April 15th, 1912
Onboard Carpathia, Atlantic Ocean
"Name?"
Lily looked at Officer Lowe with an 'I'm-not-stupid-and-neither-are-you' look pasted upon her pale, drained face.
"You know what my name is," she croaked. If she had been anybody else, he might have had to insist that she repeat it, but he looked into her eyes and scribbled 'Lily Shaw' onto his clipboard. He showed it to her to ensure he had spelled it correctly, then looked at her sadly and walked to the next group of people. Lily watched him for a little while, then leaned back against her hard wooden chair and closed her eyes...
Lily was aboard the Carpathia, the ship which had come to the rescue of the Titanic's survivors. She could not remember much about the previous night, she had tried to force herself into blocking out the hideous proceedings, and seemingly done quite a good job of it.
In reality, the collapsible boat had indeed collapsed, and so the contents of it had had to cling to it with all their might. Lily had been told this, of course, and it was a mystery to her how she could have clung so hard and so well if she had not been quite awake. But somehow, she and the rest of the people in Collapsible Boat D had survived.
"Lily, are you all right?" Lily knew that voice well now.
"Yes, I – I'm fine. I'm fine. I need you to tell me what happened, though."
Lowe looked at Lily in confusement.
"What d'you mean?"
"I mean, I know that the stupid ship sunk, I just, I just, I just need to know who died. How many people died."
Lowe was silent for a long time. Normally, this would have irritated Lily, but to be frank, she was a little beyond that. At last:
"I can't give you an exact figure, but, just over... around..."
Lily knew that this wasn't going to be a one-man tragedy, but never, never, could she ever have been prepared for the reply she eventually received.
"One thousand, five hundred lives lost."
Lily's eyes widened almost comically. She ground her teeth together in shock. Knowing that if she stayed silent much longer, she would break down and look foolish, she started to gabble.
"Please please tell me who died I need to know I won't be scared if you'll just tell me!" This wasn't an easy thing to answer for the poor young man. Lily realised this.
"Did the captain live?"
"No, he didn't. He drowned in his cabin." Lowe was choking up on his words, but Lily's crazy warped impulse couldn't allow her to shut up.
"The rest of the officers? How many lived?" Another pause, lengthy and frightening.
"I'm the only survivor. Murdoch, Wilde, Lightoller, Moody, Pitman, Boxhall, they've all been killed. They're all dead. Dead."
Lily felt the now well-versed feeling of hot tears in her eyes.
"I – I'm sorry. I'm sorry..." Lowe got up and smiled feebly.
"Ah, it's not your fault lass," he soothed in his lilting Welsh accent, walking away slowly.
"But I should have died with them," she heard him say quietly, just within earshot.
Lily let out one solitary sob then brushed her eyes, sniffed loudly and looked up above her.
"So should I."
So should I. Her inaudible whispered words left her lips, climbed up silently and found their way up into the sky, not seen, not heard by anyone, except perhaps by God Himself. God. Lily thought of Him. She thought of how HE had let this happen. Lily lost all her faith at the drop of that hat. She strained her eyes upwards again.
"I HATE you!" she screamed. This wasn't so inaudible. Death-racked, expressionless faces turned toward her and her scream raged across the empty ocean.
Lily imagined God's face how she had always imagined it as a little child, creased with age, warm with kindness, learned and wise, like a perfect grandfather. She imagined herself punching that face, and the face creasing in fear and fury and pain. It was pleasing, and the fact that it was pleasing sickened Lily. But again, Lily was a bit beyond caring...
"Lily? Oh my Lord, Lily?" Lily turned to a crumpled hooded figure behind her. A wet strand of shocking red hair gave away the ghoul-like creature's identity.
"Rose?"
"Lily."
The number of silences Lily had experienced over the last few hours was starting to spook her. Finally Rose spoke.
"What about your people?"
"Miss Federick got off. So did all my friends. I got off onto a collapsible, which promptly collapsed, and so I had to cling. Did you…… get on a boat?"
"No. I stayed on with Jack..." At this Rose broke down. Angry tears welled up and she breathed wheezily and loudly. Lily realised that Jack could not have made it.
"I'm sorry, Rose, I really am."
"I know, Lily. I am too. But what can we do?" Rose got up shakily and walked away.
Why does everyone walk away?, Lily thought to herself. Why?
She sat down and finally started to absorb her surroundings. There were people mulling around the boat looking in vain for their loved ones. Lily sat back and watched this with a sick feeling in her gut. At one point, a lady of around 40 with long, long dark hair ran over to Lily.
"Felicity is that you? Is that really you?" Then she saw Lily's face, and ran off wailing. Lily hated to be the one who had to have shattered this poor soul's life, the hopes they had been clinging to. She wondered how long it would be before Joan came to find her.
1:50 pm, April 15th
"I don't think you'll find any of your people here, Mr Hockley."
Mr Hockley? Cal Hockley? Lily turned to Rose. Perhaps predictably, perhaps surprisingly, Rose huddled back under her blanket, hiding her face.
"I don't want to see him again," she whispered. Lily nodded. Then she turned her head behind her and looked back at Cal. His hair was a mess and he was still wearing his evening clothes. His face looked hollow. This fascinated and sickened Lily at the same time. She stared.
