AN: I haven't really had the inspiration to update in my two fics right now, so I decided to write a one-shot that I've been writing on and off for a while now. It was originally a poem I had written, but eventually it evolved into a one-shot about Riku. It's short but powerful. I'd like to give a shout out to Zanisha! She is my inspiration!
Disclaimer: I don't own the number one silver haired bishounen, okay?
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The Bestseller
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My life is complex. So what? Big deal, right? Whoever said life was simple? No one. That's my point. Life can't be simple. There has to be something more to it. But that's my problem. Sometimes I just can't seem to figure it out. My life is like a strategically played Tetris. You keep going and going but if you make some wrong moves, it'll add up, and you'll have no where to go. Your mistakes will pile up, and you'll have to pay the consequences. My life is also like a puzzle with thousands of pieces. A lot of times you want to give up, because it seems almost impossible to solve. But then you find that one piece that was misplaced, and after that, everything just seems to come together.
But like all games, at some point it'll come to an end.
Something that I have come to realize is that even though my life is like a game, it is also like a book. Sure the cover may be worn out and the pages torn, but that's only because it's been walking hand in hand with time. At first my book is not a book. It is just a collection of paper. But with every book on a shelf, there has to be a story. My pages can't be blank. So, I write in my book day after day. Whenever I do something or say something it's like adding another page to the book of my life.
When I look back on what I've written, it's hard for me to believe that that's what I went through, that I'm the character I'm reading about. What I've always wondered is whether I'm the protagonist or the antagonist of the story. Am I the main character, the hero in the spotlight? Or am I the villain in the shadows? I know it's weird thinking that someone couldn't be the main character of their own life story. But sometimes I feel that way.
Like I don't even belong in my life.
You know sometimes when you read a book there's a character that you really hate? Like they shouldn't be in the story at all? Well, I feel like that's me. If someone read my book, they'd hate me. They'd slander the author for creating such a horrible character.
But aside from that, I don't know who I am, so maybe I am the hero that everyone loves. Or maybe I'm neither. In my book, maybe I'm just some stupid sidekick or secondary character. But do I really do that? Do I let someone else steal the show? That after someone reads my book it's someone else they're talking about?
No, that can't be me. It's my book, it's my life. No one runs it but me. I don't let anyone take over my life. I make my own choices. I choose what I want my story to be about.
Well, at least now I do…
I guess it's hard to decide what I want to write about in my book, because there are so many other characters in my life, it's almost impossible for them not to influence my book. But I guess that's why things are so complicated.
Here's the thing, if my life wasn't complicated, then it wouldn't be interesting. I'm not saying I do bad things on purpose, but it's just that people are very interested in stories of angst and drama. I mean, when someone goes to the bookstore, do they think 'I want to buy a book about people with perfect lives.' No way! We all know that they're thinking 'I want to buy a book about people that are involved with drugs, love triangles, and deaths.' People want to read about things that they wouldn't normally experience. Things that can take them outside their world.
I guess when they read my book they'll find that. Death, darkness, desire, deceit, I've got all that. Is that something I should be proud of? Yes, right? After all, I am just another author trying to get my book sold. And my book wouldn't sell unless it had those things in it. I think my book would be a bestseller. It's got everything someone would want to read about, and so much more.
Now, everyone I meet influences what I write in my book. They have the ability to alter its pages, and so do I. But I have found a great flaw in that. The problem is, when I write in my book, I can't use pencil, meaning once I write something down, I can't erase it. In life, if I say something mean or do something bad, I can't take it back. That's the hardest thing for me. There are so many things written in my book that I wish I could erase. But I can't.
It'll be there forever. The black ink is permanently stained on the white pages. If that's the case, then is the darkness permanently stained in the light of my life? Is the darkness forever in me? The question is, do I even want it out? Will anyone read my book if it is? That's just one of the many questions I hope to answer by the time the last word of my book is written down.
And who knows, I may not even write them down myself. Maybe I'll let someone else finish my life. I mean, what's the point of living? Writing in this book everyday…At the end of the day I have to go over what happened and write every single detail down. Do you know how much that hurts? To relive every evil thing I've done?
I just wish I could erase what I've done. I've written so many pages about what's happened. Hopefully I won't have to write more. I used to think there was no way I could take out the things I've done from my book. But today, I've found a new way. In order for me to erase the things that I've done, I must rid myself of my impurities. I must feel the pain of what I've written, the evil things that I have done. I know now what I must do…
I may not be able to erase these things from my book, but I can rip out all the pages.