Disclaimer: I don't own anything. The characters belong to GH and the song Back To You belongs to John Mayer.
A/N: Okay, I wicked stole this song from Nicole and I hope she doesn't mind me using it. Set in present time, sort of. Jax is with Courtney and Sam is with Jason, which is all you really know.
Summary: Funny how time and distance change you. The road you take don't always lead you home. You can start a love with good intentions and then you look up and it's gone.
Back To You 1/1:
Back to you
It always comes around
Back to you
I tried to forget you
I tried to stay away
But it's too late
Courtney let out an uncomfortable sigh as her eyes searched out another seat, but the curiously busy park offered no other vacancies than the one beside him. She carefully slid onto the hard wooden bench, hoping that her presence would go unnoticed, but no such luck as he cocked his head and gave her a long sideways look.
"I like to eat my lunch here…" She provided before he could ask. A smile came across his face as she went about removing the contents out of her small brown lunch bag. A sandwich, that he would be willing to bet was peanut butter and jelly. Only grape jelly of course, because Courtney Matthews would never dream of eating a different kind. He hated how his still knew that and how he knew that she would casually slip a few potato chips between the two pieces of bread. He watched as she removed a few other baggies, one holding the potato chips and the other holding what appeared to be cookies. Just as he thought, she wasted no time pulling apart her sandwich and placing four chips on it before putting it back together. She caught he lopsided grin and gave him a weird look. "What?"
"You're never going to change are you?" Jason asked with a small chuckle.
"I'll have you know that this is a perfectly delicious sandwich," she replied holding her lunch in his face for good measure.
"I'm sure it is." He replied with a roll of his eyes and rejected the half of her PB&J she offered.
"So what are you doing out here?" She asked in between bites.
"Penthouse was getting a little claustrophobic." He answered honestly without taking his steely blue eyes off the pond in front of them.
"What's that suppose to mean?"
"Nothing…" He replied softly.
"Everything ok, Jase?" Her voice held a tinge of concern and his heart shook a little.
"Everything is just fucking great." He snapped and saw as she shrugged back away from him. "Sorry. I didn't mean…"
"It's ok. You want to talk about it?"
"I don't think that's a good idea."
"Why not?" She asked with a raise of her manicured eyebrow. "Jason, before everything, we were friends. You remember that? You listened when I needed to talk and I tried to listen, but you never talked. Anyways…" He let out a laugh and she gave him her trademark pout. "I know things will never be the same between us, but I'd like to pretend that we could at least be friends again."
"You ever feel trapped?" He asked softly and she nodded in response. "Like no matter how hard you try to stop it, the walls are closing around you. And you know that you're going to die, but there's no other solution."
"There is always another alternative."
"There isn't when you're being strangled by your own promises." He replied and Courtney felt her heart stop. Jason really seemed bothered, more so than she had ever seen him and she had seen him through some really bad times. Still, he always had hope and no there was none of that shining in his eyes.
"What's this about." She asked and watched as he turned away. She reached out and placed a comforting hand on his cheek, turning it ever so slightly. "Jason, tell me what's up."
"Sam wants to have a baby." He answered honestly and saw the color drain from his ex wife face.
"Oh." She replied quietly trying somehow to regain her composure. Why did that hurt so much, she wondered. She was engaged to another man and he was trying to have a baby with another woman. Oh God, the thought made her sick to her stomach and it took everything to keep down the vomit that was slowly rising up her throat.
"I don't think I can do it, though." He continued on and caught her attention.
"Wh- Why not?" She stuttered.
"Because you are the only woman that I could picture being the mother of my children."
Over you
I'm never over
Over you
Something about you
It's just the way you move
The way you move me
Courtney felt her head grow light and had to grip his arm to remain sitting up. What? Her mind screamed causing her brain to pound viscously in her skull. He wouldn't look at her, but she could see the blush creeping up his cheeks and quickly realized that he never meant to say that. Whether or not the comment was true, it was something that he obviously wanted to keep to himself.
"Jason, you are going to need to explain this to me a little further. Because maybe it's just me, but I was under the impression that we were done." She whispered and watched as he cringed slightly.
