A/N: So, this chapter ends this particular story, but I've got several basic ideas for situations for all of our characters to find themselves in scribbled down on a notecard somewhere. My plan for this thing is to turn it into a series of similar but separate incidents. Thanks for reading as always, I'm glad this (hopefully) made you laugh. It was a nice fun break for me from my other series.
Ch 4: A Tale of Two Thongs
Saturday morning, lake of undisclosed location
Magnets. That's what it was. It had to be. Everything was really about magnets when you thought about it. Jack stopped, assessed his own thought, and wrinkled his nose as though he had smelt something terrible. Okay, maybe everything wasn't about magnets. But it was an easy, all-purpose explanation.
Saturday morning at the lake was proving to be very boring. He had been up for hours, and everyone else was still asleep. So, he had decided to make himself useful and check on the boat. According to Janet, it hadn't been in the water in some time, so Jack figured the motor probably needed some work.
It was hot outside already, and he was sweating even though it wasn't quite ten yet. On the plus side, since they were only there for the weekend if they had to take the boat in for repairs by the time they got it back they'd have to leave. He was confident he could fix it, once he figured out specifically what was wrong. While he worked, he thought about magnets. Specifically how they applied to his relationship with Carter. Hey, it made sense in his own head.
In the field he and Carter worked together perfectly. Perfect synchrony that only develops, if you're lucky, after years of a CO working with the same 2IC. No problems whatsoever. Since most of their downtime was spent on the base, that carried over most of the time to their 'personal lives,' although Jack was pretty sure the idea of an officer having a 'personal' life was just a myth at this point. Where did the magnets come in, exactly?
Right. Magnets. On very rare occasions he and Carter turned into magnets and just could not stop bumping into each other, literally and figuratively. Apparently this whole weekend was going to be like that. It was awkward, but it was funny. He had adopted a 'what can you do?' attitude and shrugged and laughed it off now, and most of the time she did the same thing. Already this weekend he had accidentally grabbed her ass and jumped into bed with her. Two such horrifyingly funny collisions in one night had Jack convinced that this entire weekend was going to be like that. And he was sure it was all related to magnets somehow.
That meant it wasn't their fault. It was probably something to do with the rotation of the earth and... geomagnetic... somethings... which all made it impossible for him to stop bumping into his 2IC. Sometimes it was the exact opposite, like the flip end of magnetism, where the two parts repelled each other no matter what. They had hit a few of those patches over the years too but it had been a long time since the last one. Given the choice, Jack much preferred being succumbed to the magnetic forces that drew him to his 2IC rather than pushed them away from each other.
"Sir, you're busy this morning."
See? Magnets.
Jack looked up to see her squinting at him from the dock. It was sunny out, even with his sunglasses and cap on. "Yeah, well, someone had to make sure we could actually get out on the water this weekend, while the rest of you lazy campers slept in."
"Yeah, the house is still dead. Can I help?"
"Sure, hop on." He gave her a hand into the boat even though he knew she didn't really need it. She smelled like sun block already.
"I didn't know you knew anything about boat motors, Carter."
"Well, I don't," she admitted as she peered into the gutted interior of the disassembled device. "But it shouldn't be too hard to figure out. Especially compared to being asked to backwards engineer Goa'uld crystal-based technology... or the Stargate for that matter. This should be a piece of cake."
"Cake! Did we bring any cake?" Jack asked hopefully.
She looked at him funny and smiled, shaking her head. "I don't think we brought cake, sir. And I really don't think Janet would let you eat it for breakfast."
"Yeah, probably..."
"Oh, wait, I think I see the problem..."
They both reached for the same tool at the same time and knocked it over the side of the boat. It hit the water with a mockingly loud plunkplop and was gone before they could do anything but stare at the spot where it had been moments before.
Jack muttered something under his breath and squeezed past Sam to get to the toolbox for another wrench.
"What was that, sir?"
"Nothing, Carter. Just thinking about magnets."
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
Monday, briefing room
"Uh, let's see, the next morning I fixed the boat while everyone slept late," Jack said, leaning back in his chair and crossing his ankles under the desk. He was still surveying his team periodically, trying to figure out which one had kicked him. It had felt like Teal'c, but he would never... would he? Nah.
"Excuse me, sir, you fixed the boat?" Sam interrupted.
"Well... I was fixing it by myself for a while and then Carter assisted me with the finishing touches."
