AUTHOR: trista groulx
DISCLAIMER: kim, jimmy, alex (taylor), faith, bosco, carlos, holly, doc, ty, sully, emily, kylie, joey, charlie and anyone else who pops up from the TV series are not mine, they belong to NBC, their creator, and the actors and actresses who portray them. the idea for third watch is so not mine, but anyone who i've created for this story are mine so ask if you want to use them
RATING: PG-13 for language (oh muse stop trying to go "r" you bad girl)
SUMMARY: Alex here again, to tell you about when my father and brother met Tyrone, but some stuff about my mother ended up taking centre stage.
AUTHORS NOTES: i've decided to make these second parts a tad longer, with three sub parts instead of two, i know at least for alex, emily, dylan and tyrone, i had some issues on kylie and cater's first parts so i'm hoping i can do them justice the second time around... anyway all right be ready for lotsa plot twists... like holy plot twists batman and muse slow down i need to catch up here! jimmy and joey come to NY for a visit, no coping out here folks, some great joey alex bonding, some old school (season 1-3 and half) jimmy skeletons, and even the bobby skelton falling out of the doherty closest, many more skeltons falling we'd have a body count like the end of "hamlet" on our hands here folks! read to find out what my muse gave me this time around...
I could hardly believe that I had been in New York for over six months. I was curled up on the couch with a cup of coffee, waiting for my father and brother to come. They were expected any time. It was going to be their first visit since I had moved. Partly to see where I was living, but more to meet my new boyfriend. Tyrone, who had moved in with me a few months earlier.
When I had woken up that morning, all I had wanted was to have a lazy day. But I couldn't do that, I spent part of my day cleaning, and the rest of the day worrying about what would happen when they all met.
Tyrone was supposed to have had the day off too, but he had messed up on the dates, and got four days off, but was one day off. I knew that it would be very awkward to come in a couple of hours into the visit, but that was how it was going to have to be.
I was more worried about my little brother. He had always been a little over protective of me. I knew that he was not big on the idea of me living with a guy. Especially one who he didn't know a thing about. I told him to just trust me, but I knew he wouldn't until he scoped him out for himself, and did a thorough inspection.
I had to make super before they got there, but since they were driving I didn't know when exactly they'd arrive. I didn't want to put something on too early, then have it be overcooked. I was glad that I was going to be able to spend a couple of days with them, I had gone back to visit them once, but I missed them a lot. It had been hard getting adjusted, but I was glad I had moved. I had learned a lot of the stuff I had wanted to while I was in New York. Not only about my parents and namesake, but also about myself.
I didn't know why I had worked so hard to get the place clean wasn't like they cared that much. I guess I was really doing it to busy myself, so I wouldn't worry about what they'd think of him.
When I had told my dad that he was going to be moving in he was less then impressed with the plan. I guess I'll always be Daddy's little girl, since he never seemed to accept the fact that I was growing up. But he warmed to the idea little when he realized I'd have a cop around to protect me all the time. I knew he'd be all right with the idea once he met Tyrone.
I decided to put the casserole I had made earlier into the oven. It was just pasta, meat, and cheese, nothing fancy, but it was pretty hard to screw it up when you're not sure when you were expecting people. I decided to curl up with a book, until they arrived. I didn't much like TV, and thought that reading was better use of my time. I was just getting to an exciting part in my book when I heard the buzz of someone at the door. I went to the phone, to see who was there. Sure enough it was them, and I let them up.
I wondered if I had reminded them that I had a walk up? Only moments later I hard a knock at the door. I let them in, they each had a duffle bag of stuff. I directed them both to the bedroom to put it in for the time being.
"It's small," Joey commented.
"This is New York, there's small, smaller, smallest, and over priced," I laughed.
"It's a lot nicer then I thought it would be," Dad said.
"Yeah, I'm glad I didn't drive right by it. I was going to, but I was desperate. It's so run down on the outside, but the whole inside is fairly new."
Dad had picked up a photo frame off a side table. It was of a group of us from one of our last drink nights. Tyrone and I were off to one side, his arm around my waist, there were a couple of pictures that someone had taken where we were kissing while everyone was figuring out how to pose. I didn't think that was picture I'd want to have framed in my living room. Emily was next to me, yelling at the guy taking the picture, and the rest of the gang were just doing stupid poses.
"Who is everyone?" he asked.
"Well, the guy next to me is Tyrone," I laughed. "On the other side is Emily Yokas, next to her is Kylie," I had to think for a moment. "Kenny, then Carter Nieto, and Dylan Mathews."
Joey took the picture. "Which one is your partner?"
"Emily," I answered. "With the curly hair."
"All right, she single?"
I shook my head. "She has a kid."
"Can't blame a guy for asking."
"It scares me that two of Nieto's kids are protecting New York."
I laughed. "Only half of the genes are his. I like Carter, he's a fun guy to work with."
"Does he have better luck with women?"
I smiled. "Carter's gay, Dad."
My father started roaring with laughter, I was surprised he wasn't on the floor laughing. "His son is gay?" he began laughing again.
"Wow if the fates had been fair, your son would have been gay mister sensitivity." I muttered.
"Hey! I resent that remark!" Joey exclaimed.
