Chapter 16- The Next Best Thing

Hey there everyone! Most of you have probably stopped reading this fanfiction, but I would like to finish anyway just cause I've come so far. I know it's been 7 months since I've updated, but I don't want to leave it unfinished. So new readers are welcome, and I'm hoping to bring back some life to the story. It's almost over, so no more annoying Mark-Roger-April "I can't decide, my life sucks" triangle (it was getting tired, I know). ANYWAY song for this chapter is (and thanks to worldhoney for her review about my sucky songs ;), but I like em, so there!) Wonderwall, by Oasis.

(April's POV)

Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you

By now, you should somehow realized what you gotta do…

The very last words I heard before the rush came and pounded me senseless echoed through my head…

"Not everything has to be this way, you know…"

When I came to, I was lying on the ground in the dark alleyway- by myself. Not that I had thought The Man would stick around, but I still didn't like the idea that I had been passed out in the dark in New York City for a long time. Still, not that it mattered- I had nowhere to go now anyway. Roger finally knew everything…well, almost everything. He didn't know that Mark and I were actually married- if he did, he would have killed me. And that was another thing I needed to deal with. I couldn't just hand Mark back the ring and say it was over. We were still legally married. I got up slowly and started the long walk home.

Still, that didn't solve my problem. I couldn't just show up at the loft and expect them to let me stay. I didn't even know what had transpired between Mark and Roger after I left. I doubted that they were looking for me. I didn't even think that they cared. Why should they though? What had I done in the past few months that even deserved the least bit of sympathy? Nothing, that was what. I approached the loft, and looked up at the top floor. Strangely enough, there were no lights on, and there were no pacing shadows that meant Mark and Roger were up and fighting. Was it possible…were they…?

No, they wouldn't be. Why would they? So, expecting everyone to be asleep, I plodded up the flights of stairs to the loft. I figured that I would just pack my things and leave. I had enough money stashed away, so I could stay in a motel for the night…if I could find one. When I opened the door, however, I noticed that there was no one there.

"Roger? Mark? Are…are you guys home?" I called out nervously.

There was no answer. Slowly, I crept to Roger's room and pushed open the door. The bed was as exactly as we had left it that morning. Roger was obviously gone. I looked in Mark's room as well, and found the same scenario- they were both gone. Where were they? The answers seemed simple enough- Roger was out getting drunk and Mark was wandering around the park by himself. I walked back to Roger's room and sat down on the bed. I curled up against his pillow and inhaled the smell of him. He smelled so fresh and clean…with just the slightest hint of sweat. My eyes welled up at the very thought of him sharing this pillow with another girl…at the times they would make love in his bed…

I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now…

It was then it all hit me. All this time, I had been looking ahead- everything seemed that it would be better in the future. I never wanted to stop and work on now. Tears streamed down my face as I thought about my love for Roger; my whirlwind romance with Mark…

Mark. I did care for him, honestly I did. But all I tried to do through him was find the love I thought I had been lacking- when all I was doing was throwing it all away. I had hurt them both, loved them both…broke them both. And I had always thought that someday, something, soon, would change- and the next best thing would be right around the corner. I spent months believing that, never realized that there was no next best thing- Roger was it. I had loved him since the day I met him, and I never stopped. Just the fact that I could never truly leave him for Mark should have told me that…and now there was nothing left. Roger was the best thing, all I wanted- and everything I had lost. Now there was nothing left…and I wanted to do was leave this world behind. I was sick, dying- and I was already dead inside. I was the wasted shell of a girl who had the world in her grasp, but cheapened her existence with drugs, alcohol, and lies. It was all lies.

Slowly, without really thinking, I got up and went inside the bathroom. I shivered as the cold night air hit my face from the open window. I didn't bother to shut it though. I didn't shut the door either as I proceeded to get undressed. I stood and looked at myself in the mirror, looked at the ugly track marks on my arms like vines crawling down my skin. I opened the medicine cabinet and took out the prescription paper that I had hid inside an empty bottle of Tylenol. I had never filled the prescription for AZT…but there was the chance that someone else would have to...two someones. I took the piece of paper, closed the medicine cabinet, and left the paper lying there on the top of the toilet. As a second thought, I ran into the living room and grabbed a pen off of the coffee table. When I came back to the bathroom, I took the prescription and wrote, "We've got AIDS". I didn't cry as I wrote it- I was done crying, there was nothing left to cry over anymore. Then determinedly, assuredly, I took Roger's pack of extra razor blades that were lying unopened on the sink. I slid one out of the packet, and fingered the blade lovingly. The chance that this could be a rush better and bigger than the ones I was used to. I sat down on the floor, and posed the blade over my wrists. This was it…it was all over now. I had no need for this life anymore, and the people in it had no need of me…

Backbeat, the word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out

I'm sure you've heard it all before, but you've never really had a doubt…

It was strange, as I had never really thought of myself as suicidal…but there was a large, strong part of me that wasn't afraid, and knew that this was really the only way to solve things. That way, the two men I loved could get on with their lives- and they never had to see me again. With those lovely thoughts in mind, I closed my eyes and hesitated just a split second before grinding the blade against my skin.

I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now…

(Roger's POV)

"I give up, Mark. There's no place we haven't checked. She's gone…" I said miserably.

Mark looked at me sadly. "She can't be…she wouldn't just leave me…I mean…um…"

He trailed off and I finished the thought inside my head: "She wouldn't leave you before leaving me first."

"Let's just go home, ok?" Mark suggested. "Maybe she came back and is waiting for us there."

I shrugged, and walked back with Mark.

"Did she ever say she loved you?" I asked suddenly.

