Chapter 36

Selfish

Gil stood by the phone in his room, the receiver in his hand at the ready, he felt nervous tension building up in every limb until his body felt as if it might seize up at any moment. He had an operator ring out to Catherine Willow's cellular phone and he'd been waiting for five minutes now for an answer, anxious as hell.

"Willows," Came a disgruntled response.

"It's Grissom," Gil responded quickly, "did I wake you?"

"No, I was driving to work – I had to find somewhere to pull over, what's up?" Catherine asked.

"I have a problem…" Gil said, he tried to swallow back his emotion as best he could. It felt too close to even let Catherine hear how upset he was.

"I'll say. This call will be costing you more than you can probably afford," Catherine mused.

"I'm serious," Gil sighed.

Catherine paused, "Grissom…you sound weird…what's wrong?"

He winced at how perceptive Catherine could even be on the phone, "it's Sara…and me…we've had a huge argument, I don't know what to do…"

"About?" Catherine asked.

"I know you're going to think I'm crazy…but…she has a drinking problem…and there's something else going on, I can't put my finger on what it is though…"

"What was the argument about?"

"She thought I was flirting with a student after the lecture," Gil answered, "to be honest though, I wasn't…truly wasn't. Then Sara starts throwing the liquor back like it's water…drinking like a fish."

"I've seen her do that, it's impressive," Catherine admitted.

"Anyway, so we were in her suite and I tried to find out what was bothering her. I don't think my flirting with the student – which I wasn't – is what the real problem is. She won't tell me. She asked me to leave. I said 'is that what you really want' or something like that, and she said 'all I want is to be loved'."

"So what did you do?" Catherine asked.

"I left."

"You LEFT?" Catherine demanded.

"She told me to leave," Gil reminded.

"So you left. Jesus, Grissom, are you that stupid. The woman says all she wants is to be loved and instead of taking her in your arms and saying 'baby, I love you', you walk out on her. If she ever talks to you again I'll be surprised," Catherine chided, "do you know how it feels to have someone abandon you at a moment like that? Wait…what am I saying, you're Grissom, you probably don't have a clue…" she said. "You're in deep shit. You've messed up."

Gil sighed, he sat down on the bed, phone in hand, "so…what should I do?"

"That depends. What do you feel?" Catherine queried.

"I don't know what I feel. She's been talking about wanting to take things to the next level, wanting to think about the future, and now she wants to be loved…" he sighed. He rubbed his forehead, the beginning of a headache making itself known.

"You're scared of commitment," Catherine decided.

"I'm not scared of commitment," Gil retorted quickly, "I just think it wouldn't be wise to rush into this."

"Grissom, trust me, I've met SO many men who get even slightly squeamish at the mention of commitment and future. I can smell commitment-phobia a mile off. You're definitely a commitment-phobic."

"Look, having Sara in my life is hard, I've had to change everything, okay. I'm not ready to have her clothes in a drawer in my bedroom, or having the scent of her shampoo in my bathroom just yet. I'm just starting to get used to being with her – I'm not ready for the next step."

"And if you don't take the next step you chance losing her, Grissom."

Gil felt a strange stab of fear rush through his gut, "are you serious?"

"Yes," Catherine said, "Grissom, how long as she had this thing for you?"

"A long time, probably longer than I can even think of," Gil confessed.

"Have you any idea how completely frustrating it can be to love someone when that person keeps their distance from you?" Catherine asked.

"I…uh…" he faltered, "Well…no. I do know how frustrating it is to have someone in front of you that you care for and not being able to do anything about it though – and that's how I feel Cath. I feel so damn helpless. Sometimes, when she's not pushing me to go further, I feel ready to try and go a little further, but when she does, I feel like withdrawing. I don't know how to explain it," He rambled, "Cath…what should I do?"

"Do you love her?" Catherine asked softly.

"I…uh…"

"Stop pussyfooting around with the answer and just say it, do you love her?"

Gil swallowed his nervousness back, "yes."

"Okay, if you can admit it to me, then you can admit it to her. Be poetic, if you can't say the three words, at least say something that indicates you do…just…let her know…otherwise you will lose her," Catherine said, she was beginning to sound as frustrated as Gil felt.

"Okay…" Gil said sighing again, his chest tightened as he did so.

"And stop thinking about yourself. You're not the only one involved. If you really do love her, you won't put yourself first. So what if you're not ready to have her clothes in your drawer in your room, so what if you don't want the smell of her shampoo in your bathroom. Stop being so damn selfish."

