway and a window yawned open. Through it you
could see the fertile lands of Rohan. They smiled beautifully and disappeared.

Laurewen began the same process with the hobbits. All would going to
the Shire to seduce the hobbits. "My sisters, be careful and good luck! Capture the hobbits first and then concentrate all of your power on Gandalf. " She turned around and walked over to one of the closets on the wall. She pulled out a clear staff with pink rays coming from it; she gave it to Vanyia. "Use this if you need it. It is the all powerful Sue Power Staff v. 9.0. It will help you.

Last but not least she set the portal for Luthien and herself. "Luthien, wait. I have to bind Maria."

Maria struggled and clawed at her sister's face. Luthien jumped into the fray she was overpowered. They were able to bind her with Knot-Less Rope and then pushed her into her closet. Maria spat at her sister one last time.

"You're evil!" Laurewen came close to her with a suddenly appearing club in her hands. "No, I'm perfect." Then the club descended on Maria and she was out cold.

"Well that takes care of that!" said Laurewen, dusting herself off. "Come, Luthien!" Once again they were swallowed up by the portal. But Laurewen was wrong. Maria had been plotting to escape and now was her chance.

Inside the closet, Maria fumbled around for the sharpened edge of the bed's frame. Was it there? No, there! She found it and now began the long process of sawing away at the ropes. After many rope burns, scrapes, and a bruise here and there, Maria was free. Now came the process of jimmying the lock; she had gotten a hairpin from the confrontation with Laurewen. Finally the lock came open. Maria went to the map to see what had happened in Middle Earth. She just hoped she wasn't too late….

A/N- Cliffhanger, hanging from a cliff! I'm working on Chapter 2 so bear with me. And I apologized in advance for any mistakes.

A/N- I also would like to that Feana Puddlefoot for her AMAZING Mary Sue Guide! It's great!