Disclaimer: I don't own anything. The characters belong to GH and the song Let It All Out belongs to Staind.
Summary: Sam's baby pasted away and with it went his hopes and dreams of possibly having his own family. Where will Jason go to find the peace he so desperately needs?
Let It All Go 1/1:
Jason's POV
There's nothing left,
nothing left to hold on to.
There is no reason to make a fight anymore.
I let it all go.
It'll be easier I know,
the weight on my shoulders tells me so.
The brisk autumn air is biting through the thin black material of my long sleeve T-shirt. I shove my hands deeper into my pockets trying to find some warmth, but I have the sneaking suspicion that the weather isn't the only reason I find myself in this numb state. Baby Lila is dead and while I mourn for the child who never had a chance, I can't keep my mind from drifting back to Courtney and the baby girl that we created. My train of thought goes a step further and retraces the look of despair on her delicate facial features when I plucked her out of that god forsaken hell hole that the South Americans like to refer to as a clinic.
I couldn't save Courtney then and I can't save Sam and Lila, now. I've finally realized that I'm destined to a life of destruction and pain. Not for me, but the for the people that I care about most. Courtney can testify to that fact, I destroyed her with one simple stroke of the pen. At the same time, I ruined myself, because she was everything that I wanted to be. I nearly succeed too. At one point in our relationship I could actually look at myself in the mirror without being disgusted.
There's another little known fact, most of the time I'm sickened by who I am. Funny isn't it? I spend so much time trying to justify my job to others and I can't even justify it to myself. I kill people and I'm okay with that. What I can't take comfort in is the pain that engulfs everyone around me because of my career. Then why not quit? While it seems like a pretty simple decision, it's one that I can't come to grips with. I don't feel strong enough to walk away. Not that I would admit it to anyone, but I camouflage myself in my job. It's easier to push people away then it is to let them infect your life and wait for them to walk away. It's my protective blanket so to speak. I find so much security in having the control that when I'm stripped of it I shut down.
That's what happened with Courtney. She took the power away from me when she hit Alcazar with that log. Unsure of how to cope with that, I lashed out the only way I knew how to. Walking away. Besides my 9mm., it's my most useful weapon. When things become to real, I turn my back. Hell, I loved her with everything in me, which is why things had to end. I was hurting her by doing my job and I couldn't quit that, so I quit her instead. I like to think I was saving her, but in the long run I know I was only saving myself.
So now I stand here
to sing another song for you.
About the pain I felt before,
now there's nothing I can do.
Now I stand here,
with nothing left to say to you.
And if you all could sing along,
it might help me make it through.
I left the hospital soon after Sam woke up. She may have needed me, but I couldn't bring myself to linger around the pristine white tiled room any longer. Sonny is there anyways and I know that when pushed came to shove; she would want him there instead of me. I have nothing left to offer her. Everything I did have left with Lila's spirit. For the life of me, I cannot figure out why I went into the operating room and why I felt the inexplicable need to cradle her in my arms. Maybe I was trying to find the closure I didn't get when Courtney miscarried. There was no baby to look at or hold in my arms when I lost my daughter.
It feels odd saying that. My daughter, but she was. I have helped raise many a children, but none were biologically mine. And the only one that was never made it to the light of day. Hell, I didn't even know about her 'til it was too late. Would that have changed things? If I somehow found out earlier, could I have prevented her untimely demise? Those are the questions that have been haunting my mind for the last few hours. Of course, the answers are yes. Everything would be different if I had just stayed that one extra night with Courtney. I can't change my choices, so I'm forced to live with the regret of knowing that the one life I couldn't save was my very own daughter, even though I was equipped with all the tools do so.
The loft is coming into view ahead of me. Our loft. I know if I don't turn and walk the opposite direction right now, I'll end up at her doorstep. Unfortunately I can't seem to change my trek. I need to see her even if it will end up hurting both of us in the end, because nothing could be worse than the ache I'm feeling right now.
Courtney's POV
I try to move on,
nothing' left to hurt me now.
I hope it's all in the past to stay.
Just trying' to see through
all the fucked up shit we do,
and hope that we all don't drift away.
"Leave it. Whoever it is will go away…" Jax mumbled into my lips referring to the soft rap on the front door.
"It could be Diego, Jax…" I try unsuccessfully to squirm out of his grasp. "I'm serious, let me go." I finally feel his hold loosen enough for me to get up and march towards the entrance. I pull the door open and am shocked with what I'm greeted with. It appears to be Jason, only in a form I have never seem him take. He looks weary with dark bags taking up residence under his blood shot eyes. He's dressed in only a T-shirt despite the fact it is quite a chilly night. My heart leaps into my throat and for a brief moment I'm tempted to take him in my arms and wish away all his pain.
