Chapter 52

Sunshine and Smiles

When Gil woke up from the best sleep he'd had in years, sunlight had already long since poured into the room, everything was bright, and fresh, and even though he was familiar with Sara's bedroom now, everything seemed brand new, as if he'd opened his eyes for the very first time.

He was stretched out on his back, and he turned his head slightly to see Sara sitting there, elbow propped on the pillows, cheek in hand. She was watching him so intently, as he realised she probably had been doing for some time now.

It had been a long time since he'd seen Sara smile in the way she was smiling now, it was so stretched from ear to ear and bordering almost on completely goofy that Gil had to give a soft laugh to see it.

"Morning," he yawned, he stretched a little, the bed sheets felt cool and soothing against his warm skin.

"Morning," Sara responded softly, she lay her arm on the pillow and rest her cheek against it, eyes never leaving his.

Neither of them said anything for several minutes, they just lay looking at each other, Sara just seemed so completely fascinated by him and he just couldn't help but be lost in her beauty, bathed in the natural light of morning.

Sara grinned again, it seemed to take years off her age, reminding him of her younger self back when he'd first met her all those years ago.

Gil tried not to laugh, he wasn't sure if it was at Sara's goofy grin or at the absurdity that he was lying in bed with her completely naked, after having had the best sex he'd ever had in his fifty years on the planet. It wasn't that the latter was hilarious, but this kind of thing was just so completely unlike him, and his heart was so light that he couldn't help but be touched by laughter inside. It broke free.

"What's funny?" Sara asked curiously.

"I don't know…everything," Gil shook his head at himself, he stared up to the ceiling absently, "the way you're smiling – like you slept with a coat-hanger in your mouth…the fact that I'm here in your bed…the fact that…last night was…just…" he couldn't even find words to describe it.

"Last night was…" she trailed off, "I can't even find a way to say it, it was just…wow."

He smirked, "yes, it was…"

Sara lay there, still watching him, "you never cease to surprise me," she admitted.

"How so?" he scratched his head absently.

"You're so shy, and then…wow…" she shook her head, still in disbelief at the events of the night before, "I always thought if we were ever going to get to this point, it'd be because I had to initiate it…but…you just…really took control of the whole thing…"

He raised an eyebrow.

"You pinned me down…you literally had me pinned, I couldn't move at all!" she said with a laugh, "do you know…incredibly…" she faltered, trying to find the words, her eyes were laughing, "overassertive you were?" she asked.

"I wasn't overassertive," he made a face.

"Yes you were," Sara grinned, "and I'm still blown away by that," she leaned over to kiss his chin.

Gil laughed, "you know, I always thought when we…got to this point," he used her term, "that it'd be the other way around, that you'd be the – as you put it – 'overassertive' one."

Sara grinned, "usually I am. I don't know if it's being with you that just made me completely weak…" she slid over to lay against him, beneath the covers he felt the warmth of her bare skin against him.

She lay her head against his shoulder, and placed her hand on his chest, fingers dancing absently across his skin.

Gil gazed down at her hand, something caught his eye on the underside of her wrist. "What the…" he mumbled to himself, he took hold of her hand and raised it up to the light so he could examine the wrist more easily.

Is…that what I think it is? He thought.

He felt horrified immediately as he recognized what the mark on her wrist was. He sat up instantly, which threw her more or less off him, "did I do that?" he asked, his voice high, immediately full of concern.

"Huh?" she asked, totally confused as to why he'd thrown her off at all.

"Your wrist…there's bruising…" he could feel his heart beginning race, and his breath beginning to catch in his throat.

Sara shrugged, "so?"

"So I bruised you…I bruised you…I left marks on you…" he was trying to remain calm, but was failing miserably. He didn't understand how he could have held her wrist so tightly to bruise her without even realizing his own strength.

"It doesn't hurt," Sara touched the bruises nonchalantly.

"That's not the point…" Gil put his hands to his face, "Oh my god, I don't believe this…" his breathing becoming faster still. His blood ran cold, his lips trembled, he was shaking.

