Hey to all my loyal ABH fans! Sorry, again, for the long update...again. Work and summer reading are bitches, but I have prevailed! Mucho kudos goes out to my favorite and best reviewer, Amy! Song for this chapter is Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton. The part of the chapter where a certain apology takes place is dedicated to my boyfriend, Elliot- I adore you, and maybe I can write my apologies to you better this way than saying it in words. Please forgive me.
Chapter 13- Love Light
(Mark's POV)
[It's late in the evening
She's wondering what clothes to wear
She puts on her makeup
And brushes her long blond hair...]
I lay there, with April in my arms, hoping for an answer to the question I had just popped. I couldn't believe it- I had committed the ultimate act of betrayal, and yet, I felt wonderful. The chance that this girl, this extraordinary creation, could be mine was exhilarating. April was sitting there, staring at me. She looked dreamy and dazed, like she had just woken up from a spell-induced sleep.
"Marry you...I don't know what to say, Mark..." April said slowly.
She trailed off and began staring into space again. There were so many things I wanted to say to her, like how much I loved her, and how she'd never understand how much, because it was like someone had opened my eyes and showed me the world when I first kissed her. I wanted to tell her that I'd be a kinder, gentler lover, and that I would never let anything get in the way of our life together. That Roger...
Roger...my best friend. My buddy, my pal...my life preserver. The guy who was always there to induce me to leave real life for a while, but knew just how to jerk my chain right back down to earth again. Could I really do this to him? But as I lay there with my dream girl in my arms, and reminded myself of all that had happened in the past while... and knew I couldn't let this go. My one chance at happiness- there was no way I could let it slip past me so easily...
"Mark," April started, and my heart leapt into my throat.
I couldn't let her turn me down, she couldn't say no! I knew what she wanted; she said so herself- that she couldn't ignore me any longer!
"April," I interrupted, my heart pounding wildly, "Please, let me give you true happiness! I can do it, I know I can! I'm not Roger- I won't go out and stay out late, I won't let work become my life...we wouldn't fight nearly as much! I've loved you longer than I thought possible and with more force each day, so please..."
"Yes." April cut in, slowly and deliberately.
"April, don't do this! You don't have to worry about Roger or what will happen, we can take this one day at a time and...what?"
"Yes. Mark, I said yes, I'll marry you."
[And then she asks me, 'Do I look alright?'
And Isay, 'Yes, you look wonderful tonight'...]
My jaw dropped, and I tried to hold myself together as April sat up, clasped her arms about my shoulders, and kissed me deeply. As I kissed her back, I couldn't help but hoping that this moment would never die.
"Really?" I whispered when she was done kissing me.
"Really," she whispered back. "I've never been more sure of anything in my life. You're it, Mark- you're the one I'm meant to be with."
"What about Roger?" I asked gently.
April drew away for a moment, and I could see her eyes shut down and her heart close in on itself.
"I don't want to think about that now. Please, Mark, don't make me. I'll think of something...but right now, I just want to think about you and me. Is that ok?"
"I can't think of any other way I'd rather have it," I told her truthfully, and grinned. "So, let's go!"
April looked stunned. "Go where?"
"Get married, of course! Why wait? Let's do it today!" I said excitedly, my mind full of ideas, each more wonderful than before.
"But Mark, I don't have a ring, or a dress, or flowers..."
I took her face in my hands and looked into her eyes. "Does that really matter?" I asked seriously.
April sighed. "Well, no, but..."
"But what?"
"I'd always had this idea in my head of how I wanted my wedding to be. I wanted a gorgeous dress with my hair and nails all pretty. I wanted flowers to walk down the aisle with- tiger lilies. I wanted to be surrounded by my family and friends, and to have a wonderful party afterward where I could celebrate the happiest day of my life with everyone I cared about. I wanted my Daddy to walk me down the aisle while my Mom waited smilingly in the pews." April said almost longingly, her eyes off in the distance.
I was silent for a moment. April had never spoken of her parents- I knew nothing of where she came from; what her background was. I didn't even know if Roger knew anything about them.
[We go to a party
And everyone turns to see
This beautiful lady
That's walking around with me...]
