RATING: PG-13 for language (could change as the series progresses)
SUMMARY: another look at the second generation of thirdwatchers, this time Carter will tell his story, and maybe surprise a few of his friends along the way!
AUTHORS NOTES: the first half of this story is Carter's POV of what happened the same day as where the last bit of Emily's was, then jumps ahead about a month for him to tell everyone something. the second half was really hard to write, and i don't think i got it right, but it was an honest effort so pls don't be too mean with you critisims.
apologies for the delay, i had issues with writing the second half WARNINGS: certain orginals will have died, and their deaths may be explained as i feel fit. there are potential spoilers up to the end of season five, so if you're not that far on TV then don't blame me i spoil something for you.
emily and charlie's ages have been altered to fit with this story, so that there is only a small age difference between Alex and Emily (otherwise it would have to be 15-16 yrs and that wouldn't work) please tell me what you think trista aka the dustytiger
I never realized before the kind of drive it took to do what I do. I'm a firefighter, and I love the job. That day I was reminded why. From a fresh faced rookie, who was not even a firefighter herself. We were having a slow day down at the house when a call came in. No one would have guessed what we would see. A school had blown up, we found out later from pretty normal causes. To look on the bright side, as I always did it was a fairly small private school with no more the fourteen students in each class, with only one class a grade from kindergarten to sixth grade. Sure it was a lot of kids, but a lot less then if we had been called to any of the city's over crowded public schools.
Both of my parents had been paramedics, and I always knew that I wanted to save lives too. I was also fascinated with fire so it made perfect sense to me that I had decided to become firefighter. It didn't surprise anyone who knew me that I went on that path, although there are many things that will be brought out later that did, in fact, shock and surprise everyone that I knew. Back to the day the school burned down, the day I remembered my passion for the job. Or perhaps I should explain why I lost my passion in the first place. Mainly it had to do with being in a slump where I had not got patted on the back and told that I was doing a good job for months. I should have known it had nothing to do with my abilities and more to do with a hardass for a boss. The fact I had only just got my cast off that morning was not helping my confidence much either. The crew and I were pretty much the ones who were pulling people out, with exception of a couple of the medic staff. We ended up having to call in guys from another squad to help out, but it was someone I had just met who would help me out of my slump.
I was feeling pretty happy with the amount of minimal injuries when I heard a call over the radio saying that a kindergarten aged boy had gotten trapped under the teacher's desk. We found out after that he had been scared, and remembered that he had seen a movie where they said that if there was ever a bomb or earthquake and you were at school you should hide under your desk. Too bad his parents weren't there to tell him that sometimes what you see on TV isn't exactly right. I decided to go in and see if I could help at all. Garry and Paul seemed to have it under control. I stayed a moment longer to watch the new girl, Alex. She was trying to get the other kids to leave the room with her.
"Okay everyone listen," she said. "Can one of you please tell me the name of the boy under the desk?" Three of them raised their hands, she pointed at a little girl. "Go ahead, Sweetie."
"That's Jake."
Alex looked over. "Jake, all right guys?" They both nodded. "Now I need you all to pick a buddy, just like when you go on a fieldtrip. Now I want you all to hold your buddy's hand so I know if you all have buddies." We both scanned the kids there were six pairs of children. "Okay, next I want whoever is the bravest to come and hold my hand." One little boy came over, with his buddy in toe. "All right now I want the rest of you to come with your buddies and hold everyone else's hand so we are all holding hands." They all did as they were told. "Now we are going to go outside, where you're going to see all kinds of people. Don't worry about anyone but your buddy. All of us are going to find one of my friends and then we're just going to make sure you're all okay. While the two nice men here help your friend Jake, okay?"
"Okay!" they all said.
I watched as they all went out together. I looked around and it seemed that most of the classrooms had already been looked through. The ones that I could see already had teams in there. We were an odd numbered squad, so I generally went alone. I was fine with that I worked better by myself. I decided to look outside to see if anyone could use my help. Everything seemed to be under control Alex had left the kids with her partner Emily and had run back inside. I couldn't understand what her rush was. There were only broom closets that had not yet been checked. I was a little worried about the little boy under the desk, and was going to go in and check on him when I saw Gerry and Paul brining him out on a board. I smiled, glad to see that he was breathing, and crying very loudly to prove to use that his lungs were, in fact, working. Emily ran up to me, and handed me her radio.
