12:00 am midnight, 15th April 1912
After an inspection of the damage done to the ship, Captain Smith and Thomas Andrews returned to the small room next to the lookout area. Standing behind them was First Officer Murdoch, and Bruce J. Ismay. Andrews bent down over his scientific plan of the ship, opening it quickly, sweat dappled over his face.
"The pumps will buy us time, but minutes only. From this moment, no matter what we do, Titanic will founder..." Mr Andrews spoke quickly and falteringly. Bruce Ismay looked at him in horror.
"But she can't sink!"
Mr Andrews shot a bleary look at Ismay.
"She is made of iron, sir. I assure you, she can. And she will. It's a mathematical certainty..."
It was a staggering piece of information to take in for everybody in that room. That was it, their fates were decided. Of course, what none of them realised was that there was a small head of golden hair situated just outside the open door.
"W-w- well how long will she take to-" Thomas Andrews looked up at Captain Smith tearily.
"An hour, two at the outside."
With a glazed look in her eyes, Lily Shaw made her way giddily back to room 18A.
"Joan?" A small voice sounded from Lily's direction. She sat on the bed stiffly, even more perched than usual, like a caricature of herself. She stared straight a head and every so often would bend back her thumbs rhythmically.
"Yes dear?"
"She's going to sink."
Joan gulped.
"Don't talk nonsense, girl." Lily looked angrily at Joan.
"It's not nonsense, Miss Federick! I heard what Andrews said. In two hours time, all this, it will all be at the bottom of the Atlantic ocean."
"Now listen to me, child. You know what you need? You need to calm down. If she's going to sink, they'll need everyone to stay as calm as possible, and then they'll start to evacuate us all."
Lily let out a loud, tearful, strangled moan.
"Look, this is what I mean. Rose DeWitt Bukater spoke to Mr Andrews. There aren't enough BOATS!"
"What on earth do you mean, girl?"
Lily moaned again, a little more quietly this time.
"There are 2,200 people on board. There are enough lifeboats to seat 1000. That's less than half, Joan..."
Joan closed her eyes.
"That can't be right!"
"Urgh, for fuck's sake, it is!" Joan whirled round.
"Don't DARE speak like that ever again, Lily! Do you hear?" Lily nodded, salty streams tracking down her cheeks.
"So, so what will happen then? If not everyone can get off?"
Joan shook her head.
"Children first, I should imagine. But I just- I just don't know..."
"We need to evacuate the ship, sir." Murdoch said quietly. The Captain nodded vacantly. Murdoch spoke again with more urgency.
" Women and children first, I think, sir?" Captain Smith nodded again.
"Aye," he voiced, "women and children."
By this time, stewards and the like had been sent to every room, telling people that on Captain's orders, they must put on warm clothes and lifejackets and report outside. With a deep sigh, Lily pulled on the monstrously heavy white object and left the room, Joan hot on her heels.
"Here we go..." Lily said in a quiet, mocking, sing-song voice. Simon, a sweet young boy of 13 Lily had met earlier, approached her.
"Hey, what's going on?"
Lily smiled unconvincingly.
"Oooh, nothing much. Just a drill I expect." A rounded woman who had befriended Lady Astor flounced out of her room.
"A drill! In which case, I find it ridiculous for them to drag us out on this wintry night like this!" Lily almost screamed at their understandable, yet to her, infuriating, ignorance. She saw Rose, Cal and Ruth come out of their various rooms. Rose looked tense and weepy, and she had a red handprint on her cheek. It was evident from Cal's face where she had got it from. Lily's temper was bubbling over."
"Come along folks!" called Molly Brown, "We'd better get out there, see what they want!" ...
Hundreds of people were out on the deck. Some huddled together, to keep themselves warm, others were more brash and starting questioning the officers. Molly Brown was one of them. She cornered Fifth Officer Lowe.
"Hey, c'mon sonny, you can't not tell us what you've dragged us out here like this for? What is it, huh?" Lowe went red and looked pleadingly at Murdoch, but he was too busy yelling at people. Lowe cleared his throat.
