OI!!! Thank-you to all those people who reviewed and liked my story so far!! Ya'll know that I write such things just for you! (grins) Anyhoo... in this chapter there WILL be more Harry/Draco interaction, which should please all of you shippers out there... and me as well, even though I'm the one thats writing the story... but who cares. We shippers totally have to sick together, am I right? Good, thought so. Now, on with the next chappie!!! Read till your hearts content (bows and exits stage right... bumps into wall...OUCH!!... exits stage left...)
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Five days, too many questions, three detentions, and a few nights restless sleep later, Harry Potter sat numbly in the Gryffindor Common room. He was far from alright, which he proclaimed to be very time that his friends asked him what was wrong, and he didn't know what the hell to do about it. Not only were his studies suffering because he couldn't keep his thoughts straight- as he was more and more letting his mind flow towards thoughts of Malfoy- but he was starting to alienate his friends in favor of solitude, and becoming increasingly annoyed at the object of his desire.
Malfoy had become, if it was even possible, more of a git then usual. Having upgraded himself from the simple teasing and moderate humiliation he cast upon others, to putting his full 'wrath' on Harry alone. What started off as crude remarks about the person that Harry had a crush on- though Harry somehow knew that Malfoy knew it was him- to generally saying that no one was stupid enough to fall for 'The-Boy-Who-Lived'. After all, who would want to attacth themselves to a guy that would be dead by the time he was twenty? No one. That's who. Harry had actually caught himself agreeing with Malfoy sometimes. Who really would love him enough to stay with him even though he would more or less die 'saving' the wizarding world? That was of course, if he really could save anything.
On a few of those sleepless nights, Harry had lain awake, staring at the canopy of his bed with the curtains drawn, and had shed silent tears. Of grief and pain, to anguish an frustration. Frustration that he had to be born the 'savior' of the Wizarding world, and frustration because he was in love with someone who hated him just for that reason, or so it seemed. Malfoy could hate him for any reason he chose. Harry didn't exactly hold back during Quidditch; always beating Malfoy, and he was better at Defense Against The Drak Arts then the pale teenager. Maybe Malfoy hated Harry because he had sent Draco's father to Askaban? Truthfully, there were too many reasons as to way Malfoy would hate him.
Harry sighed, somethng he had been doing a lot lately, and stared into the flames of the common room fire. Glancing over to the couch across from him, Harry managed to keep himself from glaring at Seamus and Dean, who were currently cuddled up at one end of the plush red sofa. Seamus had wedged himself in beside Dean, one arm wrapped around the other Gryffindor's chest, while Deam himself had tangled one of his legs with Seamus' and had put both arms around his boyfriend.
Why did they have to be so happy? Harry thought bitterly, before stopping himself from thinking further things with a slight shake of his head. Who was he to determine the happiness of others? Seamus and Dean had gone through a lot to get to where they were right now, and they deserved all the time they had together.
Suddenly, a voice cut in through his developing thoughts.
"Can I sit down?" It was Ginny.
Harry looked up at her. She had grown over the summer, now standing at least five foot six, only three inches shorter than Harry himself. She would be one of those tall slender women that all the guys drooled over when she got older, Harry thought, though none of those guys will be me. Ginny Weasley was too much like a sister to date. Harry was protective of her just like Ron was, and he knew that if anyone messed with Ginny, or Hermione for that matter, they would have to answer to Ron and himself.
"Sure." Harry replied, gesturing for her to sit down.
Ginny smiled and took the offered seat, tucking her knees under her frame before taking a deep breath, "You seem down lately Harry, and I know that you'd rather not be asked again... but-" she paused and reached out to take his hand in hers, "- are you okay?" Genuine concern entered her voice.
Harry forced himself to smile, but couldn't hold it. "No." He said simply.
"Oh," his red headed friend replied, "do you... want to talk about it?"
Considering shaking his head, Harry spoke before he could stop himself, "Have you ever felt like you're going to be alone for the rest of your life?" He asked sullenly.
Ginny paused, then tilted her head to the side, "You think that?"
Harry nodded.
"...Harry," Ginny started, now putting her other hand over the one already holding the green-eyed teens hand, "you aren't going to be alone."
"How do you know that?" was his bitter reply, thinking back on how all of his crushes had ended in disaster.
"Oh for heavens sake Harry! Stop acting like that!" Ginny scolded, smacking his knee, then taking a breath before asking, "what's this all about? Really about?"
Harry shrugged, "Just thinking."
