Chapter 38

Kind Of

The view from the battlements of Edinburgh Castle was spectacular, allowing Sara and Gil to stare out at the city and beyond. Beyond the firth, a mist had begun to roll over the land, threatening to spill eventually over to Edinburgh. The air was damp, and chilly, and the sky was overcast promising rain.

Gil and Sara had spent the whole day sightseeing as much as they could, ending with the castle. Gil had suggested leaving the best for last.

Sara was standing at the battlements with her digital camera in hand, taking photos of the view, her hair whipping around in a cold wind, her open jacket flapping at her back.

Gil felt a strange sadness overtaking him as he watched her. She'd been fine all day, but he could still feel there was something not quite right. Something that – for all he knew – could have been going on before he even knew her. He'd practiced in his head how he might ask her, but each time he tried to get the words out he'd quickly change his mind and speak about something they'd seen on their sightseeing tour.

He moved over to stand beside Sara, and he let his arms rest on the heavy bricks of the battlement, he gazed over the city.

"It's going to rain," Sara pointed out.

"I know," Gil said, "I saw a weather report on the television in my room before we left – tomorrow is supposedly going to be fine weather. No snow, no wind, possibly just a little bit of sunshine."

"I'll believe it when I see it," Sara smirked, she put her camera down.

Gil stepped closer and snaked his arm around her shoulders and he pulled her to him in a half hug, "your head still hurt?" he asked.

"A little, but I actually think the fresh air is doing it good," she leaned into him.

"I'd advise not drinking tonight," he kissed her temple.

Sara was silent for some time, she stood holding her camera, gazing out at the view. "Gil…I like it here, but I can't wait to go home."

Gil took a deep breath, he couldn't look her in the eyes when he spoke next, "home to Vegas, or home to San Francisco?" he remembered her words as she'd said them the night before, she'd threatened to quit her job, leave Las Vegas, and move back to San Francisco. He couldn't bear the thought of it, and hoped that she had dropped the idea altogether.

Sara paused, as if trying to decide, "if I went back to San Fran, would you follow me?" she asked, there was seriousness in her voice and that very seriousness gave Gil chills from more than just the cold air.

"Yes, but I'd probably have Greg follow me, you know him and his little obsession for you…" Gil finally joked, he tried to play it off with nonchalance.

"I'm serious," Sara turned towards him, and she stood staring at him.

"I know you're serious," He sighed.

"Would you follow me?"

Gil had to stop and think about this. Before he could give her an answer, he had to ask himself the same question. If she left, could he follow her? Could he give up everything he'd ever worked for? If she left, would his life be the same if he tried to carry on? Would he feel an emptiness?

He finally spoke, "Is…this a hypothetical situation…or are you actually thinking of leaving CSI…?" he asked, he tried to hide the concern in his voice.

"I asked you first," Sara folded her arms and looked at him, waiting for his answer.

Gil stopped to think again. He tried to imagine how life could be without Sara would be. Being in a relationship with her had changed his life so much that he was no longer the workaholic he'd been before. He liked who he was now much better than he'd liked who he'd been before. Sara had changed him – he'd changed for her and now he couldn't go back. "I…uhm…" he faltered for a moment, he stared straight ahead at her, speechless.

"Just say it…"

"Yes…I'd follow," he finally managed, there was a lump in his throat.

Sara smiled at him, "Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere…it's hypothetical, I just wanted to make you sweat."

"I know," he lied, he tried to smile confidently back at her, but he felt uneasy, as if for a moment their whole future had totally depended on the answering of that one question, "so…are we done here? I thought we'd go see dinner and a movie…"

"Sounds good," Sara nodded.

The movie came first, although to be honest, Gil hadn't been able to pay attention to it at all. Sara's threats to leave CSI from the night before were still whirring through his mind. How close had he come to losing her?

Suddenly the stability of the relationship wasn't so stable anymore and Gil realised that Catherine was right, things couldn't just keep going on as they were. Eventually things would have to change.

While sitting through the movie, he tried to map out the whole relationship in his head in terms of progress as if he were making a scientific analysis of what had happened so far, and what the next logical steps were.

No matter how many different ways he tried to map the relationship out, the next logical step always seemed to lead to sex. They dated for over a month, they'd kissed – and passionately on one or two occasions. The next step, logically, was making love.

He wished he could quietly slide out of the movie theatre without Sara noticing he was gone. He'd call Catherine from a payphone and beg her for advice on the subject. However, there was no point – without even calling her, he already knew what Catherine would say. There were a thousand different ways he could think of Catherine putting it bluntly across to him, but they all came to the same thing - that he should take the leap and do it.

