Chapter 99

So Much

The shift was hard, and the case Gil was working on with Nick was tough, but the satisfaction of getting back to doing some real work left him leaving rather peaceful and serene. After processing much of the evidence for the case they were working on, he and Nick made their way to the break room for lunch, to find the rest of the team there already – sans Catherine, who was probably lunching in her office while dealing with much of the paperwork Gil was glad to avoid.

"Hey," Greg said cheerfully as Gil and Nick entered, "How're you enjoying your first day as Catherine's lackey."

"Surprisingly good," Gil grabbed a bottle of water from the small fridge and stood against the wall, he glanced over to Sara who glanced up at him and smiled gently before going back to doing the crossword in the daily newspaper. Then he stiffened, "hey, are you doing my crossword?"

"You're not the boss anymore, I'm not scared of you," Sara grinned, "besides, I'm only filling in the answers I know you won't get."

"Oh?" Gil asked, "such as?"

"Jennifer Aniston's character in 'Friends'," Sara raised an eyebrow, she tapped her pen absently on the table.

"Uh…" Gil trailed off, "uhm…"

"Yeah, exactly," with a smug expression, Sara filled in more of the crossword without waiting for Gil to respond again.

Gil sipped his coffee, "So…you steal my t-shirts, you claimed my side of the bed. You've got your eyes on my razors, and now you're confiscating my crosswords. Is anything sacred anymore?" he teased.

"Whoah, sounds like a minor domestic dispute starting," Nick joked, taking his lunch out of the fridge, "you two sound like a new married couple."

Sara and Gil glanced at each other, Sara looked slightly nervous and Gil couldn't help but let his thoughts fall back on the engagement ring again.

"Not quite," Gil managed, sipping his coffee again.

"Oh?" Nick asked, "No wedding bells on the horizon?"

Ouch. There's no way I can actually escape thinking about this, is there? Doesn't matter what I do, it always seems to come up whether I want it to or not.

Sara was silent for a moment, she looked away from everyone, pretending to be preoccupied with the crossword, "We're moving in together," Sara admitted in an absent way as she twirled the pen between her fingers.

"What about your apartment?" Warrick asked casually.

"My brother is going to be taking over my apartment," Sara explained, she lightened up a little and straightened her posture, "I'll move my furniture into Gil's, and some of Gil's old furniture can be donated to Andrew."

"She's confiscating your furniture too?" Warrick asked of Gil, "man, she has you whipped," he teased.

"It'll be her home too, she has some say in what happens," Gil smirked. Truthfully he didn't mind so much about the furniture. It was all just material possessions that honestly didn't mean all that much. Losing it would be a small price to pay for having Sara with him for the rest of his life.

"I never thought I'd see the day," Warrick shook his head and smirked.

"Wanna take a walk?" Gil asked of Sara, he took a sip of his coffee – which tasted particularly foul today – and then poured it down the sink.

Sara shrugged and got to her feet, she led the way out of the break room, and Gil followed her.

"You spoke to Andrew, then?" Gil asked, once they were out of earshot of everyone they knew.

Sara nodded, walking down the halls at his side, "Yeah. He was…uh…"

"Pissed?" Gil asked.

"You could say that. But…I told him there was nothing he could do to stop me. I'm a grown woman, I can make my own decisions, and I'm moving on with my life."

"What'd he say?"

"He said you'd ditch me," Sara rolled her eyes, "but…he kinda loosened up about the whole idea once I told him you were demoted. Said he's glad that at least you can't fire me after you're finished with me."

"His saying stuff like that is what makes me want to rip his arms off and beat him to death with them," Gil sighed.

"Look, he'll get over it. And if he doesn't, who cares?"

"Sara, we're moving in together, your brother will PROBABLY come around to what's now 'our house', and we'll need to be civil…"

"He can be civil if you can," Sara teased.

"And if we have a kid…?" he asked. He knew the question seemed incredibly premature, but he couldn't help it.

Sara stared at him, "uh…" her cheeks paled a little. Obviously the idea of children was a little unsettling for her at the moment.

"I know, I'm jumping the gun here. I'm just saying 'what if'. If we do, is he going to hate the kid because it happens to have my DNA?" Gil asked.

"No, of course not…" Sara shook her head, "but…lets not get ahead of ourselves, okay? Lets just…focus on getting my stuff moved in, getting the house redecorated…" she suggested.

"Okay," he nodded.

Sara shoved her hands in her pockets, walking along side him at a lazy pace until they ended up outside. The night air was refreshing, cool, and slightly damp. "If you want to keep your furniture, you can," she suddenly said.

