Chapter 7- Pretend I'm Not; You're All I Got
Sorry for the long wait-I've been working a lot and then filling the rest of the time with Christmas shopping. Happy holidays, everyone, and enjoy the new chapter! I'll try to update sooner than this one was, but I have midterms, two term papers, work, and my winter formal coming up, so who knows? Song for this chapter is Faint, by Linkin Park.
(Mark's POV)
My hands trembled as I locked myself in my bedroom. If it was possible to know perfection only once in life, kissing her had been it. I could almost feel the place on my mouth where her lips had bruised mine. My jeans tightened unbearably at the thought, and I craved her. She was everything I had ever wanted and more. How could something so morally wrong feel so incredibly right?
I am a little bit of loneliness
A little bit of disregard
Handful of complaints, but I can't help the fact that everyone can see these scars.
"You're not making it any easier, Cohen." I muttered to myself in annoyance.
As if things weren't weird enough after waking up together this morning, and not being able to remember a goddamned thing. Then when Roger came home. . . and the way he treated her. She had let him off the hook so easily. . . but I knew she was nowhere even close to being let off his hook. Did she even want to be let off? Suddenly, a knock sounded on my door.
"Yeah?" I asked.
"Mark?" April called from the other side of the door.
Shit. I was trying to hide from her, trying to deny that I needed her more than the stale apartment air that was filling my lungs. . . not that I was breathing at the moment. For the past fifteen minutes, I think I had forgotten how to breathe.
I am what I want you to want
What I want you to feel
Bu it's like no matter what I do I can't convince you to just believe this is real.
"Um. . . yea?" I called back nervously.
"Can I come in?"
"No!" I cried out, scrambling away from the door as if I'd been burned.
"Why not? Listen, I'm sorry about before."
Oh God, that was the last thing I needed to hear the epitome of perfection say. It was like an angel saying "Oops, sorry, didn't mean to bless you, let me take it back." But we couldn't take that moment back and I'd be damned if I ever had to.
"Don't be sorry, April. It was great. . . awesome. . . glorious. . . wonderful. . . but it was wrong."
"Was it really so wrong?" she asked me, and I heard her lean against the doorframe. "Feelings sometimes have a mind of their own, and if they give up on your head and take over your heart, what choice do you have but to act on it?"
I sat down on the floor in front of my bed and thought about what she said. It did have merit. . . I was the one who had felt the connection and felt it deep enough to dive in and go for the gold.
"Well. . . it was wrong, but it also wasn't. I loved every fucking second of it, but it wasn't right. It couldn't have been! Roger." I said, stumbling idiotically over my words.
"Roger had his chance." April said with amazing calm.
"You can't just stop loving someone." I stuttered, trying to hold on to my rapidly fraying resolve to not open that door.
"No. . . but. . ." she paused, then added, "It's hard to explain."
I sighed. She was one hell of a woman. I wanted so badly to open that door. Suddenly, I heard the sound of something picking at the lock of my door.
"April?"
"It's not going to be like this," she said forcefully, "I'm coming in whether you like it or not!"
I jumped up and shoved all my weight against the door just as she succeeded in opening it. The door started to slam shut, but she stuck her foot in and pried it back open.
"Don't!" I begged.
"I won't let it be like this! We can't just pretend nothing happened!" she said with more determination as she heaved against my weight.
So I let go, watching you turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here cause you're all that I got.
I pushed back harder and caused her to yelp as I closed the door on her foot. I cursed inwardly, but then fumbled for the lock. I had almost gotten there when suddenly I was flying across the room and the door with me. April stood there in the debris afterward like a prize champion fighter.
"What the. . . my door! You. . ."
"Charged at it? Yes, I did." April replied.
I gingerly sat up and succeeded in having the door fall over, banging me on the forehead.
"Fuuuuuuuck!" I moaned, and pushed the door aside. It fell lopsidedly on the bed, and April stood above me looking amused.
"You're going to have a major headache later on," she stated.
"Duly noted." I replied sourly. "It's all your fault."
"Why, cause you were being a dumbass and wouldn't let me in?"
"I can't let you in! I don't trust myself, and now you, to be blunt!" I said, trying to feel angry but not quite feeling it.
"You can't let me in because you're too damned busy trying to push me out! Why can't you let yourself feel what you feel?" April cried out.
Her brow was furrowed, her cheeks were flushed, and she absently ran her fingers through her hair. She was beautiful in her bewilderment, and I hated her for it in that instant. I took a deep breath and decided to attempt to explain why I couldn't let her in.
