Chapter 68

Calm

The words had pierced him, stabbed at his soul with an invisible knife. And for all that he felt inside, he remained surprisingly calm after he'd long since hung up the phone after advising his uncle Herb that he'd be there as soon as he could.

For all the urgency the situation presented, he sat for almost an hour on the living room floor, not moving, not letting out a sound, unable to feel anything other than lost. Shock gripped him and kept him there.

When finally, he'd managed to pull himself together enough to go to the bedroom, he could feel himself shaking, and he had to stand in the doorway for several moments to try and tell himself not to panic. He kept his breathing controlled and even, tried to maintain a rhythmic heartbeat. He tried not to think of the emotional stress already building up within him after having heard his mother had passed away.

When Gil felt able enough, he moved to the bed and sat down on the side by Sara, who was lying stretched out over the entire bed, flat on her stomach, half her face buried in the pillows. With a heavy hearted sigh, he watched her for several moments.

Sara seemed so peaceful that it seemed wrong to want to wake her for any reason – not even his own problems. But he couldn't dally anymore. He'd spent an hour sitting in silence not doing anything, when there was so much to be planned, so much to do, and so much still to feel.

He reached out, placed his hand on her back and shook her, "Sara…"

Sara stirred slightly, shifting her position and stretching, intent on continuing with the much needed rest.

"Sara…" Gil said again, a little more firmly, he tried not to let his emotion put a bite in his tone. He shook her again, harder this time.

Sara gave a groan of exhaustion, "what time is it?"

"Two o'clock," Gil answered softly.

"It's still early," Sara grumbled, pulling the covers over her shoulder and snuggling down beneath them, her eyes still closed.

"Sara…wake up, we need to talk…" Gil drew his breath.

Sara's eyes fluttered open, "what is it?" she asked wearily.

"Something has come up…" he sighed. It occurred to him right at that moment that he couldn't tell her why he had to go, it was too much for her to know. He knew she'd see him differently. He didn't want her sympathy, didn't want her worrying. He didn't want her concerned for him when she had her own problems to contend with.

Sara leaned up, her hair hung in messy waves around her face, "what?"

"I need to go away…for a while, I don't know how long for, week maybe...maybe less…" he chewed the inside of his cheek, staring away into space.

"Why...?" Sara asked, her voice full of immediate suspicion.

"Something came up…" he explained, "I…can't really go into it at the moment…" he added. "I can't be here for you right now…as much as I want to be…I can't…" he felt so much guilt begin to build within him. He'd told her he'd be there for her, and now…here he was, having to abandon her, having to tell her everything he'd promised would have to be forgone for now.

Sara sat up straight, "is this about a seminar?"

"No…it's not about a seminar," he sighed, "it's just…something important. I have to be there…it's something I can't get out of…"

"Are you…changing your mind about us? Is this your way of saying you don't want to be with me because I drink too much…that you don't want to—" Sara started to immediately jump to conclusions.

"No…God, no," he looked at her, tried to hide every ounce of emotion from her. He didn't want her to panic, he didn't want her to worry – not over him. She needed to worry about herself. "It's just…something I have to do…" he brushed her hair back from her face affectionately, "you can still stay here the week…and I'll call as much as I can."

"Oh…" Sara trailed off, "But…I…don't get it, didn't you say that we're supposed to be learning to trust each other…and…you're…not telling me something."

"Sara, believe me…it's better that you just…don't know…" he stood up, "I have to go call Catherine, tell her I'm going to be out of town…"

"Okay…" Sara trailed off, she still seemed confused. It was obvious by the look on her face she didn't understand this at all, and was caught in between feeling angry and hurt that after this mornings incident, he'd want to suddenly bail out.

Gil closed his bedroom door, he picked up the cordless phone, and stepped into the utility room, he shut the door quietly. He didn't want Sara to overhear even from two rooms away.

He dialed Catherine's home number, and waited impatiently, his heart was pounding in his chest now, and he was shaking again, this time a little more than before.

"Hello?" Catherine's impatient tone came, and he suddenly remembered she had caller I.D. on her phone. She already knew it was him.

"Cath…" Gil sighed, "I need a favour…"

"Hi to you too, Grissom," Catherine uttered.

"Cath…something's come up…" he swallowed back the emotion that was beginning to rise in him, he could hear it in his own voice, his tone was thick with it, he didn't sound like himself anymore.

Catherine paused, "why do you sound so…I don't know…strange…?" she asked.

"Cath, I have to go to California…I don't know how long for…possibly a week…I need someone to take over for me while I'm away…"

"Gil…" Catherine trailed off, "are you okay?"

"Yeah, I just…I got a phone call…family member passed away, have to go, uh, help arrange a funeral."

"Your mother?" Catherine asked softly.

Gil frowned, how did she always manage to know these things? He gave another sigh, "yeah, Cath. My mother…" he sucked in a breath, "physical therapist found her in the bed…said looked like she passed away peacefully."

"Oh God, Gil…I'm so sorry…"

"Don't be…I don't…I don't need sympathy…I just need someone to run graveyard for as long as I'm away…it doesn't even matter if the paperwork piles up to the ceiling and I end up with a backlog to come home to…I just need you to do this for me…"

Catherine faltered, "I…yeah…I can do that…"

"Thanks, Cath…" Gil stared out of the window, not seeing outside at all but rather the blur of the street as everything came together out of focus. "It means…so much."

"Is there anything else I can do?" Catherine queried.

"No…that's…that's all I need," he swallowed again.

"Are you okay?" Catherine asked tenderly.

