She doesn't know what it's like for me. Not allowed to care, to love, to want. But do.
I need to be with her, to know that she'll be alright. That I need to protect her and see her through the shadows, my presence not known, but want it to be. That word again, want, through the eyes of a vampire that is all we ever ask for. To want everything we can't have. I know I can't have her, so I yearn for her. She cares about me, I know that, but in the past I was so full of wanting that I let myself be lost. I became lost to her mind, her body and soul. Look where it has brought me. Fearful for myself to be lost again, never being able to gain that trust once more. We can't love, or hate like we're supposed to. We have become what we were always meant to be. Alone, apart, scared, broken, different. Born to be enemies one way or another. Our feelings being the weapons for our defeat, ending in confusion and hurt. Pain is always the result. I'm always at a distance, being beckoned by my feelings to give in, to let myself love her, let my cold veins thrive with my love for her. But I know truth. I now know my place. That it can't be so without my consequence. She'll always be there in my mind, body and soul. So I walk away in pain, I watch her crumble inside and out, feel her heart straining, and mine as well. We see each other that one final time, and realize that it will never be all over. I can't win a battle I was doomed to lose. We had a life together once, but that's all it was: once. What is it that draws me to her? I'll never know. I scar her with memories of hurt and distrust. Little they are, but painful they can become with time. I leave unwillingly, but know it's for the best in hopes that she might still have a future. In life, she is the Slayer. I can't want that. I don't want that. But I can't deny that all I want, is Buffy.