A/N: Hey! Check out my myspace! The link is on my profile. Add me, kay?
Harry
Dear Diary,
I won't have to depend on my hand whenever Mr. Powers needs relieving… because Hagrid got me an owl for my birthday! If there was anything I learned from Uncle Vernon, it's that animals have holes in convenient places too! Yay!
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"Hedwig! Quit that! Your beak is so sharp!"
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Dear Diary,
I'm already 11 years old and I haven't gotten laid yet… I'll never get laid! I'll die a virgin! I hate myself! I'm so unattractive!
Gringotts Goblin
"I think you're attractive…"
Harry
"Oh, do you really?…"
Gringott's Goblin
"May I put my key in your lock?"
Harry
"Come to me, baby…"
Hagrid
"No, 'Arry! You mustn't! Theh onleh thing tha' can take yer virginity is theh…. Is theh…"
Harry
"Is theh… I mean, is the what?"
Hagrid
"No, I kan't tell yeh, 'Arry. I'm not suppose ta tell yeh 'bout theh Sorcerer's Stone… which yeh hafta shove up yer arse in order to lose yer virginiteh. Eh. Heh."
Harry
"The Sorcerer's Stone?"
Hagrid
"Shouldn'ta said tha'…"
Harry
Dear Diary,
I must know more about this Sorcerer's Stone. And I must need comrades to help me search for it!
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NOTICE
WANTED: COMRADES for a SECRET MISSION.
Please contact HARRY POTTER, the SEXY GOLDEN BOY.
Ron
Dear Diary,
Where am I going? I don't know where I'm going. Is it school? Hogwarts, it's called? I'm scared. Oh no, I have to walk through an invisible barrier through a wall? What if I crash? What if I get a concussion? I might die. I'm going to die, aren't I? I'm going to die, oh my God, I need to write a will, what am I going to do, I need my drugs.
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I think my brothers are sexually harassing me. What am I going to do? Should I tell my mother? Should I call The Abuse of Sexy Children hotline? They're always trying to touch my danger-area. Especially Fred and George. Percy just does it when no one is looking. What am I going to do? Am I going to get pregnant?
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"Stay away from my danger!"
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Dear Diary,
I saw the ad Harry Potter put up. I should apply for the position of 'comrade.' Do you think he'll accept? I hope he'll accept. What if he doesn't like me? What if he thinks I'm smelly? What if… what if… I don't know what to do. Maybe I should offer sexual gratification!
Harry
Dear Diary,
(Giggle)… I found a comrade. His hand is better than my hand.
Ron
Fred and George taught me well.
Draco
Dear Diary,
It seems like this sexy piece of pie is in need of a comrade. Oh I'll provide him a comrade all right…
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Dear Diary,
I approached the Sexy Golden Boy with caution. And when he caught sight of me, his green eyes flashed with LUST.
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I think he wants to whip me.
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In a good way.
Harry
Dear Diary,
Scantily clad blonde boy approached me. I think he may be trying too hard. Oh— a fly went into my eye… excuse me for a second…
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I think he wants to rape me.
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In a bad way.
Draco
"So it's true then. What they've been saying on the train… Harry Potter is in need of fuck buddies— I mean, comrades."
Harry
"Yes…"
Draco
"Well, this is Crabbe…"
Crabbe
(Blank)
Draco
"And this is Goyle…"
Goyle
(Blank)
Draco
"And I'm Malfoy. Draco Malfoy."
Ron
(GUFFAW GUFFAW SNORT SNORT CHUCKLE LAUGH HAHAHAHA)
Draco
"Think my name's funny, do you? Well, no need to ask for yours… A dildo in your pocket, manjuice on your fingers… You must be a Weasley."
Ron
(Glare)
Draco
"My whip is better than your whip, Weasley."
Harry
Dear Diary,
Ron and Draco are fighting over me. Yay.
Draco
(Turns to Harry) "You'll soon learn that some wizarding whips are better than others, Potter. You don't want to go having sex with the wrong sort. I can help you there." (Extends his whip)
Harry
(Glances at the small length of Draco's whip) … "I think I can tell who the wrong sort are for myself, thanks."
Draco
Dear Diary,
The Sexy Golden Boy rejected my whip. I'm supposedly the "wrong sort." Why doesn't anyone love me?
(Runs away crying)
Harry
Dear Diary,
I rejected the blonde sex bomb because his whip was too small. How can he protect me with a small whip? But the redhead sex bomb's whip is huge enough to take down a whole fleet of submarines… with seamen… hehehe…
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Now that I've found comrade number one, I'm on a quest to find comrade number two!
Hermione
Dear Diary,
I'm ugly. My hair looks like it should be on my crotch and my teeth are so bad, nobody would ever let me give them a blowjob. I'm so unloved and nobody wants me! I'm going to commit suicide!
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After I finish my homework.
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And after I give the troll a handjob.
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And after I take a shit.