We all went into the kitchen. They sat on opposite sides of the small table, as I took the dish out of the oven. I served most of it, leaving some for Tyrone when he got in. We all say down and ate in relative silence. I cleared the plates, and they went back into the living room.
I popped in, asking "Does anyone want coffee?"
"That would be great," Dad said.
"I'll have one too," Joey agreed.
I went back into the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee. It had already been a long day, and it hadn't even really started yet. Not only was I up earlier then normal because I was nervous, I'd be up late because I knew that Dad would have a million questions for Tyrone as soon as he came through the door.
The coffee finished, I poured three cups, and prepared them the way everyone liked. I came out with Dad and Joey's then went back into the living room with my own. Dad was on the love seat, and Joey was on the couch. I decided to sit on the recliner. All of us enjoying our coffee, but unsure what to say.
I was so nervous about them meeting him, and I knew that there would be tension until he came in. I was worried that they would not like him at all. At least when I had met his father it had caught us all off guard. By the time I had to meet his mother he had already sugar coated me to her. It had also helped they then both thought I had saved his life, even though I was really just doing my job.
It would only be a matter of time before he came home from work. It would be the moment of truth, and logically I knew it would go smoothly. I also knew, however, that they would pounce on him as soon as he walked through the door, and I had given him fair warning.
I had asked them to at least let him through the door, before grilling him. But I wasn't sure if they were going to do it. The door opened, and I was glad to learn that they did let him get through the door before starting. He took off his shoes, and came to where they were sitting. They had both stood up.
"Hi," said Tyrone, shaking each other their hands. "I'm Tyrone, you must be Alex's father, Jimmy, and brother, Joey."
"Yeah," Joey said.
"You look so much like your father, just with longer hair," Dad commented.
"I don't get that as often as you'd think," he laughed. "Certainly not as much as Alex hears it. Every time she meets someone know knew her mother they tell her she looks exactly like her."
I was glad that things seemed to be going all right. "Do you want some coffee?" I asked him.
"I'll get it myself when I'm ready," he assured me.
Dad and Joey had moved to sit on the sofa together. He sat down on the loveseat, and I moved to sit next to him. I could tell he was still nervous, but he seemed a lot more calm then when he walked in the room. I took his hand and caressing it lightly, to calm him further. No one seemed to know what to say, and silence was getting more then awkward.
"How's work going, Joey?" I asked my brother.
"Good, it never really changes though," he chuckled. "How about you?"
"Great," I replied. "I'm thinking about taking the firefighter's exam." All right, so it wasn't the best time to drop the bomb, but it got them all talking.
"What?" all three asked me.
I had decided to try my hand because of the way everyone was praising me for working on Tyrone, and few other cases where I had been told I had been especially brave, I decided that I'd see what happened, then if I could get through a fire simulator I'd be fine. It was being away that made me think I might be able to handle it.
"Yeah, I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I don't know if could actually do the job, but I want to see if I can pass all the tests, and maybe try it. I know it's going to be a lot of work, but it could be interesting."
"Alex, it's dangerous," Dad tried to reason, not that his argument held much punch, coming from an ex-fireman.
"How long did you do it for, and you're still here. Besides you were fine when Joey was gonna do it," I reminded him. "You supported him. Even if I got through everything I'm not sure that I'd take a job on a squad. I just want to see if I could pass everything, you know? I just want to challenge myself. I've just been thinking a lot about it, and I really just want to see if I could."
"Alex, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with it."
"Daddy!" I heard myself whine. "I'm not a little kid anymore, I'm not gonna not do it just because you told me not to!"
"Are you sure about this?" Tyrone asked me.
"Yes, I want a bit of a change, and a challenge. I just want to know if I could actually do it. Everyone tells me I'm so much like Mom, and she wanted to try it so, I want to try for her."
"Where did you get that idea from?" Dad asked.
"About mom?" He nodded. "I know she told me a few times. When I moved I came across an old box of mine, that she had given me. In it I found some stuff she had written. Letters, I guess not really meant for anyone. One of the notes she wrote while she was pregnant, she wrote about she had always wanted to be a little more like Alex, Taylor. She always admired her for actually going for her dream, and not letting anything get in her way. She said the only thing that stopped her was Joey, and then I stopped her from even being a paramedic!" I thought I was going to start to cry. "Daddy I just want to show her that it can be done, I want to do what she was never able to do."
Joey was silent, I knew that he was angry with me for wanting to do something Dad had always expected of him. We both supported him in what he did, and he had gone to law school for all the right reasons. Dad, was, of course hurt by his decision but supported him all the same. He had always assumed that Joey would walk in his footsteps, and was let down when Joey didn't end up doing it. In the end though he was just as proud to introduce his son, the lawyer.
Joey always thought that I was the favourite. He also thought that Dad hated him for choosing law school over firefighting. Neither was true, but Joey believe it was. He never told Dad how he felt, but he had told me more then once. I knew that he would be angry at me for trying out, just because he felt that it would make the all out favourite. I knew that just wasn't the case, but I couldn't convince him otherwise, and till he actually talked to Dad he'd never know.
"I can't stop you from doing it," Dad said. "Just make sure that's what you really want before you make your choice. What else did you find in there?"
"Just stuff about her deciding she was going to quit, marry you. Stuff like that, mostly stuff from when she was pregnant, and a little bit before that. Nothing I didn't already kind of know about."