"I want rid of it. I want your stuff in my house. Sorry, OUR house."

Sara chewed her lip, "I've never really lived with a guy. I lived with my brother, but…never a boyfriend."

Boyfriend? He thought, somewhat hurt. Surely I'm more than that by now. Damn it, we need to talk about this and we need to talk about this now…before I go crazy, before I lose my mind.

"After all this time, I'm still just your boyfriend, huh?" he asked softly, he tried to hide the sadness in his voice, but it was no use trying to hide anything from her. She always seemed to see through him these days.

"Gil, lets not get into that again," Sara sighed, she didn't seem as saddened by the situation as he did. This seemed to just hurt even more.

"Sara…" he took a hold of her arm as they walked together, "me and you both know that this is so much more than just a girlfriend and boyfriend relationship," he began, "I know how far I want to see this go. I want to see this go as far as it possibly can. Further than I ever thought I'd ever want to go with any woman. I can't get it out of my head, I can't stop thinking about it…"

"I'm sorry…" Sara kept her eyes on the ground as she walked, she stepped over the cracks in the paving.

"Just…don't say sorry," he turned her to him, "just…say that you love me…" he swallowed, "and that you want to ma—" he was about to add in the words 'marry me', but Sara interrupted before he even had the chance to finish.

"I do love you," Sara said forcefully, she stared at him as if in disbelief. "I love you so much I've changed my whole life for you," she reminded, "I love you so much that…" she trailed off as she took her hands out of her pockets and reached into the inside pocket of her jacket and pulled out a card, handing it to him.

Gil started at the card, it was a business card for a psychiatrist. "You're seeing a psychiatrist…" he finished for her.

"I called and scheduled an appointment," she answered, "I'll be going tomorrow afternoon at three," she explained. "And I'm going to go to AA meetings on my nights off. It means that we won't be hanging out together much on my nights off, but I figure you won't mind…" she looked at him. "I know it's going to be hard. I won't expect everything to miraculously get better over night because I know it doesn't quite work like that," she said all this very quickly without taking a breath, "but…I think this time…I'll be able to do it."

"Sara…" he said softly, his breath taken away.

"You have to be here, though, Gil. You can't get all distant. You can't get cut up about stupid little things, and if I fall off the wagon…"

"If you fall off the wagon…I'll pick you up and put you right back on again," he said, the words catching in his throat with emotion. "But…" he took in a breath, "when you fall off the wagon, you have to tell me. Even if you think I'll be disappointed or mad…you have to tell me."

"I will, baby, I will," Sara promised. "God, how can you not see how much I love you? I'd do all that out of love…and if I had to, I would give up my job, and everything I own, I'd even sell my soul to Satan for you…I love you that much…" she swallowed, her eyes welling up with tears that threatened to spill. "So…please…don't question my love for you anymore. Because even when you can't always see it, there's no way you could ever measure just how much I really do love you…how much I've always loved you…and how much I always will."

"I…" he found it impossible to find anything to respond with. Her words cut him deep. A love that physically hurt as well as charged him, "God, Sara…"

"Let's forget about it, okay?" she asked. She took a moment to force back the tears and somehow pulled herself together miraculously, "I'm moving in with you. We're starting fresh. Everything is going to be fine. I'm getting the help I need – the help I promised you I'd get. Everything is eventually going to get better, Gil."

He pulled her to him and hugged her fiercely, "I'm sorry I questioned your love," he whispered near her ear.

Sara's arms wrapped around him, "it's okay, baby. It's okay. Just…stop worrying," she pleaded. "Remember…what worries you masters you."

"God, I know," he sighed, "I wish it were that easy. I'm sick of worrying. But…I can't help it."

"I know," Sara moved back, she patted his cheek affectionately, "but you're going to have to try. Otherwise you'll drive me crazy and I'm going to have to rip your arms off and beat you to death with them," she used his line and smirked.

"In that case…I'm definitely going to have to get my worrying in check."

"Lets go back inside," she smiled.

He slung his arm around her shoulders as they walked into the building and along the halls with the people they worked with. For the first time, Gil wasn't worrying about who saw them or who would find out about their relationship.

So here we are 99. You know what that means, don't you?

"Finding Me" is nearly over. Thanks to those btw, who checked out the story I'm co-writing with Wishing on the Moon under the penname "sunrays and moonbeams". It means alot to me :)

Thanks to the reviewers who've kept my spirits high during the writing of this story, and big hi to the YTDAW people (you know who you are!) for recommending "Finding Me" :)

Ash