I can't feel the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me; I won't be ignored.
"Because. . . it's not that easy. Because if I do let you in and let myself feel everything I felt when I held you in my arms not ten minutes ago, then I'll fall apart, I'll become a train wreck. I would hate myself for the rest of my life if I ever messed anything up between you and Roger. I was happy being the unrequited lover. . . but then you came along the other night full of sadness and questions, and all I wanted to do was hold you. . . just hold you. Instead, I got so much more than I ever expected, and damn it but I wanted you, and damn it if I think I'm going to do anything about it. I can't love you and hate myself for it at the same time, but if it's what I have to do to ensure that I don't fuck up something that's better than me, then I'll do it." I rambled, not sure if I was making sense and not really caring.
Tears were running down her face and a sad smile was making its way across my lips.
"I'm content," I continued, "Just with loving you. . . just the simple act of being in love with you and waking up each morning knowing that you're here. Just the idea that I couldn't possibly fall deeper in love with you if I tried, but ending every day knowing that I love you more than I did the day before. I love you, April Watson, and I'm ok with that."
"Mark. . ." she started, but I gently touched a finger to her lips.
"I know I sound crazy, and you're probably wondering how I could possibly love you in the way that love means, but just trust me when I say it hit like a bolt of lightening and it gets stronger all the time. But I don't want you to worry about me. Worry about Roger. He loves you. I don't want to change that."
Time won't tell; don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored.
"You say you love me," April started, taking a shaky breath, "And you say that you don't want to fuck things up. But look at us- he and I always fight now, and every fight we have, every barbed poisoned word he sends my way makes me fall more out of love with him. I can only go so long before I hit rock bottom. But just spending more time with you in the past two days, I've realized I'll never hit rock bottom. You're here, you've always been here. My only problem is that I don't know how long I can go on ignoring that you're here."
She finished and exhaled, and took a few slow steps toward me. I was barely breathing as she pushed her face close up to mine.
"I can't keep ignoring you forever, Mark."
"Sure you can. Do what you've done up until two days ago- I was the boyfriend's best friend that you were friends with. That solves one of your two problems."
"Two?" she asked in confusion, though her voice came out barely above a whisper.
"One would be trying to ignore me, which shouldn't be hard. The other is that you're in love with Roger. Don't protest, don't try to tell me you're not. You are."
April fell silent under my words.
"It's not wrong to love him, April. Every couple goes through hard times. If no one did, the world would be perfect and therefore boring. I love watching you guys together sometimes-you're the light of his life. He kicks himself every time he makes you cry. He loves you with every bit of his being. Don't ever lose sight of that." I said softly.
I am a little bit insecure, a little unconfident
Cause you don't understand I do what I can and sometimes I don't make sense.
(Roger's POV)
I am what you never wanna say, but I've never had a doubt
It's like no matter what I do I can't convince you for once just to hear me out.
The music blared all around me at the Pyramid Club, even though it was only mid afternoon. There was a band playing a set on stage that starred teenage guys hoping to be the next idols of New York City. Fat fucking chance. I gulped down some more Sam Adams and then plunked the bottle down roughly on the counter.
"Tough day, Roger?" asked Dean, who was the bartender.
"You don't say?" I asked sarcastically.
Dean smiled sympathetically, then said, "Then the next one's on the house."
"Cheers." I said as we clinked bottles together and downed them.
"Fighting with April?" he asked after the second bottle of beer.
"Yeah. . . April and the band. The two don't seem to mix very well. I'm trying so hard to keep the two things that matter most in my life together, but it's difficult. I don't know. . . I've been an asshole to her lately. She doesn't deserve it but I just keep taking shit out on her." I replied.
"So you mean that you weren't fighting before?"
"Not until Jack started getting us more gigs here. Then I was always at practice or at a gig, and April took a backseat unless we wanted to fuck. She let me have it the other night, and I can't say that I blame her."
"If Roger Davis, heartbreaker-stud extraordinaire, is feeling guilty about the way he's treating a girl, then it must be serious." Dean joked as he wiped down the counter and tossed my bottles in the bin beneath the counter.
"Serious enough where I proposed to her last night." I countered.
Dean whistled under his breath.
"Sounds like this one's got you good."
"She does. She means the world to me. But then the band took off."
"She understands that's bound to happen, right?"
"Not anymore" I said angrily.
"Huh? What happened, man?" Dean asked in surprise.
"Buy me another beer and maybe I'll tell you."
Dean slid another Sam Adams toward me and then drummed his fingers on the counter.
"Let's hear it."
