A/N: As usual, you guys are so on top of things. I'm glad people are liking this so far. The story is about to start being told largely through flashbacks, which I've never done before because they're often confusing to read. I think I've made it clear which is which, although since I wrote them of course I would think that. Anyway, the basic rule for this story is: the flashbacks can be trusted completely. They're what really happened, but are not what General Hammond is being told specifically. If you're bored, try making a Venn diagram comparing and contrasting what actually happened to what General Hammond thinks happened.
Okay, I need to stop reading Jon Stewart... please, nobody actually make a Venn diagram.
Unless you really want to.
Ch 2: Rocky Start
Jack sat up, blinking quickly. Damn that table was hard. Now he was probably going to have a headache all day... Of course, from the way Hammond was looking at him he might very well not make it out of the room alive, in which case a headache would really be the least of his worries. On the other hand, he really had nothing left to lose...
He glanced at Sam and winked suggestively. "Looks like we got caught, Carter. I told you to be more careful, parading around all weekend in your little thongs, and leaving them lying all over the house where anyone could find them..."
"Sir!" Sam was clearly not amused. She turned to General Hammond and said quickly, "Sir, this is NOT how it sounds. As you know you gave all of us the weekend off, including Dr. Fraiser, whose parents own a lake house and..."
Daniel and Teal'c came into the briefing room. Daniel looked bewildered. Teal'c looked irritated at having his breakfast interrupted. Well, to Jack at least. In actuality, he really didn't look that different from how he always looked.
"Thank God! Guys, tell General Hammond what happened this weekend," Sam begged quickly.
"Okay," Daniel said amiably, taking a seat across the table from Jack and Sam. Teal'c sat down as well and touched his fingertips together, elbows propped up on the table.
"T, are you doing Mr. Burns?" Jack asked, shocked.
"That was not my intention, O'Neill," Teal'c said, folding his hands instead. "General Hammond, do you need to visit the infirmary? You appear unwell."
"Just a mild heart attack, Teal'c, nothing to be concerned about," Hammond said sarcastically. He immediately shook his head and sighed. He had been around Jack O'Neill way too long.
"I see," Teal'c said evenly. He did not enjoy O'Neill's sarcasm, and did not want it spread among the rest of the Tau'ri.
"So, what exactly do you want to know about this weekend, General?" Daniel asked.
"Did either of you hear or see anything that would lead you to believe that Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill are in violation of the fraternization regulations?" Hammond asked directly.
Daniel shifted somewhat nervously. He had always thought Hammond knew how Jack and Sam felt about each other (you'd have to be living in a hollowed out tree stump not to know,) but that Hammond knew they would also never act on those feelings. Being asked outright... Daniel's thick eyebrows nearly met as he furrowed his brow, replaying the General's exact words. Okay, so he wasn't specifically asking about feelings; in fact, it sounded like he had very carefully worded his question so that it ONLY asked about actually witnessing something... physical? Why on Earth would Hammond think...
Jack watched poor Daniel trying to infer the entire context of the situation based on little more than nothing and said, "General, maybe you should just show them the tape."
"Very well," Hammond said. He replayed the locker room footage, Daniel and Teal'c's eyebrows both competing to see who could climb the highest in the shortest amount of time. Teal'c was victorious.
Knowing what Hammond assumed the context of their innocent conversation to be made watching the footage even more embarrassing the second time around. Carter really, really tried very hard to make herself invisible.
"Is it true that Colonel O'Neill encouraged you both to play some sort of game with Major Carter's underwear this weekend?" Hammond asked, internally adding, 'There's a sentence I never thought I'd have to say.'
"No, sir, that is absolutely not true," Daniel said, shaking his head emphatically.
"So, you have never seen the Colonel with one of Major Carter's... thongs... in his hand?" Hammond pressed.
"Yes, sir, I have," Daniel said honestly.
"But you just..."
"General Hammond, the thong in question was not an undergarment. It was, in fact, a shoe," Teal'c interrupted.
"See, that's what I was trying to tell you," Jack said. "Thank you, Teal'c."
"You are welcome, O'Neill."
Hammond looked at all of them and sighed. "Why the hell didn't you just say that in the... you know what, I don't care. All right. I'm inclined to believe you all, God help me. But since this incident has probably already spread across the base like wildfire, I need to hear more details, people."
Everyone started talking at once. Hammond held up his hand for silence. "One at a time, please. Just... start at the beginning."
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The previous Thursday, office of one Dr. Daniel Jackson (archaeologist/linguist/Spacemonkey extraordinaire)
"Aw, come on, Danny, it'll be fun!" Jack O'Neill insisted, absently picking up some rock thing off Daniel's desk and rolling it back and forth between his hands experimentally to see if it came apart, opened up, dispensed candy or did anything else remotely cool. Apparently it did not. Lame.
"Jack, I am not spending a rare, precious three day weekend off on a boat, on a lake, in the middle of the hottest summer in Colorado history, just so you can see Sam in a bikini."
"What?" Jack snapped, dropping Daniel's rock as he looked up at Daniel sharply. Jack picked the rock back up wordlessly. Daniel was counting quietly, in some other language. Or maybe he was praying for patience or something. Hell, he could have been calling Jack a flying purple people eater for all he knew.
"That's not why I want to do this! It'll be fun. For everyone. Cassie's dying to see us all and loves the lake. Was this paperweight looking thing important?" he asked, adding the last part as he sheepishly offered Daniel the rock, which was now missing a corner.
"No, not really," Daniel said with a sigh.
"Good," Jack said.
Daniel's cell phone rang, and he answered it, seeing from the display that it was Sam. "Hey, Sam. How was shopping?"
At the mention of 'shopping,' Jack tuned the rest of Daniel's conversation out, taking the opportunity to try to think of a few more reasons why Daniel had to come with them this weekend. He hoped to come up with something that sounded a lot less pathetic than 'If you don't come Teal'c will back out and I'll be alone with Cassie, the Doc, and Carter.' Each of these women was perfectly fine company alone, and generally any paired combination was equally tolerable. But get all three together and it was always a good idea to have back-up. And a pre-planned escape route.
"Jack? Are you listening?" Daniel asked.
"Wh- yeah. What?"
"I said I'll go."
"Oh. Sweet. What changed your mind?"
"That was Sam. She just got back from taking Cassie shopping for stuff for the trip. They both sounded so excited and made it sound like a lot of fun."
"Good. In that case, don't forget your sun block, Danny boy." Jack stood to go, grinning, and just out of curiosity asked, "What kind of stuff were they buying?"
"What?" Daniel looked back at him from the old-looking notebook that had already stolen his attention and said absently, "Oh, uh, Cassie got a new swimsuit, and I think Sam said something about some new thongs."
Jack dropped the already damaged rock thing yet again. Carter buying... whoa! This time the rock thing shattered into billions of tiny little pieces. See, this was exactly why Jack had been campaigning to have Daniel's lab carpeted for years, but did anybody listen to his good ideas? No, of course not. Pay no attention to the handsome Colonel...
He stared at the mess at his feet, finally daring to look up at Daniel after a few stunned moments of silence. Daniel was being quite calm - or he'd gone into a catatonic state.
"Sorry," Jack mumbled.
"It's – okay," Daniel said with a practiced patience born of years of working with Jack O'Neill. Daniel frowned as he corrected his own internal dialogue. It wasn't working with Jack O'Neill that was dangerous. It was when he wasn't working that was the problem.
"Well, I'll go... send someone to clean this up," Jack said quickly, backing out of Daniel's office.
Daniel couldn't resist. As Jack reached the doorway, Daniel casually called, "Don't worry about it, Jack. It was just a paperweight."
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