"...About that person you like?" Ginny asked, and Harry could sense amusement in her voice.
"...Maybe..."
Harry heard her sigh, as he had looked away, "Harry, why don't you just talk to whomever you like and find out if there's any possibily that something could happen between you?"
Harry considered that. Sure, he thought sarcastically, I'll just walze up to Malfoy at dinner and anounced that I'm in love with him, that'll go over well...
"...I can't," Harry answered after a prodding from Ginny finger, "the person I like hates me at the moment."
Ginny took her time saying something in return, obviously thinking about what to say next. Harry somehow knew that what she said next would determine of he was going to tell her anything else- though he wasn't quite sure how he had worked that out in his mind. When she finally did reply, Harry recieved an answer that he had not expected, but all the same, should have.
"You're not still crushing on Cho are you Harry?" his friend asked, "you guys broke up, and she graduated last year, you can't possibly still have feelings for her!"
Harry grimaced, "Oh lord no!" he almost laughed at Ginny for coming to such a conclusion, "I'm so over her."
"Then who do you like that's causing so much trouble?" She persisted.
Harry swallowed. Should he tell her? he wondered. That would go over just as well as his imaginary conversation with Malfoy. Horrifyingly wrong. How could he tell her that he had fallen for Malfoy? A boy who had repeatedly stepped on her family, belittling them for fun, just so he could make his so called 'friends' laugh. No, Harry would not do that to her.
"I don't want to talk about it anymore." He said.
Ginny stared at him for a while, then shrugged, "Okay. You don't have to say anything," she waited a little while before adding in a casual tone, "...it ... it isn't ...a girl... is it?"
Harry jumped, dropped his jaw and sucked in a breath, all at once. "What?!" he squeaked.
Ginny grinned, "I knew it! Hermione was telling the truth!"
"...Hermione-"
"I guess I owe her those sickles then..." Gnny interrupted him, "too bad. I really needed those."
"What the devil are you talking about!" Harry hissed, "did Hermione tell you that I liked a guy?"
Ginny looked at him innocently, "Not really, but you just confirmed it."
"Wh- wha... How?!" Harry asked, thankful that his voice had slipped back down to it's proper octave.
"Well... I overheard Hermione talking to Ron about your... situation... and I was curious to see if what they were saying was true," she replied, "and you, my dear friend, have just confirmed what they said."
Harry was dumbfounded. He hadn't thought that Ginny Weasley, the youngest of the Weasley clan, could be so sneaky.
Ginny laughed at his expression, "Don't worry Harry," she said soothingly, "no one knows but us three... well, four if you count yourself."
"...Super..." Harry muttered.
Again Ginny beamed at him, "So all that's left now is to track down the guy that's stolen Harry Potter's heart, back him into a wall and demand to know why he's being such a prig."
With that, Ginny leaned forwards, gave him a kiss on the cheek and bounded off towards the girls dorms, leaving Harry alone with his scattered thoughts.
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The next day, Harry yawned widely as he made his way to Hagrids Hut for Care of Magical Creatures lesson. He was in a better mood, as none of his friends had asked him how he was, or if all was well with his crush. Harry was actually begining to believe that today was going to be tolerable. Then, just as he settled himself on the grass beside Ron and Hermione, waiting for Hagrid to start class, Malfoy sauntered over to him.
"Potter." The pale teen said, rudely, but that was of course normal.
Harry glanced up at Malfoy, who was- to Harry's faint discomfort- not wearing his Slytherin robe, just his white collared shirt and tie (with his trousers of course). The shirt was undone the first two buttons, and the tie loosened. A look that Harry had never seen Malfoy in. The Slytherin Ice Prince was alway buttoned up and dressed immaculately.
Sighing, Harry returned his gaze forwards and asked, "What?" as rudely as he could manage.
Draco Malfoy clicked his tongue, "Tisk, tisk Potter, what will Dumbledore think of his prize student talking so brazenly?"
Hermione spoke up now, snorting, "Malfoy, if you think that saying 'what' is so brazen, then I think you need to re-learn the basics of the English language."
Harry glanced at his friend, amazed that she had not added something about Draco being a ferret or something, as that had been her favorite thing to call the blond teen ever since the end of sixth year.
"Shut your face mudblood," Malfoy sneered, "this doesn't concern you."
"Shove off ferret," Ron interupted Hermione's next remark, "go piss off someone else for a change."