"Jack and I got into a really bad fistfight yesterday. He said some shit about April and about how my commitment to the band sucks. Words and blows were exchanged-rated R for violence, language and gore." I said in a shitty attempt to make a joke.
So I let go, watching you, turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend I'm not, but I'll be here cause you're all that I got.
"That sucks. So now you're out of the band for messing with the money behind it?"
"So it would seem. It was either that or take him out. I guess that Josh and Ernie decided that wouldn't be too swift."
"Taking you out was less swift-the band will go down shit creek without you." Dean said in determination.
"Somehow, I think they'll survive. But you're right, Dean. No one was as committed body and soul to that band as I was. Sure, Jack had the money and the advertising connections. I had the love of music. They know it too, but they probably figure they don't need heart and soul to sell well and make money."
"They're stupid fuckers, don't. . . let. . .it. . .you fought with April over that too, didn't you?" he said, trailing off at the look on my face.
"Yeah. I accused her of being happy about it because now she wouldn't have to nag me about never being home." I said miserably.
"Harsh, man. Real harsh."
"Give me another beer so I don't have to be constantly reminded of that. Christ, she threw the fucking ring I gave her at my feet when I did that, right before I stormed out. I was engaged for half a day! How pathetic is that? Where's my beer?" I asked.
Dean shook his head.
"Nope. I'm cutting you off. You're too worked up, buddy. Maybe another time."
"A real friend would let his friend get shitfaced." I said sourly.
"I'm sure. How about you occupy yourself with the eye candy that just walked in over there?" he said, and pointed to a woman who obviously held more than attention of just Dean.
"Girlfriend." I said pointedly.
"Like that ever stopped you before."
"If you hadn't bought me two beers, I'd take a swing at you for that."
"No you fucking wouldn't because I've kicked your puny ass before. There's nothing wrong with looking-you're not fucking Jesus, ya know."
The woman, either oblivious to or ignoring the stares and catcalls that she was receiving, strolled over to the counter just then. She leaned on the polished wood and waved Dean over.
"Rum and coke on the rocks," she yelled over the music.
"Sure thing, um. . ."
"Maureen."
"Alrighty then, Miss Maureen, coming right up."
"You're such a fucking ladies' man," I muttered when he came close enough.
"Fuck off, it's not my fault you're not as sexy as I am," he replied, and went about making her rum and coke.
I rolled my eyes heavenward, and then glanced over to see Maureen sit down on the bar stool next to me.
"Let me guess. Bored, angry, or both." Maureen said as she turned to face me.
"What?"
"There aren't too many reasons why a guy would come to a bar and drink at four in the afternoon. It's either got to be because you're bored, angry, or both," she stated.
"Your perceptiveness astounds me. I'm angry, so consider yourself right." I said, and slapped some money down on the counter for Dean.
"I'm out!" I yelled over the so-called punk/ska music being played by the band called Ass Over Teacup.
"Later, dude!" Dean waved from the other side of the bar where he was talking to yet another beautiful woman.
"Excuse me," I muttered as I squeezed in between mine and Maureen's chairs to get out of the bar.
"Hey! One thing!" she called after me.
"Yeah?"
"Just tell her you love her, and then take her to dinner. It'll turn out fine." Maureen said, giving me a knowing look saying that guys were assholes who had to be told how to treat their girlfriends.
She wasn't too far from the truth.
"Thanks," I said, and then turned and left.
(April's POV)
I can't feel the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored.
Ever have those moments where time stops and then you start to argue with yourself? Sort of like those cartoons where the angel and the devil inside you appear on opposite shoulders and start to debate whether you should go through with what you're about to do. I was in the middle of one of those moments. Here I was, sitting there with Mark, and part of me wanted so badly to be in his arms. Not necessarily in a sexual sense, but in the sense of wanting to feel loved and cared about. It wasn't fair. There was no way that I could get out of this unscathed, without fucking up in some way. But then there was Roger. He was beautiful in his anger, and he had his moments. He was loving and caring, and raw to touch when he was high. He could cut me deep but sew me back up with those musicians' hands of his. I loved him with every fiber that made me up, but at the same time I knew I couldn't take much more of this. I had to be reasonable though. The actual hardcore fighting started two days ago. Before it was just a buildup. Maybe the worst was over, maybe we could start anew. . . and maybe I was royalty and, like Anastasia, didn't know it.
Time won't tell, don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored.
"You want to forgive Roger, don't you?" Mark asked me, interrupting my thoughts.
