Stinky: In just two days we're outta here, fellers. It's about time we toast to the best months of our lives.

Arnold: I don't know, Stinky. I have a lot of stuff to do this summer. . .

Sid: What are you, crazy? Bow howdy, Arnold, this is Graduation Summer!

Arnold: So?

Sid: SO? Don't you get it? This is the last free period of our entire lives! And we have to spend it just the right way!

Arnold: Getting ready for college?

Sid: No! Don't you know anything?! This summer, you're not supposed to do anything but party and get laid!

-

-

Only two days from freedom. . .

-

-

Arnold: I just don't think I'll ever understand youth culture, Gerald.

Gerald: Hey, you do what you want. Look, I can party as hard as the next guy. But I am not about to ruin my life because I got high or drunk and damn near killed myself. Anyway, didn't you have a plan for this summer?

Arnold: Yeah. I was going to ask Lila to marry me. But then I remembered that she'd never say yes.

Gerald: You're a sick boy, Arnold, a sick boy. Besides, even if she did say yes, the divorce would kill you.

Arnold: No way Gerald! I would never get a divorce!

-

-

Helga: This is perfect! Arnold said he'll never get a divorce! Suddenly, this summer seems like a lot more fun. . .

-

-

Gerald: You have been in like a constant state of depression for practically the entire year, Arnold. Now we're going to Rhonda's party tonight, and you're going to have a good time!

Arnold: But I just don't think. . .

Gerald: No arguments!

-

-

Arnold: This is a great party, Rhonda. I was a little apprehensive about coming, but I'm actually enjoying myself.

Rhonda: Daddy said I should send us all off with style.

Gerald: I'd say you've got that covered in spades.

Rhonda: Thanks. And I'd say that style is something you're pretty keen on.

Gerald: Oh, I've been known to keep up with a trend or two.

Rhonda: I have a new arrival in my wardrobe from Milan. Drop by my room later and I'll show it to you. (winks, walks off camera)

Arnold: Gerald. . .

Gerald: What?

Arnold: Never mind. . .

-

-

Harold: I'm only gonna ask her!

Sid: Yeah right, Harold. I mean c'mon, like Rhonda Wellington Lloyd would let you so much as sniff her panties let alone spend a night with you!

Stinky: Yeah! It's like you're trying to shoot a turkey at five hundred paces or something, Harold!

Harold: She would too! Why I bet--"

Sid: Guys, relax. The night is young. Trust me. We're all going home with someone tonight.

-

-

Arnold: Helga! What are you doing here? I thought you were out picking up the vegetable platters?

Helga: Huh? Oh! Right! I was I just, um. . .I wanted to get some punch first, that's all. Care for some?

Arnold: Yeah, thanks Helga.

Helga: (muttering) Oh, don't thank my yet, boy. You'll thank me properly later.

-

-

Gerald: Arnold? Are you feelin' okay?

Arnold: Actually, no. I think I'm just going to lie down. Or maybe. . . (sound of body hitting floor)

Stinky: Willikers! He's out cold!

Helga: All right, one side geek baits. Lemme through. I took CPR last semester, you know?

Rhonda: Is he all right? He's ruining my party!

Helga: He's fine princess. Just go back to your little party. I'll take the Football Head to the doctor in case anything develops.

-

-

Dreams are about to come true. . .

-

-

Helga: Next stop, Vegas!

Curly: So long, suckers!

(slamming of brakes)

Helga: Curly? Get out. This romantic getaway only has room for two.

Curly: So ditch the dead weight and lets you and me light up the strip, darlin'

(Helga picks Curly up at the stoplight and throws him out the window)

Curly: So what time should I pick you up?

-

-

Hey little sister what have you done
Hey little sister who's the only one
Hey little sister who's your superman
Hey little sister who's the one you want
Hey little sister shot gun!

-

-

Helga: You'd think someone would've thought not to build Las Vegas in the middle of the freakin' desert!

Cop: Yeah, how inconsiderate of us.

