John broke into a run. Rodney started after him, alarmed, about to call for Beckett. It was only when John turned his head, a big smile on his face, when he recognized that John was just being playful and wanted to race him back to the infirmary. Rodney forced a smile and joined the race. He was feeling miserable this morning. Carson and he had been dancing around this issue for weeks, but today, they had a meeting with Weir about John's future. John had to leave the infirmary eventually and he wasn't fit enough to leave on his own. That was what they all agreed on. What to do about it was the question they all had different answers. Rodney had forgotten all about the race and had slowed down to a normal walking pace; he was so busy with his thought. Only when John tugged on his arm, he followed him to the infirmary. John was in good spirits as on most days. in the first month or two, Rodney had felt sadder than ever in his life. He still felt the profound sadness and guilt tugging at his heart, but spending almost all his time with John had changed his outlook a lot. He had become softer. He still tried to present his arrogant facade on occasion but usually it was half hearted. Science had vanished in the background. He still kept up by reading most of the reports via Zelenka, but he felt no urge to get involved or even to correct Cavanaugh when he red something he knew was totally incorrect in his report. In the past, he wouldn't have been able to resist the urge. Mealtimes were a highlight in his and John's day. They usually sat with Ford, Teyla and Bates and Markham who now formed a team. Over meals to shared stories of their latest adventures. Even though he wasn't sure how much John understood of what was being said, he seemed to enjoy the stories. John had lost the darkness that had been part of him in his life previously to what everyone called the accident. Rodney knew that it hadn't been an accident. it had been a mistake, his mistake. A mistake that he would pay for, for the rest of his life. John would be his constant reminder for as long as he lived. Rodney watched sadly as a nurse led john off to the shower, John could take care of himself for the most part, but he still needed constant prompting and attention. He could be left alone for a few hours at best, but he got easily frightened and agitated. So far, they had never left him alone more than necessary. Moving out of the infirmary was going to be a big step.

„You have to find back to a normal life sometime, Rodney. you can't go on like this." Carson had to restrain himself not to yell.

„This is my life. I won't leave John alone now just because he isn't useful to the City anymore. He is still my friend. "

„No one said he wasn't. Let's keep this professional gentlemen." Weir reminded them. „I agree with Dr. Beckett, Rodney. I think you should get back to work. Your contributions have been missed and Dr. Heightmeyer and I agree that you should get back on missions. I know that you have been keeping yourself in shape. I have assigned you on a mission for tomorrow morning, briefing is at 800 hours. I expect to see you there without an argument. I will not tolerate the kind of circus that we had the last time I gave you an order. If everything is clear, we can proceeded to the issue at hand." Weir said smoothly, like someone sure of their authority. Rodney's refusal to write his report had undermined her authority and she was determined not to let it happen again.

„I won't go. You know that this is not about you or your authority, Elizabeth. I still respect you. But i don't work for you anymore. I should have fired me long ago." Rodney said softly, without a hint of antagonism in his voice. He didn't want to provoke another argument, he really didn't. But he was done with his job, with gone on missions that part of his life had been over the day he had made his fatal mistake and had destroyed the life of his best friend.

„You're wrong. You are going. You are going back to work starting tomorrow." Weir said icily. „It's for your own good. You're squandering your potential sitting in the city all the time." She added more softly.

„Nothing you say will convince me. I have handed in my resignation." Rodney said.

„Rodney, she means what she says. You really need to get out sometimes. There are plenty of other people who are willing to spend time with John. He won't be alone while you are gone, if that's what you are worried about."

„You don't understand." Rodney shook his head. He was going to stay by John's side no matter what.

„Oh, I do understand. From now on, you are to see Dr. Heightmeyer on a weekly basis. I think you have some serious issues to work through. And seeing that you can't straighten out your professional life and refuse to come to work, you're no longer allowed to visit Major Sheppard in the infirmary until I say otherwise. I see you in the briefing tomorrow morning. Dismissed." Weir sounded almost said as she said the last words. Rodney said nothing as he ran out of the room.

„Weren't you a bit harsh with him? He spends all his time with the major." Carson considered.

„Exactly. I don't know what to do with him anymore. We need him. We can't let him kill himself with guilt over what he's done."