I wondered if there was something in specific he was looking for. If he asked me I'd let him look through the whole box. I wanted to keep the stuff though, she had obviously given me the box cause wanted me to have it. Whenever I picked them up I felt like she was right there with me. I wasn't going to let them go.
It had been a long day and before long I excused myself to go to bed. I left pillows and blankets out, and they both knew they were going to be on the couches. When I crawled into bed I fell asleep only moments later. I woke up at some point in the middle of the night, to my brother poking me.
"Alex?" he whispered.
"What?" I asked.
"I need to talk to you."
Why did he have to pick that night to want to go for one of our late night coffee runs? I also felt a little uncomfortable having him coming into my room, when my boyfriend was there. I lived with him and all, but it was just strange having my big brother wake me up when I was happily snuggled into my man's arms.
I got out of bed, and led him into the kitchen so not to wake anyone. I was half asleep, and I was suddenly reminded of being back in Boston, living at home. He would often wake up, and we'd go for coffee in the middle of the night, in our pajamas.
"What's up big brother?" I asked, not that I didn't know what he wanted to do.
"Is there a twenty four hour coffee shop near here?" he asked.
"Yeah."
"Mind if we go?"
I couldn't resist, I had missed that. "I'll just leave a note, in case one of them wakes up."
"Good idea."
I scribbled a quick note, we put on our shoes with no socks, and put light coats over our tops, and walked down the street about a block, to a little coffee shop. We each ordered tea, so not to keep us up the rest of the night, and went to sit down. We had done this all the time in Boston, when would both be living, or staying at Dad's.
As soon as Joey got his driver's license we had started it. Back then he would get himself a coffee, which would keep him up half that night, and he'd buy me a hot chocolate, and tell me that it was kid's coffee. After doing that with my brother, New York finally felt like home to me.
"What's this about?" I asked
"About you being a firefighter."
"Don't be mad at me Joey, please," I begged my brother.
"How can I NOT be mad, Alex. You've always been the favourite! If you do this then I've failed completely!" He was trying to keep his voice down.
"That's not true! Dad's very proud of you."
"He's more proud of you."
I wanted to yell, but I had to keep my voice down so not to attract unwanted attention. "You don't know that. Besides, you're his son, he has to like you better."
"Whatever."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Don't act like you don't know." I looked at him puzzled. "Alex! He always liked you better, from the second you were born you were his world!"
"You're a part of that world too."
He actually looked like he was going to cry. "Not until I was seven!"
"What does that mean?"
"Just as it says Alex, you got Dad your whole life! I only got him after-"
"After what, Joey?"
He stared into his cup, forcing the tears in his eyes not to escape. "Mom didn't write anything about when she was little younger in those letters you have?"
I shook my head. "I didn't see anything, just a log of your firsts before mine. A few things about when Dad was a jerk. But it was mostly from after he got a clue And there wasn't anything about Dad and you interacting, or I guess, not doing so." He looked puzzled "Do you know anything about Mom's friend Bobby?"
I was very confused. "No."
"Bobby was her partner when I was a kid. I remember him really well, he was great to me. Better then Dad sometimes, even. Dad just wanted to be my friend, he'd give me chocolate, and stuff I wasn't allowed. I hardly saw him, and when I did he'd spoil me rotten and I'd end up sick. Bobby was different though, he really seemed to care about me, and about Mom. I wanted Bobby to my dad! I may have been little but I knew that Dad hurt Mom back then, in a very different way from the way he hurt me."
I took his hand, and squeezed it, to show him I cared. "There's stuff in there about forgiving Dad about stuff that she didn't really go into. A lot of stuff about how much he had changed, but not really about how he was before. I defiantly haven't come across anything about any other guy but Dad."
Tears began to fall down his face. "You have no idea what he did to us Alex, by the time you came around he had changed. They both did."
"I know that Joey, but who is this Bobby person? Why haven't I ever heard of him?"
"He died, Alex, I'm not really sure exactly what lead up to Bobby being shot, and dieing. I do know that Mom was there when it happened.."
"Really?" I whispered, I too, began to cry.
"Yeah, I remember Mom being really different after it happened. I think she was depressed. Like big "D" depressed, not just moping around the house. She was really different then, she'd forget about me and stuff."
"And stuff, what stuff?" I wanted to know. "Why didn't she ever talk about him?"
"I think he was kind of a taboo subject between Mom and Dad."
I was confused. "But why?"
"Bobby and Mom were more then just friends. Everyone knew that, but neither of them did anything to change that."
"She always told me that Dad was the only person she ever loved."
"Even at my age, I could tell they loved each other."
"Joey, what else happened, you said and stuff, what stuff?" I asked again.
"Alex, after he died." He took a long pause. "Alex, Mom tried to kill herself once."
"You have to be wrong." I whispered, in disbelief.
"Alex," he looked straight into my eyes. "I saw her in the bathtub, after she took some pills, and some wine. I didn't know then what I meant, but I know now."
"But why?" I asked pathetically, like I was a child again.
"It may have been because Bobby died, I'm not really sure. All I know is that I saw her that the bathtub, I try to forget it, and I see it in my nightmares. I don't remember all the details, really. I think she was fine after that, once she realized what she had almost lost, but she did try to kill herself."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "What does that have to do with Dad?"