"Hello?" I asked confused.
"Thank goodness, Carter are you busy?" she asked.
"I always have time for you."
"This is no time for jokes, I found a few more kids. They're in a broom closest for some reason. It's pretty close to the place of impact. Hurry!"
"Can you lead me there?"
"Of course."
I followed her directions to the tee, and soon found where she was. I was surprised that she knew that it was close the point of impact. Because any broom closest would have a lot of damage. I looked around and saw a deck of cards. The kids looked like they were in one of the older grades. I wondered why they weren't in class and how they got away with it in a school so small, for a moment.
Then I realized that they had picked a broom closet which had chemicals in it, and two were burned badly, one had minor burns and was trapped under a shelf which had fallen over, and as was another one but he didn't seem to have any burns, and was fully responsive.
"What's your name?" Alex asked him.
"I'm Adam," he told her.
"All right Adam, I'm Alex, and this is Carter, we're going to get you out of here."
"You're a firefighter?"
"A paramedic. What are your friends names?"
I checked all of their pulses as best I could. They all had weak, but stable pulses, I knew we were going to need help. I called on my own radio for backup and ended up getting Garry, and someone from the other squad.
"Eve, she's my girlfriend, next to me. Luke and Dana who were on the other side, they're twin brothers but Luke died his hair blond."
"Thank you."
He grabbed Alex's hand. "Don't leave me!"
"I promise I won't go far." She smiled at him.
"Am I going to be okay?"
"You're going to need a hospital stay but if you're talking I can't see why you wouldn't be fine."
"What about the others?"
"We'll do everything we can," I said breaking my silence, as Garry and the other guy came in.
"She's fire?" asked the guy from the other squad.
"Yeah," I lied, giving Garry a look to go along with it.
"I've got a female, named Eve, blondie would be named male named Luke, and his twin brother is Dana."
Each of us worked on getting each separate one freed. Alex stayed with Adam as we lifted the others onto boards, and to stretchers. The guy from the other squad left, I helped him with Dana, and then he came back to help me with Eve. He took off after that in the bus with Dana. I went back for Alex and Adam. I helped her, she went right into the bus with him after thanking me, then I got into a bus with Luke. Somehow we didn't get to the hospital in that order.
When everything started to settle down, I looked over to see Alex had fallen into a chair, and was getting chewed out by Emily. I decided to get myself a glass of water, I never drank coffee, that stuff was poison. As I was leaving almost half an hour later I walked past an employee lounge where I saw the Lieutenant and Leo chewing out Alex for her role in it, I walked in, always wanting to help.
"You could have been killed in there!" the Lieutenant screamed. "You had no business being in there Doherty! I know you found them but you don't have finders rights! When someone who has more specified training comes in it's your duty to leave. If you don't do that then you will be reprimanded!
"I wanted her to stay, Boss," I explained. "She had an instant bond with the responsive vic. She was able to get everyone's name, and since her vic seemed to be in the least danger, that no harm would come of it. None of us were using our masks at that time, and she did have a helmet. It's my fault she didn't leave."
"You thought wrong! Don't do that again!" He stormed out, and Leo followed.
"Thank you," she said.
"No problem, but just cause I didn't say to stay didn't mean I didn't feel you should. You did have Adam's trust, and it would have been worse for you to leave."
She shrugged. "I guess so, but I probably shouldn't have been there."
"Ever think of trying for the squad?"
"Naw, not my thing."
I shook my head. "You were really good out there. Emily should be glad to have a partner like you."
She smiled at me. "I don't know she seems pretty pissed with me right now."
"She's just jealous that you have more nads."
She laughed. "I know she didn't go in there cause she was thinking about her daughter. that's more important then a Freudian bigger balls contest any day."
I nodded, and she left. Leaving me alone with my thoughts. I stood there for a long moment thinking about what she had said. We put so much clout into who's braver, and she was right there are so many things that were more important then who was the bravest that day, or any day.
