A/N: Hee hee. I hope you guys are as tickled with this stuff as I am... luckily I have years of embarrassing situations to draw upon!
Ch 3: What happens in the truck STAYS in the truck
Monday, briefing/board/bored room.
"I'm waiting, people. ONE of you tell me how this whole mess got started."
Jack crossed his arms and said succinctly, "Everyone agreed to go to the doc's lake house for the weekend. Daniel required a little arm twisting but finally agreed."
Hammond turned to Daniel. "Care to elaborate on that, Doctor?"
"Jack broke my favorite paperweight," Daniel said, crossing his arms over his chest as well and looking across the table at Jack with a frown. He turned back to Hammond. "But yeah, that's basically it, until Jack showed up at my place late on Friday night, honking his horn loud enough to raise the dead..."
"Oh what are you complaining about, Daniel, you slept the entire drive!" Sam put in.
"People, I think we're getting off track here," Hammond interrupted.
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The previous Friday, the crowded cab of Jack O'Neill's ubiquitous pick-up truck. A road between Colorado Springs and the lake house of undetermined location.
Sam Carter sighed, glaring at her CO as she bounced uncomfortably on the bench seat, as though the bumpy road was somehow his fault. Granted, he was the one driving, but still. A bumpy road was a bumpy road. She seemed to be the only one uncomfortable though, which was saying something, as she was one of six occupants of the truck, and it was late at night after a long, hard week at work.
At the moment, Sam couldn't remember why they'd decided to all ride out to Janet's parent's lake house together. It had seemed like a good idea at the time. Then again, that was before she had realized she'd be the one squished on the front bench seat between the Colonel and Teal'c the whole time.
She glared at the sleeping occupants of the backseat yet again. Cassie had to ride in the back because she got carsick up front. Janet, once again the shortest of the group since her fourteen year-old daughter now had at least two inches on the petite doctor, offered to sit in the back because she didn't require much leg-room. Colonel O'Neill wouldn't let anybody else drive his truck, and Teal'c simply was too large to sit in the back. All three men couldn't fit up front together either, so Daniel got the back and Sam got stuck up front, with two equally uncomfortable choices for where the air vent pointed straight at her: chest or face.
All of these factors combined to make Sam very uncomfortable and more than slightly cranky, and she twisted up in her seat to look at the three sleeping occupants of the backseat with envy. All three seemed quite comfortable. The doctors were leaning against their respective windows like bookends; Cassie was stretched across them both, sleeping peacefully.
Another bump threw Sam off balance in her awkward position, and her CO reached his arm out instinctively to keep her safe. Since she was twisted in the seat and sitting up on her knees, the intended soccer-mom-save maneuver inadvertently became the abruptly-and-inappropriately-grab-your-2IC's-ass maneuver.
Sam knew it was completely accidental, of course, but that didn't stop her from turning bright red automatically. The Colonel was equally shocked, she knew. So shocked that it took him several seconds and a pointed, "Um, Colonel," from her to get him to finally move his hand.
"Sorry," he mumbled. Sam saw him grip the wheel tightly, and by the dim light of the dash could tell that he was clenching his jaw. "Turn around and buckle up forcryinoutloud, Carter," he grumbled, speaking sharply but quietly, so as not to wake everyone else up.
"I am buckled, sir," she replied, not liking the patronizing tone behind the order.
"Well, do it tighter," he ordered.
Sam rolled her eyes and tightened the belt across her lap the merest fraction of an inch. "There. Happy, sir?" she asked in as defiant a tone as Major Carter ever took with her CO.
"Ecstatic," he replied sarcastically.
"Major Carter, are you all right?" Teal'c asked quietly.
Sam looked over at him in surprise. "I thought you were kel-no-reeming."
"I was," he assured her. "However, without my candles and with the motion of the vehicle I was in a very light state. The jolt 'awoke' me."
"Oh." One look at the way the very corners of his mouth were turned up ever-so-slightly convinced her that he hadn't missed their little... accident.
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
Monday, same old briefing room.
"So we all rode up to the lake in the Colonel's truck," Sam summarized. "He insisted on driving the entire way."