-

-

It's a nice day to start again
It's a nice day for a white wedding
It's a nice day to start again.

-

-

Phoebe: Does anyone even know what happened to those two?

Rhonda: Phoebe, we're trying to have a party here.

Phoebe: But what if Arnold is really hurt and she had to take him to the emergency room or something.

Rhonda: Fine, if it makes you feel better, I'll call the police for you. . .

-

-

Handler: We have a variety of rings to choose from. What would you and the groom be interested in.

Helga: Whatever's cheapest, and make it snappy, bucko.

Handler (scowling): Any special vows you had prepared?

Helga: Yeah, the "I do" part. I'm in a hurry here, and— (Helga honks the horn) HEY! Move it, lard ass! I ain't got all night back here! Save the honeymoon for the hotel!

-

-

Hey little sister who is your with
Hey little sister what's your fasinish
Hey little sister shot gun (oh yeah)
Hey little sister who's your superman
Hey little sister shot gun!

-

-

Justice: Miss, is your groom alright?

Helga: Sorry. You have no idea how much he had to drink to ask me to marry him. . .

Justice: Really, I can't imagine why. . .

Helga (stifling a growl): Look pal, my plastic was approved, so can you just get to the part where we say our "I do's" and get out on our way? (swings her rear view mirror towards him) Because I really don't think the couple behind us is going to wait for the wedding.

Justice: Oh my. . .

-

-

It's a nice day to start again (come on)
It's a nice day for a white wedding
It's a nice day to start again.

-

-

Arnold blinking his eyes in the sunlight, looks to his right to see a half-empty bottle of wine, then to his left to see a half-dressed Helga, sleeping soundly in the fetal position, snoring, then screams

Helga (waking up): Huh? What. . .geez, Arnoldo, it's about time you woke up. Last time I listen to Curly about dosages on that stuff. . .

Arnold: What in God's name is going on? Where are we?

Helga: Las Vegas, Football Head. The city of sin. Speaking of which, wouldn't you like to—

Arnold: NO!

Helga: Now, now. There's no reason to be so shy. After all, we're man and woman now. (looks longingly at the ring on her finger)

Arnold looks down at his hand to see its twin, screams, and jumps out of the bed, running for the bathroom

Helga (laughing smartly): You can run all you like, bucko, but you can't hide!

-

-

Gerald: She did what?

Arnold (panting): Helga. . .kidnap. . .Las Vegas. . .wedding. . .

Gerald: What?

Arnold: Helga kidnapped me and got us hitched in Las Vegas!

Gerald: WHAT?!!!

Arnold: Just send me some money! I have to get home!

-

-

Arnold (running into the Sunset Arms): Grandpa! You have to help me! This crazy—

Phil: I can't believe you, Arnold. I raised you better than that. Begging this poor girl to elope with you and then abandoning her.

Arnold: What? That's not what happened at all. I—

Phil: I'm afraid you leave me with no choice, Short Man. You have to take responsibility for your actions. You're evicted, Arnold.

Arnold: WHAT?!

-

-

Arnold: According to Nevada state law, even without a license Helga's still my lawfully wedded wife for ninety days!

Stinky: Well fellers, there's only one thing you can do at a time like this. You got 'ta make the best of yer sitcheachn.

Gerald: I feel for you man. If there's anything you need…

Arnold: I think I just want to be alone.

Sid: Sure thing. . .Mr. Pataki!

-

-

Arnold: Look, Gerald, you've got to let me stay with you!

Gerald: I wish I could, man, but where would you sleep? The closet? Phoebe practically lives here already as it is. I just don't have the room. You're just gonna have to—

Arnold: Please don't say it.

Gerald: Arnold, you're gonna have to live with Helga.

silence

Gerald: Arnold?

Arnold: I told you not to say it. . .

-

-

Helga: I don't know what you're so worried about. I got this place for us two weeks ago. It's not like I didn't plan this thing out, you know.

Arnold: Helga, I don't even know if I'm talking to you right now. . .

