Due to your overwhelming positive responses, I have decided to throw caution to the wind and tempt fate. Probably a dangerous thing to do, but you have all given me faith in myself. Ergo, I know find myself crawling out even farther on a limb. Here's hoping it holds!

-

-

The Sweet Hereafter: Tempting Fate

-

-

Part VI: Speak Softly To Me

-

-

"The greatest weakness of most
humans is their hesitancy to tell others how much they love
them while they're alive."

--O.A. Battista

-

"That was uncalled for! But I guess I shouldn't expect much better. I've struggled to do something about it time and again. Maybe the fault lies with me, and I have no one to blame but myself. Like I'd ever do that. But every time I creep up on the issue, there's something that stops me, or coerces me into making a cover. That's what no one seems to get. Don't think I can't here the collective cries asking what I can possibly be so afraid of. I have everything to be afraid of. I'm still struggling to figure this whole love thing out, and whether it's worth it or not. It must be, considering everything I put myself through in the name of it. But if it's just so wonderful, then why don't I stop mucking about and come out with it?!"

"Yeah, that's what I thought. Despite everything I keep inside, maybe it's better as a fantasy. I've made my choices in life; I don't need anyone taking me on a tour of them. Do I lie to make myself happy? Of course. And if you're going to stand there and tell me you've never done the same, then you're a fool. Or a liar, and a big one at that. But what's wrong with that as long as you know you're deceiving yourself."

"It's dangerous to hope. But hope is all I have. No matter how fierce I present myself, I'm no match for the brick wall I run into time and again. I can't have things both ways. Despite what I want, Arnold will never reciprocate what I feel unless I'm willing to change my ways, let the warm and sunshine in. There are days when that option feels really tempting. It's not that I prefer to dwell in the underdark, but rather that I see myself as a realist. Someone like him, with their annoying, ever-present optimism, it can really just rub me the wrong way, until I want to pick him up by his stupid football head and shake some sense into him!"

"Can't anyone understand that? Why I always choose to hold back? What choice do I really have, when my only options are to join him or destroy him? No matter what I do, I'm going to end up losing a part of myself. So I sit here in the déjà vu of limbo. Maybe I'm just supposed to wait with my heart on tap until he rescues me. Or abandons me. Am I worth saving? I don't know, but I'll probably have to save myself someday. My cage isn't even gilded. It may be the biggest one on the block, but in the end, it's still a cage. I look out through my bars at the world below me. Not much to look at. Mostly squalor, but it's life, happening every day. I try not to take part in it. Oh, sure, I can go through the motions just as well as anyone else. But everyone knows the truth. I'm not one of them."

-

-

-

Part VII: The Sun Also Rises

-

-

"Things need not have happened to be true.

Tales and dreams are the shadow-truths

that will endure when mere facts are dust

and ashes, and forgot."
--Dream,

"Sandman"

-

-

"In those first few moments of consciousness, I don't have any idea what kind of day it is. Is the sun shining? Is the rain falling? I don't know. But I'm awake. Alive again, a perfectly good reason to appreciate this new day no matter what the weather. If I listen closely, I can hear the sounds of the boarding house around me as everyone goes through their morning rituals. I disconnect the potato from my alarm clock and open my eyes to see a bright sky with few clouds. The warm glow of the sun radiating down from above is almost enough to make me want to stay in bed all morning. Almost."

"It seems like no time at all before I'm back in the halls of PS 118. Everyone here helps make the place a little more unique. How many times have I walked these halls with Gerald? So why does it seem so different today? Did my world grow larger overnight? If anyone else noticed, they aren't showing it. Every conversation I've overhead has indicated that things are the same. But for some reason, I feel like I'm outside myself. I blink my eyes and it's like I can see my whole summer happening again in slow motion. Gerald, myself, Sheck holding The Tomato Document hostage, Helga, the bus. . . our final victory. And then I stop and wonder how I managed to keep the dream alive. But maybe that doesn't matter. It happens, and we all lived to tell about it."

"Why doesn't anyone else seem to understand that? Sid, Stinky, Harold, anyone? They just go about their lives like always. Maybe it doesn't seem as real to them. They weren't in the middle of it like Gerald and I. Even Helga must feel it a little. We are all just prisoners of the sweet hereafter. Maybe we do these things because of what we know. Change isn't comforting. But I do agree with him on one thing. Change is good. Personal change. Otherwise how are we supposed to grow as people? I guess that's what school is all about. We learn how to grow and change and adapt in the world, but we have our friends around us to help us get through the years. All we have to do is be there for each other." Arnold smiled to himself after sliding a small piece of paper into Helga's locker. "We have to make that effort."

-

-

-

Part VIII: People Say I'm Crazy

-

-

"In my prison cell I think these words
I was careless
I can see that now
I must be silent
Must contain my secret smile
I want to tell you
You, my mirror
You, my iron bars

No one understands
No one knows my plan"

--They Might Be Giants

"No One Knows My Plan"

-

-

"I do have a secret. A really deep, dark secret, and it's not what you think. It's worse than that. Ask around, and people will tell you they know me. And they think they do. Depending on who you ask, you'll hear about how I'm nothing but a horrific bully, or I'm that misunderstood Pataki girl with the chip on her shoulder. Yeah, right. I don't know if anyone truly understands what I'm doing, not even Feeb. Because it wasn't until this summer that I realized all of it myself."