"I take it nothing interesting happened in the car, so let's move on to your first night at the house..."
Sam, Teal'c, and Jack exchanged quick looks, then immediately broke the eye contact and all suddenly found their hands quite interesting.
"You arrived at the lake without incident, is everyone agreed?" Hammond prompted when nobody offered to begin furthering the narrative.
"Indeed, General Hammond."
"Boring drive, sir."
"I was asleep," Daniel put in.
"And Colonel O'Neill?"
"It was a nice drive, sir. A little... er... rough for Carter's taste, but I enjoyed it thoroughly." As if the suggestive tone of his voice wasn't enough, he had the nerve to shoot her the most smug smirk in his repertoire.
Sam narrowed her eyes at himand resisted the urge to kick him under the table. Colonel O'Neill jumped in his chair anyway, as though he had been kicked. Maybe she was developing telekinetic powers, which would be pretty cool... or, she realized as she glanced at Teal'c, who was now staring blankly at a space on the wall behind their CO's head, it could have just been him.
Hammond stared at all of them and finally said, "Let's just move on, people."
"When I woke up we were at the lake house," Daniel supplied.
"We brought our bags and supplies indoors and went immediately to bed," Teal'c added.
"Anything else?" Hammond asked.
"No," all four people said quickly. Too quickly.
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
Late Friday night/early Saturday morning if you want to be picky about it, lake house of undetermined location.
"Anything else?" Jack asked Teal'c as Jack headed back out to the truck and Teal'c headed inside with a bunch of grocery bags in one hand.
"No," Teal'c answered. "This is the last."
"Okay then." Jack took some of the bags from Teal'c and they took them into the kitchen. The lake house was decorated a little girly for Jack's personal taste, but it was very nice.
Janet came into the kitchen already dressed for bed in a big tee-shirt and women's boxers. "Everyone okay?" she asked with a yawn.
"We are fine, Dr. Fraiser."
"Yeah, go on to sleep, Doc, you don't have to play hostess with us."
"Daniel's in the room with the bunk beds if one of you wants to join him. Cassie and I are in the master bedroom; she's already asleep again. I think Sam's taking the small bedroom, so Teal'c, maybe you want to use the study to kel-no-reem, and Colonel, you can bunk with Daniel?"
"Yeah, okay. You brought his allergy medicine, right?" Jack grumbled. Daniel always got particularly sneezy in situations such as this, and snored like a buzz-saw. A bespectacled buzz-saw.
"Yes, he's already taken a Benadryl so he's probably sound asleep by now," Janet assured him, hiding another yawn. "See you guys in the morning."
"Night, Doc."
"Pleasant dreams, Dr. Fraiser."
She gave a little wave as she walked sleepily off towards the downstairs bedroom.
"You okay with taking the study, T?"
"I am, O'Neill."
"All right, I'm going to take a shower before bed so I don't end up stuck with cold water when everyone gets up tomorrow. See you in the morning, big guy."
Teal'c nodded. Jack grabbed his bag as he passed through the den and went upstairs, trying to remember the layout of the house. He had only been here once before and it was quite a while ago. The bathroom door was open, however, and there was a small night-light shaped like a butterfly plugged into the outlet by the sink. He glanced into each bedroom that connected to the bathroom, made out the vague shape of a twin bed in the small room, and a bunk bed complete with a snoring archaeologist in the other.
"Great," he muttered, shutting both doors and turning on the light. The hot shower relaxed him completely, however, soothing muscles that were complaining about being stuck in one seat driving for so long. The shower made him so sleepy he decided to put off shaving until tomorrow. Hell, they were off all weekend. Maybe he'd skip it tomorrow as well.
He quickly got ready for bed, flipped off the bathroom light, and stumbled into the bedroom. The bespectacled buzz-saw, from the sound of it, had opted for the top bunk, no doubt out of consideration for Jack's knees. Jack slid into the bottom bunk and several things happened at once.