The next words out of Malfoy's mouth made Harry shiver with remembrace of their little 'talk' the previous week, "Oh, but I like pissing you off Weasle-bee. Though I do enjoy getting under Potter's skin more."
Harry felt his face flush, his mind coming up with all kinds of images that could go with that sentance. He raised his knees to his chest and rested his chin on top of them, his hair hopfully covering some of his flushed face.
"Come off it Malfoy," Ron replied hotly, "your just trying to make up for the fact that you don't bother Harry as much as you did before. He ignores you now, and you can't stand that."
Harry almost laughed. Poor Ron thought he was ignoring Malfoy because he didn't care about what the other teen said to him, when truthfully, it was the other way around. Harry ignored Malfoy because he felt too much when the other teen said something to him.
Again, Malfoy snorted, "I hardly think so Weasle-bee, just look at him," he stated, and Harry knew that he was being gestured at, though he couldn't see, "he's all red and shaking. I think he might actually get up and try something brave! How very Gryffindor of him!"
Harry shut his eyes.
"But then again, maybe he's just embarrassed because he's losing a battle he was never ment to win to begin with," Malfoy drawled.
"Maybe he's trying to hold back from kicking the snot out of you because he doesn't want to touch you ferret!" Hermione growled, getting back into the arguement.
Oh how wrong she is, Harry thought to himself despairingly.
"Well it isn't like anyone's going to touch him," Mafoy replied, "he's tainted with impending death."
Harry squeazed his eyes shut tighter. He didn't want to be talked about like he wasn't there! He didn't want to be told over and over that he'd die alone, or be alone for the rest of his life. He didn't want the boy he loved to be saying these things. He knew that he'd be alone, even his parents had left him, though not intentionally. And Dumbledore had sent him to live with his Aunt and Uncle, who ignored him his entire life. Yes, he would be alone. His friends would leave him sooner or later, he would die at the hands of Voldemort, and then no one would remember him, or even his name. Yes he knew that, but he was tired of everyone saying it!
Standing abruptly, just as Malfoy was about to say something else, Harry opened his mouth and said in low, dull, almost emotionless tones, "That's right Malfoy, I have no one. Does it make you happy? Do you sleep more soundly at night knowing that you bring utter misery to others? Do you think that makes you worthy of being human?" he asked, his voice starting to get hoarse from tears that choked his throat and threatened to spill down his cheeks, "At least I know my fate. You're still deluding yourself into believing that these... people... are your friends," Harry motioned towards Crabbe and Goyle, "but face it Malfoy. You'll be just as alone as I will."
With that, Harry turned, snatched his bag from the grass and headed in the direction of the castle, oblivious to the shouts from his friends and the bellowing call of Hagrid. He didn't notice anything as he trugged up the slop, tears now falling freely, so he would have never seen the concerned look pass over Draco Malfoy's pale features as he watched him dissappear.
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It wasn't until later that night that Harry finally calmed down. He had cut classes the rest of the day, faking sickness, and going straight to his bed. He'd shut the draps tight, and cast a silencing and locking charm. No one was going to bother him if he didn't want them to.
He'd lain there for hours, sometimes crying, sometimes punching his fist into his headboard until his kuckles were raw and in some spots bleeding. How could he have thought that Malfoy was a decent person! How could he have been so stupid to as to let himself fall for that... that... BASTARD!
"...I should have known..." he muttered as he closed his eyes.
Malfoy had probably laughed at him after Harry had left class that afternoon. He probably told everyone some sort of lie that would haunt Harry until the end of the school term.
"Well I hope they laugh it up, the lot of them," Harry snarled, "I don't care anymore."
And it was true, Harry suddenly thought. After hours of crying and anger, he had calmed down enough to realize that he didn't care. He just didn't, and it was as simple as that. Harry had finally found that the only way he would survive through all the emotional crap in his life, everything that threatened to tear him apart from the inside out, was to become emotionally dead. There would be no more crushes, no more caring what people thought of him, no more caring that he would die in the War. And best of all, he wouldn't care if he didn't care.
"...I don't need anyone..." Harry muttered, sitting up and crossing his legs.
He was willing to face the world outside his bed now. But this time, he would be ready for it.
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"Harry?" came Hermione's tentative voice from across the dinner table in the Great Hall, "Harry?" she repeated when he didn't answer, though a little louder this time.
Pausing as he raised his fork to his mouth, Harry eyed her with disinterest, "Yeah?"
"Do... do, you want to talk about what happened today?" Hermione asked, hope filtering in through her now timid voice.