"Sir, with all due respect, I am the one who fixed that motor. We'd still be sitting on a boat tied to the dock with the motor in two pieces if I hadn't..."
"Actually," Janet interrupted, seeing that they were both gearing up for an argument that would ultimately never be resolved, and also seeing that Hammond was just sitting back and watching them carefully. "You wouldn't be sitting on a boat, because we found you both in the water."
"Indeed," Teal'c supplied.
"Care to elaborate, doctor?" Hammond asked, although his tone clearly indicated that Dr. Fraiser's response was not optional.
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
Saturday morning. Kitchen window, strategically placed to provide view of dock but still within arm's reach of coffee pot. Lake house at undisclosed location.
"Ten bucks says she hits him with the wrench," Daniel offered, joining Janet at the window as each doctor desperately clutched their respective coffee mugs.
Janet watched Jack and Sam thoughtfully for a few seconds. Although they were too far away to be heard, their body language and Sam's overly-dramatic sweeping arm gestures clearly indicated that they were arguing over how to fix whatever was wrong with the boat. "I'm going to go with 'poking him in the torso with the screwdriver,'" Janet decided.
"Ooh, good one. I didn't think of that."
They sipped their coffee and watched as the argument on the boat quickly turned into a fight for control of the busted motor. It only took a few minutes for the struggle to send them over the edge of the boat.
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
Monday. Briefing room, now ironically named because Daniel Jackson was speaking and he was never really 'brief' about anything.
"They tumbled over the side of the boat, meeting the same fate as the wrench they had displaced earlier that was now forever lost to Davey Jones' locker..."
"Daniel, forcryinoutloud, this isn't Moby Dick!" Jack said, irritated. "Just say 'we fell in' like any normal person and get on with it."
Daniel rolled his eyes and said, as if he were auditioning for a role on Sesame Street, "Fine. Jack and Sam fell in the lake."
"First of all, I would like to emphasize that I did not fall in the lake. I was pushed," Sam insisted, looking at Jack pointedly in case there was anybody in the room who wasn't sure whom she was accusing of doing said pushing.
"Actually, General, she was not pushed. I was pulled." Jack countered.
Daniel groaned and Janet let out a noise that was very similar to a growl. Even Teal'c looked mildly annoyed. They had already heard the 'I was pushed/I was pulled' debate several times since the incident, and didn't want to go into it again. Luckily, neither did General Hammond.
"Whatever the case may be, you both... went... in the lake. Please, continue."
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
Saturday, slightly chilly lakeat undisclosed location
Sam tossed her sandal onto the dock ahead of herself and climbed up the ladder, looking around. She was dripping wet and standing in her CO's way but she had other concerns.
"Carter, move!"
"I'm looking for my thong, I can't find it!"
He stared at her blankly, confused as to why she was scanning the surface of the water for what she had apparently lost. She had her shorts on still, how could she have lost her thong?
Sam finally noticed that he was staring at her soaked denim shorts and said, "God, Colonel, not that type of thong! My SHOE!" She grabbed the one she had salvaged and held it up as a visual aid, resisting the urge (barely) to smack him in the head with it.
"Ohhhhhhhh," Jack said slowly. "I wondered why you needed new underpants for this trip."
"Excuse me, sir?"
"Daniel, he said you took Cassie shopping and got... never mind. Misunderstanding. And ah... you've lost one of your... thongs?"
Now blushing because every time he said it she would now know he was thinking about her underwear, she said, "Yeah, they should float though, at least for a little while, but I don't see it anywhere, do you?"
"No, what's it look like?"
This time she was unable to resist the urge. She swatted him with the sandal in her hand and said, "Remarkably like this one, sir, only it faces the opposite direction."
"Okay..." He too looked around but said, "I don't see it."
"Crap, those didn't last long."
"Did you bring some other shoes?"
"Yeah but these were really comfortable..."
Janet stuck her head out the back door and yelled at them to come get dried off because breakfast was ready.
"Yes, MOM!" Jack called back, earning him a scowl from Janet that he swore he could feel all the way down on the dock.
"Sorry about your thong, Carter," Jack said with a grin as they squelched their way back up to the house. He was still holding the one they had left in his hand.
"I guess it's not completely your fault, sir," she acknowledged as Daniel and Janet passed them beach towels through the back door.
"Stop arguing and come eat before the eggs get cold," Janet insisted, pulling them inside.
"Who put her in charge?" Jack asked as he scrubbed at his hair with the towel.