I looked down at him. He was sitting against the bed, I was crouched over him. Sitting down comfortably next to him, I replied,
"Yes. I do, I always do. There are no questions there. But with forgiveness comes new trust and a new chance for him to break my heart. I don't want to chance that, but he's the best thing that's ever happened to me as of yet. I'd have to forgive myself first, though."
"Forgive yourself?" Mark asked questioningly.
I sighed. "Yeah. I've never been a very forgiving person. I don't give second chances, but at the same time, I don't ask for them. It sorta goes hand in hand with the fact that I hate to ask for help and I hate to cry. I see it as a sort of weakness- but only in myself. Never in anyone else. Maybe I was born with an extra male chromosome. . ."
Now, hear me out now!
You're gonna listen to me, like it or not, right now!
Hear me out now!
You're gonna listen to me, like it or not, right now.
Mark nodded, and put an arm around me.
"So you're saying that you'd have to forgive yourself for forgiving Roger? Because it's almost like a sign. . ."
"Of weakness." I finished for him.
"April, you're anything but weak. Do you have any idea what I see when I look at you? What Roger sees when he looks at you?"
I shook my head. I honestly couldn't see anything that could make someone fall in love with me the way either man had.
"You're beautiful. You're caring, you're loving, and the world lights up whenever you smile." Mark said slowly, as if he were trying to get me to grasp his meaning fully.
"Stop being so nice to me. I don't deserve it."
"Sure you do. Besides, I'm Mark, the nice guy. . . I roll with it and take it however it's given to me."
"In other words, life plants its oversized foot up your ass daily." I said candidly.
Mark grimaced at the thought. "Yeah, just a little."
I leaned my head against his shoulder and sighed.
"Think it'll ever get any better for any of us?"
Mark looked up at me in surprise. "What do you mean?"
I mean, I thought in my head, will Roger and I ever get off heroin? Will I ever mean more to anyone than a good lay? Will I be able to ignore Mark forever? A bunch of questions crowded my head, none of which I could bring myself to say aloud.
"I just mean.well."
And at that moment, our eyes met. They were fused together by time and hope. It was anything to just get out of this hell we were living, and at that moment, I knew we had found it. Mark's concerned brown eyes burned into my clouded green ones, and I felt myself falling.just falling. But for some reason, the rock bottom that I could have sworn I was just inches from hitting never came. Instead I found my lips falling slowly towards Mark's, and every second I didn't kiss him was agony as I had never felt before.
I can't feel the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored..
"April." he whispered huskily as a hand trailed down my cheek and stayed on my neck. He brought me closer until I could feel his breath on my cheek.
"I.Mark, I." I started but suddenly stopped as I heard the sound of the loft door opening and heard Roger enter the loft.
We broke away quickly and Mark leaped a few feet away from me with a regretful look on his face. Roger strode into Mark's room and dropped instantly to his knees in front of me.
"April, baby, please, just for a second, listen to me."
I tried hard to make my face stone cold and impassive.
"I suppose so."
"I'm a fuck-up. I know I am and dammit if I wish I could change. You'll never know how sorry I am for the things I said to you for the past.while. And I know there's only so many times I can apologize and beg for forgiveness. But I'd die without you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. You're the light that warms my heart and keeps me from freezing to death every day. You're the smile that makes me feel like I could die happy just staring at it and feeling the love in it." he said sincerely, his eyes hopeful.
Time won't tell, don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored.
"Roger," I interrupted, "How long am I supposed to forgive and forget? How long am I supposed to pretend that the things you said to me never existed? What reason can you give me to forgive you again?"
He took my hands in his and kissed each fingertip on each hand.
"Like I said- I'm a fuck-up. I can't remember a single day in my life where I didn't screw something up whether it be my grades, you, a friendship, or the dishes! But I'm your fuck-up. And I can't live without you. Please, April, put the ring back on and hold me in your arms again. I couldn't bear to feel the light fading from your eyes, to know it fades in my heart. I don't ever want that to happen, and being with you is a surefire way to make sure it doesn't."
I took one look at him, and glanced at Mark over my shoulder.
"Go," he mouthed. "Take him back."
Mark looked so sad and hang-dog, but at the same time, he was doing this for me. I loved Roger, even though I was a little unsure about how it would work out. Mark had been right. I didn't want to be let off the hook- it just might give the notion that I could run away for the rest of my life.
"Alright Roger." I said, and slipped the ring on my finger.
Roger's face broke into a huge smile.
"I swear, you'll never regret it."
"I hope not." I replied, but then added, "Oh come here, you!"
And as our lips met in a kiss, I couldn't help but wonder if this would last.
