Chapter 11- Finally
Hey everyone! Thanks for reading, I am so incredibly psyched I started updating again, and now I'm on a roll! Ok, nothing new to say, so here's the new chapter! Also, Letters To You will be making a comeback because I FINALLY found a co-author- Amy (Hammergirl!) yay! That'll be coming up when ABH and her story, Don't Breathe Too Deep, are both finished. Song for this chapter is Denial Revisited, by The Offspring. Sorry for the shortness, but this is more of a filler chapter needed to get to the juicier stuff.
(April's POV)
So, here we go
Having the same old fight again
There she goes
Same old game that never ends...
I didn't stay in the doorway long enough to watch Roger disappear into the distance. Instead, I sat on the floor, strangely calm. When Maureen had passed me in the stairwell on her way out, she looked at me haughtily and had said,
"Tell Marky that I couldn't make it."
Marky...when the fuck had that started? She barely knew him...no one knew him, it seemed. Did I even know him? I wanted to...so badly, suddenly. I glanced toward his bedroom door. Just two weeks ago, I charged at that door in an attempt to get him to let me in. I needed him to let me in. I thought about the idea that Mark and Maureen might go out sometime. Maureen was pretty enough, and definitely vivacious. But, in the inner reaches of my mind, I knew I'd be damned before I saw the day where Maureen would be the object of Mark's desire. I had been the object of his desire...for longer than I knew, probably. Why did it seem all of a sudden that he was now the object of mine? This morning, when I tripped and accidentally kissed him...I had felt a fuse so strong, so explosive, that I could have been knocked on my ass. I slowly got up and walked to Mark's room. He lay on his bed asleep, his blond hair falling boyishly over his forehead. I looked down at him, and smiled. I kneeled next to the bed, wondering if I was going to do what I thought I was about to do. I could still almost hear Roger's footsteps echoing away down the stairwell of my consciousness, and yet that didn't seem to matter anymore...
If I could say all the right words
I know how I could make you stay...
Suddenly, Mark opened his blue eyes and was staring at me from his position on the bed.
"April? What's going on?" he mumbled sleepily.
"Roger left again." I said tonelessly.
Mark sat straight up in bed.
"What happened?"
I briefly explained the situation to him, ending with Maureen leaving, mine and Roger's fight, and Roger leaving. Mark shook his head slowly and made sympathetic noises the whole time. I felt awful, keeping most of the truth of how this all came about to him...but he couldn't know! No one could...I wasn't ready to admit to myself that I was sick, never mind the rest of the world.
If I could say all the right words
Things would work out alright...
"So Roger walked out again?"
"Yeah," I said, "He left a few minutes ago."
"Some birthday party."
"You know, I was thinking the same thing myself a few minutes ago." I laughed.
"You don't seem too horribly distressed about all of this." Mark commented.
I thought for a moment. I had been before, but this strange calm had come over me, like a gentle breeze in the middle of a humid day. Was this really happening? Were these feelings really rising to the surface? I could feel the resurgence of the life force in my veins just looking at him...
And if you go
I won't believe that its forever...
"I was," I confessed, "But...ugh, Mark, I can't do this!"
Mark looked puzzled. "Do what?"
"This!" I said. "I can't keep myself from ignoring you! It's not right, not fair! I know you may have an interest in Maureen..."
"Not so much anymore."
"But when I tell you I'm jealous of any possibilities between you two, it's no word of a lie!"
Mark gazed at me for a moment. Then, he took my hands in his. As he did so, I felt all the hair rise on the back of my neck; I could feel his pulse through his thumb. I couldn't recall ever feeling this way about anyone at any time in my life...not even Roger.
"April, don't think I don't understand. Part of my loving you has also been part torturous knowledge that you'll never be mine. But you have Roger, and as much as I would love to sweep you off your feet, Roger is my best friend. I will not betray him...I can't. He loves you too much..."
And you can go
But I'll never leave, cause it's not over...
"Don't say that." I said softly.