"Mark, I want to marry you." April continued, "But I don't want to run away and get married like we're ashamed to show the world. If we're going to do it, I want to do it right. And Mark, Roger's your best friend. The fact that I'm leaving him for you is going to be hard enough on him. Imagine how it would be if we left tonight, got married, and came back tomorrow morning and told him. What would we say to him? 'Hey, Roger, I got married this morning- oh, did I mention it was to your best friend?' We can't do that."
"Why do we have to tell him right away? Can't we keep it a secret for a bit? If you want, we can have a ceremony for our families once all of this is cleared up- but right now, I want nothing more than to look into your eyes and call you my wife." I answered honestly.
I took her hands in mine. "Please," I said, "Come on. Run away with me."
Despite my serious tone, April cracked a smile at my last sentence.
"Is that supposed to be some bad pickup line?" she asked. "Cause honestly, I never thought I'd hear anyone say that to me, especially for real."
I laughed. "No, it's not. But I am for real."
April got up and sat on her heels, leaning backward into the arm of the couch. She stared pensively into space for a few moments. Those moments were the longest ones of my life to date.
"Oh, what the hell. Let's do this thing!" April said.
"You're with me?" I asked, jumping from the couch.
"I'm with you!" she cried, and then squealed as I picked her up and swung her around.
"You won't regret this." I said, cupping her face in my hands.
April's smile faded just a little as she answered, "God, I hope not."
(Roger's POV)
[And then she asks me, 'Do you feel alright?'
And I say yes, 'I feel wonderful tonight'...]
I lay sprawled on my bed, ignoring the throbbing in my arm. The cuts from the glass were jagged and deep. They hurt like a bitch, and I knew that I should probably get it checked out. Still, what the fuck was I going to say- that I stabbed myself with glass because I can't handle the thought that my fiancée might be cheating on me with my best friend? I sighed. Christ, who the fuck was I kidding? What reason did I have not to trust either of them? April was the one who had no right to trust me...after all the shit I'd put her through lately. It wouldn't surprise me if she had found someone else. I was so sick of fucking up...but I just didn't know how to stop. Maybe she was right- the band, the drugs, all of it. Even the sex didn't seem as wonderful as it used to- it was almost like she was playing the part; had prerecorded the moans and the 'Oh Roger's beforehand. I couldn't stand the idea of being with her without her. I couldn't take the thought of me without her. I had to think of something...something to show I cared; that I was committed...
That was it! Committed! I'd go and buy her a promise ring. I already had given her an engagement ring (so yeah, I did this backwards), but still...promise rings are special...they add the extra touch. I didn't know what else to do, and I knew my speeches about doing better were getting tiring...maybe I could have something engraved on the inside of the ring for her!
Full of inspiration, I leaped up, letting shards of broken glass fall to the floor with me. Careful not to step on them, I pulled on a jacket. On second thought, I put another one on as so not to let the cuts bleed through. With this new hope, with another shred of optimism to cling on to, I burst out of my room. To my utter dismay, the living room was empty. Mark and April were nowhere to be found.
[I feel wonderful because I see
The love light in your eyes
And the wonder of it all is that
You just don't realize how much I love you...]
With a sinking heart, and the feeling that something wasn't quite right, I decided to make sure they were gone.
"Mark? April?" I called out.
There was no answer. A small piece of paper that was lying on the counter caught my eye. It was a note from Mark:
Roger,
Sorry we left without telling you- April's really upset and needed to talk. We went for a walk- be back whenever, I guess. We'll bring back some Chinese.
I crumpled the note up and tossed it behind me. It landed in the sink, and the ink started to bleed off the thin paper. Before I started to get metaphorical, I grabbed my wallet and left the house. The streets were colder than before, and the dark loomed around me. I walked around until I came to a small jewelry store- the one I had bought April's engagement ring in. The owner greeted me upon my arrival.
"Back again?" he asked me.
"Hey, Mr. Calahan. Yeah, I am."
"Girl didn't like the ring?" Calahan asked me, never taking his eyes off of the gold bracelet he was cleaning.
"She loved it. She probably loves it more than me now, if she even still does." I said miserably.