"Generally speaking, people piss me off. What more can you expect from me? The people who ushered me into this world were Bob and Muriel. That welcome wagon ran out of steam ages ago. Sometimes, when Bob is more disappointed in me than usual (which would be every day, mind you), I can tell he'd like nothing more than to stamp 'return to sender' on my forehead. But that's his problem. I don't have to justify myself to him. Even he doesn't get me anyway."

"Life is just like a game of kickball. The pitcher rolls the ball, and anything can happen after that. Maybe Stinky will get beaned. Maybe it's an out at first. Or maybe yours truly will kick a line drive. You never know until it's over, and then you have to live with the consequences. We all have our sins, our moments we aren't proud of, the things we wish we could take back. Sometimes, we even get that opportunity. I want to be more than I am. A poet would say that's what makes me human. But wanting something and getting it are two entirely different things, believe you me."

"So I do have my secret, the one thing I've even kept hidden from myself, much more than just my own feelings for my wondrous, darling Arnold. And it's all here with me. It's in the volumes of poetry I've written for him. It's in the details of every shrine I've built to him. It's written in each letter of my name I've had inscribed to the locket I carry around. It's the one thing I want more than anything else in this world, even more than him."

"I want to be found out. I want to be made a laughingstock. I want it to be shouted throughout the school and city blocks how Helga loves Arnold. I want to be backed into a corner with nowhere to run and to be exposed for the hypocrite I am! How many times have I come so close to that last step? How much evidence have I let dangle in front of his face? I've left a meticulous trail of writings and pictures and shrines that can be irrevocably traced to me, me, me! I want to be scandalized, and no one understands it! How could they? They don't realize what I do, they can't see how this is the only way I may ever be able to get him to see me for more than what I always appear to be. Because I do have love to give. How long now have I been scripting this play, and when will I allow it to climax? But isn't that just it? No one knows my plan."

"People say I'm crazy. I know, I've heard them. I don't really have the authority to deny that. Even my own family never misses an opportunity to remind me just how necessary they consider me to be. So why should I go around spreading sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows? People that think they relate to me think they've got the whole world figure out when they tell me that life is crap. Well doi! Did you really think you were the first person to come to this revelation? What did you expect?! Life sucks, get a helmet! It's either that, or find something to believe in. And for him, maybe I could have my faith renewed."

-

-

-

Part IX: Never A Dull Moment

-

-

"Love is the hardest habit to break and the most difficult to satisfy."
-- Drew Barrymore

-

-

"I love you, Arnold. Freak you, Arnold." Helga muttered to herself as she came across the yellow paper in her locker that simply read "We should talk," followed by his name. The idea that he actually wanted to talk to her was thrilling beyond compare, but the arrogance that he could just so casually decide that they should talk, as though she had nothing better to do! "One of these days I'm really going to put my foot up his-"

"Assistance needed!" hollered a familiar voice. Helga withdrew her head from her locker just in time to see two familiar faces barreling down on top of her. Recovering from the shock, she threw herself against her locker to avoid being run down as Sid and Stinky went flying by at warp factor ten. She understood why moments later when Wolfgang streaked by behind them. Helga paused for a minute to contemplate that. She really should put a stop to it, Sid and Stinky were under her jurisdiction after all, but decided she just didn't feel like it. Besides, she had bigger fish to fry.

-

-

"So are we gonna go pick out a new basketball today?" Gerald asked his best friend later that afternoon."

"Might as well." Arnold shrugged with a smile. "Maybe we'll even have a little time to break it in."

"You were kind of quiet in school today man."

"Just a lot on my mind." Arnold explained.

"Please tell me you didn't let you-know-who get to you!" Gerald looked worried.

"Who, Helga? No, actually, I hardly thought about her at all. Trust me, I took the first step on that one. If she doesn't want to take one herself, that's her business. But at least I made the effort. Actually, I've been thinking a lot about this summer, and what's next for us. We don't have many of these years in our lives. When they're gone, they're gone, but I'm glad to have had them, and any more to come. I like to think that someday, when we're as old as Grandpa, we'll remember times like these, when we were just being best friends, more than we'll remember driving runaway buses."

"You really think that's how we'll remember it?" Gerald asked.

"It's how I will." Arnold smiled.

"Well, I know I'm never going to forget this past summer. And you know you won't either."

"How could I ever?"

"So Arnold, what was your solution?"

"To what?"

"To Helga."

"I told her we should talk."

"Isn't that like inviting the devil in for tea?"

-

-

-

Part X: Melting In The Sun

-

-

"I am not used to being liked, but I'm quite familiar with hatred."

--Gendo Rokubuungi (sic?)

-

-

"I don't care what anyone else says, there's little difference between love and hate. Both require a great deal of concentration, sometimes even obsession. And in either case you're setting yourself up to be hurt. Have you ever looked at a river on a clear night? The reflections of the moon and stars show, but you don't really see your own reflection or even a shadow."

