Updaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate!!! Now that I've left you all hanging with what might or might not happen to our little love triangle, it's time to…screw with your heads some more! Song for this chapter is Think Twice, by Eve6. Thanks for any reviews!
(Roger's POV)
When all is said and done
And dead, does he love you
The way that I do…
I came out of my room, with my hand ripped to shreds a couple of hours later, only to find April sitting in Mark's room, crying on his shoulder. They didn't notice I was there. I knew she had left earlier- but I had heard her go back into his room- as I sat there with tears running silently down my face.
"April, I don't know what to say anymore, I really don't!" Mark was saying quietly. "I can't keep this up anymore than you can! You think this doesn't kill me either?"
My stomach dropped at those words. It couldn't be…the one thing I had feared for the past few days…was it really true?
"I know, I know! I just…I hate this, you know…"
Mark leaned over and held April to him. "I love you, and I want you to be happy. But I don't want to wait forever to tell Roger that…"
I didn't hear the rest of Mark's sentence as the words 'I love you' burned themselves into my heart. He loved her….loved her…loved her…
This wasn't possible. April was my girlfriend…my fiancée. She belonged to me…she was my fucking girlfriend! She…was. Used to be. That was the operative word in this sentence. Still, it didn't matter- if all of that shit was going on while she was still mine…
I could feel the world spinning crazily, and I nearly toppled into Mark's doorframe. The sudden noise startled the pair, and they looked up. April's face fell, and Mark's jaw dropped in horror.
"Roger, I…" April started.
"We were just…" Mark interrupted.
Their excuses died before they could finish a sentence as they saw the look on my face. I wanted to cry…scream…beg…ask why this had happened. What the hell had happened to my life? I desperately tried to gain control of my emotions. I couldn't let them see how much this hurt…
Breathing in lighting
Tonight's for fighting
I feel the hurt, so physical…
"No, go ahead…finish guys. You were what? It's not what?" I said in the calmest voice I could possibly imagine.
"Roger," April began, "You know that Mark and I are just friends. We were just talking about…"
"Do you think," I managed to spit through gritted teeth, "That you could maybe tell me the goddamned truth for once? Would it kill you?"
"But, Roger…"
"Don't you start!" I yelled, making them both jump, "Don't you even fucking start! Do you think I'm stupid? That I didn't think something was wrong? That I didn't suspect something was going on?"
"If you thought something was up, then why didn't you talk to me, damn you?" April yelled back, her eyes blazing with fury.
"Why? Oh I don't know April, maybe because I trusted you? Because I love you, and didn't think that you were going to…do whatever it is you did! Why in hell would I want to ask something like that? You broke up with me so you could what- fuck him?"
April fell silent for just a moment, but it was a moment long enough for Mark to step in.
"Roger, come on now. Let her explain…please," he said miserably.
I rounded on Mark, looking on my so-called best friend with more hatred than I thought I could ever have mustered.
"Don't get me started on you, pal! Funny how I should call you that, huh? Pal…like, remember how you're supposed to be my best friend, Mark?"
"Roger, I still am…"
"Like hell you are! You think I'm supposed to take all of this lying down?" I raged.
"Roger, please stop. You don't even know the whole story." April said softly. "I'm sure you want to know what's going on. Afterward, you can think what you want…I don't care anymore."
Think twice before you touch my girl
Come around, I'll let you feel the burn
Think twice before you touch my girl
Come around, come around no more…
I hated hearing her say that, but at the moment, I was so angry that I didn't even know how to respond except to nod, and sit down on Mark's floor. It was a miracle I hadn't strangled either of them yet.
"Let me just ask one question…and one question only." I said as I sat down. "Did you fuck around with Mark while we were still together?"
April and Mark exchanged a guilty glance, and then she whispered, "Yes."
Finally…the one thing I had been denying was going on was out in the open. I wasn't sure if I was more relieved that she had finally come clean or angrier that it had happened in the first place. Even so…I couldn't find it in my heart to hate her. After everything that had happened- the fights, the lies- we had come so far. I loved her so much my soul hurt. I couldn't let this be the end...too bad she had already ended it for me…
Trying to keep the tears out of my voice, I asked, "Alright. Why…why the fuck would you do that, April?"
"I was mad at you. Our relationship was going down shit creek, Roger! That's why I ended it in the first place, remember? When was the last time we had an actual happy day together?"
"Well, I don't know- I thought we were fine a few days ago when we were all playing cards, or last night when we made love after I asked you to marry me again! Christ, I thought we were fucking fine this morning before you told me you were leaving me! Guess I was wrong, huh! How long has this been going on?"
"It happened…well, I can't exactly say when. It could have been the night you stayed at Jack's house when Mark and I got drunk, woke up, and didn't remember what happened…or it could have been the day you left after I broke off the engagement the first time. It was one of those times." April said, not meeting my eyes.
