To Hope and to Feel

by: Eyes-of-Pearl

Rating: K+

Disclaimer: Sailor Moon and Gundam Wing belong to their respective owners.

Author's Note & Synopsis: I thank you those who reviewed, To Repent and To Forget. As a token of my appreciation, here is the sequel to that fic. I would advise that you read the other one first as I alluded to those previous events. This is AU but I have taken creative license of various bits and pieces from throughout the GW series.

To Hope and to Feel

I was lost ever since the day I was born . . . (1)

Lost in the turbulence of war, lost in this endless waltz for power and control. His life revolved around missions and his sole aim was to complete each one that he took on. His code name was the Perfect Soldier, but he was only one person, one man. He could not be made onto a pedestal and declared superior above all of mankind. He was, after all still capable of making mistakes.

Yet, those failures were rare as he had enough discipline to see through each mission to the bitterest of ends. Most of his assignments centred around destroying Oz bases and infiltrating the enemy defences, although the concept of the 'enemy' is often vague when it came to war . . . However, he would leave that thought for another time.

Right now, he was on a self-appointed task in the district of Juuban, an urban part of Japan. He had been here before, seeking repentance for the killing of Chiba Mamoru, one of the passengers on the peacekeeper plane that he had shot down. He sought for an end to his life from Tsukino Usagi, Chiba-san's promised love. Instead, he found anger, then forgiveness and empathy.

On that fateful day, Yui Heero, Pilot 01 of the Gundam Wing did something that he had never done before. He had cried for the first time, allowing himself to feel the emotions that he was trained to suppress. Most important of all, he had allowed himself to forgive . . .

At the end of Operation Meteor, he had 'killed' Mariemaia Krushenada and in essence, freed himself. One would ask, freedom from what? Heero did not know but he understood the futility of trying to discern that answer.

In Juuban, he had sought for the whereabouts of Tsukino Usagi, but was dismayed by the results of his find. Through a series of rapid clicks of his laptop, he sought his next destination, the Crown Arcade.

--oo--

He easily found the location as it was a hotspot in Juuban. Heero stepped through the automatic doors and surveyed the surroundings. He immediately spotted a familiar blonde behind the counter. With his hands tucked into his coat pockets, Heero walked toward the booth. Furhata Motoki greeted the new costumer with a nod and a cheerful smile and inquired, "What can I get you today?"

Heero blinked and said nothing for a while as Motoki looked on uncertainly. After an awkward silence, Motoki said, "How about I'll come back . . . "

"Coffee, black," interrupted Heero.

It took a moment for Motoki to react as the blonde shook himself from his stupor to fix the coffee. Heero drummed his fingers on the counter, as he directed his gaze toward the far wall. There were pictures and photographs on display and Heero recognized some of the faces from when he overlooked Chiba-san's funeral. Some of them had Usagi with her friends, others with Mamoru and even Motoki.

Heero was interrupted by Motoki's return with his coffee. "So, can I get you anything else," asked the blonde.

"I'm actually looking for somebody. Her name is Tsukino Usagi."

Motoki drew a sharp intake of breath and all of sudden, he turned to the far wall where Heero was looking at earlier. "I'm sorry, but she is no longer here."

Heero already knew this from when he did his research on his laptop. "Do you know where I can find her?"

"May I ask who is looking for her?" asked Motoki in a strained voice.

Heero hesitated before replying, "Yui Heero."

Motoki turned back, almost to study the man before him before saying, "Wait here for a moment, Heero-san, I will take you to her."

Motoki walked off before approaching a redhead whose expression changed from enthusiastic to concern. Motoki was nodding before shaking his head. He went to the employee's lounge, only to return with a metal box and his jacket. He had removed his apron before beckoning to Heero who threw some change on the table and followed Motoki out.

The two men walked in silence as Heero began to recognize the path that Motoki was leading him to. His thoughts were confirmed as they arrived at the cemetery. Motoki came upon a familiar site, that of Chiba Mamoru. Now, beside it was Tsukino Usagi.

