River
She sighed as Simon admonished her, yet again, to tell him if she felt sick, or dizzy, or odd, or uncomfortable in any way from the new medications. It wasn't worth the effort to try to tell him that she was fine, that she knew who she was and where she was, and most of the time even why she was, she just couldn't make it come out right. Simple Simon, rescue the girl from the monsters and expect her to come out the same, pigtails and giggles and grins. Couldn't have been the same girl even without the monsters, years had passed, she was all grown up, hair up, long skirts, ready for society. Girls her age were married now sometimes, even had babies. Her gaze wandered to Kaylee, peering in the window, wishing Simon was fussing at her instead, wishing Simon was doing more than fussing with her… Her gaze softened as she listened, dreamily, to thoughts of things she'd never done, things she should have been doing, things normal girls were able to do. Flirting and flouncing and casting teasing glances or meaningful looks, dancing and touching and rubbing and… She looked away and grimaced, didn't want to think of Simon that way, he was her brother, ick.
"Not a toy, Simon." She stated firmly, hoping he would understand her, could understand her. Can't be put down and picked up just the same years later, can't be glued back together good as new. Always be different, broken pieces stuck together, but some of the pieces are lost and some are twisted and turned.
"I know you're not a toy River." He replied seriously, missing her meaning entirely. "I'm just trying to find the right medicine, I want you to be well again. I know you want to be like you were before, we just have to keep trying. And you need to help me by telling me-"
"I want to be a girl Simon, not the same old girl, a new girl, a girl made up of patches and pieces and all her own." So frustrated… she stuck her tongue out at him, jumped down from the table, and flounced out.
She was gone only a moment before her head reappeared around the corner of the door "and Kaylee wants you." She grinned and flitted off, hoping she'd at least helped someone on the ship to be happier.
She wandered into the cargo bay, still dreaming dreams of what it felt like to be a normal girl, a girl who could talk to boys, could play their games. Thinking of it made her want to move, to dance, and she was the crazy girl, no one would mind, so she began to dance there in the middle of the floor, spinning in circles and tracing patterns, dipping and rising and flowing like the river she was named for. If she moved enough, the air passed by her skin almost like a lover's touch, or so she imagined. No lovers for her yet, she who couldn't speak in sense and couldn't dance with a partner. She closed her eyes and felt the air and imagined it was something else, someone else, although there wasn't yet anyone she wanted it to be. She danced with her invisible imaginary partner, feeling his airy touch. She kissed nothing, fearing he was all she would ever kiss, and almost felt nothing kiss her in return, pressing hotly against her lips and bowing her backwards before drifting away, leaving her searching. Nothing's breezy hands floated up her legs, making her shiver and leap, before running lightly, coolly across her needy breasts. Please, she thought let it be real, let there be a nothing here for me. Nothing fled, however, leaving her dancing alone, aching and lonely, searching for signs of nothing's return. She danced as she imagined Kaylee would, as Zoë would, as Inara would, calling for her missing lover, showing him what was in her heart for him, what was in her need for him.
"Whatchu doin' girl?" The harsh voice startled her and she froze, staring. Staring at Jayne as he sat up from his weights, sweaty and muscled and the slightest bit afraid of her. She'd wanted that, wanted him to fear her, to recognize her as someone who could make choices, could punish him for bad behavior. In a way he was the only one on the ship who understood, who recognized that she could be in control, that she could make choices and do things because she had decided to. It was strange that the one who was least like her saw her best here, and she had wanted that, wanted him to see her. She watched his muscles shift as he set the weights down, and wondered if that was all she had wanted from him. It wasn't all he wanted from her, she could feel that clearly now in the sudden stillness of the ship. See the images of heat and white and red and sweat. This was interesting, this was new.
"Jayne's a girl's name. But Jayne ain't a girl." She spoke softly, almost gleefully, with a slight smile. Maybe Kaylee had taught her enough to be a real girl today. She moved towards him, confidently, but stealthily.