"I'm…fine. I feel…calm," he confessed. "I have to go…I have to pack…" he explained. "Please…please, don't tell anyone about this…"

"Of course I won't," Catherine said in an almost chiding way. "Have…you told Sara yet?"

"No…I'm not sure I should. There's some stuff going on she's dealing with…I don't want her worrying about me…"

"You're going to go through all this alone…?" Catherine trailed off.

"I have to. Sara's got her own problems. I have mines. I'm not going to add to her stress."

"Gil, by not sharing your problems, you're adding to them."

"I know…I know," Gil fell silent for a moment, "Cath…I'm sorry…about what I said…"

Catherine sighed, "Gil, I already forgot all about it," she replied, although he could tell this was a lie for his benefit. He wondered if he had not just told her about the death of his mother if she would be so accommodating. He smiled though ever so slightly though despite the thought.

"I have to go, Cath…I have…so much to do."

"Take care…and keep in touch…if you need someone to talk to…I'm here…I'm always here," Catherine admitted.

"I know…sometimes I just don't appreciate that enough…" he sighed, "Bye…" he murmured softly, and hung up.

Gil stood around in the utility room for several moments trying to get a grip of himself. He reminded himself of the panic attack he'd taken in bed after his first time with Sara, and that he didn't want to go through the same process again. He tried to focus on the way Sara had spoke to him in her smooth calming voice, telling him to breathe in and out. Soon, he was calming down again, calm enough to continue with what needed to be done.

He spent the next fifteen minutes in the utility room making calls to arrange his journey to Santa Monica, where his mother had lived. He called his uncle, advised when he'd be arriving, and then drew his breath and left the utility room.

When he returned to the bedroom, Sara was already getting dressed. She was in the process of sliding on a clean pair of jeans and buttoning them up when he came up behind her and put his arms around her, sighing into her bare shoulder.

"You okay?" Sara asked, she ran her fingers along his arms tenderly.

"I'm fine," He assured, although he didn't feel it. "I love you more than anything, you know that, right?"

Sara sighed, "then why can't you tell me what's going on?"

"Because I do love you," he answered. He kissed her neck softly, then moved away from her, pulling a suitcase out from under his bed.

"If you loved me, you'd just be…honest…with me," Sara responded, she pulled a dark green tanktop out of a bag she'd brought to his house the night before. She slipped it on, and turned towards him.

Gil had no argument for her. She was right, he should have been honest. But then, he was reminded that if she loved him, she would have been just as honest that morning when he'd asked her to admit she had a problem and she'd dallied about doing so.

No, don't tell her. She gets over emotional, she'll worry about me, and I don't need that. She doesn't need it either. She has too much to worry about.

He moved over towards her, took her in his arms and kissed her softly, just so she'd know how much he still loved her even though he couldn't tell her what was going wrong in his life right then. I just need to feel normal, like nothing is wrong. Like this is something I do every day. That's the only way I'll get through this.

Sara stepped back from the kiss to look at him, she cupped his face in her hands and brushed his cheeks with her thumbs, "what could be so bad that I wouldn't understand?" she asked.

"It's not that you wouldn't understand. I know you'd understand," he held her shoulders, "It's just you have your stuff to deal with. I have mines."
"You don't trust me?" Sara asked.

"Sara…if I didn't trust you, I wouldn't leave you here. You know that, you pointed it out yesterday…" he broke away from her, he had to get packed, he had to get everything done. "I have a drinks cabinet full of liquor. I'm not going to empty it all down the drain. I'm not even going to draw lines on the bottle with a permanent marker for later comparison to see if you've been drinking. I'm trusting you," he looked at her seriously. "I trust you that much."

Sara sat down on the edge of the bed, hands in her lap, "so what am I supposed to do for the next week while you're only God knows where."

"Feed my insects, keep my house fairly neat…" he shrugged, he was aware of how incredibly empty his voice sounded even to himself. He was unsure how Sara had failed to notice. "You'll find something to keep yourself amused."

"If you say so…but this place isn't going to be half as 'amusing' without you in it, Gil."

My computer got fixed (yay). Turned out it was a loose connection, don't ask me how that happened, but anyway, yeah, I'm back in full force for now.

Thanks to the following people for reviewing from 66 - 67 :)

CSIfreak92, Aidrianna, sarah makinson, Mystical Panther, Hope, saskia2, csishewolf, CrysWimmer, vsky, kristy87, Crystalwitch, jtbwriter, csibugman, Wishing on the Moon, elisacollette, LGraziano, sutton,

Hope I didn't forget anyone there, if I did I apologise - it's so hard to keep up. Please dont' stop reviewing though, I love getting reviews.

Notes to readers:

Wishing on the Moon: Thanks for the "chapter by chapter" review under chapter 66 - it was nice to read those thoughts.

jtbwriter: I know Sara was OOC. But at some point, every char has been OOC both in the show and the story. Life goes on, lol. Besides, it's fun.There'd be no fanfic if they weren't OOC, because if I kept them IC they'd never get together lol.

CSIfreak92: I will at some point get the resolve people want for the little side story with Warrick and Cath. Right now though, the main chars are- and always will be -Grissom and Sara...and I have to concentrate on their storyline for now (but I haven't forgotten about the Cath/Warrick thing. I just threw that in because I thought it was cute.

kristy87: As always, thanks for continuing to rush to be the first one to read and review, lol. It's always nice to get your reviews. You're my favourite "spoiler whore" :)

djkittycat: It's probably not so much "Scottish" as just generally "British" slang if at all,but since I'm apparently marred by my nationality , then thats the way I write. Can't help it, never will be able to, lol.

Ash