I couldn't get that idea out of my head. It had helped me to get out of my slump. It didn't matter who did what out there, or who received a bonus for their efforts. All that matter was that you did your job, and you helped as many people out of dire situations as you could. No one was going to be the top dog everyday, and that didn't matter, there was more to life the showing that you were the most manly.
Of course if we had the most manly awards at the house Emily and Alex would both place before me. Especially after the revelation I decided to make about a month later. It had started out like any normal day. Emily was crying on Alex's shoulders about Dylan, again. This time not only had the had sex again, but he actually belittled her after.
"Have I gained weight?" she asked me in tears, needing a man's opinion.
"Not since you had the baby," I replied.
"He called me fat!"
"He called you worse then that Em!" Alex snapped.
"Look, Al, you just don't understand."
"No, I don't, but I want to help you."
"I'll change everything about me to get him to love me back!"
Alex looked at me for help, I could offer none. "Emily, it is not healthy to be someone you're not, for any reason. You are an amazing person. I'm sure if Ang could vocalize it she's tell us that you're a great mother. Everyone else who sees you as you are loves you the way you are, except the one person you want to love you."
"I don't care! I only want him, I love him."
"THIS is not love, Em, you have to know that. Love is being true to yourself. Love is doing stupid things cause he does it too. Love is not what you have. What you have is a recipe for disaster."
"No, but I can change."
"There is only one thing you need to change, my friend. Your feelings for that asshole. When I see him I'm going to give him a piece of my mind."
"No! Don't! This is supposed to be a secret."
"Whatever. Look we'll continue this in the bus." She turned toward me. "Hey Carter! No blabbing the fire boys about what they already know."
I shook my head, and watched the two women compose themselves, then leave for the day. Her advise to Emily to be true to herself seemed to ring true in my ears. Maybe it was what she had said, or maybe it was just time, but I knew I needed something off my chest. I decided to go to one of my best friends, who happened to be my half sister for advise that night.
Although my father had been in contact with Kylie her whole life I didn't meet her until I was a teenager. It was my fifteenth birthday party, my father had already told her about me when she was about the same age, so she decided that she wanted to go to my birthday party to tell me the good news herself.
At the time I was not even remotely happy that I had a half sister, who I had known nothing about. I didn't cause a scene at my party, but for two years after I refused to even talk to her. Then when I was eighteen I needed someone who was more then just a friend to confide in, and I thought of my sister. It was almost like an initiation, to see if I could trust her that I went to her.
If she ever wondered about my motive, she never expressed it. I called her, and we started doing stuff together, going for coffee, shopping, for a few months. Even before I dropped the bomb on her, she had come to the conclusion that I was gay. She was the first person I ever admitted the truth too.
For a very long time she was the only person who knew my secret, and it bonded us, because we both carried a weight because of it. It wasn't that I thought my father would disown me, it was just that we knew he would be very hurt to discover his only son was gay, so he still doesn't know.
I tried to do manly things to get myself out of it, believing that I was just going through a phase or something. That was another major factor in my becoming a firefighter instead of paramedic. Rugged firefighters were not gay, and I thought I could cure myself. I laugh when I realize that was actually how I thought. I honestly believed that if I tried very hard it would all go away.
About a year after I joined the squad, I told my mother the truth about my sexuality. I knew that she would never tell my father and break my trust. I had been right, her knowing the truth is one of the few things she keeps from my father. She also told me that it didn't surprise her at all, and that I should just be who I was.
As I told the two people who know the truth, it's not that easy. Although it's really hard to deny your true identity, I emotionally could not handle losing most, if not all my friends, and possibly even my career.
More and more of late I had been noticing when people were saying to others to be true to themselves, and I started to think that I needed to start using the mantra in my own life. I wanted so much to be true to myself, but I didn't want to lose all the pieces that made me who I was in process.
I had left a message for Kylie to come to my place once she got off work. I got home, and barely even had time to switch the kettle on for a cup of herbal tea when I heard the buzz to let her in. I let her up, and she let herself in, locking the door behind her. She was so much more paranoid then me. She would always tell me that one day I would get home to find all my belongings gone. I reasoned the only time I didn't lock the door was when I was in the apartment, but she didn't believe me.
"Hey baby brother, what's on your mind?" she asked.
