AUTHOR: trista groulx
DISCLAIMER: kim, jimmy, alex (taylor), faith, bosco, carlos, holly, doc, ty, sully, emily, kylie, joey, charlie and anyone else who pops up from the TV series are not mine, they belong to NBC, their creator, and the actors and actresses who portray them. the idea for third watch is so not mine, but anyone who i've created for this story are mine so ask if you want to use them.
RATING: PG-13 for language
SUMMARY: Dylan, again, stil a candiate for the swine awards, but I'm working on that for Angela.
AUTHORS NOTES: slightly less of a twisty plot today, but still a good one if you ask me, i really hope you're still digging what i'm trying here.. i hope to have kylie's part done soon, but tyrone's is just so much more fun (still a couple ppl ahead in line) then a fun fun special 3rd person epilogue so definatly stay tuned to third watch, the next generation!
TIMELINE CLARFICATION! i figure this is needed... "more monsters" happened but nothing else in s6, ty and sasha didn't happen, i'll explain where tonia came from in the epilogue, alex only lived a few years in brooklyn before she moved to boston, again emily and charlie are the same age as everyone else (or em would have a 16 year disadvantage and that wouldn't work) joey is the same age as he should be going from the orignal timeline, charlie and tyrone were best friends growing up (thus emily grew up with him too), dylan has no orginal TW DNA, the whole thing with kylie getting sick and carlos finding his family did NOT happen, thus we have no knowledge of vangie's family, and carlos does not know the "real" story of his being put in foster care, for the sake of this story cause i can't seem to find the info the kenny's first adopted daughter will go by the name of "lynsey" from now on
on with the fic
It's official I hate Alex Doherty, how much more of a bitch can on person be? I've hardly had any interaction with the girl, and she feels the need to be the one to tell me what I need to shove where! I don't fucking think so! I mean I totally understand her getting all pissed off at me when "I got" her little boyfriend shot, but she had crossed the line. She actually got my partner, her little boy toy, to drive her over to my apartment, so she could tear a strip out of me.
I had just been happily sitting watching TV, when I heard a buzz at the door. I was very surprised to see my partner and his girlfriend standing at my door. I let them in, the place was a mess, but I didn't really care. I was a bachelor wasn't I supposed to live in a messy apartment?
"What's up?" I asked them.
"Have you got Emily's messages?" Tyrone asked me.
"You know I don't reply to those sorts of things."
He shrugged. "Well then, we're here to bring you over to the hospital."
"Why?"
"Because," replied Alex. "Your daughter needs you."
"What's going on?"
"She's in the hospital, is that not enough for you?"
I shrugged. "Not really."
"I can't believe you! Most men would be running out the door in a frenzy if they found out their daughter was in the hospital."
"Don't start all right?"
She glared at me. "Why shouldn't I start Dylan? Your child's mother leaves you messages saying that there is something wrong, and you don't even have the decency to call her back."
"I've been busy."
She looked around the apartment. "Sitting on your ass?"
"I don't need this!"
"And Emily doesn't need what she's going through either."
"It's not my problem!"
"Yes it is!"
"How do you figure?"
"She's your daughter!"
"I never asked for her you know?" She was getting pissed off and I could tell. "So what? Just cause you didn't want it doesn't mean it doesn't exist! Just because you won't acknowledge she's sick doesn't make it not so!"
"So what if she's sick, what can I do?"
"There's a lot of things you can do."
"I don't have time for this bullshit!"
"This is not bullshit, it's a matter of life and death!"
"Emily's such a drama queen, it's not that bad!"
"I don't want to be the one to tell you what's wrong with her, but I might have to."
I shrugged. "It can't be that important then!"
"You know what, Dylan, I think I've finally figured you out."
"Please, all knowing one, let me in on your fucking insight!"
"You are a scared little boy, who thinks that everyone will believe he's a man if he plays cops and robbers with the big boys!"
"Alex," Tyrone warned.
"And you're such a big girl, you need your boy toy to help you fight your battles! You're just as much a child as me."
Before I knew it she had punched me in the mouth. She had good upper hook, and I was actually bleeding, I couldn't believe it the little bitch had hit me! I wanted to hit her back, but not only did I suspect her fighting skills were good, but I really didn't want a beat down from my own partner.
"You're a fucking bitch!" I yelled at her.
"Is that supposed to scare me?" she demanded.
"I thought you were here about the kid not to beat me up."
"If it was up to me I'd rip your nuts off with my bare hands," she spat.
"What the hell do you have against me?"
"You're a deadbeat!"
"From what I hear so was your father!" '
She went to take a swing at me again, but Tyrone had stopped her.
"There's a difference between deadbeat and not all there yet!"
"I'm not a deadbeat!"
"How long has it been since you saw your daughter?"
"A few months."
"How much do you spend to support her."
"If Emily doesn't ask me for it how can I give it?"
