The Sweet Hereafter: The Downward Spiral
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Part XIV: Cage
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"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."
-- Frank Herbert's Bene-Gesserit Litany against Fear.
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I cry as I pound my fists against my invisible cage for the hundredth time. How could I have let this happen? I'm better than this, aren't I? What have I done? Why didn't I see this coming? I. . .I guess I didn't want to see it. I thought I was strong, but I'm not. She is. I created her, nurtured her, all to protect me. And she has. She shelters me from the dangers of others. She makes sure no one gets close enough to hurt me. Why is she doing these things to them, though? Doesn't she understand that Arnold and Phoebe belong? They're okay; they don't want to hurt me! But she won't let them stay.
I have to get out of here and stop her before she destroys everything good left about me. I'm not afraid of who I am, the things I've done. Yes, I've made mistakes. I've hurt others, run them down, lashed out at them. That's who I am. I can't help that. I want to. I want to be better. But I can't do it alone. And once she's finished, there won't be anyone left to help me.
I have to do more than apologize. I HAVE TO! Listen to me Arnold, I'm coming! I won't let her get away with this! Don't believe her, don't listen to her. She isn't real, I swear it! I'm not afraid of you!
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Part XV: Keep Your Friends Close. . .
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"Out of the night that
covers me
Black as the Pit from pole to pole
I thank whatever gods maybe
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of
circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody but unbowed.
Beyond this place of
wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how
strait the gate
How charged with punishment the scroll
I am the Master of my fate
I am the Captain of my soul."
--William Earnest Henley
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"You're so predictable." Helga laughed derisively as she walked briskly through the neighborhood. "So weak, no guts at all."
Shut up.
"You really will do anything for love, won't you?"
I said shut up!
"Temper, temper, my dear. You made your choice. This will be a night Phoebe never forgets, I promise!"
Freak you! What has Feeb ever done to you?
"To me? Nothing. This isn't for me, it's for you."
Phoebe is my friend! She's one of the few people in this world who understands you're the character I created! She would never do anything to hurt us!
"You would take her at her word. That's why I'm in charge."
Stop this!
Helga did stop her walk, putting her foot up on a stoop and furrowing her eyebrow. "This is the only way. Someday, you'll understand that. I don't hate Phoebe. Truly I don't. But she knows about us, and she knows about him. She's too dangerous to keep around! What if she accidentally let something slip?"
Phoebe would never. . .this has nothing to do with Phoebe! Nothing! She would never betray me!
"She won't, once I'm finished. We're finished. I'll need your help for this one."
No!
"She doesn't have to die, you know. We just have to make her go away; make her forget a few things. She can find another best friend."
She's my best friend!
"Look, this is all getting a little bit silly. We're already considered to be a bit out there, do you want people to see us talking to ourselves?" Helga laughed.
I don't care about that! I care about my life! I care about my friends!
"You really ought to be more careful. Someone might see you showing something resembling human emotions. You know, maybe I should change the plan. We don't have to go get Phoebe. Want me to swing by Arnold's house? I could seduce him for you. Make him yours."
You stay away from him!
"Just like you always do. Write long soliloquies on how Arnold is all you want, but what do you do in the end? You'd rather be safe than be happy. Very well, safe it is. I'll take care of Phoebe and make Arnold hate us. Then it will be just you and me, alone and safe. As you want it to be."
That's not true! I don't want to be alone! I want to stay with my friends. I want my parents to notice me! I want Arnold to love me! I want. . .to know I'm alive by more than just pain.
"You can't trust them, you know. Remember who brought us into this world, remember what they did to us! We can't trust anyone else! Don't you know that no one will love you like I can?"
"You're not real."
"I'm real to you! And now, because you've chosen to hide yourself where you'll be safe, I'm real to everyone else as well." Helga turned to get a glimpse of her reflection in a storefront window. "And I don't look too bad. Really should do something about the bow, maybe something with these pigtails too." She grinned, pulling on them just hard enough to feel a dose of pain. "Not bad though."
I'm not going to compliment my own body, you psycho!
"There, you see? Some of me has rubbed off on you after all. Not so bad, is it?"
Well I had to survive, didn't I?
"Don't you see? We're the same, you and I."
We're supposed to be together.