I laughed. "Before we get into the nitty gritty would you like a cup of tea?"
"Do you have coffee?"
"I bought a small package of instant for you, tell me if it meets your standards."
She laughed. "I don't have coffee standards, if it's caffeinated, hot, and black I'll drink it!"
A few minutes later I came out of the kitchen, with a cup in each hand. I handed her hers, and sat down next to her.
"I don't know how you drink that stuff," we both sighed at the same time, sending us into a laughing fit.
"I would assume from your call that this isn't going to be a sit down and shoot the shit night?" she asked.
"You would be right, I've just been thinking a lot about how you and Mom are the only two people that know, I'm gay, and I'm getting so sick of lying to people."
"It's not really lying. It's just not telling them the whole truth."
"Either way I'm starting to feel like the weight is too much to handle."
"Do you really want to come out to a bunch of ruff and tumble bucket boys?"
I shrugged. "The longer I keep it a secret the worse the beating is going to be. Besides it's not like I'm even attracted to any of them."
She laughed. "That might help soften the blow."
"I just don't know how to do it."
She nodded. "I understand, if it was me I'd tell the girls first, they'd be more accepting, and at least then you'll have a couple people at the house in your court when you tell everyone else."
I nodded. "That makes sense."
"What if it all blows up in my face?"
"You're strong enough to pick up the pieces and move on."
"I'm not so sure."
"Carter, I know you well enough to know that if the shit hits the fan you will be able to move on with it. You'll be upset that it went down the way it did, but you won't regret being honest with everyone about who you are."
"I guess so."
"No," she stated, looking right into my eyes. "I KNOW you will not regret it."
I shrugged. "It's not that easy, Kylie."
"I never said it was going to be easy, but if you hit a rough patch I'm here for you, and so will your parents."
"Yeah, I'll always have my family, and I'm sure that at least a couple of people from the house will still want to know me."
"You're the one who's always telling me to be positive, it's my turn to remind you." She smiled.
I nodded. "I know that I should be positive, but it's really hard, telling everyone is going to change your life."
"How do you know that it'll be for the worst?"
I shrugged. "I guess I don't, it's just I've been dreading telling certain people for a long time."
"I understand that, Carlos is really a hardass sometimes, but even so, he's a big softie when it comes to his kids."
I wasn't convinced. "I don't know about that Kylie, I just really don't know."
"If he really was as macho as he likes to come off in everything else in his life, he would have stubbornly kept me to raise himself. Instead he made a choice to let me go so that I could have the family that he could not provide me at that time. Someone who doesn't care about their kids would never do something like that. He could have let me be his life, a Daddy's girl, not knowing what it was like to have a family, but he was able to see the it was better for me in the long run. I'm sure he'll be upset at first, but once he realizes what a struggle this has been for you, I know he'll understand."
I could feel myself tearing, I always forgot that Dad would not have had Mom to raise Kylie. Her reminding me made me realize that, eventually, Dad would be okay with my coming out of the closet, and Mom would help him to see that it wasn't the end of the world too. I also knew that even though she was probably right, this was going to the hardest thing I had ever done.
I figured the best course of action would be to tell Dad first. I wanted Kylie there when I told him, so I called him and asked him to join us for a cup of coffee. It didn't take him long to arrive at my apartment. I was glad, in a way, that Mom was out with friends, so she would not have to deal with him when he found out that she had known the truth for so long.
"I get a sneaking suspicion this has to do with something more the just coffee," he said, after his hellos, and had gotten his coffee.
I shook my head. "You sound more and more like Mom every day," I told him.
"They tell me that's what happens when you become an old married couple."
We all laughed at his joke. Kylie was pretty much being silent, knowing that was really only there for moral support.
"Your suspicion was right, Dad," I told him, looking at the floor.
He took a sip of his coffee, nodded, then looked at me. "Whatever it is just get it out, there's no sense in beating around the bush."
I nodded, and looked at him for a long moment, and got the feeling he knew what I was going to say before I said it. "Dad, I'm gay."
He simply nodded, and took another sip of his coffee. I had expected him to do something more then that. I glanced at Kylie who was sitting in utter shock by his non-response.
"Dad, did you hear me?" I asked.