"Still does what- you or the ring?"
"Either or. I..." I started, and then sat down on the floor, leaning my head against the cool glass counter. "Everything is just so fucked up. I don't know how she feels about me anymore, or if she even still wants to be with me. Sometimes, I even get the idea that she's falling for my best friend. Crazy, huh?"
Mr. Calahan glanced up at me seriously, and put down the bracelet. "Is it? Is the possibility really that far-fetched?"
"God, I hope so!" I exclaimed.
"You're putting faith in the wrong person there, son. God ain't gonna help you win back this girl's heart, especially if it now belongs to someone else. Even more so if you were the one that pushed her in that direction."
"Me? Why would I want April to fall in love with Mark?" I cried out. "I mean, yeah, the guy's lonely and all, but handing him my fiancée on a platter goes beyond my realm of generosity."
Calahan shook his head. "You're not listening son. You need to learn to do that better- to listen, not just hear. That could be part of your problem. Maybe she's been trying to tell you that something is wrong, and that she's unhappy- and maybe you've been hearing her, but not truly listening."
I thought about that for a long moment. Could that really be it? Was I really being just some insensitive asshole? If so, I never meant to. All I wanted was to love her...and feel lucky enough to know that she loved me in return. We were both so young...not that it ever mattered, or like we ever cared. At that second, I felt like someone had taken the blinders off of my eyes and shown me the world. The tears seemed more real; the hurt more painful- and all of it in a flood of emotion that would never seem to cease. But this wasn't getting me anywhere...
"I think you're right." I said softly.
"What was that?" Calahan asked me.
"I said, I think you're right. And I don't think I should have to buy April a promise ring to try to show her how much I care for her. I should have been able to show her that all along. I haven't lately...I need to go." I said, and got up quickly.
As I was about to leave, Calahan called out, "Hey, kid!"
I turned. "Yeah?"
"No one ever said this would be easy," he said.
I nodded. "Thanks."
(April's POV)
[It's time to go home now
I've got an aching head
So I give her the car keys
She helps me to bed...]
I sat in a bathroom stall in the courthouse, blowing my nose and wiping my eyes for the tenth time in five minutes. I couldn't believe it. I was really going to go through with this. I was still as sure as ever...but this had to have been the most emotional and crucial moment of my life. Marry one guy and dump his best friend- no matter which way I chose. Someone would get hurt. I hated hurting people, especially since people I thought were closest to me had hurt me the most.
A few minutes later I was walking down the courtroom aisle toward Mark. The grin on his face was unmatchable, but he looked slightly nervous- almost as if he had thought I wouldn't come back. The Justice had given me a small bouquet of flowers to hold. All the makeup in the world couldn't hide the redness of my eyes. And now, here I was...walking down the aisle to marry Mark Cohen. Not Roger Davis...my real fiancé, my real boyfriend...
I pushed that thought out of my mind as I came up beside Mark. I quietly tucked my hands in his, and the Justice of the Peace began to read the vows under the watchful eyes of the two witnesses- a couple of volunteer secretaries from the courthouse. The ceremony went by quickly, and to this day, I can't remember much. I wasn't nervous at all, but completely taken with the sight of his eyes. And then, suddenly, it was all over.
"With the power vested in me, I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."
And so, gently, Mark leaned forward, cupped my face in his hands, and kissed me- his wife.
"I love you." Mark whispered when he pulled away.
"I love you too." I whispered back.
It was the first time I had ever said that, and the feeling that rose up inside me as we left the courthouse was one of the feelings of purest happiness and bliss that I had ever felt in my entire life. Unfortunately, the plain gold band that Mark had presented me with during the ceremony was removed and stashed in my purse upon reentering the loft. Talk about a honeymoon, huh?
"April, you're back." Roger said when I came in the door.
"Yeah, I am." I said, trying to act as normal as possible.
"Mark, can April and I have a second alone?" Roger asked.
"Sure," Mark said, and then left the room.
Roger sat down on the couch and pulled me down with him.
"Can we talk?" he asked me.
"Sure- what about?" I asked nonchalantly.