"We're, um, we are preparing the lifeboats, ma'am, if you'll just be patient for a second-"
Molly Brown obviously did not like this answer.
"Hey hey hey hey hey! What did you say? Why on earth do we need lifeboats?"
At this point, Lily's simmering temper could not hold.
"Oh for God's sake, Molly, use your head! Why d'you think we need lifeboats, for a tea-party?" Molly went red. She liked Lily and was sorry immediately to have been so rash.
"Honey, I'm sorry." Now it was Lily's turn to go red. She smiled politely and moved closer to Joan, a little further bag. She was starting to feel a little queasy.
"Right!" bellowed Murdoch, "Women and children, women and children!" Officer Lightoller indicated towards the first class folk. Lily wasn't sure why, but for some reason, she couldn't look, she just couldn't look anywhere near what was happening. Perhaps the lowering of the boats was just the final punch of reality in her heart. She backed a little into the madding crowd, away from her people. Mr Murdoch was ushering Molly Brown towards the boat.
"You must get in, ma'am." Molly did not like this, either.
"Excuse me? What about, oh, I don't know, what's going to happen to everybody else? Huh? I wanna know what's actually going ON before I sail away!"
"Just get in the BLOODY boat, woman!" Emotions were clearly running high.
"Hold up a sec! You just watch your mouth there, officer boy!" She saw Murdoch's menacing look.
"All right, sorry honey, I'm going. I'm just worried, that's all." She clumped heavily into the boat, soon followed by Ruth, and several other first class people, including two small girls in immaculate brocade dresses. Lily was quite far from the boat, but she could clearly see Joan stepping in. It was obvious she thought Lily was behind her. The boat was soon lowered, jauntily. There were screams and shouts. When the boat was halfway down, Lily heard a shout.
"Oh my Lord! Lily? LILY!" It was Joan. Lily's conscience was killing her. She ran to where the boat was being lowered and leaned over the edge.
"Joan!" she called. "I can't get in now, it's too late!" Joan's eyes were brimming with tears.
"I, I promise I'll get in the next one, I've just remembered something!" Joan lifted her neck further up.
"You promise? You'd better bloody promise!"
"I promise," sniffed Lily, before she leaned up and disappeared once more into the crowd. She had to be as discreet as she could, she knew if an officer saw her she's be ushered along and plonked in a boat, so when she saw one she'd run as fast as she could in the opposite direction.
Her heart was beating at a million miles an hour as she ran back towards her room. Lily half expected another river of water to burst through the walls and drown her, and so she ran in a very shaky manner. When she got to 18A, she slowed her frenzied pace, and walked slowly, as if walking into an imperial palace for the first time, looking all around her, almost in wonder. She sat on her bed, sunk her head into her hands, and wept, long and hard.
1:10 am
Lily opened her eyes, looked around, and shook her hair out of her face. She realised she had cried herself to sleep. For a minute, she was terrified that she would be the only soul left on the boat, but then she saw the time was only just past one, and she heard voices in rooms nearby. Joan was on a boat, she was probably quite a way away by now.
Lily was too frightened to stay on her own in the room any longer. She picked up her belongings, thanking her lucky stars some crazy impulse had told her to pack everything earlier, and made her way back into the corridor. It was empty, and this sickened Lily right through. Her heart fluttered. Whilst she knew Titanic would still be full of people, the feeling of being alone was almost too much for her to cope with. She heard hurried footsteps behind her, and a man's cough. It was a steward.
"Gracious bloody heavens!" the steward said, when he was walking level with Lily. "What in heaven's name are YOU still doing here miss? You should have gone ages ago. Come along, get outside!" Lily looked at him apprehensively, as though afraid he might hit or something.
"I- I'm looking for my friend!" she cried, before she raced off down the corridor, and through the door at the end.
"Please," called the man, "get on a boat as soon as you can. They're loading up the fifth lifeboat miss!" Lily turned around with a worried expression on her face for a second, then raised a hand in thanks, and kept on running. A fifth lifeboat! she thought. That meant that four had left already!