Then Cal turned himself, having given up hope on finding Rose. He caught Lily's eye. She turned away quickly, but not quickly enough.
"Miss Shaw." Lily nodded absently.
"Where is your family?"
Silence.
"They haven't come yet."
Cal nodded.
"I can take you to them, Lily."
"What?"
"You heard me, child. I'll take you to your family. It's the least I can bloody well do."
"I live with a guardian, Mr Hockley. She is living near Glasgow. I don't want to put you to any-"
"You're not, girl, you're not. Have-" Cal cleared his throat. "Have you seen Rose?"
Lily glanced fleetingly at the familiar figure hidden behind Hockley's tall, broad back. She saw the pleading eyes in the pale face. She couldn't betray Rose, she just couldn't.
"No."
Cal raised an eyebrow.
"No, " she repeated. "I haven't seen her."
2:45 pm
Lily got up reluctantly. Lowe saw her and handed her her bag, which by some odd fluke she had managed to keep hold of.
"Are you sure you'll be safe, miss?"
"It's Lily. You know that. Yes, I'll be fine. I want you to know I'm really sorry. And you shouldn't have died. No one should." Lowe smiled warmly. Then Lily grasped her impulses and leaned over, giving him a peck on the cheek. Lowe smiled again, and blushed.
"I'd give one to all of you if..." Lily tailed off. She could not bring herself to think of Lowe as the only officer who hadn't been killed. But he understood well enough.
"Miss Shaw, I'm leaving in a minute." It was Cal. Lily looked at him with a poker face and handed him the scrap of paper on which the address of the hotel Joan had planned on them staying at had been scrawled. He glanced at it then took Lily by the shoulder, guiding her off the still ship, and into New York. People ogled at them, and all the others leaving Carpathia, muttering amongst themselves.
"Poor souls, losing all their loved ones."
"1500 lives lost, apparently. Tragic." Lily walked alongside Mr Hockley coldly, once again feeling hot tears creep down her face.
Hockley hired a cab to the hotel. At last, at the entrance to the place, he spoke.
"You know there's barely any chance whatsoever of finding your people, girl."
Lily glared. She hated his pessimism. She hated the way he called her 'girl'. She hated the way he was so loathesome and yet she couldn't help but redeem him for what he was doing for her. She wanted to say something, but couldn't, and so settled her glare on him a little longer, walking into the entrance hall. Cal took out a cigar and started smoking it, looking around at the familiar New York hotel. This was all new to Lily but she was so set on finding Joan she couldn't look around. She stood in the busy hallway as though she lived in the place, shooting furtive glances around every so often. Cal came back indoors.
"You'll never find her," he said...
"Or won't she?"
Lily spun around.
"JOAN!"
Lily didn't think, she didn't speak, just flew into Joan's arms and cried, loudly, fervently. Joan was finding it impossible not to cry as well. Cal stood nearby, watching them. Bitterly. He puffed at his cigar again.
"I'm sorry I didn't get in a boat Joan, I'm sorry!" Joan smiled tearfully.
"Oh, you silly girl! How did you ever survive? I'm so sorry I didn't – didn't come for you, I just couldn't bring myself to find out if you had – if you were..."
Lily smiled.
"I'm here, I'm here! Pinch yourself, you're not dreaming!"
"Lily, I'm so glad, I just – I'm glad beyond words, I can't speak, dear!" Joan's face filled up again with tears. Lily started to snivel happily into her coat. Finally, Joan saw Cal, and recognised him.
"Mr Hockley, why it's you!"
Cal smiled sarcastically.
"It's me, indeed. Here for Lily's safe delivery into your hands. You're lucky to have found her, Miss Federick, lucky. Some of us weren't so as you." He looked bitterly at them, then smiled, but in a way that suggested he was having to make an effort in doing so.
"I'd, I'd best be off." And to Lily's surprise, he held out a hand. She shook it warmly, then smiled as he turned away...
Lily ran. She ran up to him subtly, causing him to start. She couldn't resist.
"Thanks," she whispered, and planted a kiss upon his cheek. He smelt of classy aftershave. Cal smiled pleasantly for the first time in a long time, then raised a hand in goodbye as Lily ran back to Joan.
Stupid child. Clever, but so naïve. Firey, but so, so young. Like Rose. Cal thought these things to himself sourly, trying and failing to suppress his liking for Lily. She was hard not to like, in her own way.
Life restored, Joan and Lily came back into the hotel, smiling to themselves, laughing, as though Lily had been lost in a crowd for perhaps ten minutes or less.
"So we stay here?" Lily enquired.
"For a little while, yes. Another day or so, then we must go home."
"Home?"
"Well, yes."
Lily looked furiously at her now worn, if new, shoes.
"I don't want to go within a hundred-mile proximity of any water vessel ever again!" she hissed. Joan sighed.
"Lily, you have to get home, you know that. Listen, it won't happen again. Ti – Titanic was an experiment. Think of all the other, smaller ships that haven't and never will sink, or have ANY problems, ever. Lily, you've got to be brave about this. I promise it will be all right."
Silence.
"Promise?"
"Promise."