The Sweet Hereafter: Time Enough For Love
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Part XXXVIII: Hourglass
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"She wants to meet her
fate, but travel by free will
But you can't have both and you can't stand still, still, still
I'll be the luckiest man in the universe;
If cause and effect
doesn't get there first
But she keeps on looking for patterns,
And the world just happens
Coz baby can't see through
All this matter, and
make up and déjà vu
Yeah we drift here alone, with nothing to do
Until one of us makes the other one come true
Yeah one of us makes the other one come true
She said 'These questions don't answer like other questions do
So just let me be here with you…"
--Something For Kate
"Déjà Vu"
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"You really are a masochist, aren't you?" I think my nostrils actually flared on that one. Get it together, Helga Old Girl! Talk to him like a normal human being, why don't you? This is exactly the chance you've been waiting for! I blink my eyes to refocus my vision, getting a better look at my white knight clad in a kilt. "I'm. . .sorry, okay? I know that I'm being difficult. It's one of the few things I truly excel at. Maybe I'm just being myself here."
"I brought your dinner, it's on the counter. I was hoping-" He must've gotten a better look at me, because his sentence died right in its tracks. It's amazing that he's just turned his entire weekend upside down for me. It's not as though I've ever done anything to make it worth his while. I mean, on my good days, I only insult him a few times. If I'm in rare form, I might pass him a backhanded compliment, if it's deserved. But I've never gone out of my way to do anything for him. He bends himself down to my pathetic level, proffering the plate with my meal, along with a concerned expression. "A penny for your thoughts."
"What? They're not worth more than that?"
"My mistake. Yours are priceless."
"I definitely like the sound of that. It's about time someone realized the value of my genius!"
"So, what's a girl like you doing in a place like this?" He has a habit of switching tactics a lot. I guess that's his way of trying to keep me on my toes. I wish it didn't work so well.
"I live here, Arnoldo. Doi!" What did he take me for, some kind of idiot?
"That's not what I meant. You're in a pretty bad place right now. So are you going to let me help, or not? Because however you're currently dealing with things, it doesn't seem to be working. And staying on the path of destruction. . .I know you better. You've been down that road already, Helga. You know exactly where it leads, and there's nothing out there that can help you. I want you to walk with me on a different path."
"Why does it mean so much to you to learn more about me? Why should you even care about what happens to me? I'm just a nobody!"
"Because I don't believe that at all. And I don't believe that you are the bully that you embrace, I see what you can be, Helga. And that person is someone who has a bright future. That person is someone who knows that there is a better way. Someone who embraces her better nature, who doesn't revel in secrecy, who seeks change, who lives her life to its fullest. She's someone I'm proud to know. That's the Helga Pataki in my life.
"She doesn't sound like anyone I know." Curse him for always seeing right through me. Or bless him. I can't be sure which. And he's right. He's right, and he knows it. "You're under the impression that I have so much to offer. Why?"
"Because I like to think that I'm a reasonable judge of character, Helga. You don't have to prove to me what I already know. I'm just glad you at least let me get to know you. Because it was worth it. And I know this hasn't been the ideal weekend for you, but I was hoping that we could hang out again sometime. You know, without the hospital." Breathing is something I'm finding all too difficult. Is this it? If this is my last chance, then I need to make something of it. I need to take a stand for who I am, who I want to be. I need to acknowledge my need.
"You're right." If my heard didn't take over and speak for me , would I have sat in quiet defiance, letting my life pass me by? I reach out with my arms and am rewarded with his embrace. The heck with dinner, he's all the nourishment I need. All I've ever needed. Because when I'm in his arms, I'm a little more real. I often feel like little more than a marionette. But this. . .he makes me real. He makes me feel like I'm alive. That I'm worth something. This is my home. It's always been my home. Funny how I decided on that. I hadn't even learned to stop wetting the bed yet, but I knew that he was the one. And when I'm in his arms, I know I have my salvation. That one thing that makes my life worth living, that I can believe in, and know that everything will be all right. "Will you stay?"
"I'm sorry?" Arnold asks, sound confused. He doesn't understand. I have only myself to blame, I suppose. I should know better.
A sigh escapes my lips. I'm upset with myself for being so articulate in poetry and my own private musings, yet I can't express this to him in even the simplest terms. "Do you really enjoy my company, Football Head?"