A strange feeling lingering in Lily was telling her that somehow, she wasn't ready to get off yet, but common sense was telling her to get on with it...
'Who might still be on here?' thought Lily to herself, as she paused in a corridor near the second class rooms, exhausted, and pretty much lost. Simon might be onboard. Margaret probably wasn't, but then again, Lily wasn't sure. Jack would be, and all his friends. Theoretically, Rose should have been gone by now, but Lily hadn't seen her get on a boat, and some niggling sense at the back of her mind told her she might still be onboard. Lily felt her whole world jumble into a huge mess. One thing was certain, she couldn't get off yet. Holding her bag tight, she dashed through the corridors, running through random doors, until at last she found a lift. There were chunking noises above, so she leapt on it before it went up empty without her.
The lift was lugged up a good 3 levels, before she found herself just next to the Grand Staircase. A short, blonde steward opened the doors for her.
"You'd best get on a lifeboat, young lady. They're going as we speak." Lily smiled vaguely and moved away, quickly. She had been so caught up in her thoughts, that she had not noticed she was walking through water that was almost to her ankles. When she finally noticed, the coldness finally kicked in, and he feet went a little numb.
"Damn," she cursed. A lot of pressure was building up behind the doors to the entrance. She knew that in a few minutes, everyone in here would be up to their stomachs in the freezing water. She couldn't help it, she started to run.
"LILY!" called a voice. It was young Simon. "Lily, there you are! Why aren't you gone yet?"
Lily was almost in tears with relief to see someone she recognised.
"Simon! Joan – I mean Miss Federick, she's gone, they've all gone. They'll be letting all the second class people on, Simon, you'd better be off."
"And leave you here? Why? And, that's just the point, I can't find my sister, Milly, or my mother. And besides, even if they were right here, I'm 13, so I'm on the age borderline between being let onto a lifeboat, or made to stay here longer." This idea horrified Lily.
"Oh but surely... Simon, I'm sure they'll let you go. And, where's Margaret?"
"No idea. Please, we've got to find them!" Lily looked at the clock. It was well after half past one.
"Alright. We'll find Milly, and your mother, and Margaret. Then we'll check Rose is alright, and people we know are off safely. Then we simply must go! Simon, do you realise that I was supposed to have left over an hour ago? I promised..." Tears filled Lily's eyes. "I promised Joan I'd get on the next boat."
"Lily, please don't cry, please, come on. Let's, let's go back to the lifeboat area. They might be there." Lily nodded, tearfully, and Simon took her arm and led her back outside.
1:50 am
They were in luck. Just a couple of minutes after they'd first arrived in the lifeboat area, Simon saw his mother, clutching Milly, tears streaming down her face. The band meanwhile were playing wedding marches and the like, never stopping, always smiling. Lily felt yet more tears enter her eyes, at their sheer valiance and admirability.
"Mum!" Simon yelled, his voice cracking. Lily stood and watched the little reunion, managing not to feel bitter somehow. She saw Simon's mother wipe away her tears.
"Who's your friend?" she asked, softly.
"Oh, this is Lily. She's Joan Federick's friend, she was supposed to leave hours ago."
"Gracious, lovey, what on earth?... well you must get on, now, then, mustn't you." Lily nodded, accepting defeat. Margaret would have left by now, and probably Rose as well. The men, well she could do nothing about. She gripped on to the handle of her bag and looked into the boat which was being filled up, Lifeboat 4. She peeped at its contents, and to her delight...
"MARGARET!" she called out, "Am I glad to see you!" Margaret smiled at Lily. She had been crying, that much was obvious.
"Lil. What are you still doing here?" For some reason, this reduced Lily to tears. She snivelled.
"Oh, you know. Oh Lord, Rose!" Before anyone could stop her, she darted back into the crowds. For anyone around, it was the most unsatisfying sight in the world, more than anyone else could possibly imagine.
Lily waded back in, not really knowing what she was doing any more. Even this far up on the boat she was literally having to swim. She pulled her body as hard as she could, wandering aimlessly round the back to the crew's cabin. It was virtually empty, Murdoch, Lowe, Lightoller, Moody, Wilde, they were all loading boats. She had no idea where the captain was, and...