"Why can't you two just try and act civilly to each other?" Tyrone asked, suddenly.
We looked at each other, and knew that neither of us could answer that. I knew that part of the reason I didn't like her was that I never got a chance with her. She had seen him and she zeroed in and got her claws in tight. Though I guess it was probably better that way, for me. I didn't need another girl trying to bog me down.
But she was my type, not Tyrone's. As soon as I saw her, I wanted her, but no Tyrone has to go play prince charming, swooping in and helping her fend off a reporter. It was probably for the best though, since we had a hate, hate thing going on especially after that day in the hospital. It certainly didn't seem like she was looking to make friends anytime soon. There was also something about her that made me know from the moment I saw her she would not deal with my bullshit. That scared me a lot, so I purposely tried to get under her skin so she would not try to figure me out.
"Look, Dylan," he said. "Angela is really sick, and need a kidney transplant."
"What can I do?"
Alex rolled her eyes. "You can see if you're a match!" she snapped.
"Why would I?"
"She's you're daughter, and if they don't find a good match, she could die." I could hardly believe it. I always thought I had so much time to make everything right with Angela. I just wasn't ready to be a dad just yet. I figured she'd still be there when I was ready, but that all changed in that split second. Two year olds are not supposed to die! I had had a plan, and it was coming apart at the seams.
"So what kind of tests do I need to do?"
"Some blood work, and an x-ray," Alex answered, seeming to be more calm.
"That's it?"
"Then the doctors see who are the best matches."
"Then what?"
"That all depends on if you're a match or not."
"What are we standing around for?"
I knew I had done a complete turn around on my attitude, and I was in shock. The child I never really wanted could die, and I felt like shit for not knowing her. I wasn't sure if I would be a match but, I wondered if donating a kidney would make up for all my bullshit. When we got to the hospital we all got tested, and then they brought me to her room. Emily was asleep in a chair. I couldn't tell if Angela was awake.
"Daddy!" I heard her exclaim.
"Shh," I tried to say.
"Daddy!" she yelled again.
Emily began to wake up, I knew she was probably surprised to see us there. She looked like shit. I wondered how long she had been there. She had been trying to get a hold of me for over a day, I wondered if she had even left the hospital at all since Angela was admitted.
"Dylan," she said.
"Hi Emily," I replied
She looked like she was happy, but confused to see me.
"You came?" she asked.
"I really didn't have a choice in the matter."
"Daddy!" Angela exclaimed again.
She was bouncing up and down in the hospital crib. I wasn't sure what to do. I was really surprised that she was so happy to see me. It had been months since she had last seen me, but she was ecstatic I was there. Though I never really showed her that I loved her at all, she seemed to love me a lot.
"Hi, Angela," I said, unsure of what else to say.
"Daddy look at bear!"
She held up a teddy bear, it looked pretty worn down, it must have been her favourite toys. I was a little disappointed that I didn't know for sure if it was her favourite, nor where it came from. I really didn't know a thing about my daughter. I realized though that if I started to pay attention to her right then maybe she wouldn't remember the time when I hadn't been in her life at all.
"That's a nice bear," I told her.
"A special bear," she seemed to corrected me.
There was just so much I didn't know about her. I didn't know why this bear was more special then any other teddy bear I had ever seen. I was so out of touch with her, and all she wanted way my attention. I had never really interacted with her, and I was just unsure of myself.
I heard Alex explain that they would have an answer that evening about who could donate the kidney. I was a little mad when Emily asked them to stay until we all found out, and part of me wanted to leave. I knew that was not such a good idea since I should be there when we found out, because I was, after all her father.
"Angela seems to have a big circles of support," he commented. "Emily, would you like everyone to stay?"
"Yes, please," she replied.
"I know Alex already, you are?" he asked Tyrone.
"Tyrone Davis, I'm friends with Emily," he replied.
"And you?" he asked me.
"Dylan Mathews, Angela's father," I replied.
"Nice to meet you at long last." He looked through his chart. "I'm not going to stall this very long, there is only one match from who has been tested so far."
I hoped that it was going to be Emily, I wasn't sure if I was ready to make the kind of sacrifice that organ transplant would entail.
"The only matching donor, who seems almost perfect, is you, Mr. Mathews."
"Me?" I heard myself say.
"Yes, you can have some time to think about everything, I'll give you all the information you'll need."
"How many have been tested?" Emily asked.
"About twenty five, and we have a few we'll have to do tomorrow."
"Twenty five?"
"Mostly NYPD and FDNY, you must have a lot of friends at work, both of you. Mr. Mathews if you'd like to come with me so I can explain all that the donation could entail."
"Of course."
I was could not believe what he had just said. I just followed him out the door. He had me follow him to a small office to speak to me. I just wasn't sure what I wanted to do. I wanted Angela to have life, but was I really ready to make that kind of sacrifice? I figured I'd get all the information I could first, then see what I could do.