"What's going on?" My voice is shakier than I intended and I can feel Jax coming up behind me. For the first time in awhile, I just wish that the cocky Australian would go away. I like Jax, but sense that at this precise moment, Jason needs me more than he ever will. And just like old times, I can't turn my back on him.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt anything. I'm just going to go." His voice sounds broken, like nothing I've ever heard before. I open my mouth to speak, but am cut off by a booming Australian accent.
"Yeah, well thanks for stopping by. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out." Jax called with an arrogant smile spread across his lips and it takes all my self-control not to slap it off. I watch as Jason does a simple hand gesture to wave him off as he continues down the hall. He's almost at the stairwell when I finally find my voice.
"Jase wait!" I yell to make sure it reaches him. "Jax was just leaving." I throw Jax an apologetic look and hope that he understands why I need to do this. Why I need to be the rock that Jason so often was for me. Deep down I know that he won't get it. I know that I'm going to be faced with hell tomorrow morning. I'm choosing my ex husband over my current boyfriend and know that will not sit well with him, but I'll gladly risk it to offer Jason the peace of mind he's given me so many times.
"We'll talk about this later," his voice is low and it comes off as more of a threat than anything else. I feel his soft lips caress the side of my mouth and know that he's keeping eye contact with Jason through the entire thing. It's a show of ownership on Jax part, a gesture to show that I will never be Jason Morgan's again. I wait for the sound of his footsteps to subside before I speak.
"You must be freezing," I quickly usher him into the warmth of my apartment.
"It's not that bad…" Always the tough guy.
So let it all out,
nothing' left to hold on to.
There is no reason to make a fight anymore.
"You want to talk to me about what's going on?"
"Sam's baby died," he whispers in defeat. I take a moment to let the information sink in. My heart immediately goes out to the petite brunette; no one deserves the pain of losing a child.
"Oh god, Jase…" I let the words come out softly as I reach over to pull him into my embrace. However, he remains rigid. I wonder what exactly is running through that brain of his and am kind of nervous about finding out. Never have I ever seen him in such a state of disarray, not even when I told him about our daughter.
"I'm sorry," he's apologizing for something and I'm not quite sure I want to know what it is. "I should have been there for you."
"Please don't do this," I can feel my voice cracking.
"I have to," he responds with tears thickening his voice. "I should have been there for you. I should have done something and I didn't. All this blame you've been carrying belongs on my shoulders not yours. You will never know how much I regret not being able to save her for you. For me." I can feel the hot tears sliding down my cheeks as I try to piece together a response, but no words seem adequate enough.
"What Sam is going through and what I went through are two different things." I try, but he doesn't seem to want to hear it.
"Yeah, because what you lost was mine too. I was going to love Lila, but it was different. She wasn't my flesh and blood." He pauses for a moment to collect himself. "I know that you don't want to hear any of this right now, but I need to talk to someone and you're the only one who understands."
"What the hell do you want from me, Jason?" I begin to pace the room trying to control all the emotions flowing through my weary body. "I can't do this anymore! I can't have these fucking conversations with you anymore! Because it always ends the same way with me completely broken and you walking away. It's not fair. I'm sorry for you and Sam, but please don't pull me back into this. It hurts too much." My shouts fill the air and I can't look him in the eye. While it's the truth, I didn't mean for it to come out as harshly as it did.
"I'm sorry…"
"Stop apologizing, ok?" I manage to keep my tone at a normal level. "It's not going to change anything." It was useless to try and wipe away the tears now, but through my blurry vision I can see his demeanor change. His face that seemed so tired is now contorted into a look of pain that mirrors my own. All the anger that was just coursing through my veins is replaced remorse. There's nothing I can say that will fix the damage, so I stand in silence waiting for him to plot his next move.
I let it all go.
Feels so much better now I know.
The weight on my shoulders tells me so.
"I deserve everything that you just said." His statement catches me off guard. "I shouldn't have come here."
"Don't go," the plea leaves my lips just as his hand rests on the doorknob. I'm not sure where it came from, but I can't watch him walk away. Not this time. Instead I cross the room and reach my arms out to him. He seems unsure of how to react, but soon falls into my outstretched embrace. And for a moment, the shouting and tears are forgotten and it's just us in our cocoon of safety. "Will you just stay the night?" It's not an offer for sex, but quite the opposite. I just want to share the same bed as him, I want to feel his warmth like I used.
He pulls away and nods in response. I watch as he quickly wipes away the wetness under his eyes, trying to somewhat salvage his masculinity. He doesn't like me knowing that he's not as strong as everyone believes he is. It's okay because his secret safe with me, just like it always has been.
There's nothing left,
none of it's worth holding on to.
There is no reason to make a fight anymore.
A/N: I'm actually quite proud of this story. I'm not sure about the song, but I like the overall premise. I kind of hope that the writers will write in a nice Jason/Courtney scene where they bond about the matter, but I doubt that will happen. Anyways, let me know whatcha think.