"Goddammit, April! What more can I say? The boy loves you! He always has, he always will! I will not risk our friendship and I will not let you risk your relationship all for the sake of a minor lovesick man's fantasies!" he fairly shouted.
My eyes started to well up, but I defiantly fought back tears.
"Is that what you think? That your love is a minor fantasy? What happened to loving me more everyday? Where did that go, Mark? When was the last time Roger really treated me right? He can apologize a million times but it's never too long before he rips me to shreds again!"
Replay last night
Talking it out don't make it right...
"April, we can't..."
"I am so goddamned sick of trying to tell myself and have you tell me what we should or should not do!" I burst out.
And then I took his face in my hands and pressed my lips to his. It was long and sweet and so pure that the lies I had told seemed to vanish into the mist that was rapidly filling my brain. Mark seemed stunned at first, but a few seconds later, his fingers were running through my hair and his mouth was opening slightly. This was new and wonderful, this was amazing. I could barely feel myself lifting off of the floor as Mark pulled me into bed with him. His small moans came soft and slow, and my body trembled under his touch. This was what we needed, this was the core of all of it- not sexual aggression, not physical pleasure- but bliss. Pure, unadulterated bliss. And as all thoughts of Roger, AIDS, The Man, and Maureen melted away inside the heat we had created, I knew I had found a better heaven.
I know she's tried
But my whole world is her
And all I got now...
(Roger's POV)
Hours later, I was slightly tipsy, but nowhere near as drunk as Maia. Guilt had taken over me, and as the shots came my way, I started to pretend to tank it, but would really hand it over to Maia. She was too drunk to notice.
And if you go
I won't believe that it's forever...
"I'm going to get going." I said for the fifth time in the past four hours.
"Aw, come on, you wanker, stay a little longer!" Maia slurred.
"No, really, I ought to be going." I insisted.
"Fine," she said drunkenly, "Be a bloody party pooper. See if I...oh fuck wank bugger shitting arsehead and hole!" she swore profusely as she dropped another drink on herself.
"Nice meeting you, Maia." I said, shaking her hand gingerly.
I waved to Dean, and then left the bar. As I ambled down the street, I could still feel the techno music pounding through my head.
"I need some fucking Advil." I muttered as I walked back to the loft.
As I approached the loft, I started to get nervous. What if she was gone? What if she had just had enough and left, like the other girls had? She wouldn't though...we were going to get married and have kids and grow old together and die together...she wouldn't leave...even though I sure as hell was good at it. Taking a deep breath, I opened the door to the loft.
I won't let go
Even if she says that it's over
I know it'll be different this time
If you'd just stay...
I walked quietly into the loft. April and Mark were sitting on the couch watching TV- some Spanish soap opera- and they were trying to figure out what was going on.
"Oh Roderigo!" April cried dramatically, "I love you so much that I'm going to screw another woman to prove it to you!"
"Te quiero, mi amore! I am Rico Suave! I come with my Spanish penis full of Spanish sperm to impregnate you with my love child. " Mark said jokingly.
"Hey, guys." I said quietly.
"Hey, babe." April said in an oddly cheery tone.
"What's up?" Mark asked. "You seem a little tipsy."
"Alcohol will do that to you." I answered. "What are you guys doing?"
"Watching Spanish soap operas. We think that Marcella is a lesbian cheating on Roderigo but she can't bear to leave him, and Rick Suave is screwing anything with a vagina." April said.
"Do you understand anything that's going on?" I wanted to know.
"Nope." Mark said.
"It's fun to make it up though." April said.
I sat down on the couch next to April and put my arms around her. Surprisingly, she didn't pull away. There was something definitely wrong here. I had expected to come home to anger and unshed tears; possibly even an empty apartment- but not this.
And when we wrote this story
How did it end...
"Are you okay?" I asked her tentatively.
"Couldn't be better." April said distractedly.
Finally I took her face in my hands and made her look at me.
