Chapter 13

Always

"I still can't believe you can cook that good," Sara said after breakfast, she'd let Gil demonstrate how to make pancakes – it was something she'd never really tried to do before.

"When you live alone for as long as I have, you have to learn some domestic skills," He shrugged, "especially if you like food that isn't from a microwave, but don't want to eat out every night to have it," he added.

Sara was washing dishes at the sink, Gil stood and watched her, he was sipping on his second cup of hot coffee. He'd offered to help with the dishes, but Sara insisted she do it – especially after he'd cooked dinner.

"Have you always lived alone?" Sara asked very suddenly, "I mean, since…y'know, growing up and moving out of your parent's house?" she asked, "I've known you for so long, but…I don't know much about you in that respect. You're such a dark horse," she teased.

Gil shrugged, "I had roommates in college, but, well, I kept myself to myself, I was practically invisible," he assured, "I've had a few roommates out of college – when I was down on my luck with money and needed a place to stay I had to rent rooms in total strangers apartments until I had enough money for my own place…" he explained.

Sara watched him all the while, glancing over her shoulder at him as she cleaned the dishes, there was something very questioning in her expression.

"I've never lived with a woman, if that's…what you meant though," Gil finished off, he let his eyes meet hers, briefly.

"Seriously?" Sara asked, she put the last dish in the rack and dried her hands on a small towel.

"Seriously," Gil replied, now feeling quite uncomfortable, he felt this revelation might have been far too personal to have let out just yet. What was she thinking of him? He shuddered to think.

"I'm sorry, I know I'm being nosy, it's just…I hardly know anything about you other than what you do at work and how you act at work," Sara explained, "you're such a mystery to me."

"That's sometimes a good thing," Gil sipped his coffee again, so that it gave him a reason to be quiet at that particular moment, he was hoping she wouldn't ask him any more about his personal life. He was still very uncomfortable sharing anything with her about himself.

Sara picked up her own cup of coffee from nearby and took a sip, then she said "How many serious relationships have you had?"

Gil spluttered on his coffee, "Uh…" he coughed, "none that count as far as I'm concerned," he mumbled, he felt his cheeks flushing.

Sara blinked, "oh?"

"Yes," Gil put his coffee down, he wiped a few spots of spilled coffee from his shirt. He wished he could escape after having embarrassed himself so much in front of her right then.

Sara just smirked a little, "oh," was her response, she looked down into her coffee cup, the corners of her mouth still twitching in a smile she was trying to hide.

Gil watched her for a moment, the sun had now risen and was spilling through the window spilling it's shimmering light upon her, her dark brown hair caught the light, and seemed to sparkle. As she was kissed by the magic light of morning, he was tempted to kiss her, but he resisted. He looked away from her, he felt awkward and out of place, he glanced down to his feet and pretended to find something interesting in a scuff on the side of his left shoe.

Sara was standing as if she wasn't sure what to do now, she'd made coffee, and she'd done dishes. Now she was standing idle, looking as beautiful as she always did.

God, I hate these awkward silences, Gil thought, he tried to look for something to say or do, something that would take away this awkward idleness he himself had. He glanced to his coffee, which was almost finished, and decidedly, he picked up the cup and moved over to spill the leftovers down the sink.

Now that he was closer than before, Sara tried to catch his attention, "Grissom," she said in her softest voice.

Gil didn't turn to her, he turned on the faucet and rinsed out his cup. "Hmmm?" he asked, he put the cup down on the rack on the counter.

"Look at me," Sara said.

Gil took a deep breath, he really didn't want to look. He was afraid if he did he might lose all reservation within himself.

Sara reached over towards him, took his face in her hands and turned him so that he did look at her.

I feel like a child, he thought as his eyes met hers. She's so much better at this than I am, and I'm so much older that this feels like it should be the other way around. Why does she make me feel like a helpless inexperienced teenager every time she comes near me?

He drew his breath, watching as she leaned in closer. Sara's lips brushed very lightly against his for barely a split second, and then she moved away, smiling slightly, "you need to stop feeling nervous around me," she said softly.

Gil stammered, "thank you," he gave a nervous laugh, "but…y'know, I really should get going…" he said, "I…need some sleep before the next shift – and so do you."

Sara nodded, "I know," she rolled her eyes and smiled all the same as if she'd expected this to be his next response.

Gil picked up his jacket from where he left it and he pulled it on. Sara led him towards the door, she seemed relaxed and happy, he on the other hand was on edge and unhappy – not unhappy with Sara, but unhappy with himself. He just couldn't get used to this relationship no matter how hard he'd tried.

It's early days, Gil, he reminded himself. In two weeks, or two months, things will be different. You'll feel more comfortable around her eventually – that's if you can last that long in a relationship with Sara at all.

Gil stepped outside as she opened the door for her, but he stopped in the hallway and turned towards her, "I'm…really sorry," he said.

"For?"

"For not quite…being as…good at this with you as I probably should be."

"It's fine," Sara assured.

"It's just…I'm not quite…used to this," he confessed openly, and wished he hadn't, he feared she might see into his very soul.

"I know. Me either," Sara said, "I just hide it a lot better than you do," she teased.

Gil smiled then, he realised of course this would be just as hard for her to get used to – especially since he was after all her boss. That had to feel awkward somehow. "I'll see you at work, Sara," he said softly.

Sara nodded.

He didn't kiss her goodbye as he left, he couldn't quite bring himself to.

At some stage you're really going to have to start kissing her, Gil. He thought angrily, She's not going to be forever with your cooking her food and plying her with wine or coffee forever.