Harry shrugged, "No. There's nothing to talk about. I lost my cool, and it won't happen again. End of discussion." he finished, his voice dull as before.
Ron cleared his throat, "Are you sure mate? I mean, you seemed really upset when you left this afternoon."
Harry bit his cheek from yelling at his friend, "I said there's nothing to talk about."
"I don't believe you," Ron said, "you've been acting weird ever since you came down from the dorm room."
Harry reguarded Ron with a cool gaze, "I'm fine." he said, then without another word, he got up from the table and left the hall.
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The following Saturday, exactly two weeks since Harry first thought he loved Malfoy, found the Gryffidor teen down at the lake. Sitting with his legs crossed under him, Harry stared out over the calm water. His school books were lying on the grass next to him, as he had begun to do his homework outside, having no real enthusiasm to finish it in the common room with all the others.
Harry had been true to his new found awareness, never letting his feelings get in the way of everything, and never once letting the feelings of others affect him. He hadn't thought of Malfoy once either. It was all begining to show in his school work. He was doing exceedingly well in most of his classes- he was now keeping his mind on the task set for him in Divination, as well as acheiving acceptable marks in Potions- which seemed to confuse, but please the Professors. Even Snape had grudingly told Harry that he was doing better, though Harry suspected that it was because Dumbledore had come into the classroom at that moment, so it wasn't exactly like Snape could say anything rude to Harry anyways.
If his friends had noticed anything different about him, they didn't say anything. All was going well... or so he thought.
"Harry," came a grave voice from behind him, "I wonder if I could have a word with you?"
Without turning, Harry replied, "What would you like to talk to me about?" he asked in a neutral voice.
Dumbledore came to stand next to him, where he conjured a cushion to sit on, then spoke, "Why are you doing this to yourself Harry?"
Harry blinked, "Doing what?"
"Shutting yourself away from everyone," the old Headmaster answered, "hiding behind a mask of stone. It isn't like you."
"...You think you know who I am?" Harry asked, "how do you know that this isn't the way I was ment to be?"
Dumbledore sighed, "My dear boy, if you were ment to be this way that you are now, then I was ment to be born a two headed toad."
Harry gazed at the Headmaster, "Do you have a point?"
Dumbledore's gaze on him hardened, "I will ignore that comment Harry, for you are not yourself, but only once," he paused to let his words sink in, then continued, "your friends are very worried about you."
"Why?" Harry asked, picking at the hem of his pants.
"They aren't the only ones either, or so I hear." Was the response.
Harry bit his lip. Were people that worried about him? No! He didn't care! He didn't care if the were worried or afraid for him. He was passed all that emotion now.
Dumbledore continued, passing over Harry's reluctance to reply, "Did you know that of all the people worried about you lad, it was a certain blond Slytherin that told me to find you and talk to you?"
Harry lost it for a second, "Mafoy's worried about me?" he asked before he could stop himself.
The Headmaster nodded, "Quite a bit more, I imagine, than he wants anyone to see," another pause, "is he right to worry Harry?"
Suddenly, Harry didn't want to be emotionally dead anymore.
"I'm afraid that I'll die without ever finding someone," Harry whispered, not careing if h sounded stupid, "I'm afraid that I'll die before I've lived my life. Just like my parents died..."
Dumbledore tilted his head at Harry and spoke softly, "What makes you say that?"
Harry grimaced, "Why would anyone want to be tied down to someone that's either going to be killed or kill? I'm probably not going to survive the War," Harry swallowed, pushing the tears down, "no on will remember me when I'm gone, and no one will care if I'm dead. To them I'm just 'The-Boy-Who-Lived'."
Suddenly, Harry was crying, and just as suddenly, he was pulled into a hug. He buired his face into the front of Dumbledore's purple and blue robes, sobbing as he had never done since Sirius' death. The old Headmaster whispered words of comfort to Harry as his hands patted the teenager on his back, all the while rocking slowly back and forth. Harry had never been hugged like this before. He didn't really have a parental figure to sooth away his pains when he was a child, and he hadn't had one until just now.
Once Harry had finished crying, he pushed away from the Proffessor and scrubbed at his eyes, sniffing. "S- sorry." he muttered.
"Nonsense Harry," Dumbledore said, waving his hand in dismissal, "you needed that."
"I don't know what to do anymore," Harry said, "I'm totally lost."
"I think that you'll find that you are not as lost as you think you are my dear boy," the old man said as he smiled slightly, "you only have to loo into your heart to see it."
