Disclaimer: I don't own anything. The characters belong to GH while the song "Broken" belongs to Seether and Amy Lee
Summary: Set during the time that Courtney moved into the room above Kelly's. My version of how they should have put Jason and Courtney back together. It's going to be told through split point of views. Enjoy
Broken:
Jason's POV
I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
I never really noticed how quiet the Penthouse is when you're not in it. Not that you are a particularly loud person, but your voice and laughter added something more to the silence that once saturated the rooms. God, it's only been a few weeks since you left, but it feels like years. I miss everything about our relationship, the good and the bad. How has everything turned to shit so quickly?
I saw the pain in your eyes everyday after the miscarriage, but I was powerless to ease it. I wanted to take the burden off of your shoulders and carry it on my own. We both knew that it was impossible though, because it was something that you wanted to handle yourself. The pain made you feel better about the loss, which is probably why you were so angry with me most of the time. I couldn't share in that pain, because you didn't think I could feel it. The truth is that I did. I felt every emotion possible, but it was easier to keep it to myself rather than cause you anymore stress. It sort of backfired, because my bottled up feelings ending up forcing more stress upon you.
I can remember the times when we were happy, like the time we spent at that casino in the islands. I won so much money, but it didn't matter because it wasn't money that I was betting on. I was betting on your happiness, winning was just a plus. I'll never forget how your high-pitched giggle would ring throughout the casino with every hand. It brought a smile to my face because I knew I was the one that was bringing you enjoyment. I don't smile much anymore. My face is set in a constant scowl because now I realize that I'm the one that's inflicting the tears that shine so brightly in your eyes.
I spare myself a glance at the picture gripped tightly in my hands. The edges are creased from it's home in my wallet, but I refuse to remove it from it's place behind my ATM card. The picture offers my hope for a future with you. The smile that graces your face gives me the strength to fight another day, because I hope that eventually you'll come back. All the anger and hurt aside, I always thought that we were destined to be together no matter how hard each of us try to push it away.
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
You're gone away; You don't feel me here anymore
I was always the guy who never needed anyone. I could get by without any human interaction. I didn't need love or the hurt that came along with it, but you changed that with one twinkle of your periwinkle eyes. You told me how you much you felt for me and barged right into my heart. You worked so stubbornly to defend our relationship to anyone who would listen and refused to go down without a fight. So, I slowly gave into the feelings I felt for you and look where it has left me. I'm alone and never been more numb in my entire life.
When you walked out, it was like my whole world stopped. I hate the fact that you wrecked me, but I hate even more that you had the power to do it. I've never let anyone have that control over me, because somehow I knew it would always end up this way. Me alone.
There is nothing I wouldn't give to have you back here with me, instead of above Kelly's with Brian. God, I hate the fact that he lives across the hall. I tell you to be careful, because he's a cop, but more than that I know he's a man who wants my wife. I'm aching with worry that someday you'll finally figure out that you deserve so much more than the life I have to offer and will ride off into the sunset with Sheriff Beck.
What's worst is that I can never voice my fears, because I'm not suppose to be so upset. No, I'm suppose to be the strong one that doesn't have any uncertainties about the end of our marriage. I tell Carly that everything is going to be fine, but now I am no longer sure. I see the haunting look in your eyes, like you don't even know me any longer. How can I expect you to understand me? I'm not even sure who I am anymore…
Courtney's POV
The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
I'm not quite sure what exactly I'm doing outside your door. I must be clinically insane, because there is no other plausible explanation for what I'm about to do. I was the one that walked. I was the one that said we were done, but here I am hoping like hell that it's not too late to get back what we once had. I've spent the last few nights, thinking about what exactly my life has become and this is what I've boiled it down to. I am a twenty four year old woman who has spent the better part of two years fighting for her "true love" only to walk away when things became to real. How pathetic is that?
