Chapter 10

Punishment

Paperwork had been the last thing on Gil's mind that night. In fact, the word 'paperwork' might have never existed as far as Gil was concerned, for he'd given it no thought at all. But somehow, one question from Sara had suddenly made him realize how much a silly pile of paperwork could actually cripple someone's personal life in a very strange way.

He hadn't really thought paperwork had any real impact on his personal life until he and Sara had settled down to watch the first movie. He chose to sit a foot apart from her on the couch rather than directly beside her. He wanted to take this slow, and not rush too fast. He wasn't comfortable with the thought of cuddling down on the couch just yet.

"Do you want to get together for breakfast after the end of shift tomorrow?" Sara asked casually, she leaned back into the leather couch, crossing one leg over the other, she folded her arms over her stomach comfortably.

Gil didn't say yes, or no, he gestured towards the television glad that the DVD movie had started before he'd had a chance to properly answer. The truth was he wanted to go, and he had been on the brink of saying yes, but then he'd remembered what he was always doing at breakfast time when the team were leaving after their shift – on their way to breakfast together, or on their way home.

He'd be sitting behind his desk trying to clear a large backlog of paperwork he'd somehow managed to neglect. Not only would he have tomorrow's paperwork to deal with before leaving work, but he'd also have the paperwork from tonight, since he wasn't at work at all, the paperwork would just be thrown into his intray as if it were the penalty for having a night off.

Until that moment, he'd never realised how much of his time paperwork took. Time, that now, he was going to have to make for Sara if he expected to have any kind of relationship with her at all.

I never even considered the paperwork aspect, he realised, he glanced out of the corner of his eyes towards Sara, who was very much engrossed with the movie. How am I going to deal with it? The only day I ever have any free time during the week is when I get my two days off – there's no way Sara is going to settle for that – two days a week. Especially since she works on one of those days.

Surprisingly, time seemed to go by fast when the movies were on. He turned the lights down – but not off completely. The less romantic the setting, the better.

Gil tried to convince himself that it was better the first date wasn't very romantic at all, that way, he had no standards to keep up to afterwards. He was sure if he tried to explain this to Sara she might throw her wine in his face and storm out, so he remained quiet.

Three movies later, and it was three in the morning. Gil barely felt exhausted, but Sara had begun to look very tired. If the two of them had not been used to the demanding hours of nightshift, perhaps the date would have ended sooner, but neither had really noticed how late it had become.

"You never answered me about breakfast," Sara said, she gave a yawn as the credits on the final film began to roll, she gave a stretch and rolled her neck, an adible crick made her wince.

"Let me get back to you on that," Gil responded, "I need to see what my paperwork backlog is like before I make any future dates with you," he sighed.

Sara looked at him, "you've left it to pile up again, haven't you?"

"Habit," he shrugged sheepishly, "every time I get to my desk it's sitting there like this big huge pile of punishment – punishment probably for loving fieldwork too might," he added frowning, "Sara, you look exhausted," he suddenly said.

"I am," Sara, let her head rest back against the leather of the couch, she looked at him, "I really need to get going," she made a face at this, as if she didn't want the night to end. Gil didn't understand why she should want to stay any longer, it wasn't as if the night was the most romantic night she'd ever experience in her life – it surely couldn't be something she wanted to cling onto.

"I'll call you a cab," Gil stood slowly. He couldn't drive her home after all the wine he'd had, and he certainly didn't want to let her go find her own transport.

"Before you do…" Sara gestured for him to stop where he was, "I need to know something…"

"Yes?"

"You sat a foot apart from me," she gestured to the empty space where he'd just been sitting. "Any reason you don't want to be near me?"

Gil hesitated, "I…uh…it's not that I don't want to be near you," he said, he picked up his phone, and grabbed the yellow pages from the end table, "it's just…"

"Just…you're still having problems with this shyness?"

He fell silent, but then managed a grumbled "Somewhat…" he then pretended to be preoccupied with finding the number for a cab company.

"Somewhat…so that means that it's not just your little shyness that's the problem here," Sara said.

Gil glanced up to her, somehow the words spilled from his mouth before he'd had much time to consider the consequences of saying them, "would you have preferred foreplay for dinner, sex for desert and a cigarette for after?"

Sara just laughed, "after waiting as long as we have? That might have been warranted," her voice didn't betray any surprise at his comment.

"I'm all out of cigarettes, sorry," he tried to joke, "Why the rush, anyway?" he asked, "if we waited this long to finally…get to this point…then whats a further couple of days…or weeks…or even months…before…we think about anything else?"