"It was after that, that Dad started to really pay attention to me! I guess he felt guilty that the only person who had been a real father figure to me had died, and that I had to see Mom like that. I had just lost my second father, and had almost lost my mother too. He realized that he didn't have the first clue about me then. He didn't care in about me until then. But you got his attention from the day you were born!"
"It just took him a while before showing you-"
"NO!" he thundered, the few people in the restaurant turned to look at us, he went quiet for a long while. "Dad wanted me to hurt Mom! He didn't want custody of me because he wanted me, he wanted it to prove a point. He told me after she died, that he regretted what he had done, as soon as the ruling was finalized. He realized after that the only person she had left was me, and that's why he wanted to take me away."
"Why?" I asked. "I don't get it."
"He took me because he knew what taking me away from her would do. It would destroy her, completely, or it would bring her back to him. Either way, he'd get what he wanted."
I couldn't believe it, but my brother had no reason to lie. "I don't understand Joey."
"Dad wasn't grown up then, he wanted the two things he thought was his, and if he had to use one to get it then he did. Mom was smarter then, she didn't fall into his trap. I knew it hurt her to not have me living with her anymore, but she didn't have the money to fight the decision. It was in taking care of me that Dad finally grew up; but at first I was just a pawn, in a sick game, and you're what made their lives perfect!"
I was trying my hardest not to bawl my eyes out.. "Joey, you have to be wrong!"
"I'm not, Alex. Dad wasn't really grown up when I came along, but he was when you came along. The Dad you know is real, and it's who he is now. He worked hard to be that person. I had to see both sides of him, and sometimes I think he resents me for it."
"That can't be true. He probably loves you more for still loving him after all you had to see." I tried to be positive.
"Alex, you made the family, I was just a mistake."
"That's not true, and you know it."
"If it hadn't been for me, Mom would never have had to see Dad again, and she would have lived happily ever after with Bobby."
"You don't know that. If you think about it you saved Dad. It was in taking care of you full time that he grew up, and was able to be right for Mom. If Bobby had died and Mom had had nothing, then she would have died taking her own life. No one would have found her."
He shook his head. "I can't believe I just told you that."
"It needed to be let out, Joey."
He came around to my side of the table, and hugged me. "I never wanted you to know that side of Dad."
"Mom told me about it, not that extreme, but I was aware that Dad used to be a first class ass."
"Try not to let it change how you look at him."
I nodded. "I've never seen him be like that, so I have to believe that's it real. It's kind of like reading a story, and it was just a bad guy who had control over him for a while."
We finished up our drinks, and went back to my place. Joey went right to sleep. I got a nightlight out of the bathroom, and plugged it in near my closest. I had to look through the stuff I had from Mom to see if I could find anything. I took the nightlight out of the hallway, and plugged it in near my closet, so not to disturb Tyrone. I then took out the box, and emptied the box onto the floor.
I found something! I picked up an envelope I had never wanted to open before. It wasn't addressed to anyone, but it was sealed. I opened it carefully. I was a little nervous about what I'd find. I realized, then, why Dad had been worried about what was in the box because she had tried to kill herself. He didn't want me to find out from some letters she had left me, possibly inadvertently.
I was glad Joey had told me the truth, rather then me finding out in a note. In the envelope were four pieces of paper. One had Dad's name, on had Joey's, one had Grandma's, and the other wasn't addressed to anyone.
I looked at that one not addressed to anyone first. It simply read: "If you are reading this, it means I'm dead, I killed myself, I just couldn't deal with life anymore, please make sure that these letters get to who needs to read them."
I picked up the one for Grandma, which was an apology to her, for having to deal with not just Joey, but Dad too, now without her. It also explained that Bobby had once told her that he was in love with him, and she had brushed it off, telling him that she didn't deserve him. But when he was shot she realized that she loved him back. She had hoped to tell him when he recovered, but he never did. She asked her to make sure that Joey understood that she loved him, and mostly she just apologized over and over again.
Next I decided to read the one that was for Joey. It read: "I know you don't understand any of this, Baby. First Bobby goes away, and now I'm gone too. Your Daddy and Grandma will answer all the questions you have. They're also going to take good care of you now. I know it doesn't make any sense, but when you grow up, maybe you will be able to understand. It didn't do this because of you, I love you more then anything else in this world. But sometimes love isn't enough sometimes.. I never wanted to hurt you, and I'm so sorry you have to live through this. I will always love you Joey, never forget that. Once you're old enough Daddy will explain everything to you. Love Mommy."
I began to cry, which woke up Tyrone. He sat up in the bed, and looked over at me, squinting a little because of the light.
"Alex?" he asked concerned. "What are you doing?"
"I found something in my Mom's box," I whispered.
He got out of the bed, he sat down next to me, taking me in his arms. He had sat cross-legged, and had pulled me onto him. I buried my head in his chest I started to cry harder. He picked up the piece of paper not addressed to anyone. If it was possible, he held me tighter, smoothing my hair back, behind my ear, the way I liked when I had trouble sleeping.
"When did that happen?" he asked.
"A few years before I was born. Joey and I went for coffee, to talk about me taking the exam, and one thing lead to another. He told me everything, and now I find this," I explained, my voice barely there.