He looks so sexy when he smiles with confidence. How could anyone resist that? How can Lila even pretend that he's not her type? It's insane! Arnold is everyone's type. He should have a parade of girls following him around. But I always do it from the shadows. "Sometimes more than others, Helga. I've always liked hanging out with you when you weren't determined to be a killjoy. It's so rare that I ever see you look happy. I know that we're very different people. . ."
". . .But we don't have to be." I finished for him. "I want to believe that, Arnold. I need to believe that. My primary focus in this life is based on that hope. That's why I want you to stay with me."
"Stay with you?"
I nodded awkwardly, lifting my head from his shoulder, but just as quickly settling back into my niche. "Yes. Every morning, ever since the incident, you've been waiting for me. When I open my eyes, you're there. That's how I want my life to be. Each day, I want it to start with you. I want to take the first steps of each new day with you at my side. Will you stay?" And there it is. My chance at happiness. At a life less ordinary. An opportunity to dig myself out of this hole. I'm swinging for the fences and loving every second of it. Wait a minute, what am I saying?! I can't really mean that! Can I? Do I really enjoy living like this? Is it better than the life of constant fear and regret that I usually live? Is this a risk worth taking? A path that I must walk in spite of the danger? I shudder to think of the spiral that I'm in danger of slipping into. A failure here could easily toss me into a maelstrom of panic and self-loathing.
"You want to turn you and me. . .into us?" Arnold asks, trying to make certain that we're on the same page. It isn't often that we are, can't say that I blame him in the slightest. That's right, bucko. It's you and me forever. Changing my last name to yours would be the crowning achievement of my life. "I. . .I don't know, Helga. I mean. . .I'm not openly against the idea or anything, but that's an awfully big change. It's a little sudden, don't you think? I don't want to ruin what we have by going too fast. We're too good for that, right?"
Deep breaths, you can do this Helga. Stand strong. Don't give in to your anger. Put a face on what is happening here. Make him see what's important. "Arnold, please. You have to listen to me. There just isn't enough time left for us. I know that I may be moving fast. But I can't waste this chance." My fingers are gripping his shoulders as though I'm hanging from a precipice. I have to be strong. "If you walk out that door, we'll lose this. Don't tell me that I'm crazy. Just believe me. I don't want to lose this, Arnold. But I can't keep this together without you. I think about facing tomorrow morning, and I know that it can't be like this unless you stay. But I know my limits, and I realize that I will deny you if you leave me to my own devices. You're my hope for a better way. Stay with me. Please." If I look closely enough, I can almost see his heartbeat, reverberating in those beautiful eyes. How I long for ours to synch up in a rhythm, a duet to be played throughout eternity. Those pupils of his are mesmerizing, grabbing hold of my attention hypnotically. He truly is irresistible.
"Helga, I just don't want to push so hard we break. We'll have time."
"No, Arnold. You have time. I don't. You don't understand what will happen if I wake up and you're not there. This is too important for me to risk. I've spent my entire life, waiting for this time. I'm going to fight for it!"
"Is this it, Helga? Is this what has had you so worked up?"
"Yes! I've been terrified of this since I woke up. Since. . .since the day I met you! You're always talking about doing more. About being better. Making myself more than I am. Well here's the opportunity! Because I see what we can be! And there is not a single, solitary doubt in my mind that together, the two of us can spin this world around, faster and harder and brighter than anyone else has ever dared. All we have to do is allow ourselves to do it. We can. Believe in us! I've lived alone for so many years. And I've decided that I like the person that I am a lot more when I'm around you. You make me a better person. You've never given up on me once, no matter how much of the darkness I would let into my soul, you never stopped believing in me. You can't do it now. This is the only thing in life that makes any sense to me."
His eyes are narrowing. He looks truly unsure of what to do. I have to get through to him. "Helga, if this really means so much to you, I think it's all the more reason why we should wait. We have to tread carefully."
All I can think about is weeping bitterly. He doesn't understand. "There isn't time, Arnold." I'm starting to sound like a broken record. "I can't go back to that life! I simply won't do it! I cannot live a handicapped existence. I will not allow you to shuttle me off to a life that denies me my chance at the stars! Without you to guide me, to be my left hand, I won't be able to pull myself back up. You're my muse in life, Arnold. You've never turned your back on me before, don't do it now. I need you to stay and fight. I need you to help me keep the Helga Pataki that loves you safe from harm. I need you to save her from herself. I can't do it without you. So I'm asking you again. Will you stay with me?"