"I hold here in my hand four unassuming words that could lead to the answer I've been looking for. But now I find myself trying to get in touch with my inner script and figure out if this is my big scene or just another in a long line of rehearsals. And most of all, who should I get to play myself?"

"We all need our pain to guide us. It lets us know we're alive when we feel it. Or when we dish it out to someone else. Pain is something I'm quite familiar with. I feel it all the time, eventually you just get numb to it. Or you channel it. I rarely miss an opportunity to rip into someone else. Sure, it's fleeting and short lived, but sometimes it just feels right."

"Here I am, with the opportunity to finally talk with him about everything, and I'm hesitating again. Why do I always do that? Because I'm afraid. Rejection comes at too high a price. I've gotten this far, haven't I? Why should I tempt fate? I could just wind up doing something I'll regret. Too many times have I found a way to cheat fate, to put the toothpaste back into the tube. Maybe I've just become addicted to that thrill of tempting fate, trying to see how far I can push the envelope. Ha! Those who say that love can make you do crazy things have clearly never really tasted of hate. And when you're fortunate enough to have both, well, the sky's the limit. You can do anything! But if that's true, then why am I still here? Why am I always working on an angle for something or other?"

"There's a lot of damage that can be done with words. Hitting someone isn't nearly as bad. Even bruises heal over time. But say the wrong thing to someone who isn't strong enough to handle it, and they might never get over it. There's a totally perverse pleasure in just cutting someone down to size. But even that is fleeting. A temporarily solution that can't fill the void left inside. And so I'm forced to create more conflict. It's a situation that just feeds off itself. I guess I don't have the right to complain that no one understands my plan when no one would want to. But sooner or later, the game will end. And as much as I hate to admit it, I can't muscle my way to the conclusion I want. It might be easier if I didn't always live right on the edge. Funny thing about ice cream. If you leave it out of the freezer too long without eating it, it melts."

-

-

-

Ten was the magic number guys, what can I say. I promised myself I'd look into the possibilities further if I could find ten individuals who thought what I had written was worth the effort. Looks like I found them. Your support has been very rewarding. This has been one of the worst weeks at work I can recall for some time, so coming home and finding such unexpectedly encouraging reviews was enough to make me forget all about the woes of work.

I've gotten ahold of some of the more important source materials, so next week I'll probably be in a better position for these kinds of writings. Not that I'm promising anything! To some of my most vigilant "Awakening" fans, this little project is a bit like staying out past curfew. They like what I'm doing but I'll probably get chastised if I keep putting off work on my main story.

I'm not at liberty to disclose the details just yet, but I can tell you that in the future, I have a solution ready to implement that should please fans of both stories.

Having finished that, I'll know reply to some of the questions asked of me in the reviews:

Shanni C—I am currently 25 years old. I majored in English, so I feel that makes me qualified to work on fanfiction. Fortunately, many other people seem to agree with me. The only drawback is I often find myself expanding the vocabularies of nine year olds to ridiculous proportions. I do try to reel that in when I can, but sometimes it's going to happen.

Wyldheart—I've heard all good things about you (not to say I hear bad things about anyone else). Check your e-mail.

Number 6—My schedule is booked tight, but by cutting it a bit close with work and sleep, I'm seeing it.

Gerard Dominus—You and I talk like every night already dude. Thanks for supporting me in all that I do. Don't worry, Awakening's future is secure.

Blonde Cecile—I've seen maybe four or five episodes as of this writing. I break it into parts because this isn't so much a traditional story. It's designed to be thoughtful and surreal. And the quotes are some of my favorite parts to put in, and I try to make them interactive with the even numbered parts, for obvious reasons. The fandom has been overwhelmingly welcome, thank you for doing your part. You've all been so nice, I came back for more.

The J.A.M.—Whoops, looks like my cover's blown. I like to think I have grown exponentially as a writer since those days. My one goal, whenever I release any of my fanfiction, is to make my readers feel something. If I haven't made you feel, or at least given you something to think about, I haven't done my job. Sometimes I fail, but this is the goal I strive for each time I upload something here at FFN.

Em—Yes.

Eyks—Glad to hear you loved it. I had my reasons for cutting it off, because this isn't a traditional fanfic. I'm still not really sure what it is and if I'm going somewhere with it. But the emotions are important to me, they're what I'm going for. I hope you liked these new parts just as much. I'm most partial to Part VIII, myself.

Arynnl—Guess there's just no displeasing you! I tried to carry over the same style to these new selections, so with a little luck, you'll enjoy this as well.

DarthRoden—I'm reading one of your stories right now. I'll let you know which when I finish it and review. In the meantime, please enjoy this latest humble offering.

Okay, I think that covers all of you as of this writing. Hopefully the update will bring you all back. And if you still find this worth reading, be sure to tell your friends. I also encourage you to send me e-mail or look for me on AIM. I always enjoy meeting new people!

As always, please send your questions, comments, compliments, complaints, love letters, death threats, marriage proposals, and ransom demands to:

Lord Malachite

09/17/04

5:39AM, EST

E-mail:

AIM: Asukaphile26