The Pretty Friggin' Weird Diaries
By: I'm-So-Ashamed-To-Be-Writing-This-Type-Of-Story-reshimaskynight-
I don't know how this started… it just did… So bear with me until the phase is over.
Harry
Dear Diary,
A funny man came today he showed me green fireworks. Then he pretended to kill my parents. He made me laugh.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Dear Diary,
Mommy and Daddy are really good at playing dead.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Mommy? Daddy?
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Holy shit.
Voldemort
Dear Diary,
My day consisted of:
1. Killing people
2. Massage therapy
3. Almost shagging the fifteen-month-old SEX GOD.
4. Trying to fulfill some goddamn prophecy that I don't know crap about and will comeupinthefifthbookmumblemumble.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Dear Diary,
I tried to lure the fifteen-month-old SEX GOD by taping pacifiers to my nipples. That didn't work. Now on to plan B…
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Dear Diary,
Decided to show the illegal SEX GOD who was boss. Gave him a hickey.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
On his forehead.
Harry
Dear Diary,
Damn fucker punctured my perfect skin. I'll show him…
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Broke his wand.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Literally.
Voldemort
Dear Diary,
Curse you, you illegal piece of supple flesh! It'll take approximately ten years to mend my sensitive shaft! AH, but I shall return! And when I do, I shall take your virginity. Mwahaha.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
1st Goal: Grow a penis
2nd Goal: Ravage SEX GOD's virginity.
3rd Goal: Make him like it.
Uncle Vernon
Dear Diary,
Quite a surprise I got on my front porch today! I finally got my Boy-Toy for the Beginner Pedophile in the mail.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Dear Diary,
Woe is me. It turns out to be my wife's sister's son who happens to be a wizard and escaped a near death experience when his parents were murdered by the deadliest wizard of the age. My life is so boring.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I'm feeling very excited right now… "Oh Harry… come and help Uncle polish his flute!"
Harry
Dear Diary,
"I'm a fucking fifteen-month old baby! I'm innocent and pure, so back away! GET THAT PENIS AWAY FROM ME! FUCKING PERVERT!"
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I don't even know what the hell a penis is.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fast forward ten years…
Dear Diary,
I looked in my pants today. Hm… what is that delightful object I see?
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Ah… so that's a penis.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Poke- … -Poke- … Hee hee… It wiggles.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Dear Diary,
Apparently, I've forgotten all about that Mr. Voldemort and his broken wand and how he murdered my parents. I am just an ordinary non-wizard-boy-because-I-don't-know-it-yet who lives in a cupboard under the stairs.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I like cupboards. I have my privacy so I can be able to play with my best friend… Mr. Powers. Yes, I named my wee-wee. I even drew a little face on him with my Sharpie.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Dear Diary,
Today, Dudders let me meet his best friend: Mr. Crunchy. So Mr. Crunchy and Mr. Powers decided to have a play date. It was fun.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Very fun.
Uncle Vernon
Dear Diary,
Quite a surprise I got on my front porch today! I finally got my Owl-Treat for the Beginner Different Species Lover in the mail.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Woe is me again. It was just an ordinary owl carrying a message for my nephew saying that he has been accepted into a prestigious wizarding school where he will learn spells and potions which are unfathomable to the Muggle mind. My life is so boring.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Dear Diary,
All these owls with their taunting hoots of "sex"! It's driving me crazy. I am in much need of my Owl-Treat for the Beginner Different Species Lover since I was deprived ten years ago of my Boy-Toy for the Beginner Pedophile. Oh, I can't stand it anymore! I must leave before I accidentally rape one of these magical owls!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"We're going away! Just pack some handcuffs and condoms! No arguments!"
Harry
Dear Diary,
Oooh, are we going on a vacation? Are we going to Puerto Rico? Can I pick up some Puerto Rican prostitutes so I can try out my newly discovered penis?
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I'm currently disappointed. We are not in Puerto Rico. We are at some rickety beach house thing…
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Ah! They also have a cupboard under the stairs! Excuse me, but I believe that I have an appointment with Mr. Powers.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Happy Birthday to me… Oh, Mr. Powers! You got me a birthday present? You want to give it to me now? Well, okay…
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Moan …
Hagrid
Dear Diareh,
Broke down theh door… saw 'Arry lyin' there playin' wi' 'is shaft. Eh-e'-o'-a-'e, I kant spelleh…
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
" 'Appeh Burrfday, 'Arry!" says I. "I got yeh a burffday cake!"
Harry
Dear Diary,
Moan- …
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Zipped up my pants as the large beard with arms and legs freed me from the Dursleys.
Uncle Vernon
"You can't take him away!"
Hagrid
"Oh yeh? An' wuts a great big Muggle lahk yuu gonna do 'bout it?... Bitch?"
Uncle Vernon
Sighs- … "Well, if you insist…" …. –Unzips his pants-
Hagrid
Dear Diary,
Grabbed 'Arry by the ding-a-ling and got the hell outta there.
Harry
Giggle-
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
…
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"Can you grab me there again?"
Hagrid
"No, 'Arry. We must keep all sexual stuff at a limit. Theh onleh thing tha' can deflower yeh is— No, I can't say it."
Harry
"Tell me?"
Hagrid
"I kan't tell yeh, 'Arreh. It's part of theh propheceh. Eh. Heh."
Harry
Slips his hands down his pants-
Hagrid
"What yeh doin'?"
Harry
"I'm horneh."