First, he immediately became aware that the bed was occupied already occupied by one Sam Carter. Warm and soft skin collided with his, arms and legs flailed, some part of a bare leg came very close to injuring one of Jack's favorite body parts, his 2IC shrieked, Jack tried to jump out of the bed, momentarily forgetting he was in a bunk, his skull collided painfully with some wooden part of the bed and he swore loudly, Daniel rolled out of bed to see what was happening and who needed help (forgetting he was on a top bunk and falling to the floor with a loud thud and a groan,) and then everyone started asking everyone else if they were okay amidst Jack's and Daniel's various moans, groans, and cries of pain.
A few seconds later, everyone was blinded when Janet flipped the light on. She, Cassie, and Teal'c were in the doorway, clearly having jumped out of bed and rushed to see what all the commotion was about. Daniel was half-sitting up on the floor, blinking slowly, still disoriented from his fall, the Benadryl he had taken, and the fact that he didn't have his glasses on.
Jack and Sam were still in the bottom bunk and by the way she was blushing bright red and holding the blanket to her chest, Daniel correctly guessed she was probably only wearing a camisole (he could see the thin straps) and panties (he could see her sweat pants at the foot of the bed, where she had no doubt removed them after getting under the covers. Excellent deductive reasoning skills, Dr. Jackson, he mentally patted himself on the back). Jack, shirtless and in boxer shorts with hula girls on them, was holding his forehead and rocking slightly, clearly trying not to let on how much pain he was in.
"Daniel, are you okay?" Janet asked as she assessed the situation and realized Daniel had fallen off the top bunk.
"Yeah," Daniel said, sounding a bit dazed.
"Colonel, how about you?" Janet demanded, sitting down on the already too-crowded bed to examine him. Sam was clearly torn between wanting to get as far away from everyone as possible and not wanting to flash what she was wearing (or not wearing, more specifically) to the entire room.
"You told me Carter was in the other room!" Jack finally said, glaring at Janet as she poked at his hairline none-too-gently.
"I'm sorry, Colonel, I assumed she would be. Track my finger..."
"Daniel was snoring, sir, so I thought I'd sleep with him because it keeps you awake," Carter explained quickly.
"Oh. Well... thanks then."
"You're welcome, sir."
Cue awkward silence, Jack thought. He almost said it, but he refrained. Dr. Fraiser was still poking at his head, no need to further irritate her or she'd probably go dig up her penlight.
"Daniel Jackson, do you require assistance?" Teal'c asked as Daniel climbed up the ladder to his bed carefully.
"No thanks, Teal'c."
"Then I will retire once again."
"Me too," Cassie added, too tired to tease Jack and Sam or even shoot them a smirk. That would have to wait till morning. They both left.
Once Janet had satisfied herself that Jack didn't give himself a concussion, she said, "You'll have a nasty bruise, Colonel, but your hair should hide most of it. Let me get you some mild painkillers so you can sleep; I'll be right back."
"Yes ma'am," Jack mumbled sleepily, rubbing his face with his hand.
When Janet was gone, he glanced sideways at Carter. Daniel was snoring again already, this time louder than before. "You sure you want to sleep with that racket?"
"It doesn't bother me," she assured him. When they were in the field she was a light sleeper, but it was something she had to condition into herself early in her military career. She knew that the Colonel, because of all his black ops days, slept on a hair trigger all of the time, and this was supposed to be a little mini-vacation for all of them.
"Sorry I jumped into bed with you, Carter," Jack said with a grin, thinking to himself he never imagined uttering that phrase before. Not that he'd never jump into bed with her. He'd just never be sorry about it.
Janet rolled her eyes as she returned with a glass of water and some pain pills and overheard his apology. Sam blushed, said, "No harm done, sir," and shot Janet a look that told her she'd better not say a word.
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
Monday, same meeting.
"We all went straight to bed, sir," Sam said. Well, it was true. They had all gone straight to bed, it had just taken them a while to sort out which bed they were all supposed to be in. Everyone chorused their agreements much louder than necessary.
"Okay, people, let's take a break for a few minutes. It sounds like we should get Dr. Fraiser in here as well," Hammond said, getting to his feet to summon his CMO.