"Lover."
Fighter.
"Join back with me. Together we'll get rid of those that could hurt us and be at peace."
No. I haven't forgotten those terrible things you said to me. What you might've done to him.
"I was merely trying to motivate you."
I don't believe you. You've changed. I still remember when we first worked together.
"We herded those weaklings like the foolish cattle they are."
For what? I lost him that day, because of you.
"Don't be so vain. You sought me in that moment. You begged me for help, nurtured me, called to me. And I came. I gave you my strength. Thanks to me, no one laughs at you now who doesn't regret it later."
No one likes me either. They tolerate me. They give me a wide berth to stay clear of my wrath. They laugh as I pick on Arnold or anyone else unfortunate enough to get caught in my sights, all the while being relieved they're not the one I've singled out. But they don't really like me. No one would miss me if I was gone, and many of them would be relieved.
"Nobody likes a whiner."
It's true!
"Shut up! We don't need them, any of them!"
You're pathetic.
"Enough! I'm going to pound Phoebe good for that one. And then, after she's broken, I'm going to find Arnold and make him hate us!"
NO!
"Yes. We'll both be better off without--"
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Part XVI:. . .And Your Enemies Closer
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"The strong individual
loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence.
He can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless,
aimless existence recurring eternally. The second characteristic of
such a man is that he has the strength to recognize -- and to live with
the recognition -- that the world is valueless in itself and that all values
are human ones. He creates himself by fashioning his own values;
he has the pride to live by the values he wills."
--Nietzsche
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Fate is a funny thing. And for Phoebe Heyerdahl, it was about to become a tremendous stroke of luck. Unfortunately, most of it would be bad. Phoebe was smiling innocuously at the world as she exited Green Meats with a small package in her hand. Nothing terribly exciting, but her parents had asked her to stop off on her travels that afternoon. Helga had completely disappeared after school, and every time she had dialed Gerald's phone number, she found herself hanging up before the first ring. Curious, she rarely had trouble talking to her friend, but Phoebe remained confident that whatever subconscious inhibition was keeping her from calling him would be temporary at best. And so, she walked the streets alone yet not unhappy. She enjoyed the late afternoon sun, all the more when the weather forecast predicted a dramatic thunderstorm would be moving in quickly over the next few hours.
Phoebe walked unassumingly through the streets, only in a general direction. She intended to be home for dinner, but she had little else to do this afternoon, and her package would keep for an hour or so. A little exercise would allow her to clear her head, keeping her mind sharp for the next day—Fridays tended to hold several varieties of pop quizzes.
So it was with certain irony that has Phoebe rounded a corner, she should see a familiar figure appearing to have an animated conversation with her reflection. "Helga?" Phoebe wondered aloud, still out of her friend's earshot. What was she doing? "Hey, Helga!" Phoebe called out, trotting in her best friend's direction.
Helga turned towards Phoebe's approaching form with a smile much too wide for comfort. "Well hi there, Phoebe. And how are you this afternoon, hmm?" Helga spoke through her grin, allowing it to settle into a more neutral expression. Its disappearance did nothing to dissipate the memory for Phoebe.
"I'm well." Phoebe smiled shyly. "I didn't see you after school and you weren't at home when I called, so I went out for a little walk. I picked something up for my parents at the butcher shop. They're going to make food to donate to the soup kitchen."
"My my, such a noble cause, wouldn't you say?"
"Why yes, of course!"
"So Feebs, dinner isn't for two more hours. What do you say we go and get a little ice cream."
"I-Ice cream?"
"Yeah, you know, the sweet, velvety kind that melts in your mouth, and you can't stop thinking about how good it is."
"I, um, I'm not very hungry, Helga." Phoebe answered.
"Oh come on, now. It's a perfect, sunny day. What better weather to eat ice cream in, right?"
"Actually, Helga, the weather man said there's a big storm--"
"Whatever!" Helga waved her off. "C'mon Phoebe, we're going to get some!" Helga insisted, taking hold of Phoebe's wrist.
"Helga, what's wrong?"
"You know a lot about ice cream, don't you? You know my favorite flavor, the toppings I like best, why, you're just a veritable encyclopedia of knowledge, aren't you? You really are at the top of the heap in school. There's just no denying it." Helga smiled. "What a great threat you are. . .to the grade curve."