Helga: I knew you'd be this way. You can relax, Football Head. It's got two bedrooms.

Arnold: . . .Let's just see how it goes.

-

-

Gerald: So you've been married for almost a month and you've only slept in the same bed twice?!

Arnold: Yup.

Gerald: And you've never?

Arnold: Nope.

Gerald: Man, you have the weirdest sex life.

Arnold: You say that as though you want her and I to--"

Gerald: Aw man! Now I'm never gonna get that image out of my head!

-

-

Arnold: Why did you marry me?

Helga: I dunno, it seemed like a good idea at the time. You said you were leaving the neighborhood. I guess I just couldn't let that happen.

Arnold: You're not going to tell me the real reason no matter how many times I ask, are you?

Helga: I have my own way of doing things. Want help with the dishes?

-

-

Gerald: So what's it like when you sleep next to her?

Arnold: It's weird. Helga's kind of. . .

Gerald: Kind of what?

Arnold. . .Bony.

-

-

Arnold: What are you doing?

Helga: I'm registering for my courses this fall. Look, I did this because it was funny to me. It was just a practical joke, Arnold. The only reason I've kept it going this long is because I've actually found it to be rather convenient. And it sure as hell beats living with Bob and Miriam.

Arnold: I don't think I'll ever understand you.

Helga: Heh, don't feel bad. Most people can't be bothered to even try.

-

-

Ernie: Look at it this way, Gramps. You raised a great kid, there. And you'll still see him all the time. He only lives a few blocks away.

Oskar: Besides, you'll always have me Grandpa! (laughs)

Phil buries his face in his hands and cries

Mr. Hyunh: Oskar! We are supposed to be comforting Grandpa! Not torture him!

-

-

Helga: You want to know why? Because I didn't want to be a Pataki anymore! I thought that maybe if I associated myself with the best person I know, that maybe I could change. Maybe I could get a fresh start!

-

-

Gerald: I don't get it! You said you couldn't stand her! She doesn't cook, she's always yelling at you, she spends your money, you've never made love to her once, and last week you call me all in a fit because she donated your CD collection to Goodwill! Why the hell would you not sign that annulment?!

Arnold: I know it sounds crazy, but. . .I think that I'm actually falling in love with her. . .

Gerald: You're a sick boy, Arnold, a sick, sick boy.

-

-

Sometimes you have to lose everything to find the only thing that matters

Helga: What the hell is wrong with you?! You've been begging me to sign that thing for months, and then when I do, you tear it up?

Arnold: I realized everything we would lose. I think I'm falling in love with you, Helga.

Helga (shaking with intensity, then whispers): Get out . . .

Arnold: What?!

Helga: I said get the hell out of my apartment!

-

-

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
I like watchin' the puddles gather rain

-

-

Arnold: I don't understand her at all. All I did was see something in her one night that I've never seen in anyone else. And all of a sudden, nothing she has ever done to me in my entire life mattered anymore.

-

-

Phoebe: Isn't this what you've been waiting for your entire life?

Helga: Not like this. I won't be made a fool!

Phoebe: Nobody is trying to make a fool of you, Helga.

Helga: Why shouldn't they? God gave them plenty to work with!

-

-

And all I can do is just pour some tea for two
and speak my point of view
But it's not sane,

It's not sane

-

-

Gerald: So what do you remember?

Arnold: I woke up one morning and Helga was in the kitchen, making breakfast in her underwear.

Gerald: And?

Arnold: She kept throwing things at me until I went back in my room.

-

-

I just want some one to say to me
I'll always be there when you wake

-

-

Arnold: Why do you always do this to yourself?! What the heck are you punishing yourself for? What have you possibly done that you need to deprive yourself of happiness at every turn? What is it, Helga? When are you going to stop doing this to yourself and just be here with me?

Helga: Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to. . .

-

-

Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made

-

-

Helga: What do you want from me? I told you the truth, even when I knew it was a mistake!

Arnold: I want you to stop existing and start living. I want you to stay here.