I can't feel the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored!
Sorry for the long wait-I've been working a lot and then filling the rest of the time with Christmas shopping. Happy holidays, everyone, and enjoy the new chapter! I'll try to update sooner than this one was, but I have midterms, two term papers, work, and my winter formal coming up, so who knows? Song for this chapter is Faint, by Linkin Park.
(Mark's POV)
My hands trembled as I locked myself in my bedroom. If it was possible to know perfection only once in life, kissing her had been it. I could almost feel the place on my mouth where her lips had bruised mine. My jeans tightened unbearably at the thought, and I craved her. She was everything I had ever wanted and more. How could something so morally wrong feel so incredibly right?
I am a little bit of loneliness
A little bit of disregard
Handful of complaints, but I can't help the fact that everyone can see these scars.
"You're not making it any easier, Cohen." I muttered to myself in annoyance.
As if things weren't weird enough after waking up together this morning, and not being able to remember a goddamned thing. Then when Roger came home. . . and the way he treated her. She had let him off the hook so easily. . . but I knew she was nowhere even close to being let off his hook. Did she even want to be let off? Suddenly, a knock sounded on my door.
"Yeah?" I asked.
"Mark?" April called from the other side of the door.
Shit. I was trying to hide from her, trying to deny that I needed her more than the stale apartment air that was filling my lungs. . . not that I was breathing at the moment. For the past fifteen minutes, I think I had forgotten how to breathe.
I am what I want you to want
What I want you to feel
Bu it's like no matter what I do I can't convince you to just believe this is real.
"Um. . . yea?" I called back nervously.
"Can I come in?"
"No!" I cried out, scrambling away from the door as if I'd been burned.
"Why not? Listen, I'm sorry about before."
Oh God, that was the last thing I needed to hear the epitome of perfection say. It was like an angel saying "Oops, sorry, didn't mean to bless you, let me take it back." But we couldn't take that moment back and I'd be damned if I ever had to.
"Don't be sorry, April. It was great. . . awesome. . . glorious. . . wonderful. . . but it was wrong."
"Was it really so wrong?" she asked me, and I heard her lean against the doorframe. "Feelings sometimes have a mind of their own, and if they give up on your head and take over your heart, what choice do you have but to act on it?"
I sat down on the floor in front of my bed and thought about what she said. It did have merit. . . I was the one who had felt the connection and felt it deep enough to dive in and go for the gold.
"Well. . . it was wrong, but it also wasn't. I loved every fucking second of it, but it wasn't right. It couldn't have been! Roger." I said, stumbling idiotically over my words.
"Roger had his chance." April said with amazing calm.
"You can't just stop loving someone." I stuttered, trying to hold on to my rapidly fraying resolve to not open that door.
"No. . . but. . ." she paused, then added, "It's hard to explain."
I sighed. She was one hell of a woman. I wanted so badly to open that door. Suddenly, I heard the sound of something picking at the lock of my door.
"April?"
"It's not going to be like this," she said forcefully, "I'm coming in whether you like it or not!"
I jumped up and shoved all my weight against the door just as she succeeded in opening it. The door started to slam shut, but she stuck her foot in and pried it back open.
"Don't!" I begged.
"I won't let it be like this! We can't just pretend nothing happened!" she said with more determination as she heaved against my weight.
So I let go, watching you turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here cause you're all that I got.
I pushed back harder and caused her to yelp as I closed the door on her foot. I cursed inwardly, but then fumbled for the lock. I had almost gotten there when suddenly I was flying across the room and the door with me. April stood there in the debris afterward like a prize champion fighter.
"What the. . . my door! You. . ."
"Charged at it? Yes, I did." April replied.
I gingerly sat up and succeeded in having the door fall over, banging me on the forehead.
"Fuuuuuuuck!" I moaned, and pushed the door aside. It fell lopsidedly on the bed, and April stood above me looking amused.
"You're going to have a major headache later on," she stated.
"Duly noted." I replied sourly. "It's all your fault."
"Why, cause you were being a dumbass and wouldn't let me in?"
"I can't let you in! I don't trust myself, and now you, to be blunt!" I said, trying to feel angry but not quite feeling it.
"You can't let me in because you're too damned busy trying to push me out! Why can't you let yourself feel what you feel?" April cried out.
Her brow was furrowed, her cheeks were flushed, and she absently ran her fingers through her hair. She was beautiful in her bewilderment, and I hated her for it in that instant. I took a deep breath and decided to attempt to explain why I couldn't let her in.
I can't feel the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me; I won't be ignored.