"When I left a few hours ago, we were fighting and screaming at each other. Now I come home expecting to find you upset and angry and instead you're watching TV acting like nothing happened. What's the deal? Am I supposed to figure this out?"
April jerked her head away.
"Stop it, Roger. I'm trying to just move on. You were a jerk, but I'm not going to pursue it any farther. I think we should just let it blow over."
Sighing, I turned back and let her keep watching TV. What the hell was going on? This wasn't normal. There was something wrong, I could feel it...
It was you and me
For all our lives...
"I'm going to take a nap." I announced.
"Ok, babe. I'll see you in a bit?" April asked, pecking me on the lips.
"Yeah...in a bit." I said.
"Later, Roger." Mark said.
And then I walked into my bedroom and flopped on my bed. Within seconds, exhaustion overtook me, and I was asleep.
Come on, don't say it
We'll try again
And if I'd just hold you
We could last...
(Mark's POV)
As I watched Roger stalk off to the bedroom, I felt an almost overwhelming sense of guilt.
"Do you think he knows?" I whispered to April.
"No," she whispered back, "He would have said something. He just thinks I'm still pissed."
"Aren't you?"
"Not really, just sick of all the bullshit. Besides..." she hesitated.
"What is it?" I asked.
"I think I'm going to leave him," she said in a rush.
My eyes widened and my jaw almost dropped in disbelief.
"You are? For good? Why?"
April snorted. "Don't act like you don't know. All the fights, lies...hurtful words that won't go away. We're both guilty of it. It'd probably be best for both of us if we just broke it off."
But she stands softly
Tears down her face...
I sighed. "We couldn't be together. I hope you know that."
"Why not?"
"Why not? April, think for a second! If you leave him for me, then he'll know about everything. It will ruin our friendship permanently!"
"He'd get over it!" April insisted.
"Maybe he'd get over you, but not what happened! And to be honest, I'm not sure that he'd get over you- he wants to spend the rest of his goddamned life with you!"
April sighed. "I don't even know if I could do it. It's not that I don't care for him...I do, but...oh, I don't know."
I gave her an odd look. "Don't know what? If you really want to leave, how hard can it be to just leave?"
April threw up her hands in frustration. "Mark, you've never had a serious relationship! What the hell could you possibly understand? Things are so much more complicated than they seem, especially when you have to tell someone you've been with for a while that you don't want to spend forever with them. Don't lecture me about how much he cares- in his own way, he does. I know he does, and I know I care too. That's why this is hard. You're his best friend- you don't want to see him hurt. Well guess what- neither do I, Mark...neither do I."
Hitting me, oh god
This is the end...
I drew April against me. "If he ever catches on, he will get hurt. We can stop. This doesn't have to happen again. I'll leave it up to you- all of it."
"All of what?" she asked confusedly.
"The entire...affair, if you will. What to do with my heart...just, please...be gentle, whatever you do." I said softly.
She looked at me then. It seemed like she was searching through my eyes for...something. Whatever it was, I just hoped she found it there.
"I don't want to end it. I don't want to be a bitch and have two relationships at the same time, but I need to figure out what I want." April said finally.
"What, so you're going to fuck two guys at once while 'deciding what you want'?" I asked bitterly.
"In a word, yes. Just not so heartless." April said "I don't want to hurt anyone."
"You already have...in so many ways, you already have." I replied. "It's only a matter of time before you turn the cuts into scars."
I'd wait here for you
But there's nothing more now I can do
How did you know...
April sighed. "I don't want to think about it right now. I'm with you right now, and just sitting here with you has made me feel more at ease than I've felt in almost a month. I..."
I put a finger on her lips and shushed her.
"Don't need to say anymore, then, do you?" I asked.
And then I leaned forward and kissed her. It was soft and slow, and impassioned in ways that no one else would be able to understand. We made love on the couch that night, unaware and uncaring that Roger...my best friend, her fiancé, was sleeping fitfully in a room just two feet away...wondering what the hell had happened to the love of his life.
How did you know
How did you know
Finally...