It was the one thing I needed to know. Out of everything I wanted to know about what happened between Mark and April; that was the thing that I needed to know the most. I didn't care if he made her cry out when they made love…I was pretty sure he had. I didn't care if he had said he loved her…part of me knew I should have realized that he had loved her a long, long time ago. Above all, I didn't care whether or not April had chosen him as her scapegoat because our relationship was going badly…I just needed to know if she had really felt something for him. If she had, I couldn't begrudge her that. If she had fallen for him, it was really no one's fault but mine. I looked at Mark as he struggled to answer.

And all the roads we have to walk are winding

And all the lights that lead us there are blinding…

"Umm…" Mark stuttered, taken aback by my question.

"Mark, don't even start pretending that you don't have an answer to this. I don't care- you don't need to lie to me about this anymore. Just tell me the truth, alright? It's time we all started telling each other the truth." I said.

Mark was silent a moment, and then nodded. "Alright…she…she…"

He stopped, and looked at me, as if searching for the answer. I nodded for him to go on.

"She…didn't." he finally answered.

I sighed with relief. At least now, I knew that there had been nothing other than physical attraction mixed with strong friendship between the two. Still, if that was the case, didn't April know that I'd still want to talk about it? Wouldn't she want to talk? It seemed so strange that she would just run off and leave. We finally reached the loft, and went upstairs to the top floor. It was then that I noticed- the door was ajar.

There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how…

"Mark, did you forget to close the door when we went out?" I asked worriedly.

"No…but I didn't lock it in case April…came back," he said, and looked at me with raised eyebrows.

We rushed inside the house, wondering what sight we'd be greeted with.

"April?" I called out. "Babe? Wherever you are, please, come out. We have to talk. I promise, I won't yell- but we need to talk!"

Mark peered into his room, and I into mine. There was nothing there, no sign that she had ever been there. I suddenly noticed a light shining from underneath the bathroom door.

"April?" I called, pounding on the door. "Are you in there?"

Mark came over and crouched to the ground. He tried to peer beneath the bathroom door. Whatever it was he saw in there made his eyes widen and he stood up quickly.

"Roger, why don't we call someone? I think maybe we should…" he started.

"April! Let me in!" I yelled again, ignoring anything sane. All I wanted was to know that April was there and we could be together again.

"Roger, I really think we need to call the police." Mark pleaded. "Now!"

There was something about urgency in his voice that panicked me. "Mark, I don't think that…"

Cause maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me And after all, you're my Wonderwall…

"Now, Roger!"

I looked helplessly at him, and then turned to the door one last time. "April, open the fucking door!"

My eyes welling up with tears, I said to Mark, "Help me! We have to get this door open!"

"Roger, I already told you…"

"Goddammit Mark! Don't question me right now! Help me, please!" I said in desperate tones.

We backed away from the door and braced ourselves.

"Ready, Mark?" I asked. "On the count of three…"

Mark paled and then nodded. "One…"

"Two…" I continued.

"Three!" we both shouted, and charged at the door.

It cracked under our weight, but was still standing.

"Again!" I yelled.

We charged, and it splintered more.

"One last time!"

We charged into the door, and it splintered, and broke. As the pieces of wood fell away, I was able to see into the bathroom.

(Mark's POV)

Today was gonna be the day but they'll never throw it back to you

By now, you should've somehow realized what you're not to do…

"Roger…" I whispered, not sure how to react.

April was in the bathroom…but she was on the floor, and all of her life's blood was spilling out of her wrists.

"No….NO!" Roger cried in anguish as he ran to kneel beside her body.

I stood there, frozen.

"April…please…come back." Roger sobbed as he cradled her in his arms, not caring that her blood would forever stain the shirt he was wearing.

I turned my eyes away. I couldn't believe it- April. My April! She…

I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now…

"Oh God…" I whispered miserably before I broke down.

"Why, Mark? Why?" Roger sobbed. "This is my fault…it's all my fault…I killed her because I left her…all alone. She…oh God, April!"

I went to sit down on the toilet, as I felt like I could no longer hold my own weight. As I sat down, I heard some crinkle underneath me. I stood up, and saw a piece of paper lying on the toilet. It was a prescription for…AZT? But wasn't that…?

"Roger…come here." I said softly, scanning the message that had been hastily scribbled on it.

Roger looked at me with swollen eyes. "What?"

"Read this."

I handed him the note, and watched his face grimace, then crumple into hysterical sobs.

" 'We've got AIDS'? What the fuck is that!" Roger screamed, howling out his fury to the uncaring night. "I'm going to die?"

And all the roads that lead you there are winding

And all the lights that light the way are blinding…

Roger glared down at April's body, as if she could come back and explain it all.

"You…you…bitch! You fucking bitch!" Roger screamed. "How could you do this to me!"

He raged, and I suddenly saw a glint of silver in the light.

"Roger, no!" I cried, and dove for the razor that he had grabbed.

"Let go Mark! Let go, let me do this! There's nothing else…" he yelled and struggled against my grip.

I let him struggle until the fire burned out, and then Roger looked at me with lost, glazed-over eyes. "There's nothing else."

"Oh, Roger…" I said, not knowing what to say.

It turned out I didn't need to say anything- Roger collapsed in my arms sobbing like a child. I held him, and let him feel…for the first time, he was letting himself feel.

There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how…

"Mark, I loved her…I just…oh God, I wanted her to know I still love her…"

I felt the tears well up again as I realized that, for the first time, I couldn't help my friend. After everything we had been through together, when it all came down to it, I couldn't do a damn thing to save him from the ugly fate that stood before him. And as that realization sunk in, I started to cry, and held onto my best friend until the dawn broke into the sky.

Cause maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me

And after all, you're my Wonderwall

I said maybe

You're gonna be the one that saves me

And after all, you're my Wonderwall…