"Us. I realize things haven't been going well lately. I realize that most of this has been my fault. And I just wanted to tell you a few things. First off, and most importantly, I'm sorry- I'm sorry, and I love you. You are the world to me, and I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you. I know how I am sometimes, and I know how hard I can be to deal with; how hard to live with I can be. I know I have my faults, as do we all, and that living with them while still loving me can be difficult. Everyday, I hope to hell that you won't stop loving me; that you won't wake up one morning and decide you've had enough. I know you're sick of excuses and justifications. I understand, and I'm sorry. I know there are things I've said and done that I can't take back- things that the hurt still stings every time you think about it. You never deserved any of it, and I will spend the rest of forever making it up to you. You deserve better, and it's almost as if I'm afraid you'll realize that one day- and decide to leave. All I can promise you is boundless love and devotion, which you always have and always will have. I can also promise to try harder to respect the person you are and the needs you have, and to listen more to what you say."
"Roger," I started, afraid that this was going too far. Maybe now was the time to tell him. All I had to do was say it, endure the storm, and then leave...
"Please, let me get this out. We used to be happy together. We still are, but there's distance...and I don't want to grow into a rift. All I want is to see that smile that I love so much on your face again. All I want is to feel your arms around me and know that you put them there because you wanted to hold me. I want to hear you say that you love me, and know that it wasn't forced. Most of all, I want you know how sorry I am- and how, if it's seemed like I've taken you for granted and not taken your feelings in account lately- it won't happen again."
Roger took a deep breath and looked at me expectantly.
"So, April- will you forgive me?"
And then he produced the ring that he had given me a few months ago the night he had asked me to marry him- the one I thrown on the floor just weeks ago when we got into a fight. He hadn't been worth it then, and it didn't seem worth it now. But I wasn't ready for the commotion my sudden announcement would cause. Instead, I chose to run away- the thing I'm best at doing.
"Yes, I will." I said warmly, and put the ring back on my left hand. "I love you, Roger. I do."
And as he pulled me into his familiar embrace, I could see Mark hiding near his bedroom door, pretending not to be listening. It was the telltale tears falling down his cheeks and staining the top of his scarf that made me realize that I was going to hurt more than one person before this was all through.
[And then I tell her
As I turn out the light
I say, 'My darling, you were wonderful tonight.'
'Oh my darling, you were wonderful tonight.']
Chapter 13- Love Light
(Mark's POV)
[It's late in the evening
She's wondering what clothes to wear
She puts on her makeup
And brushes her long blond hair...]
I lay there, with April in my arms, hoping for an answer to the question I had just popped. I couldn't believe it- I had committed the ultimate act of betrayal, and yet, I felt wonderful. The chance that this girl, this extraordinary creation, could be mine was exhilarating. April was sitting there, staring at me. She looked dreamy and dazed, like she had just woken up from a spell-induced sleep.
"Marry you...I don't know what to say, Mark..." April said slowly.
She trailed off and began staring into space again. There were so many things I wanted to say to her, like how much I loved her, and how she'd never understand how much, because it was like someone had opened my eyes and showed me the world when I first kissed her. I wanted to tell her that I'd be a kinder, gentler lover, and that I would never let anything get in the way of our life together. That Roger...
Roger...my best friend. My buddy, my pal...my life preserver. The guy who was always there to induce me to leave real life for a while, but knew just how to jerk my chain right back down to earth again. Could I really do this to him? But as I lay there with my dream girl in my arms, and reminded myself of all that had happened in the past while... and knew I couldn't let this go. My one chance at happiness- there was no way I could let it slip past me so easily...
"Mark," April started, and my heart leapt into my throat.
I couldn't let her turn me down, she couldn't say no! I knew what she wanted; she said so herself- that she couldn't ignore me any longer!
"April," I interrupted, my heart pounding wildly, "Please, let me give you true happiness! I can do it, I know I can! I'm not Roger- I won't go out and stay out late, I won't let work become my life...we wouldn't fight nearly as much! I've loved you longer than I thought possible and with more force each day, so please..."
"Yes." April cut in, slowly and deliberately.
"April, don't do this! You don't have to worry about Roger or what will happen, we can take this one day at a time and...what?"