Hey everyone! Thanks for reading, I am so incredibly psyched I started updating again, and now I'm on a roll! Ok, nothing new to say, so here's the new chapter! Also, Letters To You will be making a comeback because I FINALLY found a co-author- Amy (Hammergirl!) yay! That'll be coming up when ABH and her story, Don't Breathe Too Deep, are both finished. Song for this chapter is Denial Revisited, by The Offspring. Sorry for the shortness, but this is more of a filler chapter needed to get to the juicier stuff.
(April's POV)
So, here we go
Having the same old fight again
There she goes
Same old game that never ends...
I didn't stay in the doorway long enough to watch Roger disappear into the distance. Instead, I sat on the floor, strangely calm. When Maureen had passed me in the stairwell on her way out, she looked at me haughtily and had said,
"Tell Marky that I couldn't make it."
Marky...when the fuck had that started? She barely knew him...no one knew him, it seemed. Did I even know him? I wanted to...so badly, suddenly. I glanced toward his bedroom door. Just two weeks ago, I charged at that door in an attempt to get him to let me in. I needed him to let me in. I thought about the idea that Mark and Maureen might go out sometime. Maureen was pretty enough, and definitely vivacious. But, in the inner reaches of my mind, I knew I'd be damned before I saw the day where Maureen would be the object of Mark's desire. I had been the object of his desire...for longer than I knew, probably. Why did it seem all of a sudden that he was now the object of mine? This morning, when I tripped and accidentally kissed him...I had felt a fuse so strong, so explosive, that I could have been knocked on my ass. I slowly got up and walked to Mark's room. He lay on his bed asleep, his blond hair falling boyishly over his forehead. I looked down at him, and smiled. I kneeled next to the bed, wondering if I was going to do what I thought I was about to do. I could still almost hear Roger's footsteps echoing away down the stairwell of my consciousness, and yet that didn't seem to matter anymore...
If I could say all the right words
I know how I could make you stay...
Suddenly, Mark opened his blue eyes and was staring at me from his position on the bed.
"April? What's going on?" he mumbled sleepily.
"Roger left again." I said tonelessly.
Mark sat straight up in bed.
"What happened?"
I briefly explained the situation to him, ending with Maureen leaving, mine and Roger's fight, and Roger leaving. Mark shook his head slowly and made sympathetic noises the whole time. I felt awful, keeping most of the truth of how this all came about to him...but he couldn't know! No one could...I wasn't ready to admit to myself that I was sick, never mind the rest of the world.
If I could say all the right words
Things would work out alright...
"So Roger walked out again?"
"Yeah," I said, "He left a few minutes ago."
"Some birthday party."
"You know, I was thinking the same thing myself a few minutes ago." I laughed.
"You don't seem too horribly distressed about all of this." Mark commented.
I thought for a moment. I had been before, but this strange calm had come over me, like a gentle breeze in the middle of a humid day. Was this really happening? Were these feelings really rising to the surface? I could feel the resurgence of the life force in my veins just looking at him...
And if you go
I won't believe that its forever...
"I was," I confessed, "But...ugh, Mark, I can't do this!"
Mark looked puzzled. "Do what?"
"This!" I said. "I can't keep myself from ignoring you! It's not right, not fair! I know you may have an interest in Maureen..."
"Not so much anymore."
"But when I tell you I'm jealous of any possibilities between you two, it's no word of a lie!"
Mark gazed at me for a moment. Then, he took my hands in his. As he did so, I felt all the hair rise on the back of my neck; I could feel his pulse through his thumb. I couldn't recall ever feeling this way about anyone at any time in my life...not even Roger.
"April, don't think I don't understand. Part of my loving you has also been part torturous knowledge that you'll never be mine. But you have Roger, and as much as I would love to sweep you off your feet, Roger is my best friend. I will not betray him...I can't. He loves you too much..."
And you can go
But I'll never leave, cause it's not over...
"Don't say that." I said softly.