"I can't explain it." He replied. "I thought I was over you. I really did. But then Sam started talking about children and…"
"Maybe it's just cold feet." Courtney offered softly. "And if it is, than you have nothing to worry about because you are going to be an amazing father."
"Please don't say that…"
"But it's the truth."
"But when you say things like that, I know that I'm with the wrong girl." He confessed.
"I'm just trying to help, Jase." She replied.
"Don't!" He stood up and began pacing on the grass before her. "I knew I shouldn't have talked to you about this."
"Why?"
"Because you're the problem." He shot back and she felt a lump form in her throat. Anger began to bubble in her stomach and she tried desperately to keep it from boiling over.
"Don't you dare put this on me, Jason Morgan!" She ordered with a growl. "It's not my fault that we aren't together anymore and I definitely won't let you put your failing relationship on my conscience."
"Don't you see, Courtney?" He asked. "I'm not the same person I was before we fell in love and I don't know how to get him back."
"Why would you want to?"
"Because before you, I didn't care. I could be happy with Sam right now, because I wouldn't know any different." He kept his voice quiet, but people were still watching curiously.
"I don't buy that." She replied. "You're not happy right now, because you don't want to be. You know that you don't love Sam and it kills you."
"Says Jasper Jacks fiancée." He snarled. "That man is the most superficial person on the face of the earth. And if you weren't so drop dead gorgeous, he wouldn't give you a second look let alone marry you."
"Don't put down my relationship just because yours' sucks." She shot back with an annoyed glare.
"Answer me this Courtney: What do you love more his looks or his money?" Tears burned in the back of her eyes.
"Neither. I love the fact that he's not you, Jason." Her tone was icy and he snapped his head back as if he had just been slapped. "I love how I always come first, no matter what."
"But do you love him?" He asked with an intense glare. Courtney didn't answer, instead rose from her seat and turned to walk away. His arms wrapped around her waist before she could get too far. "Answer me."
"I'm going to spend the rest of my life with Jax."
"But you don't love him." He finished.
"Love is overrated," she told him with tears clinging to her long eyelashes. "I mean look where it got us."
I'm so good at forgetting
And I quit every game I play
But forgive me, love
I can't turn and walk away
This way
She remained in his arms and by now, the bystanders were whispering among themselves, but she didn't care. Jason's gaze continued to hold her captive, challenging her to try and leave. And she wanted to leave, but damn if her legs didn'tturn to jelly. Could she really do this with him again. It was suicide and she knew it, but her heart refused to hear it. Their relationship was a miserable failure, one that followed her around like a lost puppy dog. Yet, somewhere in the back of her mind, she held onto hope that one day it would fall into place and everything would be good. Her and Jason would be happy and nothing would tear them apart.
But then she met Jax. And while she wasn't quite sure of her feelings for him, she was sure of the fact that he made her happy. With everything that had happened with Jason, she decided to put all her energy into their relationship, determined not to lose out again. And it had worked and everything had been great until she sat down on the bench today. Now, her loyalty to Jax was being tested and she wasn't doing very well. She just wanted to have something constant in her life. For as long as she could remember, things changed. She was always moving and changing her mind, but it was inevitable.
Except with Jason (of course), she never got bored with him. He was the only thing that could hold her attention for long periods of time and she lost that. So, she reverted back to her old way. Rearranging everything in her life every few weeks, because she felt safe that way. If things never stayed the same for too long than she would never miss the way they were.
"Courtney." His breath was hot in her ear. "Let's get out of here." She knew she was fighting a losing battle as she tried desperately to stand her ground. But when his hand encompassed hers so gently, she realized that there was no place she wouldn't follow him to.
Back to you
It always comes around
Back to you
I walk with your shadow
I'm sleeping in my bed
With your silhouette
She recognized their path to the loft and wondered out of all the places why he would want to go there. He opened the door for her and waitedasshe climbed up the stairs and stopped in front of her apartment. He noticed the look of uncertainty on her face.
"Why here?" She asked with tears coating her voice.
"Why not?"
"It's too special." She answered honestly. "Too sacred to be ruined."
"Who's going to ruin it?"