„I don't know if I could ever forgive myself if I were him."

„Knowing him, he won't ever, but at the moment I'd be happy to get the normal dysfunctional McKay back. I'm at the end of my rope with him. Do you think he'll show up tomorrow?"

Carson frowned. Rodney seemed tied to John. The intense guilt the scientist felt probably never left him alone day or night. Carson didn't even want to imagine what life like that must be like. Maybe being forced away would give the man some peace.

„Fuck!" Rodney cursed and spit out a mouthful of foul tasting water. He was on his lost, somewhere within this huge jungle on an alien planet. Great, his first mission back on the team, this time with Bates, Teyla, Ford and Markham as a pilot. It had started out all right. The climate was a pest, hot and 85 humidity had caused him to struggle early on. There hadn't been supposed to be any natives. All they had wanted to do on the planet was gather plant samples for medicinal research. Suddenly darts had been flying. Rodney had only seen Markham go down before he had fled to escape the possibly lethal attack. He had tried to run, but in the heavy and thick vegetation, he had stumbled and finally fallen head along into a shallow pond. His face was scratched from whipping branches and his ankle hurt, but otherwise he was fine. Discounting whatever bacteria were in the water. He waded back out of the water and stood pondering his next action. Every direction looked as unappealing as the next and he had no idea how to get back to the Jumper. He was lost.

The mission was 24 hours overdue when Elizabeth sent a second team through the Gate to investigate. The Jumper of the first time was still parked within visual range of the team, a MALP survey had already revealed that, but a communication attempt had not been successful. Finished with her duties in the control room, she checked her watch. It was time for dinner. She recalled a promise that she had made to Carson, something that she should have done a long time ago. Instead of heading straight to the infirmary, she headed towards John's quarters. He had moved back to his old quarters, but he was never alone. A nurse was staying in the quarters next to his, and a schedule had been set up for people to spend to with him. Many people had eagerly entered their names, but she had been hesitant. But for tonight she had volunteered. She paused in front of the door, knocked and then let herself in. John was sitting on the bed and was watching her wearily. She felt uncomfortable, not sure how to act around him. Other just acting like usual, but she can't seem to do it. It's like she is paralyzed. Acting normally, would be not right. John is not normal. It would be weird to act all normal around him. Her thoughts are racing. John is still watching her attentively. Suddenly, he gets bored and goes back to letting his fingers walk over the mattress, all his attention focussed on the new game now.

Finally, Elizabeth could move again, she walked over to him and touched his shoulder lightly.

„John, it's time for dinner. I'm taking you tonight. Rodney and the others are out on a mission." She added as an explanation. John would want an explanation, she reasoned. John looked back up, but didn't get up. He frowned and stayed on his bed, Elizabeth didn't quite know what do to. She should have spent more time with John. But she didn't want, she didn't know how to behave around him, she still didn't know. Calling Carson now would make her feel foolish. She tried again.. She got down on her knees, to get down to John's eye level.

„Hungry? It's dinner time. I'm sorry that Rodney and the other's aren't here. They will be back tomorrow." No use. John didn't even look up and walked his fingers even faster over the covers.

„I have an idea. I'll get us something to eat here. I'll be back in a minute." Elizabeth announced, not really sure whether John was aware of anything that was going on, even though Beckett had assured her that john could hear and to some degree understand what was being said around him.

10 minutes later Elizabeth was back with two plates of Mac and Cheese. The second she entered, John looked up and at the sight and smell of food, his face instantly brightened. His weariness of Elizabeth seemed to wane a bit. He came over to the table where she had set down the food. Elizabeth smiled.