Harry looked at him puzzled, and was about to ask what that ment, but something caught his attention out of the corner of his eye. Draco Malfoy. The blond Slytherin was standing not thirty feet away, his eyes wide and soft as he watched Harry. Then, he smiled. Not the sarcastic grin he aways seemed to have plastered on his beautiful face, but an honest smile. Directed at Harry.
"...I think someone wants to talk to you Harry." Dumbledore said with a knowing grin.
Before Harry could respond, the Headmaster stood, waved his wand to get rid of the cushion, and winked at Harry. Then, with no other words, he walked away.
Harry stared at the ground, not willing to meet Malfoy's gaze. He listened as the pale teen walked to him and sat down beside him on the grass. It was a while before either of them spoke.
"Are you alright Potter?" Malfoy asked, breaking the silence.
The question that had annoyed Harry when his friends said it, sounded right when Malfoy spoke them, and Harry found himself answering.
"Not really. But I will be."
Another pause.
"I'm sorry." Malfoy said, pucking at the grass at his feet.
Harry blinked and turned his gaze upon Malfoy, "Huh?"
"Eloquent Potter," Malfoy laughed, "I mean I'm sorry for what I said."
Harry tilted his head, pretending not to know what the teen next to him was talking about.
Malfoy sighed, "You're going to make me say it aren't you?" he asked, then smiled slightly when Harry grinnd shyly at him, "Okay! Okay! I'm sorry for all the shit that I've said to you. I've been rotten and I take it all back... That is, if you'll let me?"
At first Harry wanted to tell Malfoy that no apology from him was going to be accepted, but when he looked into Malfoy's eyes, he knew he would forgive him.
Sighing, Harry replied, "Forgiven. Do you forgive me then?"
Malfoy laughed, "Yeah, I guess I do."
Suddenly Harry was struck with a thought. Why was Malfoy being nice to him all of a sudden?
He got his answer without having to ask, as Malfoy seemed to read his mind, "You're probably wondering why I'm being sociable huh?" he asked, and Harry nodded, "I think it's because I realized how much I hurt you. I never ment to do that."
"...Why?"
Malfoy bit his lip, "Because... cause..." he shut his eyes, and blurted it out, "oh for the love of Merlin! I like you alright!"
"You... like...me?" Harry asked, his heart pounding in his chest, though in a good way.
Malfoy blushed, "Yes! Okay? I like you."
"Since when?" Harry asked.
"Since a month ago." Malfoy said.
Harry had a thought, and he glared at Malfoy, "You did it on purpose didn't you?" he asked.
Startled, the Slytherin teen asked, "Wh-?"
"All the things to distract me these past couple of weeks! You did them on purpose, didn't you?" Harry bit his bottom lip, "the sugar quills, talking more, trying to pick a fight with me, all of that."
"Ahh..." Malfoy sighed, "you've solved the puzzle. Good job Potter."
"...Don't call me that," Harry said, wanting absurdly to hear Malfoy say his name, "I have a name, Draco..."
The blond started at the use of his name, but recovered well and grinned, "Alright... Harry."
Harry smiled and turned his gaze out towards the lake. There was another couple minutes of silence, both Harry and Draco not wanting to ruin the moment. Harry closed his eyes and breathed in the fresh autumn air, enjoying the warm breeze that tickled the back of his neck. He wasn't sure if Malfoy was staring at him, and frankly, Harry was just glad that the pale boy was there.
Suddenly, a hand crept into his, warm to the touch. Opening his eyes, Harry found himself staring into Draco's silver-grey orbs. There seemed to be no need for words, on either side. Smiling instead, Harry tightened his grip on Draco's hand and returned his attention back to the water. He wasn't sure what this change in their relationship ment, but Harry was determined just to enjoy the feeling of Draco sitting close by him, holding his hand. Everything else would come later.
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Author's Note:
Awww!! Wasn't that cute? Yes, I know it could have gone way sappier, but, that'll come later..... maybe.... (rubs hands together)
So how did you like the angsty bits? I tried not to let it get too bad. Notice the whole hug scene? I totally could picture that happening! Dumbledore is like Harry's daddy!
Anyways, I hoped you liked this chapter, and don;t worry all you shippers...... there WILL be more chapters to come. But for now, I have to let my wrists rest, as I have been typing for almost five hours straight to get this finished, and it is 1:47am. Me soo TIRED!!! (whimpers for her nice warm bed....)
REVIEWS WANTED AND MUCH DESIRED!!!!!