Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the song "The First Cut Is the Deepest" by Sheryl Crow
Summary: Courtney has a good thing going with Jax, but her feelings for Jason continue to haunt her. Courtney's POV.
The First Cut Is the Deepest:
I would have given you all of my heart
But there's someone who's torn it apart
And he's taken just all that I have
But if you want I'll try to love again
Baby, I'll try to love again but I know
Its funny how easily one can take things for granted. I mean take me for example, I have this handsome, hunky Australian at my beck and call, but it's not good enough, because he's not Jason. I spent so much time trying to free myself of my ex husband and his dangerous life and now I want nothing more than to retreat back into his Penthouse. It's pathetic. Jax is a great guy and shouldn't have to live in the shadow of another man, but I am unsure of how to shake that nagging voice in the back of my mind that tells me that he will never compare to Jason. If I had gotten to know Jax a few years ago, before I was ever Mrs. Jason Morgan, I'm sure that I would have fallen in love without a moment of hesitation. It's the "what if's" that torment me late at night. What if I met Jax before Jason? What if I never married Jason? What if I never truly love anyone ever again? I'm not going to say I regret any of the time I spent with Jason, because I don't. It just seems unfair that he can move on so easily and I cannot. I'm sure that it's my own fears that are holding me back, but I don't quite know how to quell them.
I watch Jax shift uncomfortably in the seat across the table. The silence has been lingering longer than he would like, but he seems unsure of how to snap me out of my dreary daydream.
"Dinner is very good, thank you." I offer, trying to save him the trouble of making small talk. If someone were to tell me a few months ago that I would be spending most of my time with Jasper Jacks and actually enjoying it, I would have told them that they were out of their mind. But here we are and I can't say that I'm bothered by it.
"You're welcome," he replies with a trademark grin. I give him one of my hugest smiles and the silence settles in again, only more comfortable this time. His hand slides across the table covering mine. It's a small gesture of comfort and I appreciate it more than he'll ever know. This whole relationship started off as bet, but the more time I spend with him the more feelings I invest and I know that he's doing the same thing. I told him once that Brenda really screwed him up, but what I didn't want to admit is that Jason screwed me the same way.
The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know the first cut is the deepest
But when it comes to being lucky he's cursed
When it comes to loving me he's worst
Jason's a great guy and what we had was probably the purest form of love, but it just wasn't enough. We had our share of rough times and obstacles that no couple should have to face. At the beginning the trials and tribulations made us stronger, but then as time wore on so did our relationship. The constant bickering mixed with his dangerous lifestyle eventually tore us down until we were in complete shambles. His inability to grieve for the miscarriage of our child sent me over the edge and although I know he wasn't meaning to be insensitive that's how it came across. It wasn't his fault that at the time I was a complete basket case, but it didn't stop me from blaming everything on him.
It burns to know that I still love him and he's engaged to another woman, a woman he cheated on me with. I tell everyone that I'm fine with the fact that he slept with Sam while we were still married, but deep down my heart aches from the betrayal. He was supposed to love me, but yet he sought comfort in the bed of another woman and that stings. I wonder if he never got Sam pregnant, would he have told me the truth. Probably not and I can't say I blame him. He must have thought that he got away with the perfect crime, sleeping with his best friend's "girlfriend" or whatever you want to call her. But then Sam finds out she's pregnant and the perfect crime is no longer perfect. But it is still a crime, a crime that I would love to see him punished for.
I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
But I'm sure gonna give you a try
'Cause if you want I'll try to love again (try to love again)
Baby, I'll try to love again but I know
"You alright, Courtney?" Jax thick accent is peppered with concern. I had almost forgotten that he was still there.
"Yep, I'm fine." I do my best to reassure him, but even I'm not buying my fake pep routine. He thumb draws a lazy line across the outside of my hand and I feel the corners of my mouth turn up into a small smile. His touch sends an electric jolt up my spine and I find myself enjoying it more and more. Deep in the back of my mind I know that the perfect revenge on Jason would be to become deeply involved with Jax and I think that is part of the reason I allow myself to feel for him, but there's more than that. When I'm with Jax there is no danger, but there is a light hearted nature. I'm sick of being depressed all the time and when I'm with Jax, my spirits are lifted. I think that's the other reason why I'm so attracted to him. Sure the surfer boy looks help as well as the massive amount of confidence he exudes. But underneath all that there is a sweetness that's enough to give a girl a tooth ache.
I know that despite my family connections, Jax likes me for me and isn't willing to let anyone push us around. Not like Jason, who walked on eggshells for fear of the great Sonny Corinthos. Jax simply doesn't care whether or not Carly and Sonny like him and it's refreshing to say the least. I like knowing that if push came to shove, he would always choose me over my brother, which is something that I was never sure about with Jason. For once, my life isn't shrouded in darkness and worry and I've never been happier. Sure, what me and Jax have may never compare with what my and Jason had, and I finally realized that I'm okay with that. Because it's what me and Jason had, past tense.
The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know, the first cut is the deepest
When it comes to being lucky he's cursed
When it comes to loving me he's worst
Jason Morgan may very well be the love of my life, but Jasper "Jax" Jacks is quietly competing with him. I'm not ready to say that what me and the hunky Australian share is true love, but it's definitely something that I'm willing to explore and by the look in his eyes I think he's feeling the same way. So what if we've been burned? It doesn't mean that we are both destined to live in solitude forever.
"You look like you've had an epiphany," he comments with a smirk.
"Maybe…" I tease.
"Care to share with the class?" His smirk is driving me wild.
"Not really."
"Fair enough…" He's voice is light and it brings an ease to our conversation. I watch him stand up from the table, offering his hand to me after dropping a few bills for the waitress.
"Where are we going?" I ask once we are outside of the PC Grille. His strong arm is wrapped comfortable around my waist and for the first time I'm not really bothered by his show of ownership.
"It's beautiful night. I was thinking we could enjoy it," his eyes are dancing and I laugh.
"How do you suppose we do that?"
"Oh I'm not sure, but we'll think of something." His eyes become increasingly more serious as he looks across the street. I follow his gaze and notice Jason and Sam walking the opposite way. I try to ignore the burn in the pit of my stomach as I reach up and turn Jax's face towards mine with one finger. He leans down and kisses me soft on the forehead in a show tenderness. Funny, I never knew Jasper "Jax" Jacks had a tender side, but then again I never knew Jason Morgan had a cheating side. Oh well, I guess you learn something new everyday.
"How about we go to the park and I'll let you buy me some ice cream." I offer trying steadfast to ignore the couple on the other side of the street.
"We just had dinner," he replied.
"But we didn't have desert."
"Well I was kind of hoping…" His statement tapers off when I slap him playfully in the arm.
"Don't even think about it." He gives me one more of his trademark grins and despite my best efforts; I feel my heart flutter slightly. The image of my ex husband and his new fiancée is quickly erased from my mind and replaced with a smirking Jax leaning to down to kiss me passionately on the lips. When we break apart, it's my turn to beam. Yeah, I could definitely get used to having my very own candy boy around.
The first cut is the deepest baby i know
The first cut is the deepest try to love again...