"So, Mr. Mathews," the doctor started.
"Please call me Dylan," I said.
"All right Dylan, I'm Doctor Larson, I am the attending physician for your daughter, Angela."
"Yeah, I know that."
I didn't care about this man's life story all I wanted to know was what were the risks involved with the surgery.
"You seem to be a perfect match for your daughter, now this is a very big decision to make. I would imagine you'd like to know the risks involved, correct?"
"Yes."
"For you the risks are minimal, the only real worry is a slightly shorter life span."
"Only the good die young, Doc, and I ain't good." I joked.
He laughed. "All right. Now right after surgery of course you're not going to be able to eat solid food for a couple of days. After that you should be able to return to your regular diet, we just like that you try to keep healthy."
"What about work?"
"You're with the NYPD I would say you'd need to take about two months off just to be absolutely sure that everything is properly healed and that anything you would do in the line of duty would not re-aggravate the surgery sight."
"All right, and what happens if I don't do this?"
"We're going to keep looking for donors of course. But you are the best match because you have such similar genetic material to your daughter. Her body is less likely to reject your organ as apposed to a stranger's Also since it is rather rare to find a match in an adult, because the kidney size is very important, it would be more likely to be a non-living donation. With a non-living donation the risk factors are much higher, especially in a child your daughter's age. Not just in the body rejecting the organ, but also because the organ may not function properly."
"Really, that can happen?"
"With a kidney it tends to happen more often that the organ does not begin to function, thus the patient must remain on dialysis until it functions, or another donor can be found. Which is just further confusion for someone as young as Angela."
"So what about Angela after this?"
"She will need to be on anti-rejection drugs. The advantage of a blood relative is that she will need slightly less drugs then if a stranger had donated. One of the few advantages to her age is that all the percussions she will have to follow after surgery will become second nature to her through out her life, so she will not have a difficult adjustment stage like an older child or adult who has a transplant. She will not understand what really happened, all she will know is that she will have to do certain things because of it."
"Like what kinds of things?"
"Along with being on the anti-rejection drugs the rest of her life, we advise that she stays on a strict balanced diet as much as possible. That is usually the hardest part for a person who has had an organ transplanted, but for her it will just be the way she's always had to eat."
"What is the success rate on this sort of operation?"
"If you are the donor there is a ninety percent success rate, which is one of the highest rates of success in organ transplantation. The percent drops as you go through the factors I've already stated, of course. But I would hope that as her father you will be able to do this for your daughter."
I nodded, it would be the first thing I'd do for my little girl, and I almost felt obligated to do it for her. I had always thought I had all the time in the world to get to know her, but now I realized just how fragile life is. She hadn't even had a chance to live and she was faced with such a harsh reality.
"What are the chances of her surviving without the transplant?" I asked.
"She can do it, many people live on dialysis for years before the transplantation becomes a necessity, and she could do it. However because of her age we prefer to rush the operation so that she can lead a full and happy childhood."
"All right."
"I don't expect you to make a decision in my office today, Angela is in very stable condition, we just want to get the process underway as soon as possible so she does not have to live her life like this for too long."
"I understand."
"I'm going to give you some brochures, and even book suggestions so you can do all the research you feel you have to, before making the decision. When you decide just call me and make an appointment."
"Does Emily have to be here?"
"Oh! Of course not! This is your choice, and no one else's, whatever you decide is just that. If you tell me any excuse I am not allowed to share that with her, so this is all very confidential."
"Thank you."
"You are a very healthy young man, and I feel that this surgery would hardly even slow you, but if you don't want to do it, I, nor anyone else, can force you to, so please remember that."
He handed me a stack of papers, then shook my hand. I left the office, and went back to Angela's room. I was surprised to find Emily had gone. I had wanted to talk to her. Angela was asleep, snuggled up to the teddy bear she had shown me earlier. I looked at her, she looked so helpless and small.
The last time I had watched her sleeping was in the hospital just after she was born. I still remembered how shocked I was when I saw her the first time. I could not believe that that little life was partly mine to nurture. I crumbled under that pressure, and hardly saw her at all.
It wasn't that I never wanted kids, I just wasn't ready for them when she came into my life. I always figured I'd have all the time in the world with her, but this incident proved that she could be taken away quiet easily. I hardly knew her, but I could still up losing her, the person who was supposed to be most precious to me.
I knew that if something happened to her Emily would be inconsolable, and I also knew that I would not be able to deal with that. How was it fair that a kid her age had to go through something so grown up?
I was terrified of surgery, and I had an even better chance of recovery then she did! The only reason I was glad she was so young was because she really didn't really understand the gravity of the situation.
All she knew was that she was in the hospital, and that everyone kept saying big words around her. She probably didn't understand why it was she could not go home with her mother, but having her bear there made everything somehow better.