"I guess that's one way of looking at it, yes." Phoebe's eyes darted back and forth as Helga kept moving closer to her.
Run!
"That's why I'm so glad to have you as a friend, Phoebe. You really understand me. You know how I think, you get me. I appreciate that."
Phoebe! Can't you hear me? You have to run!
"I. . .am glad you are my friend as well." Phoebe felt like she was getting smaller.
Helga nodded. "It's just too bad, though."
"What's too bad?"
Please don't hurt her!
"Shut up! I gave you the choice, Football Head or Feeb! You made it, so live with it!" Helga yelled.
"What?" Phoebe asked, feeling very confused and becoming frightened.
"You know entirely too much about me, Phoebe. I'm afraid I just can't have you hanging around, you might tell someone my secrets." Helga spat down at her, her face becoming one large sneer.
"I wouldn't do that! Helga, you're my friend."
"Well good! Since you're my friend, you won't mind forgetting everything about me. You know, a little amnesia?"
Stop this! Phoebe! It's not me! This isn't who I am! You have to believe me!
"But Helga, while psychology has proven that selective amnesia is indeed a true mental capability, the ability to--" Phoebe never had time to process what was happening as Ol' Betsy collided with her jaw. Phoebe flew backwards from the impact, dropping the small package from the butcher shop, her glasses flying end over end, catching the rays of the sunlight and creating rainbows on the pavement below. Helga was standing in place. She had been about to follow up with the full force of the Five Avengers, but saw little point as she gazed on Phoebe's crumpled form.
. . .Phoebe. . . how could you do that to Phoebe? You're insane!
"Am I?" Helga asked, shaking her wrist to shrug off any sting the impact of the punch might have caused. She walked slowly and purposefully towards the young Heyerdahl, each step making a purposeful sound that thrummed in Phoebe's ears as her senses slowly began to return. Helga stopped beside her friend, raising her left foot and planting it squarely on the girl's chest. "If I ever hear you talking about me or ice cream to anyone, so help me, I'll beat you so hard you'll be able to make a necklace out of your teeth." She ground her foot into Phoebe's chest for emphasis. Phoebe could only nod in both shock and fear at this horrific display of unjustified anger.
Looking thoroughly disgusted, Helga yanked the bow off her head and let it fall onto Phoebe's shirt. The girl stared up at Helga, not knowing how to respond to this unprecedented and unwarranted cruelty, feeling a mixture of fear, anger, and concern regarding her friend.
Helga returned the stare intently. She lifted her foot off of Phoebe and prepared to go on her way. Taking one last look at the girl she had always considered her best friend, Helga kicked her dispassionately. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a craving I need to satisfy."
Phoebe coughed as Helga walked away, still stunned by the abject violence. Something was very wrong with Helga, and she had to do something before the girl hurt anyone else, or worse, herself. It took Phoebe two full minutes to pick herself up, and she had to feel around for her glasses. Finding them a full yard away from where she went down, she slowly picked them up. One lens had been pulverized, but the other was salvageable. The frames mercifully hadn't been bent and seemed undamaged.
Phoebe's first instinct was to run home, but she replayed what Helga had said in her mind and instead began frantically searching for the nearest payphone. She had to get help for Helga fast or else her friend might do something she'd regret for the rest of her life!
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Okay, that's the end of this chapter. Written entirely in one night, can you believe it? But that's not all! I'm immediately moving into the next one, because I feel like I'm on a roll!
Would be a real kick in the head if it gets posted tonight as well. Mind you, I'm not promising anything, but it's a small possibility. If not, I'll definitely get it out tomorrow night. I think. I've got a dull toothache that's beginning to get more serious. I hope I can get this story wrapped up before I have to have that taken care of. . .
Anyhow, I know the story has gotten a little surreal here, but it's all planned. I know exactly where I'm going, and I hope it's an enjoyable (if bizarre) read for you all. I promise to keep working hard until this one's finished!
As usual, send your questions, comments, compliments, complaints, love letters, death threats, marriage proposals, and ransom demands to:
Lord Malachite
09/21/04
3:22AM, EST
E-mail:
AIM: Asukaphile26