Chapter 14- Can't Live This Way
Hey all! Finally, a new chapter ready for all the ABH fans out there! It's close to the end, so stay tuned! Also, sorry for April fans- her POV is more of a monologue than a story this time. It's getting to be the end for her anyway… Song for this chapter is With or Without You, by U2.
(Roger's POV)
See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you…
The next morning dawned bright and golden. I woke up at six to see April standing outside our room on the fire escape. Her red hair fell in waves down her back and she had wrapped herself in a blanket. I could see her shivering slightly in the predawn chill. Slowly, trying not to let her hear me get up, I slid out of bed and pulled on a shirt.
"Good morning" I murmured as I pulled her against me in a hug.
April started, and then pulled away slightly. "Good morning."
"You're up early."
April sighed. "Yeah, I couldn't sleep."
"You seem to be having that problem a lot lately. Maybe it's all those late nights all of a sudden…" I trailed off, not wanting to start another fight.
April huddled further inside of the blanket. "What do you mean?"
"I mean…you've just been sitting up late watching TV a lot more now. I'm just saying maybe you should come to bed earlier. I'm worried about you. You're not yourself lately."
"How can a person be herself when she doesn't feel like she's anyone at all?" April said, almost to herself.
Slight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you…
I turned her so she was facing me, and was surprised to see tears running down her face. I tried to hug her, but she stiffened inside of my embrace.
"Sweetie? What's wrong?" I asked her almost frantically. "Talk to me!"
Instead, April pushed past me into the house, sobbing uncontrollably. I stood there on the fire escape, flabbergasted. What had just happened? I didn't want to wait too long to find out. Purposefully, I strode into the house to find April collapsed on our bed, sobbing like her heart had been broken.
"April, please!" I begged her as I sat down next to her. "Tell me what's going on!"
Instead, she buried her face into my shoulder and cried until I couldn't hear it anymore…only could feel her shoulders shaking with unshed tears. After a while, she stopped, and only softly hiccupped now that the storm was over.
"I can't live this way anymore, Roger…I just can't." she whispered.
"Live what way, babe? Come on- whatever it is you need to say can't really be that bad." I said with a conviction that I couldn't truly feel.
With or without you
With or without you…
"You have no idea…" she said, more to herself than to me, I guessed.
"April…I love you, and I promise that…" I started.
She sprang off the bed at that, her eyes flashing like that of a wild woman.
"Don't say that!" she cried. "Don't you ever say that to me again! I can't take it!"
"Say what?" I asked, puzzled. "Goddammit, April, just tell me what the fuck is going on!"
There was a strained silence, then-
"We can't be together anymore." April whispered in the softest of whispers.
I had started to stand up to go to her, but fell back down at her words. No, no, no…this wasn't what she really wanted to say!
"April…" I said, my voice shaking with barely controlled emotion, "You don't really mean that. You know you don't. I know there's something going on, and that we need to talk- but this isn't what you really want to say! It can't be!"
I could feel myself on the border of desperation, but it didn't seem to change a thing. April was looking at me almost sympathetically.
"I'm sorry, Roger…I really am. But things are so screwed up right now, and we…" she stopped, and then regained her voice, "We've been fighting so much lately. We fight, make up, have sex…then fight, make up…" her voice trailed off.
"I see. So that's it then…after all of our plans…our hopes and dreams for a future together? You're just throwing them away with a 'Sorry Roger', and then you expect me to just nod my head and pretend that it's fine?" I asked her.
Through the storm we reach the shore
You gave it all, but I want more
And I'm waiting for you…
"No…but I wish it were that simple."
"Why? Did I really mean that little to you that you wish I could just hand you your backpack and show you the door? What the hell, April- you're my goddamned fiancée! You can't just end it like this…you can't…please!" I said before the tears broke through the barrier and poured in torrents down my face.
April bit her lip nervously before saying, "Roger…you don't want me. Trust me on this…I don't even want me anymore, and that sucks. I'm sorry…"
And then she fled the room. I didn't bother to go after her. After all, what good would it do?
"Goddammit!" I yelled, and slammed my fist as hard as I could against the mattress. I did it again, and again, feeling the old box springs rebel against the sudden pressure forced upon them.
"No!" I yelled out in anguish, knowing that no amount of words could describe exactly what I was feeling.
And so I continued to slam my fist against the bed until I was too weak from crying…until the box springs cut through the mattress and cut my hand…until I was jamming the needle I kept stashed under the bed into my wrist…until all went dark, and there was nothing left to feel.
(Mark's POV)
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live with or without you…
I woke up to the sounds of yelling and fighting.