I looked at her in amazement, this was a life I had helped to create, and now I was her best hope of continuing to live. This child would have to rely on me when I never even had the decency to be there for her. If she had woken up at that moment she would be ecstatic that I was there, and would not ask me where I had been. She' just be happy to see her daddy.
Not that I was much of a father. I certainly wasn't going to win any father of the year awards. Alex had been right, I was a deadbeat, who had never been giving a reason to try for his daughter, but now I had a good reason to want to try. I was going to lose her without ever knowing her if I didn't do something.
As soon as I saw her, I knew that all my fears just didn't matter. All that mattered was this little girl. If I could give my life for her at that moment I would. For the first time since she had been on this Earth, I had realized that being a parent was more then just playing with her, but sacrificing a part of myself for her benefit.
I wanted so much to tell Emily about my revelation, and as much as I wanted to go shout my new found love for my daughter from the rooftops, my feet were planted in that room. I just wanted to stare at her, and memorize everything about her, just in case.
My legs seemed to take on a life of their own, and went toward her. I wanted so much to pick her up, and hold her, and tell her Daddy was finally here to make it better. But I knew better then to wake her, she would probably never get back to sleep if I woke her. I leaned down, and kissed her lightly on the cheek. She flinched, my breath caught, thinking I had just woken her up, but her eyes didn't open, and she didn't move again.
That was the first time I had been close enough to her to smell her. I had heard about the baby smell before, but I hadn't really understood it. To me baby smell came from a dirty diaper, and though she was getting older I realized that day what that distinct smell was.
I only wished I had been able to smell it on her from day one, but that was not the way it had worked for me, like it had for so many others. I had chosen to miss that among many other things. It was my own selfishness and foolishness that made me miss out on so much, and I wasn't going to do it again.
I wanted to see everything else in her life I could. I wanted to be there when she opened her eyes from surgery. I wanted to be there when she got to return home. I wanted to be there for her next birthday. When was her next birthday? I wanted to look at every picture ever taken of her, to see how she had changed, even if it wasn't the same.
After that day in the hospital bed I wanted to use all my senses to experience her life with her. In almost a split second I was a changed man. I leaned against the bar of her crib, staring at her for a long moment, never wanting to leave, never wanting to forget what I was feeling and thinking at that moment.
"I'm going to be different from now on," I whispered. "I promise, Angela, I'll be different, and I'll be your Daddy from now on." I heard the door open, and looked behind me to see a nurse.
"Excuse me, Sir, what are you doing in here?" she asked.
"I'm visiting my daughter," I explained.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I had never seen you before."
I nodded. "It's all right, how late can I stay?"
"As late as you'd like."
I nodded. The nurse did a quick check on her, and then left me alone in the room with her again. The nurse good looking, and normally I would have hit on her, but it didn't seem appropriate. Maybe I was finally growing up, and Alex had not been to far off base when she called me a little boy playing in a man's world. I wanted to be a man, I just needed to learn how. I figured doing the right thing for my little girl would be a good first step. I sat down on a chair, and soon fell asleep.
When I woke up I momentarily forgot where I was. Then it all came back to me, I had fallen asleep at the hospital, while visiting my daughter. I was just about to leave when Emily walked in, she looked surprised to see me.
"What are you doing here?" she asked me.
"I fell asleep last night," I replied.
"Oh."
"I'm going over to the doctor to tell him that I'll donate my kidney."
"Really? That's great!"
She then hugged me. I knew she was happy that I had finally done something for our daughter. I should have done so much more so much sooner, but I thought this was a good start. It would show everyone just how much I cared. The real challenge would be after, when I had to keep my promise to see her more often.
I wanted to be active in her life from that moment on. She was going to be my whole world, just like she should have been from the first moment she entered she entered the world. It didn't matter that I wasn't ready to be a father, or that I didn't really want to be one, I was one, and I had to play the part.
I knew that I was going to have a lot of trouble making up for lost time with her. I hardly knew a thing about her. I knew her name, and her approximate age. She's my kid and I couldn't even tell people when she was born. I didn't know what she liked to do, or what her favourite colour was. These are things a father is supposed to know, but I never even tried to learn them about her.
"Emily, I'm sorry I haven't been there for you both," I told her.
She nodded. "I guess you had your reasons," she replied.
"They were stupid. Her getting sick really opened my eyes. I may not have all the time in the world to make things up to her. She could be gone tomorrow. I know it's too late now, but I want to be in her life."
"It's never too late."
I smiled at her. "Once she's out of here, I'm going to see her on a regular basis. I want to be a good dad, but I'm going to need help."
"I know. It's hard, but you'll get used to being there for her."
"What about us?"
She looked at the floor. "There is no us."
I leaned in to kiss her, and she did not pull away. I placed my lips on hers, and she was the one who deepened the kiss. I wrapped my arms around her waist, to bring her close. I always knew what she needed. We kissed for a long moment. I heard the door open, but I didn't care who was there.