Maybe the problem is that there is no longer any obstacles in our way. We don't have my dad or Sonny to defend our love to. We only have each other, which is clearly becoming a way harder battle. I can see the hurt in your eyes when you come into Kelly's. I know that you're trying to hide it for my sake, but you are forgetting how well I can read you. I don't want to acknowledge the fact that it's my fault that you look so worn out, but it is. I notice the worry that overtakes you normal confident stance when I'm with Brian. Never in my life did I ever think that I could make anyone jealous, never mind you. Instead of being proud of the feeling I evoke, I feel sickened with myself. I don't ever want you to feel hurt because of me, especially if it's something that can easily be remedied. I could never picture myself with anyone other than you, but things are so different that our relationship is barely recognizable anymore.
We used to know everything about one another, but it's as if this Pandora's box has been opened and things that I once believed are being disproved. I thought that there was nothing that our marriage couldn't withstand, but now I'm no longer sure. I do know that I'm not ready to give up, not yet. We could build on this to make our union stronger and that's exactly what I intend to do.
'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
For some reason, I cannot force myself to open the door. Max is throwing me confused glances, but I easily brush them off. I just need a few moments longer to get myself together. I feel so raw without any form of protection from you're reaction. That is what worries me the most. What if you have already decided to cut your losses and move on? I couldn't handle that. Hell, I can't even handle living in an apartment without you.
I would like to think that I am not as weak as I seem. However, when it's come to you, I am nowhere near brave. I just know that there is no longer anyway I can continue living like I am. I play it off that I am fine, but that's so far from the truth. I haven't slept well, because I you haunt me in my dreams. Reminding me of times when your touch was all I needed to get through the day. Brian tells me that the pain will inevitably fade and our marriage will become a distant "nightmare". I then told him in a few choice words that our marriage while not always blissful was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I am lonely though and not quite sure why. I spent almost my entire childhood alone and it never bothered me. But now, I can't handle it. I thank god for Carly's visits and even Sonny is a welcome presence in my cell, that's what my room is, a cell. My pride keeps me prisoner, but not for much longer because I am done spending my nights without your arms around me.
Jason's POV
'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
I hear a sharp knock ring through the dark and for a second I'm sure that my mind is playing tricks on me, but soon the pounding begins again. Forcing my weary body out of bed, I drag myself down stairs and to the door. It was probably Carly having one of her freak outs, which meant that he would have to ease her fears. That could easily take most of the night. Another knock and I'm beginning to lose my patience.
"Damn it, Carly! I'm coming," I call practically ripping the door off it's hinges. Instead of my best friend, I am faced with another blonde. She seems nervous about something as she pushes her hands deeper into the pockets of her blue jeans. Courtney's hair is pulled back in a messy ponytail that falls just below her shoulders. She looks chilly in her T-shirt. Strike that. My T-shirt. Not quite sure of the nature of her visit, but happy to see her all the same. I quickly usher her into the Penthouse. She begins to pace the length of the entranceway, but doesn't say anything.
"Everything ok?"
Courtney's POV
I'm not sure why his question catches me so off guard. I should have known that his first instinct is to worry. I look up into his shadowy blue eyes and nod, but can't force a verbal response. He seems to understand, though and takes a seat on the nearby sofa. I follow him and he wraps a comforting arm around my shoulders as I lay my head on his heart. I feel him recline back and let his hand rub soft circles on the exposed skin of my upper arm. He doesn't want an explanation and I don't offer one. We both know that words are beyond useless at this point, there is nothing that can be said that isn't already being conveyed in silence. And for once, I'm okay with the silence, because at least I'm not in it alone.
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
You're gone away; You don't feel me here anymore.
A/N: I know that I promised another chapter to Caught In A Jar within the week, but unfortunately I don't see that happening. I have a minor case of writers block as far as CIJ goes. I also want to be able to finish up Last Train Home in the near future, which means that's where most of my energy is going to be placed. Once LTH is done, you can expect Caught In A Jar to be updated more frequently.