"You are." Courtney shot back. "I'm not naïve enough to think that when I wake up in the morning you'll be next to me, Jase. I know better. I know that despite you feelings for me, you loyalty lies with Sam. And I don't want to tarnish this place with all that."
"What if I promised you something." He asked. "What if I told you that I have no intentions of leaving until it's absolutely necessary and when I do leave, Sam is the last person I'm going to."
"It's sounds lovely, but it's not reality. You know it."
"I know that there is no one in this world that I need more than you." He whispered tenderly as his hand reached out and pushed a stray strand of blonde hair behind her ear. And just like that, her lips were crushing onto his. They fumbled through the door way and she led him into the bedroom that once was considered "theirs" instead of just "hers".
"Jason, I love you." She declared between kisses and he felt his heart soar. Her voice was sweet and light as she spoke to him. Nothing like Sam's deep broody brogue. He had spent a lot of time comparing the two woman. Mostly at night as Sam lay snoring softly next to him. He would close his eyes and pretend it was Courtney lying next to him. Courtney kissing his neck in the middle of the night. Courtney promising to love him forever. And as it turned out, he was pretty good at fooling himself. Until the morning arrive and the harsh reality set in, the sun would shine on her dark hair revealing that the night before was nothing but a fantasy.
Her relatively short nails clawed at his shirt and brought him back to present time. She looked at him, her eyes heavily lidded with passion as she pulled him down onto the bed. The next few hours were a blur of body parts and promises whispered to one another. As she lay in his arms, he realized that the sun was setting and wondered how time had passed so quickly. It seemed just moments ago when she sat next to him in the park. Her blonde hair felt soft on his bare chest and her breathing began to lull him to sleep, but before darkness would overtake him something caught the corner of his eye.
Should have smiled in that picture
If it's the last that I'll see of you
It's the least that you
Could not do
Resting on her nightstand in the corner was picture of them. He recognized it as one that was taken on the island, just before the divorce. The sunset offered a moving background, but that was the only thing pretty about the picture. Courtney's blonde hair was pulled into a messy ponytail revealing the look of sadness that engulfed her normally clear blue eyes. He wondered why he never noticed it before. Maybe because he never looked for it. He always just assumed she was happy and tried hard to ignore the hurt that would sometimes show on her facial features. Normally she would try and hide it from him. Offer a bright smile and pretend that everything was perfect.
But in this picture, she didn't even bother. She must have known it was coming to end. That it was only a matter of time until they self-destructed. His stomach churned slightly and he wondered how he had let it get so bad. How had he gone months without even talking to her? How had he turned his back so easily on her? Jason felt disgusted with himself as he watched her rest peacefully. She seemed content and he promised himself that she would remain that way. He would never let the look that the photograph captured sneak into her eyes again. Somehow he knew that there was only one way he could do that. He carefully slid out of bed and quietly put his dark jeans and black T-shirt on. He offered her a parting glance before slipping through the cracked door.
Leave the light on,
I'll never give up on you,
Leave the light on,
For me too, for me too
Jason walked through the empty streets of Port Charles. The warm day had given way to a cool night and sent most of the citizens indoors. The walk to the Penthouse was a lot shorter than he remembered and he tried to quell the butterflies that were beginning to flutter in his stomach. You're doing what's best, he reminded himself on his way into the elevator.
The ding signaled his stop and he stepped out and made his way to his apartment. Taking a deep breath, he pushed open the door and found what he was looking for curled up on the couch. He entered quietly, not wanting to wake her. She looked so innocent and small as her chest rose and fell with each breath. She didn't deserve to be cheated. Sure, Sam was overbearing, but everything she did was out of love for him. He reached out and placed a shaky hand on her flat stomach, which caused a soft moan to escape from her lips. He sighed and watched as her eyes fluttered opened to reveal her chocolate brown orbs.
"Hey," she smiled sweetly. "I've been waiting for you."
"You have?"
"Yeah, I was getting kind of worried." She whispered as her hands began to play with his fingers that were still resting on her stomach.
"Why?"
"Because I love you." She answered as if he had just asked her the dumbest question she had ever heard. She waited a beat before speaking again. "This is the part when you say "I love you, too".