"Emily!" I heard her a female yell.
We broke the kiss, and I looked in the doorway. Standing there was a woman I could only assume was her mother, with another guy, maybe her step father. That was my cue to leave. "I gotta go," I mumbled.
It was funny that we had a child together and I had never actually met her mother. I knew she knew what I looked like and who I was but, we had never actually met. Emily and I never really had the kind of relationship where things like our families came up. I knew that her parents were divorced, and both her parents were remarried. I knew she had a brother, too. But that was about all we knew.
We didn't know a thing about each other, which was pretty sad considering we had a child together. But I was not one for getting serious, so the less I knew about a girl the better it was.
I slipped out the door. I knew her mother and stepfather were ex cops, and I was lucky I didn't get an ass kicking as I left. I disappeared down the hallway to find the doctor from the day before, to tell him that I did want to go ahead and have the surgery.
--
It was the day of the surgery. No one seemed to believe that I was going through with it. I was going to prove to all of them that I had changed, and I would be there for my daughter. I was still going to be myself after, I would just admit that I had a kid. I hated not being able to eat or drink anything before the surgery, but that's what the doctors had said I had to do.
I knew all the risks that were involved in the surgery, and I didn't care. I wanted to do something for Angela, and since this was so important, I thought this was a good place to start. I got dressed, and went right to the hospital.
The first thing I did when I got there was go see Angela. When I got to her room, there were a lot of people there. I knew Emily, Alex, Tyrone, Emily's mother, and Bosco. There was a bald guy, and younger balding guy, who I had never met before, and one of the nurses from the emergency room was there.
"Daddy!" Angela exclaimed.
"Hi, Kiddo, you ready?" I asked her.
"No, I'm scared," she told me.
"I'm not."
"Me neither." It flowed into one word.
I was lying through my teeth, and I'm sure everyone else in the room knew it. I was terrified about the surgery. I had never had an operation before. I had been in the hospital for casts and things, but I had never had any kind of surgery. I realized that I was really lucky, especially considering my line of work, but those were the breaks.
Alex and Tyrone were kind of in the corner making googley eyes at each other. I didn't really know why they were always there. I hated having to be in the same room as Alex, I had not forgiven her for giving me shit, even if a lot of what she had said was true.
"So you're Dylan," the older guy said. "I'm Emily's father."
I put my hand out. "Nice to meet you, Mr. Yokas."
"Yeah." He grunted.
All right, so he hated me for no reason. Okay, he probably had damn good reason. I had gotten his daughter pregnant, and until that day had done absolutely nothing for the kid. The other guy came up to me.
"I'm Emily's brother Charlie," he said, shaking my hand.
"I'm Dylan Mathews, as I'm sure you know."
He nodded, then walked away. I assumed that he was married to the nurse I had recognized. Doctor Larson came in.
"Good, Dylan, you're here, I'm going to have to get you to sign in, and then get you prepped for surgery." "All right."
I kissed Angela on the cheek, then left the room, to go get signed in, and ready for surgery. It was not hard process, just some paper work to sign. A nurse then showed me to a room, where she handed me a gown. She left and I go changed. I then laid down on stretcher. Doctor Larson came in.
"You ready?" he asked me.
"Ready as I'll ever be," I replied.
"Then I'll see you after surgery."
He left me with another nurse, who soon gave me a needle. I felt my eyelids get heavy, and I was out. The next thing I remember is being very groggy, and very sore. It was as if I had closed my eyes to blink, and when I opened them again, it was all over. I saw a nurse.
"How's Angela?" I croaked.
"She's not up yet, but from what we can tell the surgery was a success," she replied. "Now that you're awake I'm going to get you into your room. We've decided to put you and Angela in the same room, since you'll both have the same visitors. As soon as she wakes up, we'll bring her in too."
"So I should expect all the attention to leave me as soon as I go in?"
She shook her head. "Your girlfriend warned me about you."
"Not my girlfriend."
"Let's just get you moved out of here."
She wheeled me through a hallway, into an elevator, then into a room. It wasn't long before Emily and Tyrone came in. She smiled at me, and I smiled back. We hadn't really talked since we had kissed, so I was a bit curious about what might be going on with us. Not that I wasn't playing the field. If I could get a couple of nurses numbers for being a good guy who donated a kidney to my daughter, I would.
"Should I leave you two alone?" Tyrone asked.
"Hardly," said Emily. "I can't believe you did this," she whispered.
"It was about time I did something for her."
She nodded. "So they said she was all right, right?"
"Yes, they'll bring her in here as soon as she wakes up."
"Good."
"So I'm really stuck with Kylie for a while," Tyrone laughed.
I laughed, but it hurt. "You sound like me."
"That was the point."
"I know."