Helga: You have no idea what you're asking

-

-

This summer. . .

-

-

Phoebe: What do you need us to do?

Arnold: I need you to help me get my wife back.

Gerald: Oh, is that all?

Phoebe: Oh come on Gerald, this will be romantic!

Gerald: You're both insane, but it's not like I could ever say no to either of you.

-

-

Swead Entertainment proudly presents

-

-

Helga: I've been patient for fifteen years. I can wait a little longer, why can't you?

Arnold: Have I ever told you the story of my parents?

-

-

Phil: Shoot, I remember being that young. It was a right good feeling. Those days before the war were what life was all about.

Arnold: And after you married Grandma?

Phil: One argument after another. But you know what, Short Man? I was never happier.

-

-

Rhonda Wellington Lloyd

-

-

Rhonda: So what do you think? Are you going to stand there gawking, or will you be a dear and zip me up?

Gerald: You know me, I take my time. . .

-

-

Sid Gifaldi

-

-

Sid: So what do you say, gorgeous? How about you and I go out to the beach this Saturday?

Summer: I don't know. . .how are you at catching clams?

-

-

Phoebe Heyerdahl

-

-

Phoebe: You want my advice? Stop thinking and start living. I can't say I approve of the method you employed, but at the same time, I don't recall seeing you happier than when you first came back from Vegas. But now you're being so erratic that Gerald is distancing himself from me. And I'm not going to put my entire life on hold because of something you did!

-

-

Gerald Johanssen

-

-

Gerald: You're my best bud, and I've got to look out for you. And I'm telling you man, listening to your heart on this one is gonna leave you hurting.

Arnold: It's a chance I'm willing to take Gerald. Can't you accept that?!

Gerald: No, Arnold, I can't. Not this time.

-

-

Helga Pataki

-

-

Helga: Don't stand there and pretend to know who I am! Do you think that these stupid rings make you entitled to share in every facet of my life? Some things are better swept under the rug, Arnoldo! What is a heart, anyway, besides something to be used against you. . .

-

-

And Arnold

-

-

Arnold: Whatever happened to our childhood? We used to run this neighborhood up and down, always some new adventure or dilemma waiting for us. I had the best childhood I could have hoped for here. So forgive me if I can't understand why you don't want to help me create the best adulthood for both of us.

-

-

Are leaning the dangers of

-

-

Helga: I'm sorry

-

-

Gerald: This marriage stuff is nothing but trouble. . .

-

-

Phoebe: I'm always going to be a bridesmaid. . .

Helga: You weren't even in my wedding, Pheebs.

Phoebe: Don't remind me.

-

-

Rhonda: The truth is, I envy you Arnold. Because you have the convenience of being able to marry for love. Me? I can date whoever I like, but the pool for potential husbands is rather limited.

Arnold: I'm sorry about that, Rhonda.

Rhonda: I love being rich, Arnold. I wouldn't trade it for anything. Even being able to marry for love. But that old saying is true, money can't buy happiness.

-

-

Arnold: We were married! How can that not mean something to you?! It's not just something you do to amuse yourself on a rainy Sunday afternoon! You went to all that trouble, and now that you got what you wanted, you intend to just walk away? What is it with you? What has it been with you since the day we met? What do you want, Helga? Do you want to be loved? Or do you just want to live in a plastic bubble for the rest of your life?

Helga: I want to be left alone. . .

-

-

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain

Ya don't like my point of view

Ya think that I'm insane

-

-

Instant Gratification

-

-

Gerald: You have got to learn to let go. Why do you put up with her?

Arnold: You'd be surprised what you would do for someone you're in love with.

Gerald: Arnold. . .buddy. . .the girl is a certifiably psychotic bitch!

Arnold: Dammit Gerald! That's my wife you're talking about!

-

-

Opens June 2005

Helga: And why not, weddings are better in June!

Phoebe: Oh dear. . .

-

-

Gerald: I still can't get it out of my head. I'm gonna have to gouge out my mind's eye or somethin'!