It's only when I finally stop my rant, my desperate cry for help, that I realize how difficult that must have been for him to hear. How much information did I just throw at him? I can still feel the tears streaming down my face, I never even bothered to wipe them away. Maybe I am getting soft. Or maybe it's just his influence on me. It doesn't matter. Right now, in this very moment, I don't care who might see me like this. All that matters is the end result, in getting him to stay with me. I can handle the rest so long as he stays. Of course, I guess that's easy for me to say since there aren't any other eyes on me at the moment, but it's the thought that counts, right?
Those lovely eyes of his search me completely. I feel like his gaze is burning right through my clothes, peeling away my flesh, and trying to bore itself right into my soul. He wants to believe me. I know he does! The deepest recesses of my heart dare to hope that I can convince him. Was my speech eloquent enough? Have I conveyed the urgency? Even if I have, will he believe in me? Six years going, and he still makes my insides go wacky. Just the mere touch, yea, even the though of his touch is enough to make my heart beat out of my chest. My face gets flushed, my eyes grow distant, an every never tingles with excitement. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
"I need you to answer something for me, Helga." I can hear the seriousness in Arnold's voice, a tone I almost never hear him use. He is taking this as seriously as I am. That surprisingly puts me at ease, somehow. Maybe it's because I know that he understands this is no simple matter to me. And if he can grasp that, if he knows how important a matter this is, how much the person I become is tied into him, then somehow, everything is going to work out okay. I don't have to believe in that, because it isn't a hope. I know it.
"Name it." For the first time in a long time, I feel confident when I'm speaking to him. I don't feel like he has the upper hand.
"If I stay with you, how will that carry over out there?" Arnold asks, pointing to the window. "What do you plan on telling Phoebe or Gerald? Not to mention the people out there who will be a lot less cordial, like Harold. If I tried to hold your hand in the lunch line, would you let me? If I asked you to a dance, would you laugh at me and tell me you hate me? What would your reactions be, Helga?"
I stumble backwards, away from him, because I realize that he's got me. Because he knows darn well what my reaction would be. I live a double life, and I keep the truth sheltered from prying eyes, only taking it out to bask in it when I'm certain that I'm alone. It's the truth. I couldn't admit the whole truth to Phoebe, and certainly not to Geraldo. I wouldn't dare give Pig Boy ammunition against me. I'd slap his hand away from mine as though it were a poisonous snake. I'd humiliate him in front of the whole school if he tried to ask me to a dance. He's absolutely right. Why is that? Now that's the question that's tough to answer. If I ever figure out that one, then maybe I'll finally win the game. "That isn't fair, Arnold. You know the answer already."
"Of course I know. I just had to know if things could be different. I don't doubt your sincerity, Helga. I'm very certain that this does mean as much to you as you say. And I like you. But you're just not ready yet, and I think you know it. There's no shame in that. We're only in fourth grade. I think what's most important is for us to be nine years old for as long as we can, because we won't be this young forever. And we'll have time to get it right when both of us are ready. That's something I have no doubt about. I just hope you can believe me."
"Arnold, I believe you. It isn't that at all. But if you walk out that door, I know what will happen to me. I know what tomorrow is going to be like, and that I'll be powerless to stop it. If you stay with me, we won't have to go through that."
"But then we won't grow. I'm happy to help you however I can, Helga. But I can't be your crutch. You have to continue to evolve on your own. You have to be that change, not me. I would be with you every step of the way. That's a promise. But the first step is one that you have to take on your own. I guess it's what you'd call a leap of faith. You can do it, I know that you can. Because you're one of the strongest people I know. Look at how much you've already survived. You don't let anything stop you, you don't let the obstacles that appear in your path slow you down for an instant. You hurdle them. You defy them. Now is the time to get out of your own way. Evolve. Embrace change. Show the world what you're made of. You've already begun. You told me that you love me. I want to believe that. I have faith in you, Helga. Maybe it's a cliché, but the power you seek isn't something that I can give you. It's something that comes from within. And I know that you won't give up on your dream."
"I want it to be our dream."
"Then fight for it."
"You have to understand what I will put us through if you take this route, Arnold. There's going to be pain." Why don't you get that? Don't you have any idea how frightened I am of destroying you? Don't you fear for yourself at all?
"I like to think that this is your chance to find a better way. I know you want things to be different. I'm not going to take you on a tour of your mistakes or your weaknesses. We all have them, you don't need the reminder. What you need to do is decide how you're going to handle them."