"Goddammit, April! What more can I say? The boy loves you! He always has, he always will! I will not risk our friendship and I will not let you risk your relationship all for the sake of a minor lovesick man's fantasies!" he fairly shouted.
My eyes started to well up, but I defiantly fought back tears.
"Is that what you think? That your love is a minor fantasy? What happened to loving me more everyday? Where did that go, Mark? When was the last time Roger really treated me right? He can apologize a million times but it's never too long before he rips me to shreds again!"
Replay last night
Talking it out don't make it right...
"April, we can't..."
"I am so goddamned sick of trying to tell myself and have you tell me what we should or should not do!" I burst out.
And then I took his face in my hands and pressed my lips to his. It was long and sweet and so pure that the lies I had told seemed to vanish into the mist that was rapidly filling my brain. Mark seemed stunned at first, but a few seconds later, his fingers were running through my hair and his mouth was opening slightly. This was new and wonderful, this was amazing. I could barely feel myself lifting off of the floor as Mark pulled me into bed with him. His small moans came soft and slow, and my body trembled under his touch. This was what we needed, this was the core of all of it- not sexual aggression, not physical pleasure- but bliss. Pure, unadulterated bliss. And as all thoughts of Roger, AIDS, The Man, and Maureen melted away inside the heat we had created, I knew I had found a better heaven.
I know she's tried
But my whole world is her
And all I got now...
(Roger's POV)
Hours later, I was slightly tipsy, but nowhere near as drunk as Maia. Guilt had taken over me, and as the shots came my way, I started to pretend to tank it, but would really hand it over to Maia. She was too drunk to notice.
And if you go
I won't believe that it's forever...
"I'm going to get going." I said for the fifth time in the past four hours.
"Aw, come on, you wanker, stay a little longer!" Maia slurred.
"No, really, I ought to be going." I insisted.
"Fine," she said drunkenly, "Be a bloody party pooper. See if I...oh fuck wank bugger shitting arsehead and hole!" she swore profusely as she dropped another drink on herself.
"Nice meeting you, Maia." I said, shaking her hand gingerly.
I waved to Dean, and then left the bar. As I ambled down the street, I could still feel the techno music pounding through my head.
"I need some fucking Advil." I muttered as I walked back to the loft.
As I approached the loft, I started to get nervous. What if she was gone? What if she had just had enough and left, like the other girls had? She wouldn't though...we were going to get married and have kids and grow old together and die together...she wouldn't leave...even though I sure as hell was good at it. Taking a deep breath, I opened the door to the loft.
I won't let go
Even if she says that it's over
I know it'll be different this time
If you'd just stay...
I walked quietly into the loft. April and Mark were sitting on the couch watching TV- some Spanish soap opera- and they were trying to figure out what was going on.
"Oh Roderigo!" April cried dramatically, "I love you so much that I'm going to screw another woman to prove it to you!"
"Te quiero, mi amore! I am Rico Suave! I come with my Spanish penis full of Spanish sperm to impregnate you with my love child. " Mark said jokingly.
"Hey, guys." I said quietly.
"Hey, babe." April said in an oddly cheery tone.
"What's up?" Mark asked. "You seem a little tipsy."
"Alcohol will do that to you." I answered. "What are you guys doing?"
"Watching Spanish soap operas. We think that Marcella is a lesbian cheating on Roderigo but she can't bear to leave him, and Rick Suave is screwing anything with a vagina." April said.
"Do you understand anything that's going on?" I wanted to know.
"Nope." Mark said.
"It's fun to make it up though." April said.
I sat down on the couch next to April and put my arms around her. Surprisingly, she didn't pull away. There was something definitely wrong here. I had expected to come home to anger and unshed tears; possibly even an empty apartment- but not this.
And when we wrote this story
How did it end...
"Are you okay?" I asked her tentatively.
"Couldn't be better." April said distractedly.
Finally I took her face in my hands and made her look at me.