I hurt her…I hurt her so much it bruised…

"Don't you dare freak out," Sara came up behind him, she held his shoulders, "come on, it's not that big a deal, so you bruised me. I scratched you with my nails right on your back when you were on me," she confessed, "injuries happen. It wasn't like they were meant."

"No, you don't get this," he said, his sentence breaking as he tried to catch his breath, "I hurt the only person I love! Unintentionally!" he hunched over, it was becoming more and more difficult to breathe.

Sara massaged his shoulders, "deep breaths," she instructed.

He tried to breathe deeply, but it seemed so impossible when he'd just discovered he'd left marks on her. He'd seen those same marks all the time on women throughout his career, most of them lying dead on a slab in the morgue. Victims of domestic abuse, victims of rape, women who's been held down so tightly they couldn't move.

Just like he'd held Sara last night.

Could I have misinterpreted the whole thing? I thought I saw pleasure on her face…Did she like it though? Did she really, or am I just…imagining she liked it because I wanted her to, because it was a sick little fantasy I've had ever since she asked me to pin her down to demonstrate a theory during a case? Was it possible she was scared? Would she have told me if she was? Would she have struggled if she was?

He felt Sara embrace him from behind, pulling him up so that he straightened his position. "Deep slow breaths," she murmured near his ear

He tried to gain control of his breathing, the room felt like it might be spinning around him, his face was tingling, and his hands were growing cold and numb, he couldn't bend his fingers.

Logically he knew what was happening. The words anxiety attack flashed through his mind in dangerous red letters. At the same time, he felt like he might die from this, as illogical as he knew it was. He felt weakened, and his body was trying to slump forward against his will, whilst Sara held him back so he was straightened, her arms gripping around his shoulders strong enough to keep him supported, but loose enough to not restrict his breathing.

Sara pressed her whole body against his back, "breathe in, and out," she said softly. "Come on…you didn't mean it, it didn't hurt, and everything is fine…"

He could feel her body swell behind him as she breathed, he tried to desperately match her rhythm.

"In…out…in…out," she commanded him to breathe, she was breathing slowly with him,

It slowly started to pass, Gil the tension beginning to release slowly, his hands were tingling at first, and slowly, beginning to gain some feeling. Sara leaned back into the pillows, pulling him back with her so he lay against her, he felt her bare thighs against waist, her ankles brushing his thighs. She was stroking his hair now, soothingly.

"You okay?" she murmured finally, once his breathing had slowed enough for him to relax against her.

"No…" he murmured. "How can I be okay…?" he asked in a hollow tone.

"Gil, this is not that big of a deal…"

"Not to you, but it is to me," he got up, "Listen, I need to go…"

"You're leaving?" Sara asked, she watched him slide to the edge of the bed, trying to remain as covered as possible, he grabbed his underwear and somehow without even getting up out from under the covers, he pulled them on, he then stood and stepped into his jeans, grabbed his shirt, and pulled it on.

"I gotta go," he said, "I just…I have to…"

"Oh…" Sara looked confused and hurt.

He saw that look in her face and felt the guilt teeming through him, "it's not you, okay?" he asked softly, "it's me…I just…I need some time alone…"

"Okay…" she drew her breath, "I…I'll see you at work?"

"Of course," he nodded, he leaned down to kiss her forehead before leaving her alone. His mind a whirling chaos of confusion. Questions he'd never asked himself beginning to pop into his mind.

Am I violent? If I left bruises on her…I must be…

Okay, so the chapter name was deceptive...and I'll probably get flamed now for ruining the romance so quickly. When inspiration takes you though, you have to write it...

Anyway, thanks to the following people for reviewing :)

c.roy, Tracy, CookieK2, MissAmanda, wandaa, CSIfreak92, Samantha, Oneillite, kristy87, Ambientl Flames, jtbwriter, sarahmakinson, luckyladyinlace, Aidrianna, Niebezpiczny Ksiezyc, Wishing on the Moon, XakliaAeryn, lunar47, Woody27, Erlina Silverstra

I think thats you all, if I've missed anyone out I'm sorry :P

SS