Would it really be such a bad idea to just be impulsive and make love to her madly like a character in a French Porn? He wondered, he felt somewhat amused at the thought. He turned to look at Sara. The flickering of the screen lit up her face, her eyes two dark gems sparkling, her slightly apart.

Sara seemed so enthralled by the movie, she did not feel his stare weighing heavy on her, she simply remained still, staring forward at the screen. She lifted her diet coke to take a quick sip, never taking her eyes from the screen for even a second. Gil watched her, fascinated by her as she was fascinated by the movie.

What if you do make love to her? Gil thought. What then? Does it mean we have to start thinking about step four, making some kind of commitment right away?

He knew he was jumping the gun. One step hadn't been taken and already the thought of the step that would follow already concerned him. And yet, he found himself strangely enchanted by the thought of it. He'd avoided thinking about it up until now – to a certain extent. He'd always thought the part of him that was very much the driven hot blooded male should be suppressed during their relationship for now.

The more he thought about it though, the more he realised that there had been instances where he'd accidentally let it loose. The kiss in the car, the passionate kiss in Sara's apartment after Catherine had told him to 'be a man'. Every time he'd felt challenged, that part of him took over, it gave him the courage to push himself a little further, gave him courage to do what he wanted.

And now he found himself wondering how things might turn out should he 'accidentally' let that part of his mind run amok. If he could just find a way of feeling challenged enough so that he was pushed into feeling bold enough, then making love might be easy.

Why are you sitting here trying to make sense of it, trying to plan out this when you should just be spontaneous and carefree instead of worried, and anxious? He frowned at himself and faced the screen again. And why are you spending time worrying when you're supposed to be enjoying a movie with Sara? He asked himself.

But he wasn't enjoying the movie. His thoughts kept shifting towards sex, and he found it harder and harder to focus. The movie seemed to morph into nothing more than blobs of colour and meaningless voices with their words he didn't hear.

He stared into space, his mind still in the same place it had been before, only now, the thoughts were stronger, more persistent. He began to ask himself more questions, questions that he hadn't thought to ask himself before. Questions such as how he thought the first time with Sara might be, would he be good enough, would he be a disappointment. When would it take place, and where? Even absurd questions such as how long would it take, and what would he do once they were there in bed?

Gil tried to shake all this from his mind. When the movie ended, he was grateful.

As they were leaving, he held Sara's hand, Sara walked with her large diet coke still in hand, sipping every now and then as they walked down the streets. The pavements were sleek from an earlier rain, so that the orange glow of the streetlamps reflected on them.

"What'd you think of the movie?" Sara asked.

"It was fine," Gil answered. To be honest, he couldn't even remember what the title of the movie was or who'd been in it. He couldn't remember what it was about either.

"You weren't paying attention," Sara said, she sipped her coke as she waited for his response.

"I was, I was just…distracted, I didn't have my glasses on and I was finding it hard to focus on the screen," he shrugged.

Sara merely looked at him, her expression spoke of how much she believed him – very little. "You're hyperopic," she raised an eyebrow, "farsighted, not nearsighted. You don't need your glasses to see that far ahead."

Gil winced, she'd caught him, "oh yeah…forgot."

"What is with you?" Sara laughed.

"You don't want to know, trust me," he forced a smile.

Sara rolled her eyes, "Gil Grissom, international man of mystery," she teased.

"It's only a mystery if you keep wondering about it," he pointed out. "Hangover any better?"

"A lot better," Sara nodded, "Headache and nausea, totally gone."

"That's good to know…" Gil stopped for a moment, and Sara took a step ahead without realizing he'd stopped until her hand, clasping his, caused her to be hauled to a stop too.

"What?" She asked, confused.

Gil wasn't sure why he'd stopped at first, but then everything he'd been thinking about in the movie theatre came rushing back to him. "Lets skip dinner," he suggested.

"You tired?" Sara asked, still keeping a firm hold of his hand.

Gil looked past her for some moments, they both remained still, traffic on the roads whizzed past, people hurried by, oblivious to their standing in the middle of the street hand in hand. This very thing reminded him of how he and Sara seemed caught in this perpetual cycle of dating and nothing but. Everything else around them was moving, but they seemed to be staying in the same place. He had to push things forward, he had to make it so they moved with everything else.

Finally, in a very slight voice, he spoke. "Kind of…"

Does this count as an evil cliffhanger? Mwahahaha.

Thanks to the following people for reviewing: jbr12476, luckyladyinlace, Erlina Silverstra, GypsySmiles, Miss Amanda, kristy87, PhDelicious, Aidrianna, Ambient Flames, jtbwriter, ObsessedWithCSI, WingdFairy90, alias101, Gina, and Tracy

This just isn't the people who've reviewed for the last 2 chaps past 3 lines of text, actually some of them only had 2 lines, but the kind words they did review with really made my day.