"Alex, it'll be all right, you can talk to your father about everything in the morning." He kissed my temple.
"Thank you Tyrone. I love you."
"I love you back." He simply held me until my tears slowed.
I decided not to read the one addressed to Dad, that was one of the few things in the box that was really his. I must have fallen asleep, I vaguely remember him carrying me to the bed, and tucking me in under the covers.
When I got up the next morning, not only was I surprised that I had actually been able to sleep. But I was surprised to see that Tyrone has cleaned up the papers. Everything was back in the box, accept the four pieces of paper that had been in the envelope. They were laying face down on top of the box.
When I heard movement in the living room, and got up too. Tyrone was still sleeping, and I hoped he would stay that way for a little while yet. Dad was in the kitchen, sipping a cup of coffee, Joey was asleep on the couch. I went back into my room, and got the letter. I dropped it in front of him.
"Is this what you were looking for?" I asked, almost angrily.
He picked it up. "Yeah," he whispered. "Did you read them?"
"Not yours. Joey told me about it when we went for coffee last night. I found these after I got back. They were in an envelope I had not reason to open before last night. Why did you keep that from me?"
"It didn't seem important. It happened long before you were born."
I shook my head. "I don't know what to think about you right now. Joey told me about Bobby too, it made a couple of letters I had read make more sense. And about why you go custody of him"
"I changed Alex, I grew up."
"I know that, but you all lied to me. Mommy loved someone else but you, once." I began to cry. Part of me wanted him to hug me, but I knew I'd just push him away. "Daddy not only did you hurt Mommy, but you hurt Joey too."
"That's something we need to fix."
I shrugged. "I'm in the middle of it. Cause he thinks you like me better cause you were there all my life."
"That's not true."
"It's not me you need to convince."
He nodded. "I know."
A few minutes later Joey joined us in the kitchen. He poured himself a cup of coffee. Dad had folded up the letters, and returned them, I'd show him later.
"Look, I want to tell you both something," I said.
"What now?" they both asked.
"This firefighter thing, I'm doing it for myself, and for Mom. You're not going to talk me out of it now."
Dad simply nodded. "Would you mind if I stole Joey for a few hours to show him around where he grew up? Just the two of us?" "Sounds good, I need a few more hours of sleep."
I handed them my keys. They left, and I curled back into bed. I was glad to have that monkey of my chest. I was also glad that Dad was going to finally talk to him, it was long past due. I snuggled up to Tyrone, he wrapped his arm around my waist, and I fell asleep moments later.
--
The next day Tyrone and Joey were out. I had asked them both if I could have some alone time with Dad. I knew that this had helped the relationship between my brother and father somehow, but I felt like mine had been destroyed. Dad had known all this stuff, and no one had ever bothered to tell me. He knew that I wanted to talk, but neither of us knew where to start.
"What do you need to know Alex?" he asked me.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I replied.
"I told you, it happened before you were born."
"Mommy was always honest with me, she said that you weren't a good person before. But she never told me anything like this."
"You were twelve years old, she was going to wait until you were a little bit older. She was going to tell you absolutely everything."
I nodded. "But, Daddy, why didn't you ever tell me the truth?"
I realized that when my emotions were running on high always reverted back to calling my parents, Mommy and Daddy, instead of Mom and Dad. A therapist I had to see after Mom died had told me I'd probably always do it, because I hadn't grown out of it when she had died, so when I was really upset like I was then, it was more natural for me to say Mommy and Daddy like I had when I lost her.
"I didn't want you to know the truth, Alex. I didn't want you to know the person I used to be. I changed, for your mother. When we met all I cared about was adding another score onto my card. I was a horrible person. I was not the kind of man anyone wanted their daughter around. But I changed, even before you came along, I changed. I even grew up."
"I know that! I knew that!" I yelled, angry, and frustrated.
"You didn't know just how bad I really was."
"Did she love Bobby?"
"Probably, but she only realized it when he was gone. Bobby was a great person. He helped everyone, and he loved your mother more then I ever could have. He dated other people, even Taylor, but the only person in his heart was her. Everyone knew it, she liked him too. But I had already taken your mother's heart, and I wasn't giving it back for him to take. She was mine, she had my kid, and whether I or not I needed her at the time, she was mine."
I was crying. Your father is not supposed to be such a pig, he's just not. But mine was, I was glad he was admitting it, but he never would have had I not found those letters. I never would have known half the things I needed to know about either of them. He could have told me this when I said I was moving to New York to find out about Mom and Alex Taylor, and him too.
He should have told me before I left, he had all the answers the whole time, and he never gave them to me! I resented Dad for that. I didn't want to hate him for his past, because it was just that, his past. It shouldn't change how I looked at him, but I was starting to, and not because of what it was. It was because I had to pry it out of him, when I had asked so many times for him just to tell me.
That's all I ever wanted to know, the truth, and now that I was getting it, I wasn't sure I wanted to know anymore. I certainly had not wanted to learn about all the skeletons in our closet all at once. First I find out that my mother had loved another person, when I had always believed that the only man who had meant that much in her life was Dad. Then I find out she tried to kill herself. Then I find out that my dad almost killed her by taking my brother away from her.
"Did you ever love Mommy before?" I asked.