"It is her house," Daniel pointed out.
"Oh, stop sucking up, Spacemonkey."
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
Monday morning, briefing room
"So where exactly does Colonel O'Neill 'ruining' one thong and finding another one in his bag this morning fit in?" Hammond asked. He was starting to get a headache from this whole thing. You ask a simple question, you get a circus in your briefing room fighting over 'what really happened...' and Hammond wasn't born yesterday. He knew damn well the version they were all agreeing on wasn't the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. That was a-okay by his standards. He just needed enough detail to be able to explain if and when he was ever questioned.
"We're getting to that part, sir," Carter assured him. "After I fixed the boat..."
Jack cleared his throat but she just continued speaking, slightly louder than before.
"After I fixed the boat we went water skiing."
"And Jack threw a fit because Janet wouldn't let him ski because it's bad for his knees," Daniel supplied with an innocent smile in Jack's direction.
Jack scowled at him and said, "Yeah, you weren't smiling when I threw you off the tube, were you?"
Hammond interrupted again. "People, I don't need every detail of your trip."
"Sorry, sir," Jack said quietly.
"We spent the day on the lake, sir," Carter told him succinctly. "Water skiing and tubing."
"And nothing... questionable... happened then?"
This time, Hammond was surprised when everyone looked at Janet, who was blushing like mad and looking down at the shiny surface of the table in front of her. "Doctor?" he prompted.
"There was a... swimsuit... malfunction, sir, but it was quickly resolved," Janet said evasively.
"What exactly does 'swimsuit malfunction' mean?"
"It means Daniel and Teal'c got an eyeful, sir," Jack said, winking at the General.
Hammond fixed him with a stern look and finally shook his head. "Again, let's just... stick to the things I really need to hear about, please."
"You did ask," Jack muttered.
Carter changed the subject, trying to get the attention off of Janet. "When we came back to the house, sir, everyone was pretty drained from the day. We rested for a while, and while we cooked dinner, the Colonel..."
"HA!" Jack and Daniel exclaimed at the same time.
Sam narrowed her eyes and said, "All right, while Teal'c and Janet cooked dinner and I... assisted... Colonel O'Neill and Cassie went out on the dock to fish for a bit."
"And I caught Carter's lost thong."
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
Saturday evening, lake house kitchen.
Sam, Janet, and Teal'c all stopped their various tasks and glanced out the window. Jack and Cassie were yelling about something and laughing. "CARTER GET YOUR SUPER-SMART SELF OUT HERE!"
Sam put down the stack of plates she was holding and headed outside, wondering what the commotion was about. "Jack caught your sandal!" Cassie told her, still laughing. She pointed to the shoe, where it lay halfway between the dock and the house.
"Wow, thanks, Colonel," Sam said happily, hurrying out to pick it up.
"No problem, Carter," he said casually.
As soon as she bent down to pick it up, it skittered away from her. She reached for it again, and again it was jerked out of her fingers. Standing up with her hands on her hips, she glared at Cassie and Jack, who were laughing hysterically. The sandal was still attached to the hook on the end of Jack's fishing pole. Every time she almost had it, he jerked it away, dangling the shoe in the air. Finally, he acted like he was going to cast it back into the water.
"Colonel!"
"Okay, okay. Truce. Go on, take it."
Glaring, she reached for it again and sure enough, he jerked it out of the way once more. Changing tactics, she decided to try to get control of the rod and reel rather than going after the shoe. He ran around the yard backwards, taunting her with the shoe dangling between them, until the back door was thrown open and Janet, flanked by Daniel and Teal'c, called, "Both of you stop right now!"
Jack and Sam looked at her, confused. "Geez, relax, Mom, we were just goofing off," Jack said in an aw-shucks tone of voice he had perfected by the age of five.
"There's a disgusting fish hook in that shoe, someone is going to get hurt and I don't want to have to listen to you whine about getting a tetanus shot, Colonel," Janet said firmly.
"Okay, fine," Jack grumbled, reeling the shoe in and removing it from the hook.
At this point it was so badly damaged nobody would ever be able to wear it again. One of the straps was completely broken, it was waterlogged, and full of holes from the hook tearing into it. But that didn't mean they couldn't keep up their game.
Flashing a grin at Sam, he called, "Daniel, heads up!" and tossed it to him.
Normally, Daniel would be inclined to take Sam's side, but for some reason he decided he wanted to play too. He tossed the shoe to Teal'c, who stared at it calmly.