We didn't really have much of anything to say. I was a little groggy, still but I wanted to stay up at least until Angela came into the room. I wanted to see for my own two eyes that she really was all right.
I had finally started to care about what could happen to my daughter. It had only taken me two and a half years, but I finally understood why some guys actually liked being fathers.
It was pretty pathetic that it was something as drastic as surgery which made me realize just how precious she was. But I was going to spend more time with her once we were both recovered. I was going to prove to everyone that I could be a father, no matter how hard it was.
I had made a huge sacrifice for her, and because of that everyone seemed to soften around me. They didn't look at me as if was a deadbeat. Even Alex seemed to have gone a little more soft on me, but I knew she'd kick my ass if she ever found out I was up to my old tricks.
She joined us in the room a few minutes later. She smiled at me, a real smile. She then wrapped her arms around Tyrone, and whispered something in his ear. They soon left, and Emily's mother, father and step father came in. They didn't seem overly interested in me, which must mean that Angela was going to be joining us.
A few minute later the door opened, and a nurse was wheeling Angela in, Doctor Larson was behind them. I could see even from across the room that Emily had relaxed considerably, now that she saw with her own two eyes that her daughter really was all right. I looked at her, and for a moment her eyes caught mine, she smiled at me as if she was thanking me for returning her angel.
I still remembered how excited she had been when she found out she was pregnant. I was terrified, then I was excited, and then I was terrified again, especially after she was born. I had visited Emily in the hospital just after the baby was born.
She told me that day how much of a miracle she was, and that she had decided to name her Angela because she was an angel. I had promised that day that I would be there for then on. I hadn't really been there during the pregnancy, so I figured I'd be there for her life.
It took me two years, but I was finally plugged in. The reason I hadn't really done anything before was I never really felt any kind of connection. When I went to look at my daughter for the first time, I didn't even know which one could be mine. They all looked the same. Even after I found her, she didn't seem any different from all the other babies who were laying in the bassinettes.
Then I started to think, and over think the whole situation. Not only did I not see her as anything but a little shit machine, but also saw her as something I would have to throw money at. I got out of the hospital as fast I could, without looking back. The only times I had gone to visit, or had given the money was when Emily had hounded me and I got sick of hearing it.
But now, as I saw her coming into the room in her hospital crib, I felt like I was looking at my daughter. I finally felt the connection with her I had only ever been told about. She was my daughter, and I had not only helped create her, but I had helped keep her on this Earth. That was a high nothing could top, and I knew I wanted to be in her life, so I could feel that good more often.
Soon everyone was crowded around her, staring in wonder, glad to see that she had made it though the surgery. She was still in a danger zone, but at least she made it through the surgery well, that was the first real hurtle she had to jump.
"So would you like an update?" Doctor Larson asked.
We all just nodded, I knew that my heart was in my throat and I was unable to speak.
"As you know, we're not out of the woods yet, but we are getting there. Angela has made it through the surgery like the trooper she is. The organ is functioning in her body, which is excellent news, of course. Her body still has a chance of rejecting the organ, as you all know, so it is imperative that she takes her medication, until she's out of the hospital that's relatively easy, and then it becomes a challenge. Just try not to get her excited, she's still extremely groggy from the surgery, and if she moves too much she may drop some of her stitches, and we don't want that. But I'll leave you alone."
He left the room. Emily was now over the crib, staring at her. I could tell she was crying. I wished someone would say something to me, but Angela was the star.
"Mommy?" she whispered.
"Stay calm, baby," Emily whispered back.
I wanted so much to see the expression on Angela's face. Emily looked over at me, and I will never forget the face she made at me. It was of pure joy, probably similar to the one she had made when she first held Angela. I had missed so much of my daughter's life already, I didn't want to miss another moment.
"You were so good for the doctors," she told Angela, I could see she was stroking her hair. "You were such a brave girl, Angela."
"Like Mommy and Daddy?"
I could feel the tears running down my face. I hoped no one would look over, and realize that under it all I was just a big softie.
"Yes, like Mommy and Daddy," I heard Emily say.
If I was so brave why couldn't I have been there for her whole life? I was brave when it came to being a goon, but I was not brave when it came to being a man. I was going to change that. I wanted to hear more of what was going on, but it was impossible for me to keep my eyes open.
I woke up a few hours later, to the sensation of someone running their hands through my hear. I opened my eyes, and was surprised to see that Emily was the one who was touching me.
"Emily?" I asked.
She smiled at me, her eyes full of tears. "Thank you," she whispered.
"No, Emily, thank you for making that wonderful little girl."
She took my hand. "You saved her."
"Maybe, but I was just making up for lost time with her."
"Dylan, why didn't you do anything for her before?"
"I just wasn't ready. I thought I had all kinds of time with her. Then she got sick, and I realized, she could be gone, and if she had she would have never known me. I don't want that for her. So I did what I had to, to try and make it so that she could be in this world just a little longer."