"Not in the same way as I did later. I was a horrible person who only cared about himself. Until I had to start taking care of your brother. Joey was the one who turned me around. If I had to pick a favorite, I'd have to pick him. I would have never changed had he not become my life."
I nodded. "But why did you take him in the first place?"
He looked at me straight in the eyes. "Because he was mine." I could hardly believe it. "I know it's horrible, but that was why. After Kim tried to kill herself, I could not chance her doing it again, or doing something to him. But mostly it was because he was my kid, and if she didn't want me, she couldn't have him either."
"Would she have hurt him, or tried again?"
"Probably not."
I nodded. "So you took the last thing she had in her life away, and expected her to be fine?"
"No."
"What no?"
He stared at the floor. "I expected her to fall apart, I expected her to fall, and just keep falling until she had to come crawling back to me, begging me to be the man of her dreams. She knew what she had lost with Bobby, a great guy. She lost the only person who had ever loved her for her and not for her-" He stopped but I knew exactly what he meant. "She told me more then once that Bobby had told her he loved her, and she had told him she didn't deserve his love. But she did, she really did. But I made damn sure that at the time the only kind of love she wanted was my kind. I made her think that what she deserved and needed was me."
"But why?"
"I told you already, at that time I thought she was mine."
"What changed?"
"When I started to take care of your brother, properly, because I had to, I started to learn stuff about myself. What I could handle, what I couldn't. I learned what I had to do, and I also learned that in some ways Joey was more grown up then me. He'd tell me what he could have for breakfast, lunch, and supper. Before he had just been my little buddy, but when I had to take care of him, I had to do it right. If I didn't I didn't know how he'd turn out. I knew that I wanted him to be better then me though, I needed him to be better then me. But I knew the only way I could do that was to show him what a real man was, and I was not that at the time. So I started to grow up too."
"So what about Mommy?"
"We did our own thing, for a while. I dated other people, and so did she. She showed me just how strong she was in dealing with all of that stuff, alone, all alone, in the apartment she had once shared with her child. But I was growing up more then anything else. Seeing her be strong, and be real made me fall in love with her, while we weren't even together. I never thought I'd have a second chance."
"What changed?"
"She went out with the writer, who ended up being intervenes drug user. She didn't make the best choice when it came to him. She thought because he was a famous writer, that it was okay, and nothing could happen."
I knew what he was trying not to tell me. "I understand."
"When she realized the truth, it was my shoulder she came crying on. She told me how stupid she was being, and was expecting me to agree, and then we'd let things get carried away, and it would all go back to the way it was. I had grown past that, I wanted to show her what I could be, and how much I had changed. I told her how smart she was, and how great she was. So I supported her as a friend, for the first time, and it felt good."
"At the same time as she was dealing with that, we both had to deal with Taylor and Lieutenant Johnson dieing. We both needed each other then. We had both been promoted, and we were both trying to be strong, and do what we h to. Even adults need shoulders to cry on, and most times words are better then action. Your mother and Alex were friends, they had Bobby in common, and Alex was living your mother's dream. I was worried that the same thing would happen as when Bobby died. But I was determined not to let that happen again. I was the man she needed me to be that time. I was strong, and I was there for her. One thing led to another, but we went slowly this time. We got engaged, and then she gave me back the ring, and I left. You know the rest of story right?"
I nodded. "The letters have the emotional details of all of that stuff, so yes, I know the rest of it.."
He hugged me, and I was glad he had. "So it was just a matter of growing up?"
"Mostly."
He then left the room, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I went back into my own room, and started to re-organize my mother's box. I needed to just be around her things, to try to understand everything.
I always knew that my dad had been bad news, but I had never been told all the details. It was a lot to handle at once, but I knew, somehow I would be able to deal with all of the feelings that were going through me.
I knew the whole story now, not just bits and pieces that I had to put together, not just about my mother and father, but about other people in their lives too. That was what I had been looking for, in going to New York. The stupid part was that the answers had always been there, I just wasn't asking the right questions of the right people.
I was glad all the same that I had come to New York, because I was able to get more perspective on everything. I was able to learn about myself, while learning about all the people who mattered in my life.
It was not an opportunity many people got, and I was glad I was able to. It was all out now, all the skeletons had fallen out, and everything seemed to be cleaned up. I knew what I needed to know, I just got the information a lot faster then I would have liked. I knew that I'd be fine with my father, and with everything, but it would not happen overnight.
I also knew that this whole experience just made me want to do the firefighter's exam all the more. I needed to prove to myself what I was capable of. I needed to prove to everyone that I was not my mother's clone, but an extension of her. She always taught me to live with no regrets, and as little fear as possible. She always made me believe I could achieve anything, and passing that exam was something I had to achieve.
I had to look past my fear of fire. It was totally unfounded, and it was just a chain that was keeping me down. My mother had let chains keep her down, and away from what she really wanted, and I wasn't about to do the same. Although she grew to love my father, and my father grew to love her, her life would have been easier if she had just believed that she deserved the sun and the moon.
I needed to take the exam for her, to show her, wherever she was, that I could, just like her do whatever it took to make me happy. I heard a knock on my bedroom door. I looked up and nodded at my dad. He handed me a cup of coffee, then sat down on the floor with me.