"Because. . . it's not that easy. Because if I do let you in and let myself feel everything I felt when I held you in my arms not ten minutes ago, then I'll fall apart, I'll become a train wreck. I would hate myself for the rest of my life if I ever messed anything up between you and Roger. I was happy being the unrequited lover. . . but then you came along the other night full of sadness and questions, and all I wanted to do was hold you. . . just hold you. Instead, I got so much more than I ever expected, and damn it but I wanted you, and damn it if I think I'm going to do anything about it. I can't love you and hate myself for it at the same time, but if it's what I have to do to ensure that I don't fuck up something that's better than me, then I'll do it." I rambled, not sure if I was making sense and not really caring.
Tears were running down her face and a sad smile was making its way across my lips.
"I'm content," I continued, "Just with loving you. . . just the simple act of being in love with you and waking up each morning knowing that you're here. Just the idea that I couldn't possibly fall deeper in love with you if I tried, but ending every day knowing that I love you more than I did the day before. I love you, April Watson, and I'm ok with that."
"Mark. . ." she started, but I gently touched a finger to her lips.
"I know I sound crazy, and you're probably wondering how I could possibly love you in the way that love means, but just trust me when I say it hit like a bolt of lightening and it gets stronger all the time. But I don't want you to worry about me. Worry about Roger. He loves you. I don't want to change that."
Time won't tell; don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored.
"You say you love me," April started, taking a shaky breath, "And you say that you don't want to fuck things up. But look at us- he and I always fight now, and every fight we have, every barbed poisoned word he sends my way makes me fall more out of love with him. I can only go so long before I hit rock bottom. But just spending more time with you in the past two days, I've realized I'll never hit rock bottom. You're here, you've always been here. My only problem is that I don't know how long I can go on ignoring that you're here."
She finished and exhaled, and took a few slow steps toward me. I was barely breathing as she pushed her face close up to mine.
"I can't keep ignoring you forever, Mark."
"Sure you can. Do what you've done up until two days ago- I was the boyfriend's best friend that you were friends with. That solves one of your two problems."
"Two?" she asked in confusion, though her voice came out barely above a whisper.
"One would be trying to ignore me, which shouldn't be hard. The other is that you're in love with Roger. Don't protest, don't try to tell me you're not. You are."
April fell silent under my words.
"It's not wrong to love him, April. Every couple goes through hard times. If no one did, the world would be perfect and therefore boring. I love watching you guys together sometimes-you're the light of his life. He kicks himself every time he makes you cry. He loves you with every bit of his being. Don't ever lose sight of that." I said softly.
I am a little bit insecure, a little unconfident
Cause you don't understand I do what I can and sometimes I don't make sense.
(Roger's POV)
I am what you never wanna say, but I've never had a doubt
It's like no matter what I do I can't convince you for once just to hear me out.
The music blared all around me at the Pyramid Club, even though it was only mid afternoon. There was a band playing a set on stage that starred teenage guys hoping to be the next idols of New York City. Fat fucking chance. I gulped down some more Sam Adams and then plunked the bottle down roughly on the counter.
"Tough day, Roger?" asked Dean, who was the bartender.
"You don't say?" I asked sarcastically.
Dean smiled sympathetically, then said, "Then the next one's on the house."
"Cheers." I said as we clinked bottles together and downed them.
"Fighting with April?" he asked after the second bottle of beer.
"Yeah. . . April and the band. The two don't seem to mix very well. I'm trying so hard to keep the two things that matter most in my life together, but it's difficult. I don't know. . . I've been an asshole to her lately. She doesn't deserve it but I just keep taking shit out on her." I replied.
"So you mean that you weren't fighting before?"
"Not until Jack started getting us more gigs here. Then I was always at practice or at a gig, and April took a backseat unless we wanted to fuck. She let me have it the other night, and I can't say that I blame her."
"If Roger Davis, heartbreaker-stud extraordinaire, is feeling guilty about the way he's treating a girl, then it must be serious." Dean joked as he wiped down the counter and tossed my bottles in the bin beneath the counter.
"Serious enough where I proposed to her last night." I countered.
Dean whistled under his breath.
"Sounds like this one's got you good."
"She does. She means the world to me. But then the band took off."
"She understands that's bound to happen, right?"
"Not anymore" I said angrily.
"Huh? What happened, man?" Dean asked in surprise.
"Buy me another beer and maybe I'll tell you."
Dean slid another Sam Adams toward me and then drummed his fingers on the counter.
"Let's hear it."