"When I left a few hours ago, we were fighting and screaming at each other. Now I come home expecting to find you upset and angry and instead you're watching TV acting like nothing happened. What's the deal? Am I supposed to figure this out?"
April jerked her head away.
"Stop it, Roger. I'm trying to just move on. You were a jerk, but I'm not going to pursue it any farther. I think we should just let it blow over."
Sighing, I turned back and let her keep watching TV. What the hell was going on? This wasn't normal. There was something wrong, I could feel it...
It was you and me
For all our lives...
"I'm going to take a nap." I announced.
"Ok, babe. I'll see you in a bit?" April asked, pecking me on the lips.
"Yeah...in a bit." I said.
"Later, Roger." Mark said.
And then I walked into my bedroom and flopped on my bed. Within seconds, exhaustion overtook me, and I was asleep.
Come on, don't say it
We'll try again
And if I'd just hold you
We could last...
(Mark's POV)
As I watched Roger stalk off to the bedroom, I felt an almost overwhelming sense of guilt.
"Do you think he knows?" I whispered to April.
"No," she whispered back, "He would have said something. He just thinks I'm still pissed."
"Aren't you?"
"Not really, just sick of all the bullshit. Besides..." she hesitated.
"What is it?" I asked.
"I think I'm going to leave him," she said in a rush.
My eyes widened and my jaw almost dropped in disbelief.
"You are? For good? Why?"
April snorted. "Don't act like you don't know. All the fights, lies...hurtful words that won't go away. We're both guilty of it. It'd probably be best for both of us if we just broke it off."
But she stands softly
Tears down her face...
I sighed. "We couldn't be together. I hope you know that."
"Why not?"
"Why not? April, think for a second! If you leave him for me, then he'll know about everything. It will ruin our friendship permanently!"
"He'd get over it!" April insisted.
"Maybe he'd get over you, but not what happened! And to be honest, I'm not sure that he'd get over you- he wants to spend the rest of his goddamned life with you!"
April sighed. "I don't even know if I could do it. It's not that I don't care for him...I do, but...oh, I don't know."
I gave her an odd look. "Don't know what? If you really want to leave, how hard can it be to just leave?"
April threw up her hands in frustration. "Mark, you've never had a serious relationship! What the hell could you possibly understand? Things are so much more complicated than they seem, especially when you have to tell someone you've been with for a while that you don't want to spend forever with them. Don't lecture me about how much he cares- in his own way, he does. I know he does, and I know I care too. That's why this is hard. You're his best friend- you don't want to see him hurt. Well guess what- neither do I, Mark...neither do I."
Hitting me, oh god
This is the end...
I drew April against me. "If he ever catches on, he will get hurt. We can stop. This doesn't have to happen again. I'll leave it up to you- all of it."
"All of what?" she asked confusedly.
"The entire...affair, if you will. What to do with my heart...just, please...be gentle, whatever you do." I said softly.
She looked at me then. It seemed like she was searching through my eyes for...something. Whatever it was, I just hoped she found it there.
"I don't want to end it. I don't want to be a bitch and have two relationships at the same time, but I need to figure out what I want." April said finally.
"What, so you're going to fuck two guys at once while 'deciding what you want'?" I asked bitterly.
"In a word, yes. Just not so heartless." April said "I don't want to hurt anyone."
"You already have...in so many ways, you already have." I replied. "It's only a matter of time before you turn the cuts into scars."
I'd wait here for you
But there's nothing more now I can do
How did you know...
April sighed. "I don't want to think about it right now. I'm with you right now, and just sitting here with you has made me feel more at ease than I've felt in almost a month. I..."
I put a finger on her lips and shushed her.
"Don't need to say anymore, then, do you?" I asked.
And then I leaned forward and kissed her. It was soft and slow, and impassioned in ways that no one else would be able to understand. We made love on the couch that night, unaware and uncaring that Roger...my best friend, her fiancé, was sleeping fitfully in a room just two feet away...wondering what the hell had happened to the love of his life.
How did you know
How did you know
Finally...