"Are we good, kiddo?" he asked.
"We're going to be."
He handed me his letter, the suicide one from mom. "This is yours, she wanted you to have all of these."
I took it, and began to read it;
Jimmy, I know that somewhere deep down inside you may just love me, but I can't wait for you anymore. There is someone else who loves me, probably more then you ever could or will. But I pushed him away, and now he's gone, forever. He knew the risk he was running when he told me he loved me. Jimmy, he loved me, not because of what I did in bed, but because of who I was. That's not the kind of love you had for me, was it? I was a piece of ass, someone to add to your score card, but you wanted to make sure that I never knew. You wanted me to believe that one day you would crawl up out of the whole you had dug for yourself, and you would do right by me. But, you know what Jimmy? You haven't, and you probably won't. When someone offered me real love, real feelings, and everything I had always dreamed about, all I wanted was you. Now that all I might have is you, all I want is him. Maybe, this isn't the best way, but it's all I can think of doing. I want you to come in on a white horse and save me, but you won't. I would love to see Joey grow up, but he is just a painful reminder of my past. I love him more then I love anything on this earth, and please don't tell him differently. But this, losing Bobby, is too much pain, too much sadness, and too much to deal with. He's the only person who can help me through everything, and he's not here. So maybe, if I try to join him, I may finally make my peace.
Make sure you tell Joey everyday that I love him, and that I didn't go away because of him. I went away because I was so sad I couldn't bare the thought of taking another breath. I am so sad, Jimmy, that he's all I have, and I can't even seem to take care of him right, I can't even give him the father he deserves. I know he needs his mother, but his mother is sick, and can't bare to hold up her world anymore, because the world Atlas was carrying was far smaller then the one I'm forced to carry. So good bye, I'm going to join the man I love.
Kimmy
"Wow," I whispered.
"Yeah."
"You became those things you know?"
He nodded. "Without her having to ask."
"So do you think she's with him now?"
"Probably, and he's probably laughing his ass off for becoming so much like him, kind of. I used to hassle him for being a good guy, and now I wish I had always been one."
I hugged him. "I think I still love you, Daddy."
"Tells me when you know for sure."
He then left me alone again, I knew that if my mother had been able to forgive him, I certainly should have been able to. He was those things, and he didn't deny it, he just didn't like to tell everyone how he used to be.
I took a sip of my coffee, and just pawed at the letters. Picking up a few that I had already read, and skimming them, mostly the ones about her forgiving my dad, and being able to go to him. I really didn't hate my dad, I just didn't know what to think about him at that moment. I went into the living room, where dad was sitting, watching TV.
"Are you glad to have changed?" I asked.
"My biggest regret is that I didn't do it sooner. Your mother deserved more then I gave her," he explained.
"Love's like that I guess."
"Tyrone isn't like that is he?"
I shook my head. "No, of course not. He has his quirks, but he's good to me."
"You know I'm obligated to not like him, right?"
I laughed. "I know."
The door opened, and Joey and Tyrone came in. I smiled at them both, so that they'd know it was all right to come in. The only upside to all the family drama that had taken place was that no one seemed to be too bothered about Tyrone and me living together. Dad was sitting on the couch. Joey sat down on one of the recliners. I was on the loveseat, Tyrone sat down next to me, wrapping his arm around me. I smiled, I always relaxed so much when he was around.
"So what did you do all this time?" I asked him.
"Not much, we went for coffee, and just kind of talked," Joey replied.
"Yeah, just some male bonding," Tyrone explained.
I smiled, at least one person seemed to be getting along with him. I knew that my dad didn't hate him, he just didn't like anyone dating his daughter. It was strange how when we were all in the same room, no one had anything to say.
They left not long after that, as much as I liked them visiting, I was glad to finally have some alone time with Tyrone.
"How about a massage?" he asked.
"That sounds amazing," I replied.
"Get into the bed, and I'll get some scented candles to help relax you."
He always knew exactly what I needed. As soon as his hands began their magic on my back, I knew that everything would be all right. It was a lot of information to take in, but there was nothing else that could fall out of the closet. When I felt overwhelmed I had him to listen, he was a great person, and I was glad I had found him. I just hoped I'd never have lose him, he was just too good to replace.
"Right there," I purred.
"Alex," he protested.
"They're gone, come here."
I rolled over, and pulled him on top of me, for a very long, deep kiss. I'm glad I got it right the first time.
--
I had never been so glad to be back at work, with all the family drama, the whole Tyrone thing was a non issue. I didn't want to deal with anyone, so I had gone right to the bus to clean after I got changed. Emily joined me, handing me a coffee, not long after I was done cleaning.
"How did the visit go?" she asked me.
"So many skeletons fell out of the closest, I'm not sure anyone noticed that Tyrone was even any kind of issue," I replied.
"That good huh?" she chuckled.
"You have no idea, I could write a soap opera with what I learned about my family's past the last few days."
She shook her head. "Do have a Coles notes version?"
"I think my father was pretty much like Dylan is with Angela when it came to my brother. That was until the day that the guy my mother really loved was killed, and then my mother tired to kill herself. So my ever loving father petitioned the court for custody, and subsequently won. It was only in taking care of Joey that he realized how much his son meant to him. And why was it that my Dad want custody of a the kid he had never had much to do with before? Easy he didn't want the woman who had just tried to kill herself raise his son. Wasn't that nice of him? She had just lost her best friend, and instead of helping her through it, she took away her son! Ladies and Gentleman, I introduce my father, the world's biggest asshole."