"She's amazing isn't she?"
"She really is. I don't know how she didn't just go crazy being here all that time."
"She doesn't really understand everything still."
"She knew she was away from her home, and her toys, and that's enough to make anyone on edge."
She nodded. "You have a point. We made a very special little girl."
"We did."
She kissed my hand. "I love you."
"I love you."
I didn't really mean it, thought. I felt horrible as soon as I said it. I was leading her on again, and I didn't want to do that. She caressed the inside of my hand, and I didn't stop her. I never stopped it, and then I'd wake up scared, and have to leave when it was all over. I could feel her hand in mine as I fell asleep, and try as I might to pull away, I simply couldn't.
--
It had been two months since the operation. Since then I had been seeing more of Angela. I would take the same days off as Emily so that I could go over to see her for a few hours. I still wasn't ready to have her over at my place, yet. She was still on so many pills and a special diet, and I didn't trust myself to lay down the law about what she needed.
Emily and I had not been particularly close since I had been in the hospital. She was mostly just glad that I had decided to take an active role in our daughter's life. I hated the fact that the only thing that had made me give a shit was that she had almost died. I was happy to get every day with her, I never realized before it would be just as easy to lose her as anyone else.
I was on my way over to visit them. Angela was always excited when she saw me. I guess she thought that I might start not coming by again, and she did not let me out of her sight the entire time I was there. I knocked on the door, and Emily let me in. Angela was playing on her rocking horse. Upon seeing me, she jumped off of it, and came running toward me.
"Daddy!" she exclaimed, finally stopping when she hit my leg, and had wrapped herself around it.
I leaned down to pick her up. "I miss you too Angela."
It always baffled me as to why Emily insisted she be called by her full name by everyone but her step father. I didn't really question it though, it was her choice. I had lost my voice when I had decided not to take responsibility for my daughter right away.
I actually looked forward to my time with her. I think Emily was just glad for the break. She would often clean up, or just relax while I played with her.
I wanted to talk to her about what had happened in the hospital, but every time I tried to explain the words just would not come out of my mouth.
I did love Emily, but not in the way she wanted me to. I loved her because she had given birth to my daughter, and despite my short comings had let me take my time to be in her life. Most people would not do that, but Emily was a very special person.
"Would you like some coffee?" she asked me.
"No, I'm all right, thank you," I replied.
I figured that if she was starting to teach Angela about manners, I should try and have some around them. She disappeared into the kitchen for a moment, and came back out with a mug in her hand.
"Mommy?" Angela said.
"Yes, Sweetie," she replied.
"Can we go to the park?"
"What about Daddy?"
"All of us, please Mommy?"
"All right."
Emily set the mug down, knowing she didn't have time for coffee anymore. She helped Angela into her shoes, and before long we were on our way to the park. We looked like a real family. Emily and I on either side of Angela holding her hands, as we walked down the street. We were getting up to a curb, and I glanced at Emily, I knew she was thinking the same thing.
"Hold on tight," she said to Angela.
"One… two… three…" I said.
Angela squeezed my hand tighter, and we gently swung her over the curb. She was giggling like crazy, when we set her back down.
"Again!" she cried.
We got to the other side of the street then repeated the process. I couldn't believe it was the first time she had had that done to her. I used love that when I was a kid. I wanted to be up in the air between my parents all the time.
Angela was still giggling as we continued walking, I caught Emily's eye, and she just smiled at me. There was something more in the smile, and I smiled back. It was nice when we were able to get along for the sake of our little girl. Before long we were at the park, and Angela had made us let go of her hands, and had run off to go play. Emily and I sat next to each other on a bench, both keeping close watch of our daughter.
"This is nice, huh?" I asked her.
"Yeah, it is," she replied.
"We should do this more often."
"Angela would love it."
I smiled at her. "What about you?"
"What about me?"
"Would you like it if we could do this more often?"
She shrugged. "Sure, I would. But that's not really an option with us now is it?"
"It could be?"
She shook her head. 'I know you Dylan, you would promise me the moon to get what you want."
"I want you, me and Angela to be a family."
"That ship has long since sail, Dylan. Besides, you're not ready to be a full time father, and you're certainly not ready to be a husband."
"Would you have thought three months ago that I'd be sitting here with you, watching her play at the park?"
"I wished that you would be, but I never held out hope."
"What changed?"
"You know exactly what happened to change it. You realized that our daughter, and yourself were mortal, and that you really didn't have all the time you may have wanted with her."
I shrugged, knowing she had a point. "But I'm still here aren't I?"
"I don't want another tragedy to bring us together."
I leaned over to kiss her, but she pulled away. "What's wrong?" I asked.
"This, us, it's wrong. We have proven that time and time again, Dylan. I'm tired of it, I can't keep going on like this." "Like what?"