"This is who I am! I can't fight that! This is my life! This is all I know! It isn't much and I'm going mad but at least I can feel that!" Stop pushing me! If you're trying to make me cry you're doing everything right, and I just can't cut it!
"If this is how you intend to live out the remainder of your days, I feel sorry for you. And I know you don't want that. I don't even think you believe this is the way. Is this how you want people to look at Helga Pataki? You're not that weak and you know it. Take control of your own life, your own destiny."
I shake my head in such sorrow. I can't even cry or moan, because I feel like I'm past that. Have I settled on this life of diminished expectations? Am I so certain that this is the end for me? That this is all there is, all that I'll be remembered for? What if I don't have some greater purpose? What if the single purpose behind my existence is to complement you? Because I'd be okay with that. Do you have any idea how frightening that is? Of course not. Because you're not me. You live a confident existence. You know who you are and where you're going.
There's a quiet comfort in this meeting, despite how miserable I feel. At least we're being honest with each other. I've never been much for the truth. Lying just seems so much easier, it comes so naturally. And it carries no risk of having to offer up anything about myself. I keep the drawbridge to my heart fully locked. I don't want to risk anyone getting to know me that intimately. There's just too much danger involved, too many risks. But for you, my love. . .I want to. But I'm just not ready yet. And now I realize that even if I were, you wouldn't take me. Not as I am now.
He cares about me too much. It's so perfectly obvious. Why didn't I see that before? He doesn't want to rob me of my chance to be something more than someone who worships the ground he walks on. Now if only I could carry the same kind of confidence he does in me. "This is going to hurt." I try to put as much sincerity into my voice as possible.
Arnold nods softly at me. "I know."
I realize that here isn't really anything left for me to do, except what I was so rudely interrupted from before. "All right, we'll do it your way. But don't say I didn't warn you, Football Head. But first…" I gripped each of his shoulders tightly, making it impossible for him to get away. You're not going anywhere this time. You owe me! It comes to my total surprise that he doesn't resist me. More to the point, our lips have no trouble finding each other this time. These are the moments I live for. And there aren't enough of them. If you've never felt that longing inside, only to finally find acceptance, well, you'll never understand how good this feels. I'm completely disconnected from the physical aspect of it right now, because I'm connected to him now in a much more intimate way. Like this, it's as though I can reach out and caress his very soul. And despite how screwed up I am, I still want to wrap it up in my arms like a babe, and reassure him that everything will be okay with Helga here. Yeah, it's true. No one can love you like I can. It's the pain that I sense in you, hidden so deeply away, that delivers me such sorrow. I know that I'm a mess, but I still feel like I have to protect you. Maybe it's a maternal twinge, I just don't know. But I'm going to hold this moment in my heart for a very long time, because I don't know when the next one will come. Can he sense me the way I do him? Can he feel the sheer unadulterated love radiating off of me in waves? It's for you. Every last drop.
How long have I been standing on only one foot, my right leg curled back and up a notch? And I thought that I could lose myself in his eyes? That's nothing compared to his inner light, and the warmth of a kiss like this. This is my home. Where I belong. And I will be back to claim it.. Don't you forget it! I feel him slowly pull away, and though my heart longs for more, I have to be strong enough to let go. Opening my eyes and favoring him with a smile I have only worn in fantasies and daydreams, I plant a series of flash kisses on his delightfully plump ahead. My fingers slowly stop working the tender flesh of his shoulders, and I straighten his collar, then casually run the palms of my hands down his back, letting my fingers dig into the sweet spot, sending a shudder up his spine that makes me feel just as excited. ". . .a taste of things to come." I widen my smile, looking up to see Miriam standing in the doorway. Looks like I just can't have a moment of privacy after all.
Miriam looks at me with a coy expression. This is the part where she embarrasses me enough to bring me to tears. Desperate, I clutch Arnold to me fiercely, before he's able to recover. Anything to keep him from turning around and seeing her. As I hook my neck in place at his shoulder, I widen my eyes, wearing my most pleading expression and silently begging my mother not to interfere. She studies my face for a moment, then noiselessly pads her way to the counter, picks up the bottle of Tabasco, then leaves just as quietly as she came in. Letting out a breath I didn't even know I was holding, I turn my head to inhale the scent of Arnold's hair, knowing that this may well be my last chance to sample it for a very long time. He must have the patience of a saint to put up with the likes of me.