"Yes. Mark, I said yes, I'll marry you."
[And then she asks me, 'Do I look alright?'
And Isay, 'Yes, you look wonderful tonight'...]
My jaw dropped, and I tried to hold myself together as April sat up, clasped her arms about my shoulders, and kissed me deeply. As I kissed her back, I couldn't help but hoping that this moment would never die.
"Really?" I whispered when she was done kissing me.
"Really," she whispered back. "I've never been more sure of anything in my life. You're it, Mark- you're the one I'm meant to be with."
"What about Roger?" I asked gently.
April drew away for a moment, and I could see her eyes shut down and her heart close in on itself.
"I don't want to think about that now. Please, Mark, don't make me. I'll think of something...but right now, I just want to think about you and me. Is that ok?"
"I can't think of any other way I'd rather have it," I told her truthfully, and grinned. "So, let's go!"
April looked stunned. "Go where?"
"Get married, of course! Why wait? Let's do it today!" I said excitedly, my mind full of ideas, each more wonderful than before.
"But Mark, I don't have a ring, or a dress, or flowers..."
I took her face in my hands and looked into her eyes. "Does that really matter?" I asked seriously.
April sighed. "Well, no, but..."
"But what?"
"I'd always had this idea in my head of how I wanted my wedding to be. I wanted a gorgeous dress with my hair and nails all pretty. I wanted flowers to walk down the aisle with- tiger lilies. I wanted to be surrounded by my family and friends, and to have a wonderful party afterward where I could celebrate the happiest day of my life with everyone I cared about. I wanted my Daddy to walk me down the aisle while my Mom waited smilingly in the pews." April said almost longingly, her eyes off in the distance.
I was silent for a moment. April had never spoken of her parents- I knew nothing of where she came from; what her background was. I didn't even know if Roger knew anything about them.
[We go to a party
And everyone turns to see
This beautiful lady
That's walking around with me...]
"Mark, I want to marry you." April continued, "But I don't want to run away and get married like we're ashamed to show the world. If we're going to do it, I want to do it right. And Mark, Roger's your best friend. The fact that I'm leaving him for you is going to be hard enough on him. Imagine how it would be if we left tonight, got married, and came back tomorrow morning and told him. What would we say to him? 'Hey, Roger, I got married this morning- oh, did I mention it was to your best friend?' We can't do that."
"Why do we have to tell him right away? Can't we keep it a secret for a bit? If you want, we can have a ceremony for our families once all of this is cleared up- but right now, I want nothing more than to look into your eyes and call you my wife." I answered honestly.
I took her hands in mine. "Please," I said, "Come on. Run away with me."
Despite my serious tone, April cracked a smile at my last sentence.
"Is that supposed to be some bad pickup line?" she asked. "Cause honestly, I never thought I'd hear anyone say that to me, especially for real."
I laughed. "No, it's not. But I am for real."
April got up and sat on her heels, leaning backward into the arm of the couch. She stared pensively into space for a few moments. Those moments were the longest ones of my life to date.
"Oh, what the hell. Let's do this thing!" April said.
"You're with me?" I asked, jumping from the couch.
"I'm with you!" she cried, and then squealed as I picked her up and swung her around.
"You won't regret this." I said, cupping her face in my hands.
April's smile faded just a little as she answered, "God, I hope not."
(Roger's POV)
[And then she asks me, 'Do you feel alright?'
And I say yes, 'I feel wonderful tonight'...]
I lay sprawled on my bed, ignoring the throbbing in my arm. The cuts from the glass were jagged and deep. They hurt like a bitch, and I knew that I should probably get it checked out. Still, what the fuck was I going to say- that I stabbed myself with glass because I can't handle the thought that my fiancée might be cheating on me with my best friend? I sighed. Christ, who the fuck was I kidding? What reason did I have not to trust either of them? April was the one who had no right to trust me...after all the shit I'd put her through lately. It wouldn't surprise me if she had found someone else. I was so sick of fucking up...but I just didn't know how to stop. Maybe she was right- the band, the drugs, all of it. Even the sex didn't seem as wonderful as it used to- it was almost like she was playing the part; had prerecorded the moans and the 'Oh Roger's beforehand. I couldn't stand the idea of being with her without her. I couldn't take the thought of me without her. I had to think of something...something to show I cared; that I was committed...
