LOST
A parody
(This is like, the finale episode, set up in play format)
Jackruns out of the jungle and approaches Kate, who is on the beach.
JACK: Kate, I have some bad news.
Kate ignores him, she is too busy playing with her toy plane.
JACK: Kate, listen! The others are here, and they are going to make us sacrifice some of our people! The problem is our guns have run out of bullets. Who are we going to sacrifice?
KATE: Oh my God! We can't let them destroy us! Wait- who are the others?
Jack shrugs.
JACK: Our writers still haven't figured that out yet. They better hurry though, all the ratings are getting lower!
KATE: Yeah. But who are we going to sacrifice to them?
JACK: I was thinking about all the 60 people on the island that no one focuses on. You know; the ugly people. We could sacrifice them and be happy until Michael and Jin and Sawyer get help.
KATE: Alright! So if we sacrifice them, we will live! That's a great idea.
JACK: Of course it is, I mean, I thought of it. Besides, I am a doctor, I know everything!
Jack runs back into the jungle, where he finds Locke.
JACK: I have good news!
LOCKE: What? Did you just save a bunch of money by switching to Geico?
JACK: No! Since I am somehow the leader of our group, I have decided we will sacrifice all the ugly people with no future to the others.
LOCKE: Good plan. Besides, they are wasting all our food and water. And no one really cares about him.
JACK: Exactly!
LOCKE: Yeah…well, I have to go look at that weird vault thing. And, you know, throw knives at trees. Bye!
Meanwhile, on the raft…
WALT: Hey, dad, you realize we are going to die on this thing?
MICHAEL: What? What are you talking about?
WALT: I don't want to go back home, because I have no friends. I will use my powers, which, if you after figured out, made the dinosaur and polar bear, to sink us.
SAWYER: Wait, let me have a drink first and say some really perv-like comment.
JIN: (In his language) But I must see my wife! She might be having an affair and I would not know! W e must live! LIVE!
MICHAEL: Jin, calm down. You really screwed up the little captions at the bottom of the screen.
WALT: Time to sink.
SAWYER: AMEN!
Raft suddenly bursts in to flames and they sink.
Back to our cozy little monster inhabited island.
SAIID: (Talking to Shannon) And so, when you turn on the transmitter-oh, no one really cares.
SHANNON: I miss Boone! And-and-I haven't had any make-up on for weeks. My life is so awful! (Sobs and hug's Walt's dog)
Daniella comes walking up to Saiid with a gun.
SAYID: Daniella, what are you doing?
DANIELLA: The others are coming!
SAYID: Shut up, no one listens to you. I think you are either crazy, drunk from Sawyer's alcohol, or high on Charlie's drugs.
DANIELLA: The others, death, diseases, voices… (blah blah blah) I will now kill myself.
POW!
SAIYD AND SHANNON: HURRAY!
Charlie and Claire and the baby are sitting on the beach, when they hear a roar.
BOTH: Oh, no, it's a tyrannosaurus rex!
Barney pops out of a bush, roaring. His eyes are all weird.
CLAIRE: Oh my God! RUN!
CHARLIE: Bloody hell, it's bloody Barney on bloody drugs.
BARNEY: Do not be afraid! All I want to do is teach your baby about imagination! And maybe sing a song!
BOTH: HELP!
Locke runs out of the forest and throws a dagger at Barney's head.
BARNEY: CURSE YOU! I will haunt you all with the power of imagination!(Dies)
LOCKE: You are safe now. Did you two ever realize my name is John Locke, after the colonial guy who had idea about the government? Wow, our writers are really screwed up, I mean, no one would name their kid John Locke!
The two stare at him, and then begin to sing, Charlie playing his guitar.
BOTH: Once a jolly swagman camped by a billabong, Under the shade of a Coolabah tree, And he sang as he sat as he watched and waited till his billy boiled, Who'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me?
Scene shifts…
JACK: (Is handing the ugly to people over to the others, which are in some shadows.) Muwahahahahaha! No one carea bout you people! You are all failures! FAILURES I SAY!
ONE OF THE UGLIES: (Is walking into the shadows): DAMN YOU JACK BOWER!
HURLEY: Wrong show dude.
OOTU: Oh. Well. Uhhh…(Polar comes and eats him)
JACK: Ha, you people will be killed!
Scene shifts, yet again.
LOCKE (At the vault thing) Island, why are you not telling me what this is!
Lightning strikes, hits a tree that falls on the vault. Turns out the "vault" is a bomb.
KA-BOOM!
Everyone dies, except for the others, who are sitting in the shadows. Big surprise: the others are people who are on Survivor! HURRAY!
BOSTON ROB: Ambah, this is great. We can sell all these people and buy a new cah!
AMBER: Yeah!
JEFF: Shouldn't you two be on the Amazing Race?
The two frown, and then run off.
JEFF: And now, I shall rule the world, using my Super Jeff Awesome Super Jet Robot Super Jet! (Gets in the SJASJRJ and flies away)
The end… or is it? Well, hope you liked this; it took no effort to make. But seriously, I have nothing against the writers at all; I just wish they'd reveal more. And uh, I do watch LOST every Wednesday, and Survivor, and the Amazing Race. And no, I do not like the Waltzing Matilda song. Oh, and what about the ugly people? Well, as said by everyone in my "episode", no one cares. OH, AND I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS FROM LOST!