"Yikes."
I laughed. "Yikes is the understatement of the century."
"Anything good come of it?"
"I think my dad and brother are closer now. I'm just not sure what to think of my dad right now."
"You knew he wasn't a nice person in his younger years."
I shrugged. "I knew he wasn't good, but I never imagined he was such a jerk. I really didn't need to know all the gory details."
"I guess not." She was looking at the ground. "That must have been a lot of information to take in all at once."
"Yeah, don't get me wrong, I'm kind of glad I know. But it was still hard to hear all the details all at once. Mom never told me a lot of the stuff, or just how horrible he was back then."
"She didn't want to see you father in that light. She already had a son who was very nervous around him."
"I guess you're right." I was staring at my hands.
"It's a lot to take in all at once, I can't even imagine. At least I know most of the stuff that happened between my parents, cause I saw it happening."
"Yeah, but he was a good guy when I was growing up, really. I guess he was making up for his past, but I think he did a great job."
"That's all that matters then, right?"
"I guess."
"You could write a book about your life you know that?" She chuckled.
I laughed. "On my whole family, but I'd venture to guess they wouldn't be too keen on the idea."
She nodded. "Probably not so much, huh?
"Well, let's get started."
"Do we have to?"
"It's our job."
We got into the bus. It surprised me but I was finally starting to get familiar with New York. I actually had an idea where our first few calls were. I was nowhere near ready to drive, but I generally knew what part of town things were in, and I could get to the places I went to most often without getting lost, even if there was any kind of detour.
I was actually starting to really like the city, and I finally understood why my mother had missed it so much. I hadn't really understood before, and I understood it even less when I got here, but now I was starting to understand.
I knew that I would have to tell her about my plan, to take the firefighter's test, but I wasn't sure how to bring it up. I knew she would not like the idea. But I knew I had to tell her. She would find out right after I applied, so I'd rather she head it from me. It was just something that I had to do, especially in light of all that I had learned that weekend.
I was pretty certain that after I told her she would try to talk me out of it, but I needed to do it. Everyone said I was so much like Mom, if I could pass the test, and make a squad it would be that she would have been able to as well .She had given up so much for me, and for Joey, I needed to prove to myself that I was able to do something as remarkable. It didn't really compare to having a child, but right now that was not something I was even thinking about.
When lunch finally rolled around I decided it was much past due that I tell Emily about my plan. We decided to go to a deli that day. There wasn't very much room to sit, but we found a table in a corner. I didn't know how to bring up the idea casually.
"I'd like your opinion on something," I said.
She swallowed what was in her mouth. "About what?"
"Whether or not everyone over reacted about something."
"Who's everyone?"
"My Dad, my brother, and Tyrone."
"What did you tell them?"
"I told them I wanted to take the firefighter's test, and they all think it's a bad idea."
She looked at me, surprised. "What?"
"I don't know if I actually want to join a squad or anything like that. I just want to see if I could pass the tests."
"Are you insane?"
"So you agree with them then?"
"I never said that. I just don't think that a fun work day would include hanging out with a bunch of rugged fireboys."
I laughed. "As I said I'm not sure I'd actually go and do the job. I just want to see if could do it."
"What brought this on?"
"The stuff I've been reading in those letters I found."
She nodded. "I understand. So, your mother wanted to be a firefighter?"
"Yeah, until she had my brother. She thought it would be better if one of his parents wasn't running into burning buildings."
'That makes sense."
I nodded. "I just want to see if I can do it."
"What about your fear of fire?"
"It's one of the main reasons I'm not sure I'll actually go for it completely. I think I'm gonna do the tests then see what happens."
"Just be ready to hear me tease you."
"Fair enough."
She had been more supportive then I thought she would have. I was glad that she wasn't trying to talk me out of it like everyone else seemed to be. I wasn't even sure what I'd do if I passed. I loved being a paramedic, but it was always a rush when I went above what I should have been doing. I remembered that day in the school, about how much I loved being in the centre of the action. I also remembered the look in that other guys eyes when Carter told him that I was not a medic. It was like he had been surprised, to find out, and it kind of empowered me.
I had liked that feeling, and I wanted to feel it again. Maybe it wasn't the best idea I had ever had, but I needed to know for sure if I could do it or not. I needed a challenge, and that seemed like a good one.
I didn't care that everyone thought it was a bad idea, I had to do it. I had to be sure that I could pass, and then I may not even do anything about it. After everything that I had learned, I knew I needed to at least try to see what would happen. I knew my mother was watching me from somewhere, and I wanted to make her proud. I wanted to show her that it could be done, as long as there wasn't an obstacle. My mind was made up, and though I was asking opinions, I was not looking for their permission, or blessing. I was going to do it, regardless of how anyone else felt.
end
end notes: how is that for over zealous muse? it's a mine field there's so many bombs going off! kim is my fave character, so i appologize that she gets such a spolight in these fics, please tell me what you think.. next up emily, and will a bomb go off from that story line! reviews will help with my speed on getting stuff posted ;)