"One of those times?" I said incredulously, "You don't even know when? Jesus Christ, April…"
Think twice before you touch my girl
Come around, I'll let you feel the burn
Think twice before you touch my girl
Come around no more...
"I'm sorry, Roger, I really am!" April said, bursting into tears again. "Try to understand that I was unhappy…that I didn't think you cared anymore…and Mark was such a good friend, and he was always there for me…I couldn't help it…I didn't mean for…"
"Didn't mean for what?" Mark suddenly stepped in, "Are you saying that all those times you said you loved me, all those times we made love and you told me I wouldn't regret it…were you lying? When I said I loved you, I meant it, dammit! You told me an hour ago that you would love me, always and forever!"
April looked at Mark and I helplessly, but said nothing.
"Come on, April. You were so hot to talk a few seconds ago- but now when it means making a choice, you're silent. You know damn well if you say that you meant it too, then you're screwing me over- not to mention yourself with all of the lies you told me. If you tell Mark you never meant it, then you're losing him. What's it going to be, April?" I said, almost tauntingly.
"I…but it wasn't…" April started.
"I asked you to marry me goddammit!" Mark and I both hollered at the same time.
I turned to him in shock. "You what?"
Mark paled noticeably, and then said, "Never mind."
Mark turned and left the room, leaving April and me alone.
She spreads her love
She burns me up
I can't let go
I can't get out…
"He proposed to you? Did he?" I towered over her, shaking with rage.
"Yes…he did."
"And just what did you tell him?" I asked, and then seized her by the shoulders. "What did you fucking tell him?"
"Let go of me!" April shrieked, and tore herself out of my grasp.
"You know something, April? I've had it. Maybe you weren't strong enough to end things when you thought they needed to be ended, but I am. You always came back for my bullshit, but I sure as hell ain't staying around for yours. You want me to go? You want to leave? You want to go marry my best fucking friend? Fine with me!" I said.
"I stayed cause I loved you, Roger! I left because I couldn't take it anymore!" April cried.
"Really? Then why did you cheat on me with my best friend? Why come back if all you were going to do was screw around behind my back. Why didn't you just leave the first frigging time you said you would? Then you could have gone and had guilt free sex with Mark! God dammit, do you have any idea what I've been going through the past week? Wondering if you were faithful, but defending you in my head thinking that you cared enough where you wouldn't do that? Kicking myself for acting toward you the way I did and twisting myself inside fucking out trying to find a way to make you happy! I did all this for you…and you were off fucking Mark when I wasn't looking. Well congratulations! You won, April, alright? I'll make it easy on you- I'm gone."
A moment later, I was flying out the door, doing everything I could to hold in the screams inside of me that were fighting their way to the surface.
(April's POV)
I've said enough
Enough by now
I can't let go
I can't get out…
"No…" I moaned about five minutes after Roger had left. "No…Roger, come back! Come back!"
Instead, Mark came into the room. "He left already."
"I know…Mark, I'm so sorry."
Mark sighed and sat down beside me, but kept his distance. "I don't know anymore, April. I love you…but if you really loved me, you'd have had no problem telling Roger that you meant it when you said you loved me…no problem leaving him. Now look what's happened. You're sitting here crying because you can't take the fact that he's gone. We could have our chance…I'd be willing to leave, to have Roger come home to an empty apartment while you and I find somewhere to live…start a life together, just like we had talked about."
As I listened to him speak, all the lies and the confusion of the past weeks came floating back to me. Two men I had loved more than life itself…two men's lives I was going to ruin. I could already see it. I had driven a stake through the heart of Roger and Mark's friendship. I had lost the guy who had given me butterflies, who knew how to hold me the right way…the guy who had been everything to me, and I knew damn well, even during the worst of fights, that I was everything to him. I was going to break Mark's heart, and I had already broken Roger's…not to mention I still hadn't told anyone I was sick. I couldn't even start to look there yet- that was a whole new batch of secrets and lies that, if I could, I would take to the grave. Strangely calm, I got up off the bed.
What is it you really want?
I'm tired of asking
You're gone, I'm wasted…
"Where the hell are you going?" Mark asked me.
"Out."
"But, April, what about…" he left it hanging, and then took a deep breath. "What about us?"
"Oh Mark," I choked out, "There can't ever be an us…and sometimes I wonder…though my body wanted it, and certainly part of my heart wanted it…did I ever truly want it all the way?"
I slid the golden wedding band that Mark had given me…just a few days before…off of my finger.
"Here. I can't take this in all good conscience. Give it to a girl who deserves it next time, ok?" I said, and dropped the band on his bed.
