The waiting has begun.
What were you like as a child?
"Loud. Obnoxious. Dominating. In other words, not much different than I am now. I remember how important it was for me to be noticed. I liked it when people pay attention to me. Still do. Even if they don't like me very much. I'm not looking to have a close, personal relationship with the world. I just want to leave my mark on it. I want the people I grew up with to tell their grandchildren all about Helga Pataki. Even if they hate my guts. In that way, it's like achieving a kind of immortality. I feel that the greatest honor that can be given a person is to still be talked about long after your expiration."
Do you love your mother?
"That's a much more complex question than you could ever imagine. For all intents and purposes, she is my mom. I love Miriam. There's a lot of things that I don't like about her. There are too many opportunities that we didn't have. Too many times she's let me down. I feel like. . .there's this giant chasm between us. Truth be told, there's a giant abyss between myself and everyone else in the family. We're not capable of understanding each other. Maybe we're just meant to live separate lives. I don't hate any of them. And I do love them all. Even Olga. But just because you love someone doesn't mean you can live with them."
Who are the people that you consider to be your friends?
"I don't really do the whole friendship thing. I make it a habit not to trust anybody. Makes it much harder to get hurt. Phoebe is a special case. She is the only person in this world who seems to understand me. I'd do anything for Pheebs. Okay, almost anything. There are a few needs of my own that I would put before her. But very few. Sometimes I feel as though she's my own little project. I never want anything to happen to her. She has so much talent and potential. I made a promise to myself that no matter what happens to me, I won't drag her down. And I intend to keep that promise. Which hasn't been easy over the years, let me tell you."
Do you believe in God?
"I definitely believe in some sort of higher authority. God, Fate, Time. . .whatever you want to think of it as. I'm not really the religious type. Maybe I should be. God only knows I need something to take comfort in. The reason I believe in something is that, well, I just don't believe that there's any way my life could be so completely screwed up by accident. So I figure either I must've done something to really piss God off in another life, or I'm the result of some cosmic kind of practical joke, or maybe, just maybe, the universe has some kind of plan for me and that it's unfolding as it should. I like to think that might be the case. But I dare not trust to hope. One false move, and hope can ruin you. Hope is death. Hope is fear. And hope is also the one thing that has sustained me through every day of my stupid little life."
What do you plan on doing with your life?
"Now you're starting to sound like one of those tedious college applications. I don't even know where I see myself five years from now. The awful truth is that I have no long term plans. Even my short term ones are sketchy. Maybe I'm just hoping that getting a degree will change things, inspire me to take on something. But I never even expected to get this far in life. I thought I'd be dead by now. Guess I'm made of stronger stuff than I give myself credit for. What I really want is to be a bride. His bride. I know, I know, you're not going to buy that one, but it's completely true, I swear it! And it's going to happen for me soon. Don't ask me how, I just know. Because everything that is meant to happen, does. One way or another."
Have you ever thought about having children?
"Several times. I can't help but wonder what that would be like. I guess what usually scares me about that thought is how I might screw the kid up somehow. I mean, I'm totally a product of my own rotten upbringing. I don't even have that much of a conscience. I want to make sure I do the right thing. Have them with the right person. Treat them the way they deserve to be treated. No child of mine will ever feel like they have to fight for my attention. That's just how I am. I suffered so much, having to practically scream just for my parents to remember that I exist. I could never do that to my own flesh and blood. It's funny. I've only held a baby maybe once in my life, but I can already tell that I have a strong maternal instinct. Maybe it's because I'm something of a fighter. But if I do end up with a little boy or girl someday, I definitely want them to have a better life than I've had. But I'll bet everyone says that. It's the name that concerns me. I don't want to wish the last name of Pataki on anyone else. I'm not one of those liberated women who won't take her husband's name, or go in for the whole hyphen ordeal. Don't get me wrong, I'm not exactly old-fashioned either. Um, I'm kind of getting off the subject here, aren't I?"
Do you think that people can change?
"I don't know. Maybe. But I don't put a lot of faith in it. I mean, honestly, I've been trying to change for all my life. I haven't had much luck with it. I just. . .look, I know that I'm self-destructive, and kind of bitter, and a pain in the ass to most people. I'm not going to deny it. I'm dead on the surface, but I'm screaming underneath. There's a lot more of me that no one else has ever seen. And I'm not alone. Everyone has a side of themselves that they never share with anyone else. Well, maybe one or two really special people in life. When I find the right person, I'll show my more sensitive side to them, sure. But in the meantime, I'll keep denying that I even have one. In the greater scheme of things, we are who we are. So can we really change? Yes. But that begs a completely different question, don't you think? If we change who we are, then are we really even in the same person anymore? Following that line of thinking, we can't change. See what happens when you ask a cynical city girl about philosophy?"
What's the deal with your sister?
Olga. Oh yes, I know Olga. She's a special case. See, on the one hand, I'm in total awe of her. Show me any list of overachievers, and I'll show you Olga Pataki's name right at the top. And of course, I hate her for it. She's taken an awful lot from me. I don't think that she meant to. But that doesn't make it all better. Over the years, my hostility towards Olga has diminished somewhat. Mostly because somewhere alone the line, I figured out that it was my parents who were to blame for the way I was treated when I was little, not Olga. I was always the unnecessary one. Now when I think of Olga, the most resentment I feel is how she set the bar so high that anything I did couldn't help but be a disappointment. But it's Bob who I really can't stand. Make no mistake, I am my father's daughter. I take after him in both looks and action. I keep thinking I'll learn not to do that. I've resolved to do just that several times. But here I am. Anyway, I don't really hate Olga anymore. It's just that we don't have anything in common beyond being siblings, and even though I realize how hard she tries to get along with me, I just don't think that we're meant to be close."
What kind of man do you like?
"There's really only one man I can ever picture myself being with. I'm not the kind of person most guys would want. Which is okay, because I'm not much on dating at all. I do some socializing, but it isn't much. But there is one person who's holding onto my heart. Trouble is, I still haven't managed to tell him. It isn't easy to tell someone how perfect they are. How they open the shades and bring light back into your soul. It's corny, but I do get an actual glow when I watch him from afar. I can't help but think about him. I've done it every few minutes of every day for so long I can't remember anything else. So many times, I've thought about doing something. Approaching him somehow, but I always chicken out. I've never really been good at getting what I want. I compensate by pushing other people around, but I never really got a handle on this one. People say I'm crazy, and they may be right. But do you know all I really want in life? I just want him to look at me and see past what everyone else does. I want him to see me as I want to be. I want him to look into this face and see how much love I have to give. I want him to tell me that I'm beautiful to him, no matter what anyone else thinks. A man who will love me for who I am. A man who will value me simply for being me. That's the kind of man I like. And there's no doubt in my mind that he's the one. It's time that I did something about that. High time indeed."
On June 13, the waiting will be over.
Instant Gratification
Anticipation is the name of the game.
June 13, 2005. Only at FFN.