That was it! Committed! I'd go and buy her a promise ring. I already had given her an engagement ring (so yeah, I did this backwards), but still...promise rings are special...they add the extra touch. I didn't know what else to do, and I knew my speeches about doing better were getting tiring...maybe I could have something engraved on the inside of the ring for her!
Full of inspiration, I leaped up, letting shards of broken glass fall to the floor with me. Careful not to step on them, I pulled on a jacket. On second thought, I put another one on as so not to let the cuts bleed through. With this new hope, with another shred of optimism to cling on to, I burst out of my room. To my utter dismay, the living room was empty. Mark and April were nowhere to be found.
[I feel wonderful because I see
The love light in your eyes
And the wonder of it all is that
You just don't realize how much I love you...]
With a sinking heart, and the feeling that something wasn't quite right, I decided to make sure they were gone.
"Mark? April?" I called out.
There was no answer. A small piece of paper that was lying on the counter caught my eye. It was a note from Mark:
Roger,
Sorry we left without telling you- April's really upset and needed to talk. We went for a walk- be back whenever, I guess. We'll bring back some Chinese.
I crumpled the note up and tossed it behind me. It landed in the sink, and the ink started to bleed off the thin paper. Before I started to get metaphorical, I grabbed my wallet and left the house. The streets were colder than before, and the dark loomed around me. I walked around until I came to a small jewelry store- the one I had bought April's engagement ring in. The owner greeted me upon my arrival.
"Back again?" he asked me.
"Hey, Mr. Calahan. Yeah, I am."
"Girl didn't like the ring?" Calahan asked me, never taking his eyes off of the gold bracelet he was cleaning.
"She loved it. She probably loves it more than me now, if she even still does." I said miserably.
"Still does what- you or the ring?"
"Either or. I..." I started, and then sat down on the floor, leaning my head against the cool glass counter. "Everything is just so fucked up. I don't know how she feels about me anymore, or if she even still wants to be with me. Sometimes, I even get the idea that she's falling for my best friend. Crazy, huh?"
Mr. Calahan glanced up at me seriously, and put down the bracelet. "Is it? Is the possibility really that far-fetched?"
"God, I hope so!" I exclaimed.
"You're putting faith in the wrong person there, son. God ain't gonna help you win back this girl's heart, especially if it now belongs to someone else. Even more so if you were the one that pushed her in that direction."
"Me? Why would I want April to fall in love with Mark?" I cried out. "I mean, yeah, the guy's lonely and all, but handing him my fiancée on a platter goes beyond my realm of generosity."
Calahan shook his head. "You're not listening son. You need to learn to do that better- to listen, not just hear. That could be part of your problem. Maybe she's been trying to tell you that something is wrong, and that she's unhappy- and maybe you've been hearing her, but not truly listening."
I thought about that for a long moment. Could that really be it? Was I really being just some insensitive asshole? If so, I never meant to. All I wanted was to love her...and feel lucky enough to know that she loved me in return. We were both so young...not that it ever mattered, or like we ever cared. At that second, I felt like someone had taken the blinders off of my eyes and shown me the world. The tears seemed more real; the hurt more painful- and all of it in a flood of emotion that would never seem to cease. But this wasn't getting me anywhere...
"I think you're right." I said softly.
"What was that?" Calahan asked me.
"I said, I think you're right. And I don't think I should have to buy April a promise ring to try to show her how much I care for her. I should have been able to show her that all along. I haven't lately...I need to go." I said, and got up quickly.
As I was about to leave, Calahan called out, "Hey, kid!"
I turned. "Yeah?"
"No one ever said this would be easy," he said.
I nodded. "Thanks."
(April's POV)
[It's time to go home now
I've got an aching head
So I give her the car keys
She helps me to bed...]
I sat in a bathroom stall in the courthouse, blowing my nose and wiping my eyes for the tenth time in five minutes. I couldn't believe it. I was really going to go through with this. I was still as sure as ever...but this had to have been the most emotional and crucial moment of my life. Marry one guy and dump his best friend- no matter which way I chose. Someone would get hurt. I hated hurting people, especially since people I thought were closest to me had hurt me the most.