"Jack and I got into a really bad fistfight yesterday. He said some shit about April and about how my commitment to the band sucks. Words and blows were exchanged-rated R for violence, language and gore." I said in a shitty attempt to make a joke.
So I let go, watching you, turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend I'm not, but I'll be here cause you're all that I got.
"That sucks. So now you're out of the band for messing with the money behind it?"
"So it would seem. It was either that or take him out. I guess that Josh and Ernie decided that wouldn't be too swift."
"Taking you out was less swift-the band will go down shit creek without you." Dean said in determination.
"Somehow, I think they'll survive. But you're right, Dean. No one was as committed body and soul to that band as I was. Sure, Jack had the money and the advertising connections. I had the love of music. They know it too, but they probably figure they don't need heart and soul to sell well and make money."
"They're stupid fuckers, don't. . . let. . .it. . .you fought with April over that too, didn't you?" he said, trailing off at the look on my face.
"Yeah. I accused her of being happy about it because now she wouldn't have to nag me about never being home." I said miserably.
"Harsh, man. Real harsh."
"Give me another beer so I don't have to be constantly reminded of that. Christ, she threw the fucking ring I gave her at my feet when I did that, right before I stormed out. I was engaged for half a day! How pathetic is that? Where's my beer?" I asked.
Dean shook his head.
"Nope. I'm cutting you off. You're too worked up, buddy. Maybe another time."
"A real friend would let his friend get shitfaced." I said sourly.
"I'm sure. How about you occupy yourself with the eye candy that just walked in over there?" he said, and pointed to a woman who obviously held more than attention of just Dean.
"Girlfriend." I said pointedly.
"Like that ever stopped you before."
"If you hadn't bought me two beers, I'd take a swing at you for that."
"No you fucking wouldn't because I've kicked your puny ass before. There's nothing wrong with looking-you're not fucking Jesus, ya know."
The woman, either oblivious to or ignoring the stares and catcalls that she was receiving, strolled over to the counter just then. She leaned on the polished wood and waved Dean over.
"Rum and coke on the rocks," she yelled over the music.
"Sure thing, um. . ."
"Maureen."
"Alrighty then, Miss Maureen, coming right up."
"You're such a fucking ladies' man," I muttered when he came close enough.
"Fuck off, it's not my fault you're not as sexy as I am," he replied, and went about making her rum and coke.
I rolled my eyes heavenward, and then glanced over to see Maureen sit down on the bar stool next to me.
"Let me guess. Bored, angry, or both." Maureen said as she turned to face me.
"What?"
"There aren't too many reasons why a guy would come to a bar and drink at four in the afternoon. It's either got to be because you're bored, angry, or both," she stated.
"Your perceptiveness astounds me. I'm angry, so consider yourself right." I said, and slapped some money down on the counter for Dean.
"I'm out!" I yelled over the so-called punk/ska music being played by the band called Ass Over Teacup.
"Later, dude!" Dean waved from the other side of the bar where he was talking to yet another beautiful woman.
"Excuse me," I muttered as I squeezed in between mine and Maureen's chairs to get out of the bar.
"Hey! One thing!" she called after me.
"Yeah?"
"Just tell her you love her, and then take her to dinner. It'll turn out fine." Maureen said, giving me a knowing look saying that guys were assholes who had to be told how to treat their girlfriends.
She wasn't too far from the truth.
"Thanks," I said, and then turned and left.
(April's POV)
I can't feel the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored.
Ever have those moments where time stops and then you start to argue with yourself? Sort of like those cartoons where the angel and the devil inside you appear on opposite shoulders and start to debate whether you should go through with what you're about to do. I was in the middle of one of those moments. Here I was, sitting there with Mark, and part of me wanted so badly to be in his arms. Not necessarily in a sexual sense, but in the sense of wanting to feel loved and cared about. It wasn't fair. There was no way that I could get out of this unscathed, without fucking up in some way. But then there was Roger. He was beautiful in his anger, and he had his moments. He was loving and caring, and raw to touch when he was high. He could cut me deep but sew me back up with those musicians' hands of his. I loved him with every fiber that made me up, but at the same time I knew I couldn't take much more of this. I had to be reasonable though. The actual hardcore fighting started two days ago. Before it was just a buildup. Maybe the worst was over, maybe we could start anew. . . and maybe I was royalty and, like Anastasia, didn't know it.
Time won't tell, don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored.
"You want to forgive Roger, don't you?" Mark asked me, interrupting my thoughts.