Everything was wrong. He was dead tired, but didn't dare to sleep. If he fell asleep, he risked being bitten by something deadly. Not that this couldn't happen while he was awake, in fact, he had barely escaped a snake bit twice today, but during sleep, he didn't stand a change. Rodney was trying to get comfortable on a huge fallen tree log, but the pain in his now massively swollen ankle, his wet, sticky clothes and the fear of what was lurking in the darkness weren't letting him rest. He had no idea what he happened to the rest of the team. Some of them must have escaped the darts, but like him they might be lost in the maybe of the jungle. Or they might be back on Atlantis. What was John doing? Was he all right? What if he missed him? Both he and Beckett agreed that john could differentiate between different people, there was no doubt about it. He was used to Rodney. Now suddenly Rodney was gone, forbidden from spending time with him. He hoped that once he showed up for work Weir would reconsider fast. he had seen Carson had breakfast the previous morning and in spite of all their differences, the doctor had promised to put in a good word for him with Elizabeth. So had Bates, Ford and Zelenka when they had heard what had happened. Weir's move certainly hadn't been a popular one. Most thought it was 'cruel and unusual'. She would relent eventually. She just had too. If he ever got back out of this damp hell of a place to see it. Rodney got back into a sitting position, giving up on lying down. If he was going to sleep, he was going to do it leaning against the log. That way, he couldn't fall off it at least.

The door whooshed open. „I had no idea that you could do this, doctor." Zelenka commented, as Carson opened the door to Rodney's abandoned office with a thought, „If you could do this all along, then why have we been waiting so long?"

„Dr. Weir never authorized it. I asked her several times. But just before I called her, she walked into my office and told me it was all right to access Dr. McKay's office. She's got to be mad. He is going to be furious when he finds out after he comes back."

„We better make sure he does not find out, now do we. " Zelenka commented dryly. „All we need his energy reading that he took during the initial contact with the alien interface and then later when he worked on the weapon. God knows what he did, he never wrote that report. " Zelenka already started to go through McKay's files on his laptop.

„How did you know his password? " Carson was astounded.

„There are some secrets better not told."

„Thankfully our friend Rodney is obsessed with readings and keeps it all nicely filed up. There is what you need, doctor." Zelenka saved the data to the USB memory device that they had brought with them.

„Thanks for helping me on this. Without you, we wouldn't be where we are now. Unfortunately there will be no way to test the treatment. But if it is possible with the energy remaining in the crystals, then I will make the recommendation to Dr. Weir."

Rodney didn't know whether the scream was a signal of triumph, a means of alerting the rest of the tribe, or something else entirely. The only thing he knew for sure was that he was being wrestled to the ground was embarrassing ease by a man far smaller and lighter than him. Ropes tightened around his wrists and he was rudely pulled back to his feet. A fist in the back told him that he was expected to get moving. The trek through the jungle was mercifully brief and didn't include anything worse than he had already had. A few more punches in the back and a kick in the back of the knees only added to his day after a sleepless night. The village was in a treeless area, consisting of a circle of huts, with a wall less hut in the centre. He could see a few men lounging under the roof, smoking something, chatting with each other. They cane out from their gathering place when he and his captor arrived. A brief exchange in an alien tongue took place and he was led towards the side of the village, past the last hut. He just saw the pit fast enough to brace himself for the fall before he was shoved over the rim.

„I understand that you have been working on this for months, gentlemen. Tell me, what are the risks?" Dr. Weir asked. It was still early, but when she had heard what Carson and Zelenka had wanted to see her about, she had agreed to see them before breakfast.

„It's heard to say. The treatment is untested. I think I have found a way to complete the process that the Ancient interface started in the major's brain, but without using him as an energy source as the device originally intended,"

Elizabeth was confused. „Back up there, doctor. Start from the beginning,"

„The Ancient device that caused John accident, it was a device that used the user's energy to load the device with energy. Energy that could be used to create a powerful weapon. The interface of the device is what caused the changes to the major's brain. That's the only explanation. From what Rodney told me, Major Sheppard had a seizure when he was first connected to the interface, his connection was severed before the transfer was complete, which is good because the device would have killed him. But on the other hand, the interrupted connection to the interface left his mind basically waiting for input from the interface, to put it simply."

„I get it, I get it. Now you have found a way to treat him."

„Most possibly yes. I have studied the interface with the help of Dr. Zelenka and I think it can be used in a non harmful way to complete the connection to Major Sheppard's mind. Now as I said there is no way to test this and given his previous strong reaction to the interface there are risks of seizure and subsequent brain damage. He could even die."

„John would take the chance. It doesn't matter what we think about it." Elizabeth decided.

TBC