A few minutes later I was walking down the courtroom aisle toward Mark. The grin on his face was unmatchable, but he looked slightly nervous- almost as if he had thought I wouldn't come back. The Justice had given me a small bouquet of flowers to hold. All the makeup in the world couldn't hide the redness of my eyes. And now, here I was...walking down the aisle to marry Mark Cohen. Not Roger Davis...my real fiancé, my real boyfriend...
I pushed that thought out of my mind as I came up beside Mark. I quietly tucked my hands in his, and the Justice of the Peace began to read the vows under the watchful eyes of the two witnesses- a couple of volunteer secretaries from the courthouse. The ceremony went by quickly, and to this day, I can't remember much. I wasn't nervous at all, but completely taken with the sight of his eyes. And then, suddenly, it was all over.
"With the power vested in me, I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."
And so, gently, Mark leaned forward, cupped my face in his hands, and kissed me- his wife.
"I love you." Mark whispered when he pulled away.
"I love you too." I whispered back.
It was the first time I had ever said that, and the feeling that rose up inside me as we left the courthouse was one of the feelings of purest happiness and bliss that I had ever felt in my entire life. Unfortunately, the plain gold band that Mark had presented me with during the ceremony was removed and stashed in my purse upon reentering the loft. Talk about a honeymoon, huh?
"April, you're back." Roger said when I came in the door.
"Yeah, I am." I said, trying to act as normal as possible.
"Mark, can April and I have a second alone?" Roger asked.
"Sure," Mark said, and then left the room.
Roger sat down on the couch and pulled me down with him.
"Can we talk?" he asked me.
"Sure- what about?" I asked nonchalantly.
"Us. I realize things haven't been going well lately. I realize that most of this has been my fault. And I just wanted to tell you a few things. First off, and most importantly, I'm sorry- I'm sorry, and I love you. You are the world to me, and I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you. I know how I am sometimes, and I know how hard I can be to deal with; how hard to live with I can be. I know I have my faults, as do we all, and that living with them while still loving me can be difficult. Everyday, I hope to hell that you won't stop loving me; that you won't wake up one morning and decide you've had enough. I know you're sick of excuses and justifications. I understand, and I'm sorry. I know there are things I've said and done that I can't take back- things that the hurt still stings every time you think about it. You never deserved any of it, and I will spend the rest of forever making it up to you. You deserve better, and it's almost as if I'm afraid you'll realize that one day- and decide to leave. All I can promise you is boundless love and devotion, which you always have and always will have. I can also promise to try harder to respect the person you are and the needs you have, and to listen more to what you say."
"Roger," I started, afraid that this was going too far. Maybe now was the time to tell him. All I had to do was say it, endure the storm, and then leave...
"Please, let me get this out. We used to be happy together. We still are, but there's distance...and I don't want to grow into a rift. All I want is to see that smile that I love so much on your face again. All I want is to feel your arms around me and know that you put them there because you wanted to hold me. I want to hear you say that you love me, and know that it wasn't forced. Most of all, I want you know how sorry I am- and how, if it's seemed like I've taken you for granted and not taken your feelings in account lately- it won't happen again."
Roger took a deep breath and looked at me expectantly.
"So, April- will you forgive me?"
And then he produced the ring that he had given me a few months ago the night he had asked me to marry him- the one I thrown on the floor just weeks ago when we got into a fight. He hadn't been worth it then, and it didn't seem worth it now. But I wasn't ready for the commotion my sudden announcement would cause. Instead, I chose to run away- the thing I'm best at doing.
"Yes, I will." I said warmly, and put the ring back on my left hand. "I love you, Roger. I do."
And as he pulled me into his familiar embrace, I could see Mark hiding near his bedroom door, pretending not to be listening. It was the telltale tears falling down his cheeks and staining the top of his scarf that made me realize that I was going to hurt more than one person before this was all through.
[And then I tell her
As I turn out the light
I say, 'My darling, you were wonderful tonight.'
'Oh my darling, you were wonderful tonight.']