Planting a kiss on his cheek, I lean my head back and know that I've just developed a new fantasy for myself. Maybe the philosophers are right. I should live my life as though I'm going to die. Because it's probably true. But don't think I haven't made secret plans to live forever through him. Just a simple flick of my wrist, and I'm tickling him mercilessly. "See? I'm not without my fun and spontaneous side!" There's something about being in control that makes me feel a constant rush.
"So I've noticed!" He says between laughs, playfully poking me in the stomach, retaliating by attacking my baby fat with his own nimble fingers. He's definitely going to pay for that! He smiles at me, and I feel as though I'm glowing. He's never looked at me like this before. A girl could get used to it. "Helga, I think we're going to be okay."
"I can't promise you anything." I flatten his hand against my stomach with my own. I really should take Phoebe's advice and exercise to burn this small patch of flab off. What? Don't give me that look! I just want to look good in a bathing suit!
"You don't have to. Helga, you know that I believe in you."
"It's easy to believe in me now. It won't be the same after tonight."
"One day at a time, Helga."
"Wait. Don't go yet."
"It's a school night." Arnold sighs. Of course it is. Anything to stymie me, right? I'm making a list of grievances for the universe to here after I die. I'll sue my way into heaven if I have to!
"This will only take a second. I just. . .well, what I wanted. . .I want to let you know. . .I wanted to tell you. . .that I. . .I. . ." The way he places his hand on my shoulder, looking at me as though I'm real, that validates me in a way I've never fathomed was possible. This is the single most loving thing anyone has ever done for me.
"I know." He says softly. Just like that. One last embrace, and he turns to leave. My valiant Don Quixote, off to vanquish windmills for his Dulcinea.
"Hey Arnold?"
"Yeah?"
"Believe in me."
"I will, Helga. Good night."
"Yeah. Good night." As I heard him exit, I decided not to watch him. I wouldn't have been able to see much for all the tears in my eyes, anyway.
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And like that, another chapter gets completed just under the wire. Sometimes the ink is still wet when I run these updates through FFN. That probably explains the fair share of typos that leak through. This chapter was just one heck of a ride to write, let me tell you. It actually ended up more positive in tone. When I first conceived it weeks ago, I expected it to be much darker. But, as I have said so many times, I prefer to direct the characters rather than write them. As a writer, all I really do is come up with the situation behind each scene, give the character(s) his or her motivation. I then leave them to do there thing. They speak to me, and I write it down. I've never told Helga what to do. She does her own thing, I'm just here to chronicle it for you. Sounds wacky, I'm sure. But trust me, it works. As long as the soup gets made, I'm sure you're not worried about the details.
So, this was it. The much anticipated climax. Once again, don't worry. The story isn't over yet. By my count, you still get treated to another three chapters before you have to find another fix. It's a little saddening to be moving so close to the end. I do feel a need to get back to Awakening, and I don't want to disappoint anyone with that title, that's a story I still need to tell. I know I'll be back to it after Hereafter is complete. But I have to admit that it's hard to leave all this behind. I know I'll be back, that I can promise you. I'm determined to keep this audience!
Geez, I'm talking like I'm going away or something. You just stay write there! The chapter is over, but I still have a few more things to say before this story reaches its conclusion. There will be plenty of time for snacks later!
All of you who just keep coming back for more, you're absolutely wonderful. Don't ever change. The continued success of this story is all thanks to you. I couldn't have gotten here without the love, support, and encouragement so many of you in this fandom have given me. And when I'm finished, I'm going to work hard a spreading some of that around! To the newcomers, welcome, although I hope you're not so new to the story if you're this far in. Unless of course you're cheating and trying to see what happens ahead of time. Naughty!
A special message to Yardbird 9. Thanks for the recent thoughtful review from Chapter 4. I hope by now, you've read on and discovered that there's a reason why some things didn't seem quite right. As comedian Bill Cosby once said "I told you that story so I could tell you this one." I'll leave it up to you and my other readers to let me know if it was worth it.
I guess that I've rambled on long enough. Your eyes must be glazing over by now. Especially if you stayed up all night, waiting for this to appear in the Just In listing here at FFN. C'mon, there's got to be ONE person that waits like that, right? Oh phooey. All right folks, I love you all, see you in seven days!
And as always, send your questions, comments, compliments, complaints, love letters, death threats, marriage proposals, and ransom demands to:
Lord Malachite
11/15/04
5:32AM, EST
E-mail: ranger(underscore)writer(at)yahoo(dot)com
AIM: Asukaphile26