Certain that her buddy Teal'c would be far too mature to play such a ridiculous game, Sam smiled sweetly at him and said, "Teal'c, may I please have my shoe back now?"
"Of course, Major Carter," Teal'c said, bowing his head slightly. Then, his expression never changing beyond the sudden twinkle in his eye, he said loudly, "If you can catch it!" and tossed the shoe back to Jack.
Cassie and Janet tried to help Sam in the keep-away game that ensued but they were both giggling too hard to really be much help.
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
Monday morning yet again. Still, shockingly, in the briefing room
"When Sam finally caught Jack and made a grab for the shoe he threw it back in the lake," Daniel narrated.
"And then went in after it," Janet added.
"Not voluntarily," Jack clarified, looking at Sam pointedly.
Sam gave Hammond an innocent 'Who, me sir? Surely not!' look and swivelled slightly in her chair. She caught her CO giving her a look that very plainly said, 'I'm still going to get you for that one,' she swallowed and turned her attention back to Hammond.
Hammond blinked very slowly. Sometimes it was impossible to believe that these four people had worked together for so long without killing each other. They really were a family. He liked to think of the SGC in general as being a big family, but SG1 was an even more closely-knit group.
They acted like they wanted to kill each other sometimes, but they'd kill for each other any second of the day. He'd never understand how a former first prime, a theoretical astrophysicist who could also handle a P90, an allergy-plagued archaeologist, and a cynical Colonel he had been warned had two basic moods: surly and surlier, had combined to form the best team he could ever hope to have. But somehow they had.
And in some very strange way that Dr. MacKenzie would probably have serious issues with, Hammond knew that their weekend was somehow vital to that. These people had to be able to have fun and be goofy together or they'd go insane.
Whether or not Hammond could balance their sanity-saving antics against his own mental stability was another matter entirely. He was positive if he wasn't already bald, he would have been after six months of trying to keep SG1 under control.
Satisfied that he had enough to stop the rumors and explain the situation if he needed to again, he finally said, "All right everyone. I appreciate your patience in clearing this misunderstanding up. Major, Colonel, in the future please be a little more careful about where you have personal conversations, and how they might sound to officers who don't know the context. It's as much for your own well-being as my patience and time."
"Yes, sir," they both said quickly. Sam was relieved. That had gone a lot faster and smoother than she had thought it would.
"Dismissed," Hammond said to the room as a whole, getting to his feet.
After he left, there were a few moments where everyone looked at everyone else. Then they all burst into laughter at the same time. Hammond stuck his head back in the room and they clammed up immediately. Without saying anything, he left again. SG1 muffled their laughter and went back to work.
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
Tuesday morning, locker room.
Sam and Daniel entered the locker room to change into their BDUs. "Today feels like a blue day to me, what do you think?" Sam asked.
"Yeah, Jack's already wearing blue," Daniel confirmed as he opened his locker.
Sam opened hers and shrieked and jumped out of the way as a mountain of multicolored thong panties, along with a new pair of thong sandals, all fell out of her locker, cascading to the floor around her.
"And that, Teal'c, is called 'Keeping Carter on her toes,'" Jack whispered from their strategically hidden spot around the corner of the next row of lockers.
"Indeed," Teal'c agreed quietly.
"Daniel, he's around that corner," Carter whispered, shoving two handfuls of panties into Daniel's hands. His eyes widened.
"Sam, I don't want to touch your underwear!"
"It's not like I've worn them, Daniel, grow up! Come on, they make good slingshots. You sneak around this way and I'll go that way."
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
"Um, General, sir, there's a situation in the locker room you might want to take a look at," one of the Airmen who monitored the security cameras informed General Hammond.
Hammond would have dearly loved to be able to say, "Actually, whatever's happening in there I'd really rather not know about, Sergeant," but unfortunately that wasn't really an option. He glanced at the screen the Sergeant indicated and did a double take. His flagship team was shooting underwear at each other, ducking behind the rows of lockers.
Hurrying down to the locker room, he threw open the doors and bellowed, "SG1, FREEZE!"
To be fair, they did all freeze, but not before Daniel had shot off one last thong.
It sailed across the room as if in slow motion, landing gently to rest on top of General Hammond's bald, shiny head. He removed the item, holding it pinched between his thumb and forefinger and examining it. "I suppose one of you is going to tell me this isn't what it looks like either?"
The end.