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Sara Sidle was in the throes of a fitful sleep when she heard the shift in her floorboards and sat straight up in bed. She listened for a moment, testing the sound in her ears and analyzed it. It was him. That was generally how it sounded when he walked over the floor between her kitchen and living room.
She was torn between elation at finding that he'd come to her place and wanting to feign sleep and hope he left. Sara wasn't sure how she would face him, but she knew she had to, if she didn't it would simply eat at her until she imploded. The desire to fake him out won. Tears threatened the back of her eyes as she saw his shadow moving towards her room.
She lay back down quietly, gently. Moments later, he appeared in her doorway, clinging to the jamb, watching her peacefully. Nothing seemed at all the matter; his face was placid and beautiful as always and she wondered if he could ever look at her that way after he'd been unfaithful. She truly thought no, but, for the sake of her dignity she had to be unsure. Her eyes were cracked a fraction and she fought to keep her breathing even. Grissom pulled away from the wood and padded over to the chair beside her bed and sat, regarding her thoughtfully.
"You think I can't tell if you're sleeping or not?"
If she hadn't been so damned torn she would have smiled at him. But she was, she was hurt and confused and wasn't sure how to proceed. Opening her eyes, she rolled to her side to face him. "Go away," she mumbled, utterly at a loss.
Grissom pondered her visage for a moment and sighed. "I missed you tonight. I tried going home and working but I miss you." He thought over his words and then continued. "I don't like missing you. I don't like the fact that I miss you so much." His voice was soft and contemplative and it made her sad.
"Great." She said, voice cynical. She didn't think she would have to be this Sara Sidle ever again. Apparently she'd jumped the gun once more, not that it surprised her. She just thought that some things had shifted for good.
"You're upset." It was a declaration, to let her know that he knew. He looked bone weary and upset too but she didn't much care.
Her tongue snaked out and moistened her lips. "I am," was all she could think to utter. More than upset really, but upset was a good place to begin.
Grissom's hand brushed over his beard, the movement somehow brazenly loud in the silence of the room, the scratch of skin against hair tearing through her skull as if mocking her inability to voice her thoughts. "You're not going to tell me why?" His voice was soft and prying and it pissed her off.
Sara sat up in bed, eyes red, hair askew and he brought out a hand to smooth it down. She withdrew from his reach and attempted to keep her glare at bay. "How's Terri?" This time, when she asked him, there wasn't sadness in her voice, but an edge like an uneven shard of glass.
His head snapped up at that and his jaw tightened noticeably.
"Is that what this is about? God Sara, I never thought-" He was angry when he spoke but she cut him off, indignance and hurt reigning in her tone.
"Grissom, I saw you," she scoffed and wait for him to answer.
Recognition flashed in his eyes and his mouth opened and closed a few times in rapid succession. He was obviously at a loss for words; Sara gave him a few moments to compose himself, allowing him the benefit of the doubt.
"She asked me if I was seeing anyone," he began slowly, glossing over his words carefully. "And it was my fault, I admit it..." While Grissom was configuring the next sentence in his head, Sara's face drained of color.
She sputtered a few times before speaking. "You did kiss her then?" Her voice was a pathetic squeak when she spoke, something stabbing at her heart repeatedly. A kiss, really something so base, so simple... a fucking kiss...
"No! God, no honey..." Grissom said, this time reaching out to grasp her upper arms in his palms. "Honey, no!"
An audible sigh of relief escaped her and though she was still tense, she wasn't quite as afraid any longer. "Then, what, where are you going with this."
Gil's eyes were sad and glazed and he worried his lip for a moment before plunging in. "The case was fine. That went well. That, that uh wasn't the problem." He cleared his throat, visibly shaken by the thought of infidelity. "We came back to my office so she could sign off on some paperwork and to, to uh, catch up."
Sara nodded and allowed him to continue.
His eyes slid closed briefly and he licked his lips, mentally steadying himself. "And she asked me... if I was seeing anyone."
A lone brow shot up at that statement and Sara watched him slump in the chair.
"And I, I told her no. And we... we just kept on talking, discussing... whatever." He looked at her then and was crushed by what he saw.
Sara had her eyes trained upward, stuck on something on the ceiling, tears brimming along the lower lids of her eyes. Her bottom lip was sucked between her teeth, most likely to keep the tears at bay. He wanted to hold her but knew that she wouldn't allow it, not then, so he continued with the story.
"And then, the moment I'm sure you were privvy to... she tried to kiss me. I didn't Sara, I could never do that to you." Sara looked back down at him, tears still in her eyes. This is what she had wanted to hear. So why was it making her so very sad?
Something wavered in his voice. "I told her then, that I was seeing you and that I loved you very, very, very much Sara..." He shook his head and let it fall into his hands. "I made a fool of her and I made a fool of you, and I knew this would happen eventually. This is why-"
"Shut up," she asked quietly. "It's not the end of the world." Her body relaxed and she moved a bit closer to him. "I just... I think that maybe you should have told me."
Grissom cocked his head. "But nothing happened Sara..."
"I know," she responded seriously, squinting her eyes a bit. "But I still think that you should have told me is all."
And for one of the longest moments of either of their lives, they simply stared at each other. A tear rolled down Sara's cheek and she trembled. Grissom too began to cry, wondering why relationships had to be so damned hard at times.
"I love you Sara Jane," he whispered.
So she smiled through the tears and moved over to him. "Then please, god Gil, show me..."