Finally, sense hit Lily, she had to get back. She had to get on a boat. Now. She pulled her body back around again to the lifeboat area. It seemed to take forever. She bumped into a man on her way. It was Officer Murdoch.
"Oh my GOD, Lily, what in bloody heaven's name are you still doing here?" Another 'section' of reality hit Lily again, and she felt the tears flow down her cheeks.
"Is it too late?" she gulped.
"I don't know, lass, I don't know. Last boat's just been lowered." Lily couldn't help it. She ran over to the deserted edge of the ship and threw up her dinner. She returned swiftly and apologised, abashed and seriously groggy. Lowe was now on the scene.
"There's the collapsibles, Will. Boat D's being loaded, she might even have gone by now." Lily pulled at her hair, wrenching her scalp and looking skyward in despair.
"A and B?" bellowed Lightoller, who was in the process of lowering a boat filled with 3rd class women and children. The women were screaming primly every time the boat was let down with a judder. It made Lily feel sick with fury. She leaned over towards them, anger taking her over.
"Well at least you're actually in a lifeboat!" she yelled, "what about the people who can't get off! They don't have your chance?"
It shut them up, for a while, anyway.
"C'mon Will, Collapsibles A and B!"
"I don't know where they are!" Lily couldn't take it any more. With a shriek and a wailed promise to get on the first boat she saw, she ran...
Lily was lucky. They hadn't lowered away Collapsible D yet. She got back just in time. There were men all around her, looking at her in astonishment. Colonel Astor's hawk eyes spotted her.
"Lily? Lily Shaw? Come ALONG for goodness sake! Excuse me, excuse me, I have a girl here, come along, make way."
As she stepped onto the boat, Lily saw all the men step aside, not a thought for themselves. She thought of the band, keeping on playing until the end. Of the stewards, rushing around and saving people. She thought of the officers, making decisions just to save the lives of others, knowing they were doomed to death...
She thought of herself. She didn't deserve to be saved like this. Well we know that Lily did, but of course she didn't see it that way.
"RIGHT!" bellowed the steward, "We'll need to get a move on, she's, she's tilting. Oh LORD, she's tilting. Th – that's it." Lily looked around at the other people in the boat, clutching her soaked bag close to her.
"What do you mean?" a woman asked, a hysteric edge to her voice. It was another man who answered the question.
"The stern, it'll snap in half."
Indeed, there was a horrible ripping, stretching noise. Lily felt more regurgitation come into her mouth. She leaned over the boat, odd black marks of dizziness clouding her vision.
"ROW!" yelled the steward to the other men in the collapsible, "Row, bastard! We'll get sucked under!" Lily couldn't watch. She heard the ores and the pained grunts. But all she could do was shut out the terrible scene. She couldn't look.
"Please, just keep rowing. Faster!" she cried, weeping now, loudly. "FASTER!" As she sobbed, she heard another small girl of around 4 burst into hysterics, and she felt a woman's arms around her.
"Shush, my child, shush. Just thank the good Lord we've been spared."
Lily leaned up from the woman's lap, retched again, upchuck spilling down her face, then lost consciousness altogether...
2:20 am
"WELL SHE SURE IS FUCKING COLLAPSIBLE ALL RIGHT, SHE'S FUCKING COLLAPSING!"
Lily regained consciousness. Her eyes and head were in agony, but she had no choice but to open her eyes.
It was then that she witnessed a sight, a sight so terrible, it actually pained her to stay awake, a sight that penetrated a silent scream through her little body. Two halves of Titanic, bobbing down, sinking. It was awful, but perhaps not as bad as the sound effects they were hearing. The screams. Screams of dying people, the one sound one would hope never ever to hear. As freezing water spilled into Collapsible Boat D, and the people around her screamed and tried with all their might to toss it back out again with their hand, Lily bent double into her lap, squeezing her eyes shut and ramming her hands over her ears. If she witnessed this, she didn't think she could allow herself to live any longer. She had to shut herself out, she just had to. She had to shut herself out, she just had to...