Day 2

Well, I think I'm getting better. Not really. Travis, I think, still loves me. He doesn't deserve me though. I seem to run away from love, just like at the airport. 'Lily, I love you.' the words still ring in my ears and I want to just hit myself over and over for not saying I love you back. I don't eat much anymore and I hate myself for it. I hate Ray for leaving. I mean, he's one person. Why do I feel as if I'm obsessed over him. And why is it that whenever I go pass his house, or by his locker...or just look at his picture, he haunts my dreams and never lets go? I can't get his childish grin out of my mind.

"Oh hello Lily." Mickey said as I entered the door.

I choked out, "Hey Mickey." Talking to Mickey always helped problems. He was the sage of the High School...where everyone went.

"So, Ray's gone eh?" He started putting CDs where they should be.

"Yeah. He is." I followed him.

"Well, I'm going to miss him...what abo--" he never got to finish his sentence as he turned and saw me crying, once again. "Oh...Lily."

I just stood there. "I never even got to tell him how I feel...he just left."

Mickey walked over to me, and then looked at the ceiling. "Well, this reminds me of back in the day." I stopped crying and looked up at him in confusion, a tear was still on my face. "There was this girl, Emily. She was my best gal pal and the best remedy for saddness. She always brought a smile to my face, even when I didn't want it." Like Ray, I thought. "And then...she left...I never knew it, but I was in love with her. I didn't know if she loved me. But I did know that I should've told her."

When Mickey didn't finish, and he just started looking at CDs, I asked, "Well? What happened?"

He looked up at me. "I never saw her again."

Oh. "I'm sorry." and I meant it. It was hard to not see the person you love. "But what should I do?"

"Go visit him!" he proposed. Visit? When? It was March 23th! In the middle of the school year! Mickey glanced at my face and chuckled. "Well, I guess maybe not..."

"D-do you think maybe I could see him in summer break?" I questioned.

Mickey stopped and looked at me. "Hm...maybe, if your parents go for it. Which will probably not happen. Maybe you should just email or phone him. And then maybe you should go on a Road Trip or something...I don't know." He turned to leave me with my thoughts but said one last thing, "If you love him...you'll visit him no matter what."

-Lily's Room-

Stretched out of my bed, staring up at the posters of my favorite bands, I didn't know what to do anymore. I don't want to cry, I don't want to live...but I just want to be happy. I probably hurt Travis and Robbie. I'm so selfish, I thought. Then the words Mickey said echoed in my mind.

'If you love him...you'll visit him no matter what.'

I love him but - how can I see him? He's so far away and...

Knock Knock

Who...? I darted my head up and opened my bedroom door, to see Robbie. Robbie...good ol' Robbie. "Hey..." I whispered. Travis wasn't the person I wanted to see at the moment, so seeing Robbie is good. "Sorry I didn't make it to the show."

"It's alright." I shut the door and then faces him. "Lily, do you really love Ray?" Robbie said, as he sat on my bed, just staring at me. Well, I do...but if I tell Robbie, he'll tell Travis, who maybe still has feelings for me and then it'll just be gone! The friendship we worked so hard would be gone.

Flustered by this thought, I darted my eyes away and then whispered, "Maybe...I don't know." Robbie shook his head.

"You either love him...or you don't." he said, in his this-is-serious voice. I thought I had gotten away from the questions. Away from the questions in my mind...couldn't I just dodge these too?

"W-well," I stuttered but then I heard my phone ring. Saved by the bell I thought, as I picked it up. "Hello?" I asked, in my polite voice that parents always want their kids to have.

Audrey's warm voice answered. "Hey Lily." I smiled. I hadn't talked to Audrey in so long it felt like ages. Maybe it was just the fact that I had been too busy crying every day.

"Audrey! Hi!" I gave a look at Robbie that said Girl Talk all over it. He rolled his eyes and then exited his room, crestfallen that he hadn't gotten the information that he wanted to know in the first place. Serves you right, I thought. I don't even know my own feelings and you except me to just tell them to you. Fat chance of that ever happens. "So, what's up?"

Audrey's warm voice kinda fell, "Lily...so Ray left..."

"2 days ago! Righty-o!" I chirped, trying to act happy. It really wasn't working. Audrey was too smart. She saw through it crystal clear.

"Are you really okay?"

"Of course not. My best friend just moved, but I'll get over it." That was a lie. An obvious lie at that.

"Lily..."

"Audrey, he's gone. I'm going to be able to talk to him on the phone and email to him so it's not the end of the world." The second lie I've told her today.

"But, if you love him, it IS the end of the world." she pressed.

I stopped cold. Frozen in the spot. When I finally got a hold of my self, I just sang in a very obnoxious voice, "Oh Audrey! You say the funniest things! I have to go, bye now." Audrey paid her dues and I thought of all the lies I've said today and bit my lip to not cry.

If I was Pinoccio, my nose would be longer than the Bridge Over Troubled Water

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I'm trying to write more, and I'm trying not to make Lily cry a lot. Well, she is going to cry an' this IS angst, but I'm adding just a touch of humor. Or not.

-Allie