"I am sorry to be the one to break the news, Heero-san. There was an attack upon the colonies by a mobile suit. She was visiting there with her family. So many lives were lost, but her body was never found."

What Motoki said confirmed what Heero already knew from his search. Motoki stared at the two graves before him as he whispered forlornly, "I never imagined that I had to bury two of my closest friends because of this war. Why must people fight? Why can't they lay down arms to live with each other in harmony? Don't they see that the only way wars will end is by simply not fighting? Queen Relena worked so hard to bring about this peace but then again, she is no longer queen."

Heero neither acknowledged nor refuted what Motoki had said. As a Gundam Pilot, he saw first hand the destruction of wars. It was not glorifying. Lives were lost, homes were destroyed, even the lives of the soldiers would forever be changed. The gentlest of hearts, that of Quatre Rebarba Winner, Pilot 04 was not left unscarred. It was him who was under the impulse of the Zero System, that caused him to destroy colony after colony hoping to end the wars. Nothing was clear when you were in battle, without a define distinction between who the enemy was. You fought for survival, with the hope to find some sort of an equilibrium. The only fact in life was one's ultimate death.

Drawn from his thoughts, Heero gazed at Motoki again. The blonde was pulling something from the metal box that he had retrieved. "I loved Usagi liked my sister and we used to leave each other notes and other harmless tokens in these boxes. We haven't done that in years when she started dating Mamoru. A couple months after I heard the news of you know ... about Usa ... it was out of impulse that I looked inside again. There were letters and charms addressed to her best friends, to me and this, as though she had the foresight to... well anyways, there was this." He held out a single envelope with Usagi's careful script on the front with Heero's name on it.

"You must have been special to her but then again, Usagi had a way with people. She made friends with everyone and her smile just lit up the entire room. I remembered that I used to look forward to the times that she came into the arcade. That was how Mamoru fell in love with her, even though he would never admit it himself. You know something Heero-san, when you came in to order that black coffee, you reminded me so much of him. You withdrew from the world, shielding your emotions. He was deprived of so much because of this but Usagi made up for it just by being herself. Here." Motoki broke off resolutely as he handed Heero the letter.

"Arigato" came the curt but sincere reply.

Motoki stood almost waiting for Heero to open the letter as if hoping the letter would carry the answer to all of life's questions. With precise movements, Heero tear opened the envelope.

Dear Heero-san,

I'm not sure if you will ever get this but I feel a need to write this down. Despite our brief meeting, I find my thoughts drifting to you. You may think that I am silly, because we weren't really friends when we met.

Still, I hear news of you all the time, but don't worry, I would never disclose your secret, even on a piece of unaddressed letter. I never blamed you for what happen to Mamo-chan, and I never will. I hoped that you remember what I said that night, about yourself, about your emotions. Do not be afraid to free your inner soul, Heero-san.

You have given so much, you and your companions. We must do our parts, wherever destiny takes us. War is inevitable, even I know this. I let Mamo-chan go to fulfill what he felt were his duties and maybe with time, I would discover mine. I don't know if I will ever see you again, Heero-san but I certainly hope so ...

If not, perhaps I will meet you in the distant horizons with the rising of the dawn -

Heero stopped reading even though there were more in the letter. Almost as a deja vu, he ripped the parchment into pieces as the white fragments were swept up by the wind.

"She was too good for this world," Heero said simply to the blonde beside him. Motoki nodded with unshed tears at the corner of his eyes.

"The letter ... arigato," Heero continued before he blended with the surroundings leaving the blonde starring listlessly at the tombstones.

--oo--

He gazed at the familiar ocean as his stormy blues travelled up the jagged cliffs along the shoreline. Had he once jumped from those very outcrops and landed relatively unscathed to the sandy beaches below? In retrospect, he knew why Relena had been surprised.