"Okay…" Gil stood, "I'll go see her right now."

"Who's my secret admirer?" Catherine demanded quickly.

"Later, Cath," Gil responded, and hung up quickly.

He sucked in a breath and headed up towards Sara's hotel suite. Barely twenty minutes had passed since he'd left her, he felt that she'd still be up. He knocked twice, but received no answer at the door, and on the third knock, she finally answered. She'd changed into jeans and a sweater, her hair was pulled back in a ponytail, her eyes were red and puffy almost as if she'd been crying, but he saw no signs of tears.

Sara pursed her lips together tight to see him, her expression dark.

"I need to speak with you…" Gil admitted.

"Make it quick," Sara uttered, she opened the door and let him, she headed off to the bedroom, Gil followed her quickly.

She had a suitcase on the bed, and she moved over the dresser, took her clothes out of the top drawer and dropped them into the suitcase.

"What's going on?" Gil asked, watching her, he felt the tiny prickles of panic flowing through him.

"I'm leaving," Sara said, "I'm leaving here, I'm going back to Vegas. I'm going to quit my job and I'm going back to San Franciso."

"No…don't…" Gil moved over, "please…"

"This isn't working!" Sara said. She'd sobered up quickly but Gil could still see the strange vacancy and haunted expression in her eyes that she'd had only twenty minutes ago.

"I know…and it's my fault…it's my fault…" Gil sighed, "I'm going to fix it."

"You've been making those kinds of promises ever since we got together, Gil. I'm sick of hearing them. Life was a lot simpler when I was just in love with you and you were pretending to not know it. I still hurt but at least it seemed a lot more stable."

Gil stopped her from fumbling with her suitcase, he took her by the wrists and turned her to him, "Sara…you need to listen to me…"

Sara looked away from him, "fine. I'm listening."

"I know I'm giving you a lot of grief. Believe me, I'm trying to be everything you want me to be, it's not that easy…and I know I shouldn't have walked out after what you said you wanted…"

Sara's eyes – which were staring so deeply into space – glazed over, glistening as if threatening to spill with fresh tears. He'd seen her cry before, and it always seemed to burn away a part of his soul every time she did.

"Don't you think I want to be able to say that to you? I can't tell you how many times this week alone that the thought has raced through my head – I can't tell you how many perfect opportunities I've missed. We were standing in the snow the first night being here, and I thought, 'God, if there was ever a right time, it's now'…and you know what? I couldn't do it."

Sara pursed her lips together again as if she were biting down the temptation to say something that might be uncalled for.

"Just because I'm not good at this emoting thing, and just because I can't say how I feel as easily as you can doesn't mean I don't feel it, or don't want to…" he said tenderly, he let his hands loosen on his wrists and slid them down so they caught her hands, "this is such a struggle with me. Whenever I'm with you it's always a struggle for me, and you know that. Don't you think I wish I were as smooth was Warrick and could just breeze through this whole relationship so nonchalantly?"

Sara finally put her eyes on him, her expression still dark and somber, her eyes glittering with tears what would fall any moment now.

"What you're doing now…this drinking…this…anger…it's scaring me, Sara. I'm not scared for me, I'm scared for you. If I'm totally to blame for it then…I can try as best to try and repair some of the damage I've done. But if it's not all my fault…then you need to tell me so I can try and help you get through it as best I can…"

Sara pulled her hands away, she sniffed, blinking back the tears, she looked away from him again, her lips trembling. "It's not all you."

"Then what is it?" Gil asked slowly.

Sara shook her head, indicating she really wasn't ready to say at the moment.

"Don't you trust me?" he asked.

Sara sat down slowly on the bed, she put her hands to her face, the first sob didn't come for some moments yet, but every sob that came there after was more heartwrenching than the first. Gil sat beside her slowly, he slid his arm around her and pulled her to him fiercely, her sobs stifled on his chest.

He stroked her hair and rocked her slightly in his arms, and prepared himself to wait out her crying. Once the tears dried out, there would be a lot to talk about.

Thanks to everyone for reviewing...thanks to the following for reviewing with more than 3 lines:

MissAmanda, Kristy87, jtbwriter, jbr12376, Piper135. :)

Reviews make my day!

PS. I wrote this chapter just after I uploaded chapter 35 (that shows how fast I write lol).

SS