"I…"
Meanwhile
Courtney shifted slightly and felt the empty spot next to her. She struggled to keep the tears at bay as she searched the darkness for his figure, but came up empty. God, he had done it to her again. Tricked her into laying her heart on the line. She wanted to say she was angry, but she was more disappointed. She wanted to believe that he wouldn't lie to her. That maybe he was running to the store or out in the kitchen, but she knew better. He was with Sam. All the words that he had told her in throes of passion meant nothing. Courtney was convient for him. Someone he knew would always be there, because she was too stupid to show him otherwise. Her cell phone ringing caught her attention and for a second her breath caught in her throat. Maybe it was him calling her to say how stupid he was and how he would be at her apartment in a moment, instead her caller ID revealed Jax's number.
"Hello," she answered trying to cover the sadness with her voice.
"Everything ok?"
"Why wouldn't it be?"
"Your office said you never came back from lunch." He replied and Courtney let her eyes slide close.
"Yeah. I just wasn't feeling so hot." She lied easily.
"Do you want me to come over?" He offered.
"No it's ok." She waited for his protest, but none came. "I really need some time to myself, Jax."
"Then I'll talk to you tomorrow?"
"I'm not sure." She answered numbly. "I'm not sure if I can do this with you anymore."
"We're engaged, Court." He growled. "You just can't walk away from that."
"Please. I just want some space." She pleaded and heard him let out a sigh. "You smothering me isn't going to change anything except to push me further away."
"I love you." He told her and Courtney honestly believe it was the truth.
"I…"
Back to me
I know that it comes
Back to me
Doesn't it scare you
Your will is not as strong
As it used to be
Jason stood out front her building. The darkness was comforting as he prepared himself to go inside and talk to her. His hand was on the door, but before he could open it someone else came out and collided into him. He immediately reached out to break the other person's fall and was surprised to find his ex wife in his arms. She seemed just as shocked to see him.
"What are you doing here?" She asked sliding out of his grasp and smoothing out the skirt that clung perfectly to her curves.
"I came to talk to you."
"You broke your promise."
"I know and I'm sorry."
"Are you?" She asked, her voice a little more high-pitched than she would have liked.
"Yes. I just needed to see Sam---"
"You're so predictable, you know that Jason?" She cut off his statement. "And now you're here to do damage control, right? Well, spare me the lecture, because I'd rather not hear it." She spun around and began to retreat up to her apartment.
"I broke up with her." Jason said softly and saw Courtney hesitate but not turn around. "I told her that it was unfair for me to lead her on when my heart belonged to someone else."
"Who's that?" She asked.
"The same girl who I kissed in the rain. The same girl who rescued me from myself even when I didn't want her to." He let his hands rub her arms softly. "The same girl I vowed to spend the rest of my life with."
"What if she doesn't want you?"
"Then I guess I'll spend every day of my life wishing that she did and thinking up ways to win her back." He answered honestly. Courtney knew she should walk away and that if it was anyone else she would have. But he still had that hold over her and try as she might, it wouldn't break. He carefully spun her around and let his lips slide softly onto hers. She sunk into his touch. "Where were you going?"
"When?" She asked leaning her head onto his shoulder.
"A minute ago."
"Oh, I was going to find you." She answered without thinking and immediately felt her cheeks begin to grow red. "I mean…"
"I think someone loves me." He teased as he lifted her chin to offer a better view of her face.
"I think someone is full of himself." She shot back with a grin.
"Just admit." He ordered playfully as he placed small kisses on her neck.
"Never." She groaned softly as his tongue began to trace a trail to her collar bone.
"I love you." He told her.
"I know you do." She focused on the sense of pleasure that was taking over her body. "Because I am the only person stupid enough to put up with your ass."
"You love my ass."
"So what if I do?" She replied.
"I knew you loved me!" He smiled triumphantly.
"I said your ass. Nothing about you as a person."
"Well, my ass is an extension of myself."
"Just give it up, sweetheart." She demanded softly as she lead him up the stairs that they had taken hours before. She stopped half way and pulled him into a deep kiss. "Jason."
"Hmm.."
"I love you." She whispered sweetly and watched as a grin spread across his face.
"I knew it."