Disclaimer: I don't own anything. The characters belong to GH and the "One of These Days" belongs to Michelle Branch.

Summary: Set after the reunion episode. Courtney deals with the grief and pain the only way she can.

A/N: This one goes out to Nicole. I hope it was worth the wait.

One Of These Days:

I didn't notice
But I didn't care
I tried being honest
But that left me nowhere

Courtney Matthews packed up the last of her belongings. Today was an eye opener to say the least. It was exactly one year ago that she lost her baby girl and if she had to pin point it, probably the same time she lost her husband. She had been spending the last few months in quiet desperation as she used Jax to shield the pain. Just like tonight, she tried to use sex with Jax to mask all the hurt, but couldn't. She couldn't do that to him, because if nothing at all, he was a good friend. He refused to use her emotional state as a catalyst to get her into bed and she was grateful.

The scenes with Jason replayed through her mind. This whole day was exhausting both mentally and physically. She had opened herself up once again to her ex husband. It felt good at the time but devastating once she left the Penthouse. All the talking and pained expressions did nothing to lessen her guilt as well as the overwhelming ache in her heart.

She had to leave. It was the only reasonable scenario that her otherwise cluttered mind could deduce. It would be easier for everyone. Oh, whom was she kidding? The only person it would be easier for was herself. She needed this. She needed to get away from it all. Facing life in Port Charles was too hard and she didn't have any more fight left in her. People would call her a coward, a wimp. But what did she care? The one person in this whole town that mattered knew that it would come down to this. Jason knew it today at the docks even if he didn't voice. He could see the hurt that engulfed his ex wife and wondered quietly how much longer she could hold on for.

I watched the station
Saw the bus pulling through
And I don't mind saying
A part of me left with you

Jason entered the Port Charles Bus Communal in record speed. He had just come from Courtney's loft where she had left a small note saying, "She could handle no more". He had considered checking the airport first, but knew his ex wife and her irrational fear of flying alone. So here he was, searching the dank terminal trying to discern her face from the others in the crowd.

He caught sight of her long blonde hair pushing through one of the gates on the opposite side. If he ran at full speed he could catch her. If. God, he hated that word. Out of the large bay window he watched her boarding the bus. Even from a distance, he noticed the tears that stained her creamy white cheeks. There was nothing he could do to stop her. Happiness was a luxury that Courtney hadn't indulged in since her arrival in Port Charles and he couldn't help wondering if exiting this town would somehow bring the smile back to her eyes. Who was he to take away her last chance at being content? Still, he couldn't shake the feeling of emptiness that settled in him when the bus pulled away.

So one of these days
I won't be afraid of staying with you
I hope and I pray
Waiting to find a way back to you
'Cause that's where I'm home…oh

Courtney read the sign carefully. You are now leaving Port Charles, New York. Come back soon! She briefly wondered if she ever would indeed return. Someday in the very distant future seemed like a distinct possibility. One day when she knew who exactly she was and what she needed. Well, she already knew what needed…Jason. The thought of her steely eyed ex husband turned the pit of her stomach to ice. She had half expected him to show up at the bus terminal, but apparently he either hadn't gotten her letter or didn't care enough to stop her.

She let her gaze wonder around the congested bus and stopped when her eyes settled upon a young family seated a few seats in front of her. The young man, who couldn't have been a hair over nineteen, had his arm protectively around a petite brunette who seemed to be about the same age as her counterpart. A small child slept peacefully in her mother's arm. The trio glowed with happiness and contentment, which brought a sad smile to her face. A look of adoration shone on both parents faces as their little bundle of joy nested her head deep into her mother's bosom.

"Sweet, huh?" An elderly woman seated behind her caught Courtney's attention. "I remember when I was that young. Never was blessed with a child, though." No response was offered and it seemed apparent that the woman wasn't looking for one as she continued on. "Where are you heading, dear?"

"I'm not sure…" Courtney replied honestly in hopes that the woman would leave her be. She had planned to spend the rest of her trip wallowing in silent misery.

"Ok. I've got a better question. What are you running from?"

"Excuse me?"