He nodded. "I did, and I was wondering when you were going to get around to telling me."
Now I was confused, my father has never been intuned with the universe, and now he was accepting this as if it were nothing, something had to be wrong.
"What?" both Kylie and I asked at the same time.
"I'm not stupid, I know that your mother knows, and didn't tell me, or else you would have wanted her here as well."
"How?" I asked.
"Father's have intuition too. Besides, Carter, you've never had a girlfriend, you've been on dates when you were in school, and even sometimes now, but you've never brought anyone home to us. I've had good reason to believe it since you finished high school, and have been waiting for you to work up the courage to tell me. I'm glad you finally did."
I hugged him. "I'm sorry Dad."
"It's okay, you didn't think I'd be all right with it, and at first I really wasn't but then I realized that if you did tell me that you were gay, there would be nothing I could do to change that. It is part of who you are, and if I wanted to change it I would have done it much sooner."
I was kind of glad that he had a pretty good idea about my sexuality, because it made it a lot easier for him accept, since he didn't need time to mull over things. He had already accepted the fact that I was gay, and if I had come home with some girl he would have been just fine wit that too. I was glad to have a father who accepted me for who I was. Now if only telling the rest of the people I needed to tell would be this easy.
The next morning I was hardly able to get out of bed. I just wanted to hide there forever so I would not have to tell another soul the truth about who I am. I'm not ashamed of it, it's just something that I would rather not share with a group of men I shower with! I knew if I got to work early enough I could talk to Alex and Emily before the rest of the guys came in. If I chickened out I could ask them to vouch that I wasn't feeling well. It was the best plan I could think of.
I got out of bed, and got ready to face what would be the hardest day of my life. I got there early because I knew that Emily and Alex usually tried to get there early enough to avoid the rest of the fire guys. I couldn't think of anything else but what I was going to say to them all the way to work. It surprised me that I had not managed to kill myself on the way in that day.
When I got to work the two of them were sitting at the table, dressed to start the day, sipping on their first cups of coffee. I poured myself a glass of water and sat with them.
"Good morning, Carter," they both greeted at the same time.
"What do you want?" I asked, concerned.
"Nothing," they, again, said in unison, making me know that they were up to something. They laughed hysterically.
"We just need a man's opinion on something," Alex assured me.
"If you're okay with giving it after we ask the question of course," Emily explained, I swore I saw an evil smile under that shy glance.
"Go ahead, ask me anything."
Alex smiled. "We're just wondering why it is that men are so turned on by lesbian porn, because we're fine with men loving each other it's just not something that we'd want to see. Past maybe a kiss or another tender moment that people accept from a male female couple in public."
I looked perplexed, but at least I would not have to steer the direction of the conversation to far to make my confession. I shrugged my shoulders, unsure what to tell them since, obviously lesbian porn did nothing for me.
"I really don't know why that is. I'm not really into lesbian porn, or any porn really," I explained. "I know that Garry prides himself on being a porno buff, if you wanted to ask him."
Emily laughed. "Not likely, Carter, we asked you because you are the only person here we may actually want to hear an opinion from."
"Sorry I can't be of more help." I wanted so much to walk away, and forget all about it.
It would be so much easier to stay locked in the closet forever, but I knew that one day I'd regret not being honest sooner. I just wasn't sure how to bring it up. What was I supposed to say, on the subject of porn I only like gay porn, cause well, I'm gay? I don't think that would work. I also thought that it would be odd to come out at the firehouse, but where else was I supposed to tell co-workers?
"You've got something else on your mind don't you?" Emily asked.
"And here I thought I was the one intuned with the universe," I laughed.
She laughed. "You are, and I'd never try to take the title from you Carter."
I laughed. "That's good cause I'd have to defend it to the death. But, yeah there is something on my mind, and I'm not sure how to say it."
"Do it the New York way and just blurt it out before you think," Alex offered.
"I'm not sure that this is exactly something that I want to just go and mouth off," I reasoned. "But it may be the best way, just to come out and say it." I paused for a long moment. "I want you two to the first at the house to know that, I'm gay."
"I knew it!" Emily exclaimed.
"Jesus, am I that obvious?"
"A ruggedly handsome firefighter with a heart of gold NOT having the chicks dangling from him can only mean one thing."