"Not again…" I groaned, and covered my ears with my pillow.
I couldn't take listening to anymore fights…each time they fought, it gave me hope that my wife would soon leave her lover (which was funny cause as far as Roger was concerned, I was the lover in this situation) and come to me. Then, they'd make up and April would come to me saying that she couldn't leave him yet, and that she needed more time. I felt like such a fool…always hoping for a dream that seemed to be on the brink of coming true, only to be pulled backward again with explanations and justifications.
"Mark?" a voice whispered from the door to my room.
I rolled over to find April standing there, crying.
"What now? Wait, don't tell me- you had another fight, and now you want to know why you can't just leave him? Or how about you tried to leave him but he apologized for everything and now you're not sure what to do- you haven't used that excuse in a while. Or what about…"
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away…
"It's over." April said in a voice so quiet that I could barely hear her.
"You…what?" I asked in surprise, pausing mid-tirade.
"I ended it. Happy now?" she asked me with a stare that could freeze ice in July.
"Ended it? Like, it's over between you and Roger?" I asked, barely daring to hope.
"Yes."
I reached out a hand to her, and motioned for her to come to me. Stiffly, she did and sat down next to me.
"That's great…so, it's you and me now?" I asked her, sitting up so I could look at her.
"Sure," she said in the same dead voice.
"Um…great!" I said, trying to ignore the little voice inside my head that told me that everything here was wrong.
Instead, I turned her face to mine and leaned in to kiss her. She kissed me back, but it was different. It wasn't the same passionate, soul-searching kiss that had left me breathless just a couple nights ago. This one was distracted; indifferent. Her lips were there- her tongue was softly probing against my lower lip, demanding entrance- but it was automatic. I wasn't surprised when she suddenly pulled away.
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away…
"What is it?" I asked her.
"Nothing…" she said, but didn't try to kiss me again.
"Oh…so what exactly does this mean?" I asked finally.
"What does what mean?"
I took April's hand in mine and took out of my nightstand the gold wedding band I had given her on our wedding day.
"What does it all mean?" I asked again, sliding the ring halfway onto her finger.
She flinched at the feel of cool metal on her warm finger.
"Oh, Mark…" she sighed, "I can't think about that just yet. How could you even ask me to?"
"April…I feel I've been very patient, and that I've waited long enough, and…"
"And couldn't you wait a bit longer? I just dumped the guy two minutes ago- and he didn't take it well at all. I doubt he'll just let it go- he'll want to talk when he's calmer. Besides…I can still be yours," she finished with a smile that didn't reach to her eyes.
I sighed. I wasn't going to win this one. "If you say so."
She kissed the bridge of my nose. "I do."
Those words hung in the air, like memories of a single moment in time…the only other time she had said those words.
"You do?" I asked her seriously. "You said it once before. Do you still mean it?"
"Always." April promised. "Always and forever."
With that, April left the room. I still felt a powerful sense of uneasiness. I could hear the words coming from her mouth, and I could still feel the brush of her lips on mine…but it was different…indifferent, really. Goddammit, why did she have this effect on me? How could it be so easy for Roger to give up on everything they had- didn't she have this effect on him too? I was glad he hadn't tried to find out. Maybe now, for once in my life, everything would go the way I wanted it to. I was sick of rolling with the punches- usually, it was me that was the one getting punched.
"Mark Cohen- personal punching bag. No fee required. 24 hour service." I muttered to myself.
My hands are tied
My body bruised, she's got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose…
(April's POV)
Dammit, you need to stop this! Just stop. You can't go on hurting both of these guys. Neither one deserves it…
Except Roger. He treated you like shit for so long. Of course he deserves it. And you left- so you should be happy. Be happy goddamn you, smile! Show that smile that everyone loves so fucking much!
No, no tears! That's not the face Mark wants to see…Mark. What about him? Would I feel this bad about Roger if I truly loved Mark? But you do love Mark…don't you?
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give, and you give
And you give yourself away…
What does it matter anyway? Love is just a chemical reaction created to screw up a perfectly normal life into something so twisted and different that it kills you to look at yourself in the mirror everyday.
It's not love that does that to you though…at first, you loved Roger and you could look at yourself straight. Now you can't…so it can't be love. It's you…you slut. It's you and everything you've done in the past month or so that could have been handled better- better than with drugs, alcohol, and sex. But those are all what matter to you, aren't they- slut!
I don't deserve to live…I really don't. They'd be better off without me. Sure, I guess they'd be sad for a bit…but they'd live. They all would. Who'd miss me? I certainly wouldn't.
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you…