Mark's eyes filled with tears. "April, don't go. Please…I love you. I remember when that used to make you happy! I remember when you used to crave my touch…when you would tremble just when I held you. We could be happy together."
"Mark…I don't think I'll ever be happy again." I replied, and then walked out of the apartment and onto the street.
I knew exactly where I was going. The pathway was easy, and the darkness provided cover. I knew he would be there.
"I know you're there!" I yelled out as I waited in a dark corner of the alleyway.
"Sure I am darlin'. I knew you'd be back. Girls like you always are." The Man said as he stepped out of the shadows.
"I don't have any money." I said outright.
"Now, now, you know that's alright- you know what I want."
"No...No, you don't. I have AIDS…you knew that before I did, I bet." I said miserably.
"Doesn't matter- we're all going to die someday anyway, and it's not like anyone's going to miss the existence of some dirty old drug dealer. Who'd even notice I was gone, except my regulars…and they'd just find a new dealer is all." The Man said indifferently.
When I showed up and he was there
I tried my best to grin and bear
And took the stairs, but didn't stop at the street
And as we speak I'm going down…
"It's not like you, sweet thing…I bet quite a few people will miss your pretty face." he said, almost gently.
I took a step toward him, and took off my shirt. "It doesn't matter. I have what you want, and you have what I want. Let's just get it over and done with, and then we can move on with our lives."
The Man came to me and encircled me in his grasp. "You know, not everything has to be this way."
"No, it doesn't. But it is." I replied, and let the power of the needle overtake me before the rush of hunger and desire made its way into my system.
(Mark's POV)
Cause she spread her love
And burnt me up
I can't let go
I can't get out…
April didn't come back that night, and Roger didn't return until late. He barely looked at me upon entering the house, and it wasn't until we were watching TV in uncomfortable silence later on that he finally spoke.
"So I thought you'd have run off with April by now," he said conversationally.
"Don't be a dickhead, Roger. Why would I do that?" I shot back.
"Oh, hm, let me think about it for a moment? Maybe because you guys were having an affair and now that she and I are through, it'd be a golden opportunity to get together?"
"Oh for fuck's sake, Roger! It's over with her and me too! She ended our affair! She's too fucking in love with you." I said miserably. "All she wants…all she ever wanted was you."
"She had a funny way of showing it. And now we're both suckers. We both loved her…and we both believed her when she said she loved us." Roger noted.
"Roger…I am sorry. I don't know how it started…it just got to me how you treated her like shit for so long…and I just…wanted her." I said lamely.
I've said enough
Enough by now
I can't let go
I can't get out…
Roger looked at me for a long moment. "I want to believe you, man…I really do. But you screwed me over. We were best friends, Mark…"
"Were?" I interrupted.
"How the hell am I supposed to just pick up where we left off? You betrayed me, Mark! You screwed my fiancée! What am I supposed to say to that?"
I thought for a moment before answering. "That you deserved it. That you had been treating April like she didn't matter…like she was nothing to you. You could say that you now realize why she did the things that she did, and that though you are rightfully angry, you know where she was coming from. Let me ask you, Roger- do you know what it's like to want something so bad that you can almost see it forming in your grasp…only to know that it's just an illusion? Do you know what it's like to love someone so much that you'd live and die just to see them smile and know that that smile is for you? Well let me tell you…I do. I know what it's like because I watched you two together and wished that someday, I could be that happy. I watched as things went downhill, and wished that someday, I could be the guy to wipe her tears away after you finally walked away from her. I felt my heart damn near explode the very first time that she kissed me and I knew then…I was that happy. Having her be here around me and knowing that she existed…that she was in my life in even the slightest of ways…I have been that happy. I've been very lucky indeed."
Think twice before you touch my girl
Come around I'll let you feel the burn
Think twice before you touch my girl
Come around, come around no more…
Roger was silent after that. After a few moments, he replied.
"Mark, I get what you mean…but she was my life…my entire life. Everything I did, all the dreams that I had…everything I wanted to accomplish was because I wanted to be with her; because I wanted to make her happy. I never dreamed that any of this would happen…that I would neglect her the way that I did, or that she would lie to me the way she did. But it did happen, and now what? What do you want me to do? I could chase her down, tell her I love her- and yes, dammit, I still love her! I can't imagine having a better heaven than the one I have when I'm with her- but what good would that do? It's over…and there's so much trust and love that would need to be rebuilt…"
"And if you love her enough, you'll have no problem doing that." I said softly. "She didn't love me enough to try to sort out what could have been- she's still hung up over what used to be. If I were you, I'd be out there right now trying to find her."
It was only a split second after that that Roger and I got up at the same time and ran out the front door.
Think
twice before you touch my girl
Come around I'll let you feel the
burn
Think twice before you touch my
girl
Come around no more.