"What does that mean?"
"In the time we've worked here I've never seen you with a girlfriend, a bimbo, or heard any kind of jocked up story about your love, or my appropriatly, love life."
"Besides," Alex added. "The nicest guys are always gay."
"Except Tyrone right?" Emily, added with a laugh.
I saw the silly grin on her face, the same one I wanted to have once I finally found love. I was glad that they didn't seem to think it was a big deal. Of course they weren't the guys that showered with me every day.
"So have you told anyone here but us?" Emily asked.
"Not yet, I hope you'll be around when I tell them for moral support."
"You just want us to be your bodyguards!" She exclaimed with a playful punch.
I laughed. "If it comes to that I think you'd be better just to wait till they're done with me and drag my sorry ass to the hospital!"
"Maybe you could meet a cute nurse!" Alex laughed.
"Nurses are the best!" Garry exclaimed, coming in having only heard the last part of the conversation.
"Pig," snorted Emily.
He shook his head, and went upstairs, the other guys flowed in within a few minutes of each other. I knew that when they were all down I should break the news. I wished that the bell would go to save me from that fate, but I knew I would not be so lucky. We were all downstairs, drinking coffee, and waiting for something to happen, although I don't think anyone suspected that it would be an announcement that would send us into a fury.
I couldn't think of any other way to just come out and tell them the truth.
"I'm gay," I said, not realizing I had said anything out loud, it got so quiet you could hear a pin drop. "Yeah, that's what I said! I said that I'm gay! All right are you happy now! You don't have to whisper and wonder, I just came out and said it."
Everyone looked at me in shocked silence. Okay, so that was not how I imagined that going, I had actually lost my temper before anyone could say anything to anger me. I sat down, and waited for them to say, something anything, but no one did. Of course, right after everyone seemed to have taken in the confession the bell went off, and all any of us could think about was getting to the fire.
For a few weeks everything was strange every time I would walk by everyone but the girls would pick up and walk away from me. They felt betrayed, but didn't want to say anything to my face. That was probably the loneliest time of my life. When we were riding in the truck, I was quiet, scared to get involved, because I knew that they wouldn't want me too. It was strange, but I would have preferred that they had kicked the living shit out of me and got it over with, instead they were acting like school boys. When we were supposed to be brothers. I knew that I had lost their trust, and couldn't think of a good way to gain it back.
Part of me wanted to go back in time and take it all back. I wished so much that I had just kept it all locked inside, and this way nothing would have changed. I felt like an outcast any time I was with my crew. I even backed out of a drinking night because I just couldn't handle doing anything with them that I didn't have to. Emily and Alex were really supportive during the whole thing, and were somewhat of liaisons between me and the rest of the guys. They had even tried me to go out that night to show them that I was the same person that I had always been, but I just wasn't up to it.
I knew that I was the same person I had been for a long time, but it would take them a while to realize that for themselves. Instead of playing into any kind of trap, I just waited, patiently for the storm to pass, and with anything really, it went away. Garry, who I figured had been up to it, had come up to me to talk about what I had said.
"So, how long have you been gay, man?" he asked.
I shrugged. "I've been gay all my life," I responded.
"So you've never been with a woman?"
I shrugged. "Actually, I have, I wanted to make it go away when I was in high school, and college, but it's not like that. This is a part of me, it always has been, and I've realized that it always will."
He nodded. "So, have you ever liked anyone you work with?"
I laughed. "Hell no! I know what firefighters are like, I wouldn't go near one with a ten foot pole!"
He started to laugh as well. "That's a relief, at least we don't have to worry about you checking us out in the shower." I shook my head. "You guys are just not my type at all."
"Buy you a beer?"
"Sure."
So that's how it happened that he, and the rest of the crew accepted who I was. It felt good to finally get the weight off my shoulder. It felt even better when I was finally able to feel like everything was back to normal. I was glad that everyone now knew the truth.
end notes: i know the beginning is stronger then end, so pls don't tell me, i had already decided he was gay, and wanted him to come clean, but wasn't sure how to write it, i hope it somewhat worked tho... hehe anyway pls tell me what 'ya think next up think will prolly Kylie, but it may be Dylan