Sara smiled a little, "I'm sorry…I'm just used to the direct approach, I guess."

"I can be direct, Sara," Gil chose a number in the yellow pages for a local cab company and he quickly dialed, "but being direct with you just wouldn't feel right," he added quietly, and felt very exposed for admitting this.

He made arrangements for a cab to come and pick her up and take her home, then put down the phone, "cab will be here in ten minutes," he said. He took the DVD they'd been watching out of the player, and placed it into the case it had come with, slid it into the bag with the other two they'd watched tonight, and placed it on the table, "how much do I owe you for the DVD rental?"

"Nothing. You took care of dinner, I took care of the DVDs. We're even," Sara said, she seemed quite crestfallen suddenly, and Gil wondered if he'd done something wrong.

Gil moved over and sat beside her on the couch, this time, he sat directly next to her, as opposed to a foot away, so that the side of his thigh pressed against her own, "listen…" he murmured in his softest voice, "I...am struggling here. There's something about being here with you right now that feels completely different from anything else I've ever felt with another woman – and not in a bad way. But…it's something I've never had to cope with before."

Sara stared at him.

"Do you know what I'm saying?" he asked, hoping that this was his way of saying he loved her without having to exactly say the words. He had literally strained his mind to come up with the explanation, but he was very aware he was still leaving it very vague.

Sara shook her head in response. He wasn't sure if she did understand or if she was just anxious to hear more.

"I don't want to jump to conclusions about…what the feelings might be but I have a pretty good idea…" he found himself stammering through the words, but he pressed on, "and…because of how different it feels…with you I mean…I want to take this slow to make sure there's no mistakes…"

Sara tilted her head a little, looking at him as if she were trying to understand a complex puzzle hidden in his eyes.

"And like I said…this is the first night of many…there's plenty of time. I'm not going anywhere," he assured.

"How do I know that?" Sara asked.

"Because I'm telling you," Gil picked a piece of lint off of the shoulder of her t-shirt with a delicate absence, "I've spent four years…working beside you, you know how I felt, you always knew," he said, "and those four years…pent up…holding back on those feelings is what caused me to kiss you when I did," he tried to explain, "and…I worry that…" he trailed off.

"That if impulse would make you do that, it might make you want to do other things?"

"In a nutshell. Not that I think I'd hurt you with an impulse stronger than the urge to kiss, but…I'm afraid I might…ruin our relationship more than build on it."

"Okay…I get it now," Sara nodded, "And…I guess it's nice…that you want to…take it slow. Most guys out there expect women to put out on the first date…"

"I am not one of those guys," Gil responded.

Sara hesistated, she had something to say, but Gil could see her struggling with it. He decided not to ask. If it was important enough, she'd say it, and if it wasn't, she'd leave it be. He got up and wandered over to the window, he saw the cab pulling up outside.

"Your cab is here."

Sara stood slowly, she picked up the bag with the DVDs, "I'll see you at work tomorrow, then…"

"Let me see you to the cab…" Gil led her to the door, "remember what I said…work is for work, and we don't discuss us at work," he said, "as of tomorrow…we have to try and stick to those rules."

Sara nodded.

Gil took her all the way out to the cab, and he opened the door for her. Sara looked at him hesistantly again, as she was about to step into the cab.

She expects some kind of affection, you idiot, Gil thought angrily at himself. You kissed her two nights ago and now you won't even take her hand, or take her in your arms…if you like the girl you're supposed to end the date with a little affection to let the girl know how you feel.

"Sara…" Gil said, stopping her as she was about to climb in.

Sara paused, looking at him, the door of the cab between them both.

"I'm glad you came over tonight," was all he could manage.

This is getting ridiculous, you've held her hand before, you've kissed her, hard and passionately for several minutes, why can't you just show some kind of emotion right now? It's not going to do any harm. This simply isn't good enough, you have to try harder or you'll lose her before you ever even had her.

Sara gave a somewhat half-hearted smile and a nod.

Akwardly, he leaned across the top of the door of the cab to kiss her forehead. He felt incredibly foolish in doing so at first, until he saw the relieved smile spreading on her face. Okay, so maybe it's not exactly a heated passionate lingering kiss like the one from a few days ago but it's something, he thought.

In moments, she was gone, the cab disappeared into the night, and Gil gave a sigh. Once, his heart had felt as if it were sinking every time he was near her. Now, as she left his sight, his heart sank Not only because she wasn't with him anymore, but because when he got into work, he was going to have to deal with the overload of paperwork just to be with her.