Speaking of the former queen, she was still travelling around spreading her message of peace and pacifism. She no longer travelled with an entourage of body guards but he wondered how long this relative serenity would last.

He did not allow himself to dwell on events that were to come as he assessed his current surroundings. He was not alone on this beach, as there was another occupant. Heero could not clearly distinguish the figure as the sun was blinding his view. He walked closer with his footfalls muted by the sand beneath his shoes. Ever cautious, he stood a few paces to the right of the figure while directing his sights towards the ocean.

"The rising of the distant sun signifies the beginning of a new day," elaborated the figure poetically. Silence filled the air.

"I'm assuming that you got my letter" came the next statement.

Heero turned as he met the sparkling foam-coloured eyes of the person beside him. He grunted in affirmation. He only read the letter once before ripping it to pieces, but he was trained enough to remember each word in the correspondence. Still, he had a question, "Why?"

Tsukino Usagi hesitated but she knew that it was an legitimate question. Why had she abandoned her former life and chose to live another? She had been severely injured and was hospitalized when the colony was attacked. Her family was killed though her brother was admitted under critical condition before he died from his injuries. When she had recuperated and was mobile, she had enlisted in the Peacekeepers under the alias of Rena Shukono. Not only that, she had cut off half the length of her braids until they were about shoulder length which she now tied up in a pony tail. She fought in the wars and at the end of AC 196, she found herself longing for something intangible. She had returned to Juuban briefly, surprised by her own funeral plot beside Chiba Mamoru. It was a bittersweet but she knew that she could not simply slip back into her old life where everyone had mourned her death. Instead, she left behind some of her most prized processions and parting words for Motoki to find as she began anew on L1.

"We all have our parts to play in these wars, Heero-san. I have lost too much to simply sit idly by, while others around me fight. As part of the Peacekeepers, I learned so much about myself, about the world that I live in. I thought of you and wondered how you could have been a solider for so long and still be able to live and breathe day after day. It only made me want to try harder and fight. That's why I can't go back to being Tsukino Usagi, that carefree and optimistic girl that goes to the arcade everyday. O fcourse, I love all my friends in Juuban and I miss them especially Motoki. But he most of all, would not understand because he believed in the Relena's ideal of total pacifism as a solution to end all wars. Do you understand what I am trying to say, Heero?"

He knew, when he read her letter and he knew now when she addressed him as 'Heero' and not the formal 'Heero-san'. He had sought through various databases, and decoded a series of encrypted files before satisfied with his current results in tracking her down. He thought of the last part of her letter:

If not, perhaps I will meet you in the distant horizons with the rising of the dawn -

I wish I could have known you better, Heero-san but then again, I feel like I do already. You remind me so much of Mamo-chan, but liked you said before, you can't bring him back. I don't need you to and you don't have to replace him. You are both held at different places in my heart. Mamo-chan is dead and I have accepted that but Heero, you are given me hope and that is enough to be my perfect solider.

"As long as humankind exists, there will always be battle (2). Can you accept that, Usagi-chan?"

"I still have hope, Heero and that is enough."

The girl said determinedly as she redirected her gaze at the picturesque display of nature's glory. Heero allowed himself a smile as he noted their intertwined fingers as he too admire the spectacle of contrasting myriad of colours. He is a soldier who had destroyed countless of mobile suits and human lives. He is a Gundam Pilot who had been under the influence of the Zero system. He had long suppressed his emotions but now, with one velvety touch, he broke down that intricate barrier to allow himself to feel and to share in the hope with the woman in his arms.

The End

Ok, I definitely did not plan on writing a sequel, so I'm anxious to hear your comments on this little piece. So let me know but r/r. Also, if you guys are interested in something along this style of writing, check out my other fic, Only Wish which also involves Heero. Much love.

(1) An absolutely beautiful line spoken by Heero in Gundam Wing: Endless Waltz.

(2) It is part of the prologue / beginning scene in Gundam Wing: Endless Waltz.