"Pretending that what you're telling me is the actual truth this time. Instead of lies to get me back in bed with you."
"You know you are more then that to me Emily."
"No, Dylan, I don't. You have a pretty good track record of letting me wake up alone, after promising me you'd always be there to wake up next to."
"I can change."
"Anyone can change, but I don't think you want to change."
That hurt, but maybe she had a point. I understood that I didn't have the best history with her, but I could be serious that time. I could wake up in the middle of the night, and roll back to sleep, instead of running out as fast I could. I wanted every time before to be different, to wake up and be with her again. To wake up, and be there for Angela again, it just didn't end up working out that way. Something would always wake me up, and I would always have to leave.
"Things are good for Angela right now," she told me. "I don't want to screw that up."
"Are you saying that if we got back together I'd stop seeing Angela?" I asked.
"You could, and I'm not willing to take the risk. My daughter just found her father, I am not doing anything that may make her lose him again."
I knew that she was right, but a part of me wanted to prove to her that I could be good for them. It wasn't as if I was raised to not live up to my responsibilities, but there was this part of me that just had to leave as soon as things got serious. I loved my daughter with all my heart, I always have, but I was only recently able to be there for her. In a way I loved Emily, but I was terrified to commit myself to her.
I liked watching my daughter playing. She seemed to be having a lot of fun, even by herself. Another little girl about her age joined her shortly after, and for some reason the child looked very familiar. I couldn't really figure it out, so I decided it must not be important. Then I saw a woman, I knew I knew, who was the little girl's mother. We had dated until I found out she had a kid the same age as mine.
"Dylan, Dylan Mathews?" she asked me.
"Yeah," I replied, sheepishly, wishing I could have ran away.
"Who's this?"
"My uh- girlfriend?"
Emily shot me a nasty look, but didn't say anything.
"So what, Dylan, you run like a bat out of hell when you find out about my daughter, but you play house with your new girlfriend?" she demanded.
"We're not playing house, he's not even my boyfriend," Emily snapped.
"Did I ask you?"
"If you don't want my opinion don't include me or my daughter in your argument."
"I just hope you know what you're getting into with him."
"I'm not getting into anything, so don't you try and warn me about him. Let me guess he promised to bring you to the moon and back, until he found out you had a child."
"How did you know?"
"I dated him, and had a child with him."
She backed off after that. I was kind of annoyed with Emily, but she had gotten her to go away. We sat in silence on the bench for a long moment.
"That's why I'd never date you again," she stated.
"What?" I asked.
"You would never not look elsewhere."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"I saw the way you looked at her before you realized who she was. If I hadn't been here you probably would have tried to patch things up between the two of you."
"Whatever."
"I don't delude myself into thinking I'm the only person you keep trying to get back with."
I decided it was better not to argue with her, she looked very pissed off because of the encounter. I just watched as our daughter played, still with the same little girl. We were there about an hour before Angela started complaining she was hungry. We went back to Emily's, and had lunch. Then Angela went down for her nap. Which was usually when I would leave. But that day I wanted to talk to Emily.
"Look, Emily, about that woman today," I said.
"You don't have to explain anything to me. I know what you are Dylan. Right now I am just happy that you are there for our daughter. I told you already I am not about to do anything to jeopardize that, all right?"
"It could be different this time."
"And it could be the same."
"I'd still want to see Angela, that surgery really woke me up, Emily."
"I know that, but what if I were to tell you that if you left one more time I would not want you to see Angela anymore?"
I felt like I was shot, I was so taken aback by her words. If I wanted to be with Emily again, and I couldn't do right by her then I'd never see my daughter again. That was not something I was willing to risk, not until I knew for sure that Emily was really who I wanted.
"I need to go," I whispered.
"Yeah," she agreed.
I slipped out of the apartment, and then went home. I could hardly believe that I was going to have chose between them. I knew I was not ready to spend the rest of my life with one person. I also knew that there was a part of me that wanted Emily. Was the part of me that loved Angela more important then the part that didn't want Emily to stray far? Logically I knew what the answer should be, but I wasn't sure that my heart agreed.
I loved my daughter so much, and I knew I didn't want to do anything that might make me loose her, but would I really be able to keep my hands off of Emily for her? I hoped I could, but I trusted myself around her as much as she did.
I knew was beginning to crawl out of the hole I had been wallowing in, but I did not know how long it would last. Even though I now involved myself with my daughter's life, I was still, essentially, the same person I had always had been, and that person really liked the ladies. I guess that only time will change me, and I was starting to hope it would be for the better.
end
end notes: he went to the wizard of Oz and got a brain tear well no, but he has a heart and brain now! yay! i rally hope you liked the conslusion to this little cliffhanger, up next would be kylie, hopefully that'll be a barrel of monkeys so please stay tuned and give me a shout if you're still reading this fic! please please i wanna know that i'm not writing this for myself