"I've been around a long time, sweetheart. I can smell fear from a mile away and right now you reek of it." The old woman's eyes twinkled in amusement. Courtney didn't say anything, but cast her gaze downward. How the hell could one person be so intuitive? "Can I give you a piece of advice?"

"If I say no, is it going to stop you?"

"Probably not." Courtney let a smile grace her lips. The woman reminded her of Lila.

"Then, please bestow upon me your keen insight."

"You're a smart ass." The elder woman returned ruefully and was met with a shrug of the shoulders. "Anyways, listen very carefully because I'm only going to say it once. You can hide for as long as you want. You're young and can probably build a real nice life for yourself. But the best life in the world won't mean shit until you can face whoever it is that you're leaving behind." The bus lurched to a stop and Courtney watched in amazement as the woman began to gather her things.

"Who said I was leaving someone behind?" She asked quietly as the woman passed.

"Love isn't any easier to hide than pain and your eyes shine with both." She replied with a wink before leaving Courtney in a slight daze.

Did I make you nervous?
Did I ask for too much?
Was I not deserving one second of your touch?

Jason let out a sigh. He had spent the better part of his night tossing and turning all the while Courtney haunted his thoughts. Had he forced her to leave? Had he left her no other option? He had hoped to somehow share in her grief, but maybe all he did was intensify it. She told him today that she wanted more than "ok". And in the back of his mind, he thought he could give that to her. He wanted to give that to her.

There you go, Morgan. Making this whole fiasco about you, his mind mocked him. He couldn't help being selfish when it came to her. As possessive as it sounds, she was his and he was unwilling to share her with any other. Maybe that's what finally pushed her over the edge. She could sense his unwavering need for her and it was too much to handle. They never could say no to one another and he's sure if to stay, she would have. And then the disastrous cycle that is their relationship would play out. God, why couldn't he be a better person for her? She deserved someone who could build her up, not tear her down. That's what he did when they were together, he wrecked her.

Shoving his head deeper into the pillow, he wished for sleep. The thoughts of his ex wife were too much for him to handle. It was obvious that he could never be what Courtney wanted or needed, but he could try. Yes, he would try to be a better person and if she returned to this tired old town, he would show her. Show her that he was willing to give her all the space and time needed. The only catch was if she returned to town. There's that damn word popping up again.

What would you do if I could have you?
Oh if I could
I'd let you feel everything I'm thinking
Wouldn't that be nice?

She settled into the run down motel room. The bright casino signs lit up the otherwise dim room. She had thought about going to her mother's apartment, but decided against it. Janine was probably still at work or with some random high roller and that was not a scene she wanted to happen upon. So instead, she checked into the first motel she saw. It wasn't anything remotely nice, but it was a place to spend the night.

The cheap bed creaked with every turn, but the noise was a welcome reprieve from the silence. Her blue eyes peered up at the cracked stucco ceiling as the old woman's words played through her mind. You can hide for as long as you want. But the best life in the world won't mean shit until you can face whomever it is that you're leaving behind.

It was probably the best advice she had ever received and it was from a stranger no less. Hiding out was no longer an option, but she wasn't sure when and if she would ever be ready to face him again. Maybe some day when things weren't so tense between them. Some day when he isn't taking care another woman…

That's what it boiled down to…Sam. Not just Sam but the baby she was carrying as well. Jealousy ate through her system, but she refused to direct at her brother's mistress. Her ex husband was the one who concocted the whole plan with complete disregard for her feelings.

Her plate was brimming with all of the events of the last month. From Sam and Jason to Sonny and Carly to her and Jax and then finally the anniversary of her miscarriage. It was enough to completely break a person and she was sure that if she stayed around Port Charles she would indeed crack. The change of scenery would hopefully help, but not enough to erase the pain and hurt. Pain over losing her child and hurt that Jason had instilled within her. She would get stronger though and time would dull her wounds, she was sure of it. It was just a matter of how long it would take. Patience never was one of her strong suits, but she would wait as long as it took for the pain to fade and then return back home. Back to him.

And one of these days
I won't be afraid of staying with you