I looked down at him. He was sitting against the bed, I was crouched over him. Sitting down comfortably next to him, I replied,
"Yes. I do, I always do. There are no questions there. But with forgiveness comes new trust and a new chance for him to break my heart. I don't want to chance that, but he's the best thing that's ever happened to me as of yet. I'd have to forgive myself first, though."
"Forgive yourself?" Mark asked questioningly.
I sighed. "Yeah. I've never been a very forgiving person. I don't give second chances, but at the same time, I don't ask for them. It sorta goes hand in hand with the fact that I hate to ask for help and I hate to cry. I see it as a sort of weakness- but only in myself. Never in anyone else. Maybe I was born with an extra male chromosome. . ."
Now, hear me out now!
You're gonna listen to me, like it or not, right now!
Hear me out now!
You're gonna listen to me, like it or not, right now.
Mark nodded, and put an arm around me.
"So you're saying that you'd have to forgive yourself for forgiving Roger? Because it's almost like a sign. . ."
"Of weakness." I finished for him.
"April, you're anything but weak. Do you have any idea what I see when I look at you? What Roger sees when he looks at you?"
I shook my head. I honestly couldn't see anything that could make someone fall in love with me the way either man had.
"You're beautiful. You're caring, you're loving, and the world lights up whenever you smile." Mark said slowly, as if he were trying to get me to grasp his meaning fully.
"Stop being so nice to me. I don't deserve it."
"Sure you do. Besides, I'm Mark, the nice guy. . . I roll with it and take it however it's given to me."
"In other words, life plants its oversized foot up your ass daily." I said candidly.
Mark grimaced at the thought. "Yeah, just a little."
I leaned my head against his shoulder and sighed.
"Think it'll ever get any better for any of us?"
Mark looked up at me in surprise. "What do you mean?"
I mean, I thought in my head, will Roger and I ever get off heroin? Will I ever mean more to anyone than a good lay? Will I be able to ignore Mark forever? A bunch of questions crowded my head, none of which I could bring myself to say aloud.
"I just mean.well."
And at that moment, our eyes met. They were fused together by time and hope. It was anything to just get out of this hell we were living, and at that moment, I knew we had found it. Mark's concerned brown eyes burned into my clouded green ones, and I felt myself falling.just falling. But for some reason, the rock bottom that I could have sworn I was just inches from hitting never came. Instead I found my lips falling slowly towards Mark's, and every second I didn't kiss him was agony as I had never felt before.
I can't feel the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored..
"April." he whispered huskily as a hand trailed down my cheek and stayed on my neck. He brought me closer until I could feel his breath on my cheek.
"I.Mark, I." I started but suddenly stopped as I heard the sound of the loft door opening and heard Roger enter the loft.
We broke away quickly and Mark leaped a few feet away from me with a regretful look on his face. Roger strode into Mark's room and dropped instantly to his knees in front of me.
"April, baby, please, just for a second, listen to me."
I tried hard to make my face stone cold and impassive.
"I suppose so."
"I'm a fuck-up. I know I am and dammit if I wish I could change. You'll never know how sorry I am for the things I said to you for the past.while. And I know there's only so many times I can apologize and beg for forgiveness. But I'd die without you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. You're the light that warms my heart and keeps me from freezing to death every day. You're the smile that makes me feel like I could die happy just staring at it and feeling the love in it." he said sincerely, his eyes hopeful.
Time won't tell, don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored.
"Roger," I interrupted, "How long am I supposed to forgive and forget? How long am I supposed to pretend that the things you said to me never existed? What reason can you give me to forgive you again?"
He took my hands in his and kissed each fingertip on each hand.
"Like I said- I'm a fuck-up. I can't remember a single day in my life where I didn't screw something up whether it be my grades, you, a friendship, or the dishes! But I'm your fuck-up. And I can't live without you. Please, April, put the ring back on and hold me in your arms again. I couldn't bear to feel the light fading from your eyes, to know it fades in my heart. I don't ever want that to happen, and being with you is a surefire way to make sure it doesn't."
I took one look at him, and glanced at Mark over my shoulder.
"Go," he mouthed. "Take him back."
Mark looked so sad and hang-dog, but at the same time, he was doing this for me. I loved Roger, even though I was a little unsure about how it would work out. Mark had been right. I didn't want to be let off the hook- it just might give the notion that I could run away for the rest of my life.
"Alright Roger." I said, and slipped the ring on my finger.
Roger's face broke into a huge smile.
"I swear, you'll never regret it."
"I hope not." I replied, but then added, "Oh come here, you!"
And as our lips met in a kiss, I couldn't help but wonder if this would last.
I can't feel the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored!